Out of everything you can find out about your partner, a long-time secret affair is probably the most devastating.

Reddit user Horror_Squash4757 recently made a post on r/AITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC, sharing the way he supposedly learned about his wife and her colleague. What began as a subtle shift in her behavior—longer phone use and “overtime” at work—led to a cascade of revelations, including secret trips and a shared apartment.

After he publicly confronted her, the man left with a heavy bag of emotions, as well as doubts about whether his actions crossed a line. So he asked the internet to help him make sense of the whole ordeal.

Your partner’s betrayal can hit the very core of your being

Image credits: Blake Cheek / unsplash (not the actual photo)

And this man claims he felt it firsthand

Image credits: KATRIN BOLOVTSOVA / pexels (not the actual photo)

Image credits: Andy Pluzhnik / pexels (not the actual photo)

Image credits: Achraf Alan / pexels (not the actual photo)

Image credits: Horror_Squash4757

People cheat for all sorts of reasons, but the signs might be different

A wide variety of factors can lead someone to have an affair. However, a 2020 study suggests that the eight key reasons are: anger, low self-esteem, lack of love, low commitment, need for variety, neglect, sexual desire, and circumstance.

Additionally, a 2018 study on personality traits discovered that women who ranked high in “neuroticism” and men who ranked high in “narcissism” were more likely to cheat on their partners.

There are many signs that your significant other is being unfaithful to you. Therapist Gayle Weill, LCSW, who specializes in helping women experiencing anxiety or relationship and family conflict, told Bored Panda that some of the most common ones are “emotional and physical distancing; the partner may seem more distracted, and not make enough effort to be emotionally or physically intimate.” According to her, increased phone use can also be a red flag, as they may be texting or calling the person they’re cheating with.

However, an affair usually doesn’t just happen; it’s a very nuanced, multi-step process.

Image credits: cottonbro studio / pexels (not the actual photo)

If you suspect your partner is cheating, “the first step is to practice self-care,” Weill said. “[It’s] heavy news. Let yourself process how it is you’re feeling [and] if you need to cry, do so. Allow yourself to process the feelings that come up.”

“The next thing is not to jump to conclusions—you don’t know for sure that [your] partner is cheating, you suspect, that’s a big difference [and] because of that, don’t make accusations and put your partner on the defensive.”

Instead, “get solid evidence first. Once you know for sure, reflect carefully regarding how you wish to proceed. Do you want to work through it and go to couple’s counseling? Do you want to separate or get divorced? Once you get your thoughts together, have an important conversation with your partner,” the therapist explained.

Some experts say it takes at least two years for the shock waves of infidelity to subside. So, extremes aside, it’s difficult to blame someone for their initial reaction to it.

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But every case is different, and there are a lot of misconceptions surrounding cheating, too. “One myth is that it only happens in unhealthy relationships,” Weill said. “This is not necessarily the case, and cheating is not always purposeful or intentional.”

“Another myth is that men cheat more than women, but in reality both genders are equally culpable of cheating.”

“One other myth is that if someone cheats, they always will. This is not necessarily true — just because someone cheated before, doesn’t mean they’ll do so again.” What applies to one person may not apply to another.

Most of the people who read his story said the man did nothing wrong

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But some believe he overreacted

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