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As the Financial Times writers Isabel Berwick and Sophia Smith pointed out in one of their publications, corporate-speak often sounds unnecessarily clunky.
Think about how cringey the phrase, "Let's table the discussion here in order to run it up the flagpole. We can circle back later on increasing our bandwidth to the next level," sounds when you could say, "Let's check in after we get approval for more resources from leadership," instead.
But while the overall benefit of using this language is debatable, there is one area in which it gives you opportunities you wouldn't normally have. Calling people out for their nonsense.
Content creator and author Kayla Avery, has been working on a TikTok series where she gives examples of all the ways you can diss your bosses, colleagues and subordinates at work by disguising your insults as corporate talk.
More info: TikTok | Twitter | Snapchat
Kayla Avery, aka your corporate spirit guide, has released a series of disses translated into office-friendly language
So that all of us "corporate foreskins" can stand up for ourselves without getting written up
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
How do you say professionally that that's a you problem?
"That seems to fall more in your job responsibilities."
How do you tell someone that they're lying [jerks]?
"I recall that quite differently."
How do you say told you so?
"As per my prediction, this outcome is not a surprise to me."
How do you say you're stupid?
"To put it more simply."
We managed to get in touch with Kayla and she was kind enough to have a little chat with us.
"This series came naturally to me," she told Bored Panda. "I have always been loud, outspoken and strong-minded. It took years for me to realize what an asset this can be for a woman in the corporate world."
"I had several people direct message me online asking for help with this, and at that point I felt like I may be able to help my fellow corporate friends develop better ways to communicate and set boundaries in the workplace."
#2
How would you say who asked you?
"Can you clarify who brought you in on this project?"
How do you say [screw] around and find out?
"Do whatever you think is necessary and I'll react accordingly."
How to say b*tch, I don't work for free?
"These tasks are an expansion of my role here. Is there a plan to review this and compensate me for that? "
How do you say that's a terrible [friggin] idea.
"Are we confident this is our solution to this problem or are we still exploring alternatives?"
How would you say I don't give a sh*t. You do it.
"I'll rely on your judgment. I'm not passionate one way or another. "
You could say that Kayla became so proficient in corporate talk out of necessity. "My first corporate job was awful. I was the youngest employee with a lot to prove, and many boundaries to set. I was taken advantage of, walked all over (you know the drill)."
"After a few write ups, I quickly realized that I have got to find a way to communicate what I really want to say, in a way that is both professional and HR-proof. I have always had a knack with language and quickly realized that if used correctly, that would be an invaluable asset to me in this career," she explained.
#3
How do you say [mess] around and find out?
"Please test that assumption and take note of the response."
How would you say pizza doesn't fix the fact that you pay me like sh*t?
"I appreciate the gesture but this pizza party does not compensate for the fact that most of us are paid under the market rate for our positions."
How would you say you are nowhere near my [friggin]boss? So sit down.
"Thank you for your input, but I am only taking direction from insert supervisor's name on this project. Thank you."
How do you say [screw] you?
"I believe we're done here."
How do you tell somebody I don't need your opinion nor do I want it and I'm never going to use it?
"Your opinion is noted and will be given the attention it deserves. Which is none."
Hunter Ridley 1 year ago
"I believe we're done here" has such a punch to it, such a finality. And the lower pitched your voice is, the more oomph it has.
Generally speaking, she believes that being well-versed in corporate speak gives you an advantage over those who aren't. "If you are able to use language to set boundaries, communicate differences, demand respect, etc. in your workplace, you are able to dodge a lot of the 'corporate drama' and facilitate better working relationships with coworkers and supervisors."
However, for many, it's quite a difficult skill to master mostly because of their negative feelings towards it. E-learning platform Preply surveyed over 1,000 working Americans about their feelings on corporate jargon, and the results show that we would prefer less of it, especially in job postings.
#4
How would you professionally say quit micromanaging me and get the f*ck off my back?
"I'm confident in my ability to complete this project successfully. I will update you if I have any further questions. "
How would you say I am 100% without a doubt, I'm not staying late for this shift?
"My workday concludes at 5 pm but I'll be glad to prioritize this first thing in the morning."
How would you professionally say that [thing] ain't my problem?
"I'm going to direct you to blank and insert someone's name. They're better suited to answer these questions as this falls within their job responsibilities."
How would you say this is a literal circle jerk and we're absolutely not getting anywhere?
"If this is becoming unproductive and it's clear we need to outsource for other opinions."
Respondents found “like a family” to be the most annoying phrase in job postings — with 38% of votes — closely followed by “fast-paced environment”, with 37%.
Recruiters on the hunt for "ninjas", "gurus" and "rock stars" could also think about avoiding these buzzwords, as according to the workers themselves, they do little to enhance the attractiveness of an opening.
While 43% of respondents said buzzwords made no difference to them when going through job listings, 55% admitted they view them negatively. And zero respondents said buzzwords make them eager to apply.
#5
How would you say you are a damn liar?
"I'm having difficulties reconciling the inconsistencies in what you're presenting"
How would you professionally say you're annoying as hell?
"I find some of your actions rather distracting."
How would you professionally say? Try me.
"I encourage you to reconsider your attempts to challenge the information I'm giving you."
How would you professionally say, I [friggin] worry about you?
"It would be beneficial if we could both focus on our respective roles or responsibilities."
How would you professionally say, I [friggin] told you so.
"The outcome aligns with my previous perspective. This situation highlights the value of looking at all possible outcomes before making a decision."
How would you professionally say who died and made you my boss?
"I understand your perspective is crucial to recognize that you do not have the authority to dictate my decisions."
Over a quarter of respondents claim they encounter corporate jargon multiple times a day. Mostly it appears in emails, followed by in-person meetings and via instant messages, but significantly less on the phone or video calls.
FYI — an abbreviation of “for your information” — was voted to be the most commonly used piece of corporate jargon, followed by "at the end of the day", and "win-win". At the top of the list of most annoying corporate jargon was "circle back", while other phrases to do with discussing something later such as "let’s table this" and "put a pin in it" all seem to evoke a strong negative response as well.
#6
How would you say mind your damn business?
"I appreciate your curiosity but I'm confident, I can complete this matter independently."
How would you professionally say get a [friggin] life?
"I encourage you to focus on your own priorities and interests."
How would you say watch your [friggin] mouth?
"I would appreciate it if you choose your words more carefully."
How would you say [mess] around and you will find out?
"I encourage you to test that assumption and they'll react accordingly."
How do you professionally say you are probably a narcissist?
"It seems like you have a strong inclination to prioritize your own needs versus others."
But Kayla Avery strongly believes there's more to it. "Being a female in a male-dominated industry has taught me a lot," she added. "I experienced a lot of issues early in my career, I was underestimated, undervalued, etc. I found that arming myself with the ability to articulate my thoughts, feelings, and boundaries in a professional way, created an element of respect amongst my colleagues."
"I believe people underestimate the power of language and communication. The way you communicate with your clients, coworkers, and supervisors is huge. If you are able to articulate your thoughts, grievances, issues, etc. in a way that is respectful but also clear and concise, you are positioning yourself for success. I truly believe that the way you communicate with others sets the stage for how others choose to communicate with you in the future."
Now that her series has gone viral, Kayla looks forward to continuing to empower her fellow corporate friends with language and communication. "It is truly an honor to have an audience and to make an impact."
#7
How would you say this work is really boring and I'd like a little bit of excitement in my life?
"A professional goal of mine is to gain new experiences and exposure to different aspects of the business. Is it possible for me to explore that? "
How would you say If forgot to answer your email?
"Thank you for your patience."
How would you say this enormous workload and lack of support for management is burning me the [hell] out?
"My productivity is being impacted by the larger workload I'm receiving, is there any way the team can support me?"
How would you say use common sense?
"Before deferring to my judgment, please take into consideration what the majority may believe would benefit this project moving forward."
How would you say if you expect me to do the job of multiple people, then I would expect you to pay me the salary for multiple people?
"Are any other team members would be joining me on this project or I'd be working alone? If the latter can we set up a time for me to discuss with you how you can compensate me for doing these extra jobs?"
You say I really don't think we need to have a meeting about this.
"Let's continue to discuss the contents of this project via email until we have a structured agenda we can meet."
How would you professionally say why is it that when I do a good job, I'm rewarded with more work?
"So while I appreciate the new opportunities, can we take some time to go over my current job responsibilities so that I may prioritize those in front of my new tasks?"
How would you professionally request not to work with a specific client because they make you uncomfortable?
"For overall productivity purposes, is it possible for another team member to communicate with this client? As my previous communications with this client were not successful?"
How do you say I've told you this 10 times?
"There seems to be a disconnect here. I've provided this information previously on more than one occasion."
How do you say stop interrupting me?
"While I appreciate your input, please wait until I'm done. Speaking my thoughts before you add yours."
#8
How would you professionally say, you are not that damn important?
"It's clear that you have a strong belief in your significance. But I want to remind you that my education and my experience have allowed me to do this job successfully for X number of years."
How would you professionally say, I ain't the motherf**king one?
"I believe it's crucial for everyone to recognize that I am not easily intimidated and will not be undermined."
How would you professionally say, I really don't like you?
"It's clear that we don't have a personal affinity for each other. But we have to maintain a professional and all-working environment for the effectiveness of the company."
How would you professionally say f*ck around and find out?
"Defer to your own judgment and react accordingly."
How would you professionally say I am not the office mate?
"It's important that I remind you that there is a shared responsibility for office tasks and maintenance. And that does not all apply to me."
How would you professionally say, I'm obviously not going to confront you about sh*t talking me right now. But you can catch these hands when I'm off the clock.
"I don't make a habit of discussing personal issues at work, but I'll be glad to meet up after hours to sort this all out."
#9
How do you say stop micromanaging or get the f*ck off my back?
"I am confident in my ability to complete this task but I will reach out if and when I have any further questions."
How would you say stay in your lane?
"Thank you for your input. I'll keep that in mind when I'm moving forward making decisions about my own job responsibilities."
How would you say that is not my job?
"I do not have the capacity to take this on at the moment. But I'll be glad to support where it makes sense."
How would you say Google that [thing] yourself?
"The internet is a great resource to clarify questions like this. In the future, I'll be available to help you with anything you were not able to find online."
So I definitely started late for this [thing].
"I would say my workday concludes at 5 pm I'll be glad to prioritize this in the coming days when I have availability."
How would you say I told you so? And that [thing] ain't my problem now.
"I do recall informing you that this was a possible outcome and then I would follow up with how do you plan to resolve this? Because I ain't doing it."
How do you say quit bothering me about your [friggin] job responsibilities?
"I encourage you to brainstorm possible solutions to this problem before you circle back and ask for my support."
How do you say stop promising unrealistic timelines or deadlines?
"Can you clarify your thinking on these deadlines? Because I'm not following."
How do you say if you want it done your way, then do it yourself?
"It's clear that you have a very specific idea of how you want this project executed. So I encourage you to take the lead on this matter. And I'll be glad to support when necessary."
#10
How would you say stop bothering me about this?
"You have not heard from me because I have no new information to offer. but as soon as I do, I'll be sure to loop you in."
A personal favorite is when someone is repeatedly not answering your emails.
"Is there someone else I should be contacted regarding this issue? If so, please let me know."
How would you say I told you this [thing] 10 [friggin] times?
"There seems to be a disconnect here because I provided this information previously. "
How would you say stop asking me to do your work?
"I am not able to offer you any additional support and complete your workload."
How would you say hovering over me ain't gonna make this go any faster?
"Although I appreciate your attention to this matter, I'm quite certain that I would be able to work more effectively independently on this matter."
How would you say I don't want to work with you anymore than I absolutely [friggin] have to? I would say would you remind replacing our frequent communication with a monthly call to touch base and provide each other updates? Otherwise, don't call me?
How would you say you're wasting my time? I would say in being respectful of everyone's time, I suggest we regroup when more additional details are available to share.
How do you say I guarantee this project is going to be an absolute flop?
"I'm not in agreement with this project. I have significant hesitations moving forward."
How would you say you're underpaying me?
"There's a gross discrepancy in my pay versus the market rate for my position? Do we have plans to reevaluate this in the future?"
How would you say if you had told me sooner this might not have happened?
"If we had communicated these issues earlier, I might have been able to find a way to mitigate these issues."
#11
How do you professionally say that [thing] ain't my problem?
"I would direct your questions to blank whoever is probably actually is, they are better suited to answer your questions. Also, this falls within their job responsibilities."
How would you respond if someone takes credit for your work or your ideas?
"I'm really excited that my ideas are being exposed to a wider audience. But I'm just inquiring as to how you intend to credit me?"
How would you say quit telling me what to do? You're not my boss.
"I appreciate your input. But I do not work under your direct supervision."
How do you say you [messed] up?
"Well, you've provided us all with a great opportunity for education on this matter."
How would you say you're getting me nowhere?
"Thank you for your input. It's really clear. You've put in all you've got?"
How would you say I'm absolutely not using your idea? It's terrible.
"Thank you for your input. I'll take that into consideration."
How would you say I'm not a dumb piece of s*it when people are insinuating? You can't do your job, you're not qualified enough?
"I assure you, I am more than capable of meeting the expectations for this task."
How would you say I refuse to work overtime for this?
"My workday concludes at 5 pm. But I'll be glad to prioritize this first thing in the morning behind any previously scheduled tasks."
How would you say stop f disrespecting me?
"Our effectiveness would benefit from a greater level of respect than what I'm seeing displayed."
How would you respond to someone and ccing literally the entire office or the entire team? On one email for no reason?
"Thank you for including additional individuals in this email. Could you clarify to me their role on this project?"
How would you say you are so wrong?
"Would you be interested in different approaches to this?"
How would you say I can't do that? I don't have time. I'm not doing it.
"I understand what you're trying to achieve. My current commitments have me at capacity."
How would you say you are not pulling your weight on this project? And you're leaving me by myself.
"Our contributions on this project do not appear to be equal, where your productivity be increasing as the timeline moves forward."
#12
How would you say not my circus and certainly not my monkeys?
"I don't believe this was a project I was assigned to, can you clarify my role here?"
How would you say you're really overcomplicating this and I ain't got the time for it?
"Being mindful of everyone's timelines, let's focus more on the initial scope."
How would you say this meeting is such a waste of my time?
"I believe I'm unable to add any value to this meeting. But I'll be glad to review the minutes."
How would you say did you even read my email?
"I would say reattaching my previous email for further clarity."
How would you say stop cc'ing everybody?
"To optimize communication let's target these emails to a more focused audience."
How would you say what you're saying makes absolutely no sense? And I am not with that.
"We seem to have different understandings of this project. Can you please elaborate more on your thought process?"
How would you say I'm going to need a lot more details than that? If you want me to complete this.
"Please let me know when further details are available as I require more information to successfully complete this project."
How would you say stop interrupting me?
"I appreciate your input blank insert their name. But please wait till I'm finished speaking before you proceed with your input."
How would you reply to someone who's just not professional just straight up being a b*tch or straight up sending you some disrespectful [stuff]?
"Can you clarify what you're hoping to accomplish with this? This also works really well if you're CCd an email that someone sends to a client or customer that's so rude that you do not want any part of it. I would literally follow up with it email like, can you tell me what you've planned to accomplish with this? Because don't count me in."
How would you say stop adding more and more work and expect me to complete it by the same deadline?
"Since there have been tasks added to this project, I think it would be beneficial to all to revisit our predetermined deadline and see if we can make any changes."
What do you think ?
guyx23 1 year ago (edited)
Yeah as someone who works in a large tech corporate, I call bs on this whole post. When you're being a passive aggressive asshóle in corp-speak, you're still being a passive aggressive asshóle. Speaking with contempt that's only thinly vailed by so-called politeness doesn't fool anyone. People are expected to resolve conflicts in a mature manner – that relates to the essence of your conduct, not just the words you choose. This post comes off like it was written by a teenager, or a childish young adult.
Saint Tim the Godless 1 year ago
Exactly. I found this post kind of infuriating.
Load More Replies...
Saint Tim the Godless 1 year ago
If you find yourself having to say things like this frequently, you need to get another job.
whatever nevermind 1 year ago
All of the polite responses in this piece stink of "written by chatGPT "
guyx23 1 year ago (edited)
Yeah as someone who works in a large tech corporate, I call bs on this whole post. When you're being a passive aggressive asshóle in corp-speak, you're still being a passive aggressive asshóle. Speaking with contempt that's only thinly vailed by so-called politeness doesn't fool anyone. People are expected to resolve conflicts in a mature manner – that relates to the essence of your conduct, not just the words you choose. This post comes off like it was written by a teenager, or a childish young adult.
Saint Tim the Godless 1 year ago
Exactly. I found this post kind of infuriating.
Load More Replies... Saint Tim the Godless 1 year ago
If you find yourself having to say things like this frequently, you need to get another job.
whatever nevermind 1 year ago
All of the polite responses in this piece stink of "written by chatGPT "
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