I was cheated on by my wife. When I found out, it was like my entire life was lopsided and upside down. I was sick, angry, hostile, so deeply hurt. I felt dizzy, everything felt unreal.

I decided to try to make it work. It was super rough. I tried to forgive her but all of her lies and deceit throughout the years were intruding into my brain. I had to know everything.

I would yell at her on trips and tell her how awful she was and ruin the trip. I left her then got back together with her about 20 times. Every time I thought I could forgive but something would trigger me and I would rage. I would find the smallest things to be mean about - “I’m hungry for a pizza, did you guys have pizza after you had sex, I bet you did you slut! I bet you guys were real hungry after a marathon!”

She would cry. I would tell her she deserves worse. Then I would leave angry and come back feeling sorry, sad and confused.

I would ask for explicit details and then get super pissed off and call her a whore.

It all came to a point when I told her the only way I could ever forgive her was if she experienced my pain. I told her that I was going to cheat on her to show her how it feels. She begged me not to. I reveled in her pain and I did it anyway.

Then I went home and told her everything we did. I watched her cry in horror. At first it felt good, then I said to myself, what the hell am I doing? I’m becoming just like her. I’m awful. What a crappy thing to do to someone.

We caused each other so much pain over a period of 8 months then we separated for 2 months. After that break, and talk of divorce, we began to talk about everything . We really talked, like we never had before.

We talked about how we ever got to where we were. Why we cheated and hurt each other. We finally started understanding all the problems in our marriage - the lack of intimacy, the cruelty, the resentment over problems we never dealt with, the neglect, the disrespectful comments, the way we abused each other verbally.

We were finally understanding how it all blew up. Somehow, over a few months, anger, lies and resentment turned into forgiveness. We had both been liars to that point. We lied that we were happy. We lied about things we did. We finally laid it all on the table.

Somehow we learned from it all and became better people. We stopped lying and deceiving each other. We created an environment that was safe to say anything, even things that sting and hurt.

We no longer had a Disneyland idea of what a marriage was supposed to be. We now didn’t take each other for granted but took care of one another. We unlocked our phones and shared them. We gave each other our passwords and secret emails. We talked about private things that we kept from each other for over a decade. We admitted wrongs.

It has been over 10 years since then and she is now my best friend and we are so happy. We are both not even the same people. We wouldn’t recognize our past selves.

We both died spiritually and emotionally. Our first marriage ended and we had to literally start a completely new chapter of what was now a new marriage.

It sucks that we had to destroy ourselves to rebuild ourselves, but sometimes your problems are so deep and so swept under the rug that you need to literally destroy what you thought you had and start from zero.

People who say “once a cheater always a cheater” are basic people who don’t understand that life is more complicated than that. They prefer bitterness over forgiveness. I’m here to say that forgiveness is possible but you have to be willing to put in a lot of work, have patience and be willing to forgive.

Jason Maguire , Nik Shuliahin 💛💙 Report

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Anna Ekberg

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Life is not just black and white, it takes time and experience to learn that.

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I’ve stayed after cheating. I stayed long enough to save money and start a new life elsewhere.
Then after I got myself together I left him one day.
An undisciplined man doesn’t deserve my time nor to be in my life.

Hannah Bree , Brooke Cagle Report

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Lil Miss Hobbit

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This. Yes, sometimes cheaters repent and change, but it shows a lack of discipline in their life and that could be a problem bigger than cheating.

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I had a husband who cheated. He redeemed himself in every way, but there was always this feeling in the back of my mind. A couple of years later, when he came home from a business trip, I felt something was amiss. Then, my doctor called to remind me to come in for my yearly checkup. Really? I had just been there four months previously! Long story short, my husband had gonorrhea, passed it on to me, and had my doctor call me in with some kind of pretense so I would not find out. Needless to say, I divorced him. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Karin L.W. , Chermiti Mohamed Report

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KatSaidWhat

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I work in a doctor's office, a married guy's blood test came back with 2 STDs - this meant the wife had to be called in and tested too. He actually said she must have cheated, except she came back clean.

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Yes. I stayed because we have a good marriage, kids, and I still love her. She was going through a difficult time and thought getting some strange would make her feel better (it didn’t). She didn’t cover it up well, and I was mad for a while when I found out, but decided it wasn’t worth breaking up over (it was just a fling). I told her we could work it out if she wanted to. Still happily together.

Kevin Shorten , Jessica Rockowitz Report

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Jay Scales

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Brave decision. Glad it worked for you both.

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When I was young, I caught my husband with the neighbor from downstairs. I was 22, madly in love, and believed marriage was a sacrament. My pastor told me it was my duty to forgive him and change myself so that 'he won't need to cheat.' My counselor told me that marriage is a commitment and that it was my duty to figure out what I wasn't providing him to meet his needs so he wouldn't 'need to cheat.' My mother told me I had made my bed, so now I needed to lie in it. 'Men cheat,' she told me. My father told me that cheating 'isn't a big deal,' and that 'a man has needs.' (Yes, I asked for advice from the man who comes from a long line of cheaters and the woman who put up with it.)

I worked on myself, and tried valiantly to rebuild the trust that *he* broke. He continued to cheat. We moved a thousand miles away from the affair partners so he could take his dream job. I found a new pastor and a new counselor. The counselor asked me what I was getting out of my marriage, and I didn’t understand the question. *I* was supposed to GET something out of marriage? Who knew?

When I was finally able to answer the question, I realized I wanted loyalty, trust and commitment, and my husband had no interest in any of those things. It’s impossible to build a marriage single-handedly, but very possible to destroy one all by one-self. I was divorced at 25. I will never again tolerate cheating.

Cheating is a hard boundary.

Ruby V. , Mikhail Nilov Report

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Anna Ekberg

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It takes 2 people to make a marriage work and she was the only one trying.

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In a nutshell, it was young stupidity.

I was 23 and dating my first husband, found out he was cheating, he went through all the motions, said and did all the right things and I stayed with him. A few months later he proposed and idiot me accepted. Found out I was pregnant before the wedding which was scheduled several months later, married him and it turns out he was an abuser and drug addict on top of a cheater. He went back to the affair when we were married and used me as a punching bag through my pregnancy. I left him as soon as my daughter was born. He ended up stalking me for years and tried to kill me in front of my daughter. I raised her with no child support and was able to get a restraining order built into the divorce. This monster ended up dying young, a slow and painful death from cancer, I think we all know where he’s at now.

Granted this was a very extreme situation but had I just walked away when I caught him cheating I could have avoided years of nightmares that never stopped until the day he died.

The only thing that keeps me from completely regretting this mess was the incredible daughter that came out of it, she is everything good, kind, empathetic, loving, intelligent and beautiful inside and out, she takes after her mother of course LOL

Anonymous , John Looy Report

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Jay Scales

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Many of us have regrets & see what we should've done in hindsight - But your lovely daughter must be a wonderful compensation.

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I was in a long term relationship for 39 years. We were married 38. In our 9th year of marriage, he cheated on me. Had I thought for one second he didn’t love me, I would have dumped his sorry ass at the curb and walked away. I went through hell but felt it was worth it to save my marriage.

In the end, he came home to me and never strayed again. He didn’t dare to be honest. First of all, he came home one night and said he was leaving. I told him ‘there’s the door, don’t let me stop you on the way out. Just remember one thing, once you walk out that door, if you change your mind, there’s no coming back.’

He decided not to leave. When he finally made up his mind to stay, he knew there would be no second forgiveness. He knew me well enough to know this was his only chance. He stayed faithful to me until his death in 2015. I have no regrets.

Yes, most people who cheat do cheat again. My husband never did and we had 29 more years together loving each other as it should be.

Deborah Barber , Nayeli Rosales Report

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Lyoness

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It's nice to read a different story than "once a cheater, always a cheater." I understand people have a visceral reaction to cheating but whether or not a marriage (couple etc) can be saved is up to the two people involved, not other people weighing in on a lifetime of other people's relationships.

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Yes, I caught my wife cheating with a “friend” of mine. This was more than 40 years ago.

We seperated and then started talking and “dating” again. I let her come back home after several months.

It was the most difficult thing I have ever been through. It took a lot of work from both of us, before I started to feel comfortable that we could make it work. There has to be some very open and probably painful dissucsions. You have to feel comfortable that they are not just giving you the answers that you want to hear, and that they are truley remorseful.

I was able to forgive her, but forgetting is more difficult. Even years later a song on the radio, a movie or an old picture will pop up and it opens the wound again.

I am glad we worked it out and we have happy marriage, but it is very difficult to get through and there is always a dark place in you history that doesn’t go away.

OldGuy , Mindy Sabiston Report

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Jay Scales

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As you say, this will only succeed if the cheater is genuinely sorry & determined to stay faithful.

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I'm in my 2nd year with my wife who cheated. We had couples therapy and she promised never to do it again (mmmm). I can honestly say all though she is trying and things are good, there are several BUTS…….

I have minimal to zero trust in her anymore and don't think I ever will. The sex just isn't the same anymore, that spark has gone and I'm not as bothered to have regular sex as before. I love and care for her but I'm not in love with her as I was before the betrayal. Lies, betrayal, cheating tends to have this affect on people.

JayJay , Imam Fadly Report

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Anna Ekberg

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Maybe it's just me but isn't it better to be alone then being in a relationship were there is no trust at all and never will be again?

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I was in a toxic relationship where my ex cheated on me, and it only got worse. I decided to give him another chance and nothing was ever the same. There was no trust and I constantly thought about what he did. As time went on, I decided to finally stop fighting myself and I let him go. Why be with a man that constantly made me feel insecure, when I gave him my all?

Being cheated on made me feel like I wasn’t enough, but as time went on I realized that it was him and not me. He was insecure about himself and used another woman to validate himself. Once I knew my worth, I peacefully let go and stopped searching for validation and approval from others. Everything happens for a reason. I know it hurts at first, but imagine meeting a partner one day that cherishes you and one that will be loyal. Those people exsist, just be patient and work on yourself! You deserve more than someone who can’t honor your trust and who can’t end things first. You got this, they don’t deserve you!

Courtney Alexander , Raychan Report

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Jane Jayne Jain Jeign Jein

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Bravo!

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I had so much invested. 2 kids. 19 years of my life. My heart. My dreams and hopes and ambitions. She was my family, my life, my wife. So I stayed. 2 long years later, I found myself forced out of my family and my life.

Everything I worked so hard to accomplish my whole life she destroyed. Left me with nothing. She never stopped her betrayal. All the things I had for her, she had none for me. Like I was never anything to her. Devastating. And I got to pay her monthly for ruining me. I'll never be the same.

All my eggs were in her basket and she smashed them all. Don't ever let someone disrespect you like that. They know what hell they've unleashed on you they just didn't care. Cheating is a serious character flaw. It proves that person is a piece of shit and it's a warning of more to follow. Accept your losses and move on. Don't let them have one more minute of your life

Kerri Walters , Allen Taylor Report

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Elvira394

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I feel like there are different kinds of cheating. There's the person who has an illicit Relationship including sex. There's the person who has illicit sex consciously and feels glad about it and wants to do it again. And there are some who impulsively (maybe drinking, maybe in a mental illness episode, etc) engage in an isolated episode of illicit sex, with a person they don't want to know, and have remorse and shame for it. The first kind, marriage probably won't survive. The 2nd, the act will repeat itself but the offender would probably stay in the marriage as long the partner tolerates it. The 3rd kind, I think there can be something there to work with and work through if honest and open and the person owns their mistake and has genuine remorse. I think anyway, comparing so many stories.

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He cheated a few times approximately a year into our relationship…Still married, 33+ years, because I’m too broken to find anyone else…I guess he’s still with me because he’s too broken to find anyone else either… …My advice after all these years: Never stay with a cheating partner…You’ll never trust him again…You might be better off alone…There are really plenty of non cheatin’ fish out there.

Karen Edmonds , Anthony Tran Report

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Jay Scales

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This is sad.

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I stayed for my kids and for love.

It was a waste of time as the cheating continued. Wasted an additional 2 years on top of the 19 already spent as husband and wife.

Cheaters cheat. They will not stop. I was told that by many friends but had to learn the hard way.

Scott Mc , Jessica Rockowitz Report

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Lyoness

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I'm sorry you had to live with this for so long. You're right, some people will never stop cheating. It doesn't make you unworthy, just in the wrong relationship. I hope you've found happiness now.

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I did and I don’t regret it at all. The only thing I regret is how I handled it. In hindsight I should’ve walked away for a time, got my s**t together and we could’ve come back together when we were in a better place.

I have never loved anyone else like I love her and I couldn’t imagine my life without her but her actions took a major toll on my mental state for more time than I care to remember.

I stayed because she is the mother of my children and I don’t want what I have with her with anyone else. I allowed her actions to destroy me in ways I couldn’t even see and I have never gotten completely back to the vibrant person I once was.

I have come close several times but I have always had a way of messing things up when they’re looking up for me. I believe me and her have that in common. I allowed her actions to eat away at me for so long, I didn’t even know it was still affecting me.

I had myself convinced that she couldn’t possibly feel for me what I felt for her. I lost my self esteem so completely that I lost all the love I had for myself. I had plenty of love for others but none for myself. I had so little love for myself that I completely lost my ability to take in love from others. I had myself convinced that I just drug everyone down and they all would be better off without me. In a way I was right because I was dragging everyone down being in that mindset.

My family, especially my children deserved better than what I was able to give them in that mindset. I felt easily replaceable, I spent nearly twenty years believing that my wife would at some point leave one day and find someone better. She had after all done it before and I wasn’t going to allow it to catch me so off guard a second time. I just couldn’t handle going through that again so I kept a distance. I had her right there next to me but we were a million miles apart emotionally. That’s my biggest regret in life.

I wasn’t even able to make the connection that it had been decades and she hadn’t replaced me yet. That’s how sure I was that it was going to happen. I spent time waiting on her to find the next handsome stranger instead of spending it enjoying it with her. She stuck by me through so much but yet I couldn’t see the love and dedication she had for me. I eventually allowed it to run me out of my own home.

After twenty years I believed that I deserved to be loved too. I didn’t believe I could find it in her. I knew she loved me but I didn’t know she was in love with me. I didn’t know that her actions had broken her nearly as much as it had broken me. I was oblivious. Because of all of that I ended up leaving.

I left in search of love, not realizing I had it the whole time but couldn’t see it. I found myself with someone else and I knew it didn’t feel right but I had myself convinced that I hadn’t been loved in so long I just didn’t know what it must feel like to be loved. I was a mess, she was a mess and I had messed up worse than she ever had.

I’m not a typical man who jumps at opportunity when it arises. I’ve never been that way. I just wanted to be loved like I deserved. I believed I was setting her free from me. I thought I was doing her a favor. I didn’t start realizing how much she loved me until I saw how broken she was without me. I felt so stupid when I realized that I left searching for something I already had.

We found our way back to each other but now we both understand exactly what we have. We have caused each other pain, we have destroyed each other completely but we also have the kind of love that most people only dream of having. I know that’s hard to believe reading this but it’s very true. Unfortunately I’m not the only one qualified to answer this question, she is too. She is my other half, my best friend and my wife. She has caused me more pain than anyone else ever has but yet I couldn’t love her more if I tried. I would give my life for hers without a second thought and I know she would do the same.

Josh D , Daria Kopylova Report

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Greg Wilhelm

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Was on the edge of my seat reading that hoping they would get back together! Very well written.

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After my wife cheated, one of the marriage counselors we attended told us to forget about our marriage. That marriage was over. The question she posed was, 'Do you both want to create a new marriage?' I believe there was incredible wisdom in this statement. In the end, I asked for a divorce because I could no longer look at her.

I absolutely encourage you to seek counseling now. Don't put it off. It takes time to recover. Recovery is easier if you have someone to talk to. I'd also suggest that you resist the temptation of poor life choices. I felt like trash after we separated due to the things that were done and said. I got into rebound relationships, sex, and alcohol. I probably hurt some people that didn't deserve it. Don't do this! I lost friends, family, religion, and many other important things in the divorce. It left a void in my life. I tried to fill the void with women, sex, alcohol, clothes, and cars. None of these things did the trick. I eventually became disgusted with myself for what I was doing.

Get counseling, make friends, attend support groups, and find worthwhile things to bring into your life.

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Janelle Collard

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Good advice to get counseling. Sometimes it takes an outsider to show you things you may not have thought of or other ways of looking at the situation. But always: do what's best for YOU. You will survive, even if it takes a while to get to a good place.

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As a guy who has spent the last 16 years trying to either forget or forgive, neither of which I've accomplished. I can go a week or so without thinking about it, but then something will remind me, and I'm completely bereft again. I'm always suspicious, because she fooled me for so long before, and hey, she's already proven she's capable of it.

I still feel like she can not understand the depth of the pain, humiliation, and disrespect this caused, and still causes me. I stayed, and we make it work, but if I could go back, no way I'd even consider it again.

Roger Mayhew , Ethan Sykes Report

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Anna Ekberg

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Sorry but if he still feels like this then they did in fact not make it work.

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My husband cheated on me for 8 of the first 10 years of our marriage.

Four days later we moved to Germany.

He said he was sorry. I didn’t believe him, nor did I believe he loved me—at the time. But he said he wanted to save our marriage.

It was work! But it was work I was going to have to do with or without him-because the betrayal, damaged me. I was either going to work it out with others or him.

It took both of us working.

I loved him. We had kids. I took off my ring for 3 months while I decided. And he was PATIENT. He was there for as long as it took because he had created this.

He COMPLETELY owned what he’d done. I’m the type that needed details, so he told them all. Every night for almost the 3 months, 2 steadily, I would be okay for 18 hours (daytime mostly) then crash at night and all the hurt, doubts, questions would come up. He’d patiently sit with me, hold me, and answer all. He was there for as long as it took.

At one point I apologized to him for constantly falling apart. He told me NOT to apologize. That he had done this. And maybe he needed to see what it did.

In three months, I put my ring back on, but from a position of strength. I now knew I could live without him—but I was choosing to be with him.

I was choosing to trust him again. And this trust was more precious than the first—because that trust was like me jumping off a slide into his arms—knowing he’d catch me.

But he’d dropped me. And I was willing to trust again, knowing he could drop me, that was a stronger more precious trust.

I told him I would NOT become that wife who goes through his phone, spies, and follows. And he promised to be transparent. He’d be where he said he’d be. He said I could go thorough his phone anytime. I never have.

I also told him that if ANYTHING like this EVER happened again. I would leave. There would be no discussion. I would leave loving him—but I’d leave. Because if he could hurt me again that way after seeing me bleed—he wasn’t who I wanted.

We still had some bumps for the next 3 years or so. I was quick to want to run. He was steadfast—again understanding and being patient with me.

Finally, we decided we would take the DIVORCE word out of our vocabulary. We were in it for the long haul. And we have. We’ve had wonderful 20+ years since. I never bring it up. It’s over. And really, it taught us both a lot. We are better today because of it—but we worked for that.

It wasn’t easy, but it was so worth it.

And both people have to really want the marriage. One can’t do all the work.

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Lyoness

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I have a feeling this isn't going to get many upvotes because people love black/white or yes/no answer and this is far more nuanced. A marriage isn't a static thing, it ebbs and flows. It's grey, not black or white. Not every marriage will encounter cheating, and of the ones that do, a lot won't survive, but if you work through it, a relationship can survive.

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Yes, because he is my husband and father of my children. Also, because I have nowhere else to go. It is like I do not have much choice.

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Jay Scales

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An all too common position to be in. It's sad.

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I did take him back once but he ended up cheating on my with the same girl again that he cheated on me with the first time around. Talk about deja vu.

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Janelle Collard

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This is very sad. Hope OP took him to the cleaners. :)

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I stayed for a while (bit less than a year after the reveal) working on the dynamic in dual counseling to make sure I could look my kids in the eyes with a clear conscience and pure heart when they grow up … knowing I did every last thing I could to do my part in fixing whatever was wrong in our relationship. It wasn’t worth it. If I had it to do over, I’d never subject my heart and head to the utter nonsense that follows cheating. It was too much.

That extra time I stayed left me with more scars than necessary … several still haven’t fully healed and it’s five years later. The cheating was hard enough to stomach, but his words trying to offload blame, justify himself, reduce me, and drag me down to his level brutalized my head and heart. I still silently work to grow beyond the terrible residue of it all. I don’t know if I ever fully will.

It was a two decade marriage and he had a midlife crisis. There was an out of the blue motorcycle purchase with kids still in car seats having waited a decade to have them (not impulsive), a plea for me to dabble in hallucinogenics with him (drugs head-scratching enough given our squeaky clean history, but with babies around finally? No way), unusual music choices, an arrogant attitude, he was so angry at me so often, me walking on eggshells, and him trying to make the case for an open marriage after I found evidence of the affair. OMG.

All of this was from a real straight arrow and staunch lifelong nondrinker (I have no issue with some alcohol here and there, but never cared about it much - so didn’t worry about it not being part of our lives. I respected what seemed like his self-knowledge and self-respect. Now I see it was all about control - just one more aspect of control for his professional, industrious, upstanding image. I’m more easygoing and fun-loving with well-defined behavior curbs.)
My heart was in the right place in the marriage, gave it all I had, loved him deeply, made thoughtful life decisions together from work and investments to cool travel and waiting to have children. We were successful and had great couples friends. I comfortably accept responsibility and look for solutions - so I tried to humbly approaching this derailing relationship train to learn and grow knowing he’d assaulted one of my dealbreakers.

But, hey … maybe we change as we age and this value wasn’t that strongly held after 20 years. I mean he seemed to be changing … given all of this. Was I maybe? As it turns out - no. What a waste of my precious time. I was spinning around in the stew of his choices and it impacted my career and mothering. I was so sad, unusually tired, and emotionally wrung out…which impacted my kids - which I regret. I gave him more energy than he deserved. I would’ve been wiser to walk away immediately and not let the - ‘save the marriage’ counseling games begin.

I’m a deep believer in counseling … take it seriously and still wouldn’t ever abuse myself by allowing myself to go through that medieval dungeon again. Stick around for what exactly? I’m enough on my own thank you very much. Cheating is emotionally abusive behavior and PTSD was a result. I learned when he began revealing himself - there were things he’d repressed so deeply he didn’t even know who he was over the years. He was who he thought he ‘should’ be. It was sad and insulting because I’m open-minded, so his lack of trust was wasted. I’d always had his back and thought he had mine. It didn’t have to end the way it did. But it’s like he imploded and I was taken down by debris or something. I can’t believe I came thru it intact thinking about it all sometimes. Him begging me not to leave him … the long, drawn-out tug and pull of that messed me up good, too. What a waste of about five prime years conscientiously trying to navigate it all ‘for the kids’. Never again. Ever.

He wasn’t the man I thought he was, because he didn’t even know who he was himself. A spouse … no matter how engaged, patient, and loving can’t fix those kinds of holes in the heart. He had significant personal work to do.

Eventually, looking at my kids, I realized I’d never want them to put up with what I had put up with and I’m an example for them of self-respect, resilience, and optimism. I left and seeing how their dad still is so ‘emotionally youthful’ as a 50-year-old man seemingly regressing …I’m incredibly proud I left … trusting my instincts despite how deeply painful … and how society sometimes pushes against divorce to save status quo. I’m deeply spiritual and grew up very Catholic never thinking I’d ever divorce. I’ll say it again. I’d kindly leave at first reveal if it ever happens again.

Cheating is a revealer … not of the spouse, but of damage in the person cheating. It’s also a spotlight … shining a light on deficiencies, poor coping skills, and deficient communication skills in the person cheating … not the spouse.

Ain’t got time for that nonsense and I’ve had plenty of opportunities so it’s not about that which we hear so often. It’s about personal standards and keeping decisions thoughtful and conscious … considering how what we choose to do impacts other living breathing human beings, not religious institutions.

I was committed to the man I married and saw so many wonderful things in him … too bad he didn’t see that in himself. However, you’d never know the havoc he’s wreaked, because he looks the part. He’s a surface-level, pleasing, smart, handsome guy walking around acting like the nicest, greatest man around. People appear to lap that up.

I’m outgoing, friendly, and real … as authentic as they come meaning I’ll call a spade a spade - so the assumption when people inquire is I’m the one who strayed. Yeah, no. … ain’t that the way.

By the way, I’m 50 now and so content. I love all of the love and kindness in my life now. It’s peaceful and wonderful … and I wish for you the same.

The walk is hard through a significant split, but a destination that honors you with a partner who can give and receive sincere love without pretense - is so so worth it if you choose to have another relationship. My solo time was some of the best I’ve ever had - peacefully spreading out into my own life allowing myself to be all me. I highly recommend either.

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He actually confessed to an affair and blurted out that he wanted a divorce…whike all the signs had been there, I had been in denial..couldn't believe it…he then pleaded with me to stay, ( found out later it was because his mistress dumped him when The Jig was up) I guess you could say I gave it my best shot but I couldn't get the vision of the picture he had painted out of my mind or my heart I eventually left him after trying for about 9 months to forgive and forget.

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Anna Ekberg

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I think she made the right decision, being someones second choice and knowing it can destroy you.

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If you’re okay living with constant anxiety. It’s like living in a nightmare, this itch that just won't go away. They could be doing something as innocent as going grocery shopping and if they don’t respond to your text fast enough… you immediately assume the worst.

This is just one example, but it’s like some invisible force is clawing at your brain and you become irrational, illogical, and any other synonym you can use for crazy. So what your significant other was just at the gym, the store, getting a beer with their friend… they really were being honest, and doing just that but since they cheated on you before, your mind will always come up with crazy scenarios.

You try and keep them to yourself because you don’t want to be insecure but every time something like this happens your heart rate increases, you gradually go into a frenzy until they finally text you back or call you. It’s like you’re on drugs and the only way to fix it is getting a hit from them. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy… you actually go out of your way to look for evidence because you subconsciously assume if they did it once, they’ll do it again.

I spent a good 6 months going through this recently. I can tell you with absolute certainty it's not worth it. You can’t live your life like this. It’s not normal and since it ended. Yes I’m sad but it’s like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I can finally breath again, sleep easy and not carry this insurmountable anxiety around caused by continuing to date someone who cheated on you.

Why would you ever want to be intimate with someone who doesn’t appreciate you? Why would you ever settle for such a person? Because they’re hot? Come on have a little more self respect. Have some higher standards.

Not every ending has to be bad, sometimes things end so that new things can begin. Remember that and best of luck to you!

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Dread Pirate Roberts

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Once they destroy your trust, it would be pretty hard to earn it back. I know if a guy cheated on me, I would never be able trust him again. And as far as intimacy went, it would be nonexistent because I would be paranoid that he might be wishing or imagining that I'm someone else.

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Without writing a book on it I stayed I’m still here. Why? It’s complicated when you dig deep enough into your own soul. I love her, we had kids together, and I love her and our kids. When you spend over two decades together it’s hard to just say screw it and walk away.

The person before her was pregnant with my child I spent a year with and she cheated on me and I erased her from my heart. Paid child support and ended up with custody of my son and raised him. The one I’m with now we are about to be 27 years together. She cheated and I almost erased her from my heart but found it very difficult to do. Our kids are all grown now and I’m still here.
The thing is that you need to remember is love is not sex it’s a part of it but just like you can be single and bar hop and sleep with people you meet at the end of the day you know as much fun as you had it wasn’t love. Love is different. Cheating however is also a major bad decision in any relationship and the hardest part to get past is the feeling of being betrayed. I’m not sure I’m past it but you do reach a point where you stop thinking about it but it takes years. Is it worth it? You have to make that decision yourself.

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Jay Scales

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1 month ago

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I agree, there is no one right answer. Each person is different. Each situation has different nuances.

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I believed him when he told me he loved me and that he had made a mistake. I was just so shocked and confused and heartbroken.

I let my heart rule my head when I knew better.

If someone ever cheats on me again, which I will really really really try to avoid in the future, I will never speak to them again regardless of any situation.

Once a cheater always a cheater.

To refer to an episode of “"Friends” - ‘we were on a break’, that is different.

XO

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I stayed because I loved her,but wished later I had left her because she never stopped and kept cheating until she died of cancer.

23 years we were together and done a lot of damage to each other.

I left 100’s of times but came back or she would find me and ask me back. She said she was sorry for doing it and has her last breath. She died of cancer.

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Anna Ekberg

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1 month ago

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This sounds like a very unhealthy relationship.

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Well, it still ended.

Actually, quite abruptly and she blamed it all on me. Not her cheating…she eventually said it never happened and was a whatever moment.

It was actually quite confusing.

Anyway…I am a sucker for love and I am a hopeless romantic. So I try to always hope and give people the benefit of the doubt. Plus, I really thought I loved our 13 year marriage and family dynamic. And she swore she made a mistake and it wasn’t what she wanted. She wanted me she said.

In the moment, trying again just seemed right. I don’t regret it…you don’t get a third chance though.

My mindset

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Ephemera Image

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She wanted him, but she was just test-driving other models for fun, lol.

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I stayed. We have been in a long distance relationship for about three years now. We are both Tanzanian but she studied in Australia and stayed there, only comes back in November thru to February.

LDR was hard on me but it hit her harder. She started to suggest that we see and date other people. I objected to that idea because I knew once we started doing that, we’d never recover. Then in August this year, my fears were confirmed. She called me late in the evening and told me that she was sorry. I asked her what she was sorry about and that is when she opened up and told me everything. She had gotten intimate with a workmate and they had set up a FWB arrangement, for a month they would meet every weekend and have sex.

I guess the guilt got to her and she couldn’t hide it from me any longer. My heart sunk, I was paralysed with confusion, fear and disbelief. Should I leave her? Should I shout and bash her? Should I ignore her for a week / give her the silent treatment? I did none of the above.

We have always maintained honesty and proper communication in our relationship. I don’t know how we missed talking about this? However, I knew it was only a matter of time before she told me what was bothering her because I could see that she was not her usual self, whenever I asked her what the matter was, she’d say ”it’s nothing, I am just fatigued from work”. She had changed. and also she was frequently telling me to see someone else while she is away.

I stayed because I looked back at all the things we had done together, we’d grown together, we’d always pushed each other professionally, she is an architect and I am a behavioral psychologist . I was deeply hurt by her action, but I did not feel that ending the relationship was justifiable. I did not even think of ending the relationship even though she kept saying I should. I wasn’t going to throw away a relationship because of this, I know it does not make sense but to me it does.

I love her so much that I was able to see past that dark part of our relationship. I was not about to let some random guy waltz in a spoil a relationship that has taken 4 years to build.

She apologized. I forgave her. We reconciled.

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I stayed with my wife after she cheated,because I loved, and she loved me, and because her cheating was not worthy of losing her.

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Sa Ruuu

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1 month ago

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Can someone who cheats on you really love you?

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Yes, because I always thought it was just a random, too drunk, one-night stand thing. And it is hard for me to give up on not just us but the family we made. I dealt with years of depression and didn't even realize it. I just assumed I would heal and life would go back to normal. When you are completely honest and faithful to someone for a number of years, and they make a mistake like that, it really puts in perspective what is really important to you.

For me, losing her completely might as well be a death sentence. All the years grooming me so that my very existence revolved around her, and I was happy to do that, I loved her. Letting go just wasnt an option. I'm still in love with her, I believe she has some sort of love for me, but it's definitely different, I almost think it's full blown hatred sometimes. When we separate after a fight, she starts looking for replacement guys to get attention from. Meanwhile, I just think of what I did wrong to make her flip out on me.

On my 30th birthday I woke up and discovered she was chatting/flirting with like 5 other guys, some of them were ex boyfriends that were married. She didn't care, when confronted she began cursing, screaming and blaming me. Happy birthday to me I guess? But whatever makes her happy right? I never wanted attention or sex from other girls, just to figure this out. I guess I'm just so broken at this point, but not so broken that I'm done fighting. If any other man thinks he's just gonna steal my family while I sit back and watch, has another thing coming.

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Peppy

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If the cheater is putting the blame on the innocent partner there’s no remorse or exceptance of guilt, that’s a no win situation

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My boyfriend has changed in so many ways since he cheated. He keeps his phone unlocked at all times. He is thoughtful and considerate. He looks out for me, and I can't deny that he loves and treats me well. That said, the trust is gone. And although it is being rebuilt, there are so many triggers, and my threat perception is always present. Whereas before I felt this ease and security, it is now replaced with these creeping suspicions that it will happen again. I still get this intense well of anxiety and pain when I know he is talking to a woman he is working with. I am fearful of every woman.

I'm a very attractive and high-status woman (not arrogant, just accurate), and he cheated on me with this really unattractive, low-life, trashy woman. I don't mean to be unkind, but she really has nothing going for her. I say that because now I have no clue who a 'threat' is. I see literally every woman as a threat. I fear that he secretly has a thing with another woman or is plotting his next girl in line.

Also, our sex has never recovered. Not to get too personal, but we were in the kink community and did a lot of BDSM. A lot of extremes. We used to have sex for three to four hours a day. And now we're very toned down. Since the trust isn't there, it's different. It's not as fun because, in my head, I will occasionally think about what the sex with 'her' was like. If he said and did the same things.

Finally, and most painfully, my confidence has not returned. I know that objectively I'm a '10,' according to many. I'm an amazing girlfriend; I'm educated, compassionate, and successful. But I still feel inadequate, like a second choice. My self-esteem has taken such a hit because I'll often judge myself for getting back with someone who disrespected me for so long and abandoned the home I created for us so he could pursue something with a toad. And even though he treats me well now, the damage and intense suffering I endured for six months makes me question both my sanity and my taste.

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LeftEyedAsmodeus

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Sorry, thats just to much "I am so perfect!" for me.

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