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People Share The Ultimate Red Flag That Overshadows All The Green Ones, Here Are 30 Of The Most Accurate Ones
Interview
No one is perfect; no matter how much we idealize a person—be it a family member, a partner, an idol, or someone else—they ought to have flaws. At least one. And even though it’s important to try and accept people for who they are—the good and the bad included—sometimes that one flaw can outweigh all the good qualities they possess.
Redditor u/WoodenInevitable1574 recently asked the ‘Ask Reddit’ community what is one red flag in a partner that negates all the green ones, and members had plenty to share. Ranging from dishonesty to the daily number of selfies taken, their answers covered all sorts of factors that would fend them off from otherwise even the most perfect of partners. Scroll down to find them on the list below, together with some of the OP’s thoughts on the matter, which they shared with Bored Panda during a recent interview.
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#1
They voted for Trump. That shows a clear lack of kindness, integrity, and intelligence.
RELATED:
#2
There's a lot, but the one I have that isn't here yet is animal cruelty, except if it's towards a cockroach.
The redditor told Bored Panda that the reason they posed the question was an ended relationship. “I asked it as some surprising revelations came up from a failed relationship I was involved in, and I was curious if I was a unique case,” they said.
Professor of psychology at the Derner School of Psychology of Adelphi University, Lawrence Josephs, PhD., pointed out that sometimes people turn a blind eye to red flags and character flaws while in a relationship, especially in the very beginning. It is related to the phenomena of ‘the primacy effect’, ‘the confirmation bias’, and ‘motivated perception’.
#4
Having different levels of respect for people according to their profession, status, health, finances, popularity, race, etc...
You know the ones that cozy up to their peers while yelling at the waiter that brings their food to the table, mocking a special needs customer on the other table for "fun" and/or talking trash about people with a different skin color behind their backs because how dare they?
I hate those people, and make it a point to avoid them like the plague.
D. Pitbull 1 year ago
Oh hey, I see OP has met my sibling! Yeeah... don't ever EVER tell me "they're family! Forgive everything!" - no.
#5
I have a bunch, but the one that'll get me downvoted to hell? Extremely devout in their religion. Doesn't matter what religion to me - if they're seriously religious, I'm gone.
The primacy effect refers to people presenting the best version of themselves when they first start dating someone, in order to make a good first impression. Dr. Lawrence Josephs suggested that such a positive impression can influence our judgment and the way we perceive the person in the future.
That often leads to confirmation bias, which means people tend to selectively look for evidence that could confirm their first impression. Similarly, they often choose to ignore anything that can challenge the positive impression, including all sorts of red flags.
#6
Never admitting they were wrong, even in the face of evidence. Never apologizing.
No empathy for other’s distress.
Sue Denham 1 year ago
This. And blaming any wrongdoing on someone else. "Someone told me to do it." "If he hadn't done . . . I wouldn't have had to . . .."
#7
Racism/hate.
Alexia 1 year ago (edited)
Many use their education/ background as an excuse for their racist views. Nope. At some point in life, you are making your own choices. My father is racist, homophobic, xenophobic and misogynistic (and also abusive and violent to his family). I moved away and haven't spoken to him in years.
#8
Littering. Like , blatantly. Throwing trash out of a car window for example. It's my pet peeve. Of course, I'd point it out to them first and see if they stopped doing it but it would still be a huge red flag to me.
According to Josephs, cognitive biases are driven by motivated perception, as people are highly motivated to believe in the idealized image they’ve created of their partner (due to being tired of being single or lonely, and similar reasons). However, he believes that people do notice red flags despite the primacy effect, the confirmation bias, and motivated perception clouding their judgment.
The OP revealed to Bored Panda what is one red flag that negates all the green ones for them: “I consider abuse of trust as the line that cannot be crossed under any circumstances. No matter what other qualities one may possess, once they break my trust, it's nearly impossible to gain it back.”
#9
Anti-science.
Ka Se 1 year ago
As someone who works close to the scientific field, I would like to say that many seem to misunderstand the concept of science. Scientific knowledge is not fixed, it is what we think is closest to reality based on various sophisticated experiments and observations. Within the scientific community there is constant discussion and sometimes verification (unfortunately this is far too rare as there is neither prestige nor money for it and verification is even more expensive) whether all this is so.
#10
Cruelty. People can hide it pretty well sometimes but when you see it, it’s best to dip.
strawbisundae replied:
Especially animal cruelty. My old art teacher from the third highschool I attended told me (literally old, she was 72) that, how someone treats animals is often how they treat people and you do not want someone like that in your life.
#11
Absurd possesiveness („you can’t wear that“, „you cant go there“, „you cant talk to that guy“).
The OP believes that sharing stories and discussing similar topics can help people dispose of certain negative emotions. “Human beings are social animals. They take no joy in loneliness, and I'm not just talking physically. If someone else shares your uneasy feelings, they dissipate faster. I make these claims from personal observation and experience,” they said.
#13
If they ever start bragging on how "fortunate" you are to be with them and how they have a roster of people they can be with at any moment.
#14
Victim complex.
kgriff112 replied:
Just ended a friendship I’ve had with someone since kindergarten due to this.
She was always the hero or the victim (ya know, always the martyr), and it was always about her. Sad that it ended after so long but I couldn’t take it anymore, and I hated feeling like a hypocrite, calling myself her friend while growing to resent her more and more each day.
#15
How they treat boundaries. If you set one, someone is either going to test it, or they'll actively try to help you maintain it. And if they're the former, things will only get worse from there in how they treat you.
#16
ABUSE
angied4liberty 1 year ago (edited)
Keep in mind that abuse is not just physical. Mental and emotional abuse can be far worse sometimes
Danish Susanne 1 year ago
That must be why two women I of my aquanitance stayed with abusive husbands. They both said, that they were afraid noone else would want them. The saddest part was that at least one of them was very good looking, but no longer belived in that.
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luka! (she/her) 1 year ago
This should be higher. Abusers can literally go f**k themselves. I don’t understand how anyone can live with the fact that they intentionally abuse others, people they're supposed to love. It's so disturbing
Wysteria_Rose 1 year ago
Know a woman whose ex tried to freaking strangle her. There were actually people (I assume HIS family and friends) who were happy when she said she wanted to try to work it out. We were all so relieved when she left, took her daughter and went off the grid for a bit. Now she lives safely and her and her kid are happy.
BeepBoop is Lonely (she/they) 1 year ago
can we please make the higher than #20. It should be at the beginning because it's so important, even if it seems obvious
Claire Smith 1 year ago
i had a friend once who would abuse me physically, mentally and emotionally. i don't want to say their name in case theyre is still stalking me, don't know how or why I was friends with them for so long -.-
Celtic Pirate Queen 1 year ago
Unfortunately, they've usually got you somewhat isolated and dependent on them before physical abuse actually starts. The mental & emotional stuff pretty much begins the second they know they've got you hooked. I am a DV survivor. It took a few years to trust men again and when I did finally get married to my last husband I had confidence in myself again. Imagine my surprise when we were arguing in the garage and he slapped me. Without even thinking about it I cracked that f*cker with a well placed right hook and broke his partial (denture). I told him if he EVER put a hand on me again, I'd slit his throat in his sleep. Apparently he believed because he never raised a hand to me again.
Riley Quinn 1 year ago
By the time it gets to this stage, you've already overlooked the red flags. You're now in the evacuation phase.
Maggie Mae 1 year ago
ALL ABUSE is BAD!! None of it should be Permitted in The 2023 Year of such Intelligence all Bullies & Beaters of Children Partners & Animals should Be sent One way to Live on MARS they are a Completely Useless sub Species on Earth!! Waste of Space to all Others!!
DarkGlassSphere 1 year ago
It's not a red flag, it's when some red flags wasn't paid attention to, and it appeared o be a monster. Sometimes people became violent because of sickness, though. Like it wasn't part of their personality, and than several years after something cracked in their brain. Humans are difficult organisms
#18
Overbearing jealousy.
No_transistory replied:
My ex. She would go through my phone while I slept and remove and block people on my social media she didn't want me talking to. Complimenting someone's hair? Flirting. Smiling while talking? Flirting. Liking a photo? Flirting.
She could not stand me having female friends. The irony being most of her friends were male. She also never had anything nice to say about anyone or anything. Left a few months ago and I miss her, but damn I tried and tried and just couldn't cope anymore.
Alexia 1 year ago (edited)
Oooh. I used to spend hours trying to convince my ex that I travelled for business and that was it. "Yeah, sure, who knows what male colleague was with you in your so-called business trip?" How do you prove that you didn't do something? Why would need to prove smth. like that in the first place?
#19
Dishonesty.
Anya Beboop 1 year ago
For me, it depends on the degree of it. Certain things would be a deal-breaker but many things can be worked through and you can find the cause.
#20
The older I get, the more there are. I'm not dealing with possessiveness, unkindness towards people or animals, gaslighting or other manipulative dishonesty, rage problems, irresponsible financial habits, excessive bathroom humor... I'm sure there's more. And I'm not in the business of changing people.
If we are talking early/first date stuff, though, I'd say being unkind or stingy with wait staff. Quick and easy pass.
#23
Following anyone in the manosphere. Andrew Tate/Jordan Peterson/ Pearl for example.
#25
Narcissistic behaviour/ manipulation. Doesn’t matter how perfect they are otherwise. Because chances are it’s not actually the real them.
#26
Quite a few. Just being rude to people. You can be nice to people in your life,but rude to strangers and I can't stand it.
Michael P (Perthaussieguy) 1 year ago
Having worked in retail in my 20's & 30's I can quite agree with this. Some customers treat you as a servant.
#27
Addiction.
As a recovering alcoholic, that's no way to live.
Shyla Bouche 1 year ago
It's too late for me. I read that as abduction. In my defense, I was watching X-Files earlier.
#28
Finding out they want something like kids several months down the road, when in the beginning they swore not wanting any and you're concrete in not wanting any.
Like, I'm not changing my mind so make up yours and stop wasting my time and effort.
Mis Stake she/her 🇫🇮🇬🇧 1 year ago
Hate this! I make sure right in the beginning i dont want kids so no one is disappointed later on. If you lied to make me like you or to be with me its your fault thing are going to end or you are going to be childless
#29
Smoking
(Sorry, but kissing a smoker is absolutely gross.)
#30
Lack of communication.
What do you think ?
Diolla 1 year ago
Am missing a major one here. When all their exes are creeps/ idiots/ liars/ whores/ selfish/ etc.. It's never THEIR fault the relationship ended.
Zane Lumagrowl 1 year ago
I like the saying, if you smell dog s**t everywhere you go, then maybe check the bottom of your shoes!
Load More Replies... 
Sue Lynn Chan 1 year ago
One question for me: Is listening a crime documentary or horror story a red flag as well? I’ve been a big fan of those, yet I’m worried If give off a bad vibe.
D. Pitbull 1 year ago
What? Omg... Forensic Files is one of my favourite shows. Nah, liking to listen to those/watch those things isn't a red flag... talking (seriously) about how you're taking NOTES and practicing body disposal (and that's not your profession) ... yeah, maybe you don't wanna do that...
Load More Replies...
Amanda 1 year ago
Anyone who has spent their adult life going from relationship to relationship without spending any real time being single
Cori 1 year ago
I was guilty of this until I spent 5 years single/ celibate after my divorce. There was no time to date. Right or wrong, I was just disgusted with men in general. It was more important that I focus on my kids. There were just so many reasons. It turned out to be SO good for me though. Now, if I'm with someone, it's a want to rather than a need to. It might sound like semantics, but it really is so different.
Load More Replies...
Iridian 1 year ago (edited)
These are all good examples of red flags, but really, it seems like people didn't quite understand the question, because these are not the kind of red flags that would just pop up all by themselves. These examples are more like "cluster red flags" rather than a decent person who has given you tons of green lights but who might give you just the one red one (like the question). For instance (and take any one of the examples), if someone is cruel to animals, they are most likely NOT going to be giving many green signs at all and will be more likely to give multiple other red flags listed here.
Caitlyn Ewing 1 year ago
I agree. No one seemed to mention anything about someone being a one-upper. That's easy to sniff out just by the first conversation.
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Nikki Sevven 1 year ago
A few that I'd add... Doesn't respect your boundaries. Thinks "I'm sorry you feel that way" is a valid apology and/or continues the same behavior for which they've apologized. Hates being alone (they likely lack the level of self-reflection required for self-improvement). Tells you your interests are stupid or a waste of time. Can't communicate issues like a grown a*s adult, but instigates drama instead (screaming arguments, the silent treatment, passive-aggressive behavior).
Brandon Parisien 1 year ago
There's a certain (sci-fi) celebrity of mixed race. She'd post BLM memes (which is fine) plus memes that were a tad anti-white. If a person of colour called her on it she'd never respond; if you were white and did it she'd call you racist. I used to like her until she blew up at me ranting how it was OK to hate white people because her mom didn't teach her native language; the mom married a white guy and lived in an English speaking area. I feel sorry for her white husband :p
Nathan Temple 1 year ago
The name of this article is people share "Their Ultimate Red Flag" and yet no one person said previous convictions for sexual predation. Weird.
Ray Arani 1 year ago (edited)
When all their prior relationships ended for the same reason. My ex wouldn't talk s**t about her exes, was respectful and even spoke fondly of them, so I figured she wasn't one of those and he relationships just didn't work out for life reasons. Then once we were dating she admitted every single relationship had gone sour because in her words, if she spoke up about her feelings or needs they'd get mad and break up with her instead of being willing to work on things. I was like, well that's a coincidence but maybe she attracted a type. Then .... Whenever she had a problem, if it has anything to do with us or not, she'd got totally silent. So I figured it was a reaction to those bad relationships. It was probably actually a leftover from her childhood, which is sad, but what she ended up doing despite me going out of my way to provide her with a safe space to talk, was refusing to communicate for weeks or months at a time, then blew up screaming at me at 3am while I was fighting a migraine and saying really extreme stuff that she later tried to roll back as being overstated in the heat of the moment. Some of it was about my kid, who is well adjusted and well behaved and on target for his age socially, but she tried to make him out to be some sort of psycho monster for not knowing things, or asking questions, or here's the kicker, greeting her whenever she'd walk into a room he was in. Like, none of what she was saying even made sense. And I'm sitting there like, well if this is how you "voice your needs and boundaries" in relationships no wonder you keep getting dumped!! Then I realized that the whole "all my relationships end for the same reason" thing was a huge red flag. I've dated a lot of people, and all my relationships ended for unique reasons, mostly incompatibly of life goals or something like that, and I stayed friends with nearly all my exes like a good lesbian. Some of them even offered to be dating references for me. That's what I want in my next partner, someone who's ex still thinks their great enough to recommend to others.
Leo Domitrix 1 year ago
If you get as far as meeting their relatives... Yeah, they'll be like the family. You might not know how, but you'll find out if you stick around.
Laura Kaye 1 year ago
I (hope) this isn't entirely true.... If I am like my mom or dad, then I am going to end up being a racist bigoted angry piece of trash like my dad or someone who talks and talks but never ACTUALLY listens to anyone like my mom. My dad and mom both treat animals like they are furniture and neglects them by not interacting with them. My dad doesn't show affection at all and is emotionally abusive. My mom shows emotion and is loving but will gaslight you into doing things her way. I do not want to be my parents. I want to be myself - I spoil my animals, I show affection, I TRULY try to listen to my partner's problems and communicate when things need to change. I am unfortunately quite susceptible to abuse and being taken advantage of because I try to be more generous and caring than my parents...
Load More Replies...
Diolla 1 year ago
Am missing a major one here. When all their exes are creeps/ idiots/ liars/ whores/ selfish/ etc.. It's never THEIR fault the relationship ended.
Zane Lumagrowl 1 year ago
I like the saying, if you smell dog s**t everywhere you go, then maybe check the bottom of your shoes!
Load More Replies... Sue Lynn Chan 1 year ago
One question for me: Is listening a crime documentary or horror story a red flag as well? I’ve been a big fan of those, yet I’m worried If give off a bad vibe.
D. Pitbull 1 year ago
What? Omg... Forensic Files is one of my favourite shows. Nah, liking to listen to those/watch those things isn't a red flag... talking (seriously) about how you're taking NOTES and practicing body disposal (and that's not your profession) ... yeah, maybe you don't wanna do that...
Load More Replies... Amanda 1 year ago
Anyone who has spent their adult life going from relationship to relationship without spending any real time being single
Cori 1 year ago
I was guilty of this until I spent 5 years single/ celibate after my divorce. There was no time to date. Right or wrong, I was just disgusted with men in general. It was more important that I focus on my kids. There were just so many reasons. It turned out to be SO good for me though. Now, if I'm with someone, it's a want to rather than a need to. It might sound like semantics, but it really is so different.
Load More Replies... Iridian 1 year ago (edited)
These are all good examples of red flags, but really, it seems like people didn't quite understand the question, because these are not the kind of red flags that would just pop up all by themselves. These examples are more like "cluster red flags" rather than a decent person who has given you tons of green lights but who might give you just the one red one (like the question). For instance (and take any one of the examples), if someone is cruel to animals, they are most likely NOT going to be giving many green signs at all and will be more likely to give multiple other red flags listed here.
Caitlyn Ewing 1 year ago
I agree. No one seemed to mention anything about someone being a one-upper. That's easy to sniff out just by the first conversation.
Load More Replies... Nikki Sevven 1 year ago
A few that I'd add... Doesn't respect your boundaries. Thinks "I'm sorry you feel that way" is a valid apology and/or continues the same behavior for which they've apologized. Hates being alone (they likely lack the level of self-reflection required for self-improvement). Tells you your interests are stupid or a waste of time. Can't communicate issues like a grown a*s adult, but instigates drama instead (screaming arguments, the silent treatment, passive-aggressive behavior).
Brandon Parisien 1 year ago
There's a certain (sci-fi) celebrity of mixed race. She'd post BLM memes (which is fine) plus memes that were a tad anti-white. If a person of colour called her on it she'd never respond; if you were white and did it she'd call you racist. I used to like her until she blew up at me ranting how it was OK to hate white people because her mom didn't teach her native language; the mom married a white guy and lived in an English speaking area. I feel sorry for her white husband :p
Nathan Temple 1 year ago
The name of this article is people share "Their Ultimate Red Flag" and yet no one person said previous convictions for sexual predation. Weird.
Ray Arani 1 year ago (edited)
When all their prior relationships ended for the same reason. My ex wouldn't talk s**t about her exes, was respectful and even spoke fondly of them, so I figured she wasn't one of those and he relationships just didn't work out for life reasons. Then once we were dating she admitted every single relationship had gone sour because in her words, if she spoke up about her feelings or needs they'd get mad and break up with her instead of being willing to work on things. I was like, well that's a coincidence but maybe she attracted a type. Then .... Whenever she had a problem, if it has anything to do with us or not, she'd got totally silent. So I figured it was a reaction to those bad relationships. It was probably actually a leftover from her childhood, which is sad, but what she ended up doing despite me going out of my way to provide her with a safe space to talk, was refusing to communicate for weeks or months at a time, then blew up screaming at me at 3am while I was fighting a migraine and saying really extreme stuff that she later tried to roll back as being overstated in the heat of the moment. Some of it was about my kid, who is well adjusted and well behaved and on target for his age socially, but she tried to make him out to be some sort of psycho monster for not knowing things, or asking questions, or here's the kicker, greeting her whenever she'd walk into a room he was in. Like, none of what she was saying even made sense. And I'm sitting there like, well if this is how you "voice your needs and boundaries" in relationships no wonder you keep getting dumped!! Then I realized that the whole "all my relationships end for the same reason" thing was a huge red flag. I've dated a lot of people, and all my relationships ended for unique reasons, mostly incompatibly of life goals or something like that, and I stayed friends with nearly all my exes like a good lesbian. Some of them even offered to be dating references for me. That's what I want in my next partner, someone who's ex still thinks their great enough to recommend to others.
Leo Domitrix 1 year ago
If you get as far as meeting their relatives... Yeah, they'll be like the family. You might not know how, but you'll find out if you stick around.
Laura Kaye 1 year ago
I (hope) this isn't entirely true.... If I am like my mom or dad, then I am going to end up being a racist bigoted angry piece of trash like my dad or someone who talks and talks but never ACTUALLY listens to anyone like my mom. My dad and mom both treat animals like they are furniture and neglects them by not interacting with them. My dad doesn't show affection at all and is emotionally abusive. My mom shows emotion and is loving but will gaslight you into doing things her way. I do not want to be my parents. I want to be myself - I spoil my animals, I show affection, I TRULY try to listen to my partner's problems and communicate when things need to change. I am unfortunately quite susceptible to abuse and being taken advantage of because I try to be more generous and caring than my parents...
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