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We all know that words can heal, just as they can hurt. The same goes with asking questions. Sometimes even the most innocent ones, given the particular circumstances, like a simple “who are you?” and “why wouldn’t you stand up straight for a photo?” can hit us in the bones.
So when Redditor Sneha_magic asked people “What innocent question that someone asked you crushed you a little?” on the AskReddit community, it resonated with many people. And they shared their own emotional experiences when a single question made them very emotional, and it’s one hell of a read. It turns out, we should never take any question for granted, no matter how innocent and well-intentioned it may feel to us.
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#1
I went to get a haircut for my Fiance's funeral. It was Friday. He had died on Tuesday. My stylist, all bubbly, said, 'It's been awhile!! The last time I saw you, you were just about to move in with your boyfriend! How's it going?' The words stuck and I kind of rasped it out.
Honestly though, her reaction was so wonderful. She was behind me, and just put her hands firmly on my shoulders and looked me in the eyes in the mirror. No shock, no stupid platitudes, just silent, genuine empathy. The rest of the haircut was pretty quiet, but she did everything so... like, lovingly, and didn't make a big deal out of it when I cried a little.
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#2
A waiter asked me if my wife was pregnant once. She was just bloated from chemo side effects. Crushed me, so glad she didn't hear. She couldn't have had kids and she passed 2 years back.
Edit: I just wanted to say thanks to those who commented on this, it wasn't expected. We went to the place a lot so as a young couple he had seen over the years it was probably a reasonable thing to assume.
Also I'm doing ok, we knew she was terminal for most of our relationship, we probably did more in those few short years than we would have normally. It hurts a lot still but I know I have her everything I possibly could in that time. Just remember to live life like each day could be your last people, mend that broken friendship, ask out that girl, follow your dream. XXX.
#3
I teach 1st grade and was talking about how I've been married for 5 years. One student asked, 'How could you not have a baby by now?' Not wanting to explain multiple miscarriages and IVF to a classroom of 6 year olds I said, 'Being around all of you makes my heart so full that I don't think I have room in my heart for a baby!!' They all smiled. I smiled too. I've learned from my experience to never ask couples when/if they want to have a family.
Previously, Bored Panda reached out to Lynn How, the author of “,” about the psychology behind asking and receiving questions like that. Lynn specializes in supporting parents, teachers, and children navigating through mental health issues and prevention. According to Lynn, it is always a good idea to think carefully before asking a question. “There are so many variables to consider, such as, is my question too personal? Do I know the person well enough to ask this question? Should I ask this question in private rather than in front of others? Do I really need to know the answer?”
#4
When I was 13 my mom got a divorce from a man who I can only refer to as a “step monster”
I worked all summer to save up money since we didn’t have a lot and I was worried we wouldn’t have enough to pay the bills.
I ended up having a few dollars left over and wanted to buy my mom a gift and she mentioned she needed a new watch for her birthday.
I went to the jeweler and got a $100 gold Citizen Evo Drive watch. It was functional and it looked really nice.
When I gave it to her, her first response was “thanks honey, did it come in silver?”
I was crushed.
Insult to injury: she started dating a guy around the same time and he bought her a crappy silver watch. She ended up wearing his over mine
18 years later and it still hurts when I think about it.
MaddaPanda 2 years ago
Your unconditional love and all the heart felt beautiful gifts couldn’t buy her a soul because she was empty in the first place.
#5
Just happened recently actually. A few years ago I had a pretty awesome life, I was married. My husband and I were trying to have kids and when I needed a car we just got me an SUV in anticipation for needing it for kids (he had two and we planned to have 2-3)
Well things didn’t work out and he ended up dying from drinking himself to death in January and between that and 2 miscarriages, an ectopic and an IVF cycle that failed I’m slowly coming to the realization that I’ll never be a mother. It’s painful to say the least.
The kid I nanny for was sitting in my car and we were discussing his day when he says 'nanny why do you have such a big car when it’s only you?' I wanted to cry right there on the spot, it just really stung. But instead I told him it was because I knew I would be watching him and I needed a car big enough for him which seemed to placate him and he then started discussing Batman with me.
#6
My mom accidentally called me after about 10 years of not talking. I answered all ready for a serious conversation. When I answered, she was like 'wait, who's this?' I say 'hey mom it's me.' Her reply is what hurt.
Who? Why are you calling me mom?
She was so drunk she didn't recognize her own daughter's name. F**k'aye.
Elliot Fowler 2 years ago
Heart breaking but maybe since the mom called while drunk, in her subconscious mind she might still want to mend the relationship with her daughter
Moreover, Lynn argues, some questions can easily be taken to be offensive or out of context, even if no offense was meant. “Sometimes well-meaning people can ask something and be surprised by the blunt response! Sometimes we answer the question politely but are secretly dying inside due to sadness or embarrassment.”
#7
My son undergoing chemo and radiation treatment for a bone marrow transplant. People, meaning well of course, would always ask 'how's your son doing?' I'd always have to fake a smile and give some shallow hopeful answer 'he's fine. He's a fighter' but deep inside the question crushed me every time. No, he was suffering. Teetered on the brink of Life and death. He was not 'fine' and Everytime I heard that question I was reminded of it and had to swallow the pain. My son has since recovered, but it was a very tough time.
Plenty Pineapples 2 years ago (edited)
A genuine question- what should people ask? What question would be helpful? I know it would obviously not be the same for everyone... Edit- thank you so much for the responses!
#8
“Since when do you have a stutter?” -my mom
When I get extremely anxious I stutter a lot. My dad had been incredibly hard on me that day and I was holding back tears. It hurt me that my mom had never noticed it before and she seemed annoyed by it rather than concerned.
#9
I grew up lower middle class and my parents had been severely injured by a drunk driver at the end of my 8th grade year and were disabled and no longer able to work. We basically had no money for school clothes but my mother tried to get me a few cool shirts.
I wasn’t a popular kid and most people didn’t really know much about me. In my freshman year of high school, one of the popular girls in my class asked, “don’t you have more than 3 shirts? I only ever see you in the same 3 shirts.”
High school in the 80’s in the United States sucked.
Mohammad Ammar 2 years ago (edited)
This is why school uniform exists. Saves kids from stuff like this, and saves parents time and money.
Moreover, there are many questions that are better left untouched. “There are a myriad of untouchable subjects that I've gleaned from various life experiences. I am certainly much better at question filtering than I was in my 20s. For example, having gone through fertility treatment, I would never ask someone why they were not pregnant yet because I know firsthand how upsetting it is.”
Other taboo subjects include weight, relationships, salary, and age. “Of course, when it's your best friend, you can ask more deep and meaningful questions in comparison to someone you have just met,” Lynn concluded.
#10
I got asked why I wouldn't stand up straight for a photo. I have kyphosis and am standing up as straight as I can.
#12
Someone jokingly asked me if I was high because my eyes were red. I had just been diagnosed with an eye disease and told I would go blind before 50. My eyes were red from my medicated eye drops and partially from crying. I was only sixteen and having a hard time coming to terms with it.
Samantha Power 2 years ago
Sorry to read this, always wonder why people can be so incredibly insensitive.
#13
"Why did you did you teach yourself how to shave"
My boss asked me when I missed a few spots when I was in work. We got into the topic of shaving properly. My father died when I was 12 of a heart attack. He wasn't really around enough or cared enough to be in my life. From when he left my mother when I was 5, she raised me until i was 18 and then thank god my step father came into our life. He married my mom and right after, took me to the court house and adopted me. I told him that it wasn't necessary since I was 18 and starting life as a man but he insisted that he wanted to be there for me until the day he passes away. I still cry till this day that a man who doesn't even have my blood, wants to be there for me for anything. I don't know where I would be without him. Him and my mom have been happily married for 10 years now!
#14
"When will we dig up dad?" asked by my almost 5 yo son. He's never met him as dad died three months before birth. This goes along the question "when will dad stop being dead?".
Debbie Barnes 2 years ago (edited)
Death is so hard to explain to children. Many years ago my son died, when my daughter was 5 years old. Despite trying to explain why her brother was now living in Heaven (can there be any explanation?), she still made up her dolls bed up for him and a jar of rice pudding (that he loved) in the fridge 'for when he came back'....
#15
Specialist appointment and they did the normal thing of checking contact details. They asked if the contact number and details for my wife were still correct. I started crying - my wife passed away this time 12 months ago. Surprising how much one simple question asked in total innocence can bring you to your knee
Stoopham McFernybabes 2 years ago
I did that with a patient, today. I asked if the emergency contact person, [name], was still correct and the patient said “Oh, no - [name’s] in a nursing home now with profound dementia”. I’m so sorry, patient. I really, really am.
#16
'I could never imagine getting cancer at such a young age. How are you this strong/brave/do you stay so positive?' - I’ve stopped counting the amount of people (especially working at the hospital, I’d expect a bit more sensitivity from them) that have asked me that. Yes I’m mid 20’s, but it’s not a choice that I’m 'staying strong.' it’s freaking survival. Every time someone asks me that, it feels like getting punched.
#17
I always wanted to study psychology in college but my overbearing mother wouldn’t have that so I studied chemistry. In my last semester I took an abnormal psychology class just for fun and I crushed it, ending with a 99% average. After the final, my professor took me outside the classroom and said, “Why didn’t you major in psychology? You would have made a great psychologist.”
That really crushed my soul. I think about that day a lot
#18
Rough night last night?' Usually asked with a big smile.
I was asked that all the time when I was younger because I had a really obvious tremor. Thing is, I did not drink or do drugs at all and I had no idea what was wrong with me. I was eventually diagnosed with Graves' Disease and treated for it, but I still have a bit of a tremor.
#19
Someone once asked me "don't you want to be a mom?" Yes, I do. But as I'm single, over 40 and not rich, that's probably not going to happen and it devastated me. I had to say "Yes, I'd love that", and then excuse myself to go home and cry.
Stoopham McFernybabes 2 years ago
Not that I think you should sacrifice yourself for some idiot, but maybe if you did cry straight away the idiot would realise that this is just not an appropriate question to ask anyone.
#20
"Who do you want to list as your emergency contact?"
At the dentist's office a few weeks after my mom died and four years after my dad died. I felt like bursting into tears because, at 22 years old, I really didn't know.
#21
I was a freshmen in High School in 1992-93. My high school science teacher asked me if I was ever jealous of my older brother(he was a senior). I was kind of confused.
She said, "You know, since he is so smart, popular, and just has everything going for him..."
First time I had ever, in my entire life, considered that people viewed my brother as better than me.
It has honestly kind of stuck with me. That was 26 or 27 years ago.
#22
"So when are you going back for your master's degree?"
I was so proud of getting my bachelor's and had no intention of going back because how rough school was for me.
#23
'When will you get better so you can play with us?' My niece who was to young to understand what disabled meant. She's older now and understands I will never get better. And we have adapted play time to do things i can handle as well. But that broke my heart.
#24
Why don't you live with your parents?
I live with my grandparents because I didn't want to live with my abusive stepmoms on both sides of the family. They all live down in Texas while I'm in Colorado. Still hurts a little when people ask, though.
#25
Not a question but my 8 year old niece once remarked "you don't laugh anymore".
Edit: this was over a year ago when I was having a rough time but I'm doing much better now. Thank you all for your support and for sharing your stories. I wish you all the best.
Thanks again for the gold kind strangers xx
#26
“How’s your brother doing? Haven’t seen him in a little while.” He passed away 2 years ago. That wasn’t very fun
#27
'How are you handling everything?' - my notary public who also happens to be my boss's boss while notarizing my divorce paperwork. Completing a divorce packet with no help from an attorney can be a real pain, but at least it kept me focused on the bureaucratic bullsh*t nonsense part of it rather than the fact that my 9 year marriage was ending. Turned out that as soon as someone asked me sincerely how I was doing, the answer was not at all well. I went back to my desk and had a panic attack.
#28
“so why did you decide to take year off school right now?”
I‘m a pre med student only half way though undergrad, so i get that it’s a weird time to take time off school. But i don’t think my new coworkers realize how personal of a question that is. I can’t tell them it’s because I was hospitalized for 2 weeks after trying to kill my self, jumped right back in to school the next semester, and then failed that miserably before realizing that i need to at least take a year off. so i say, “just really felt like i needed a break :)”
N.C. O'Brien 2 years ago
Discharged from Psyche ward during college (after 2 and a half months stay) Friday. Went back to college that Monday. Lasted a week before pulling out of the course as had projects due the following week!! Pressure not worth the paper cert at the end of it
#29
Why don't you have any kids? Sometimes it really bothers me when people ask me this.
#30
I had no friends in summer school and a girl asked me if I had any friends. Like straight up, 'Do you have any friends?' Then became friends with me but still.
#31
This could get covered up but maybe it won't. My most heartbreaking question was
"And who did you used to play for?"
Background context. I come from a family of talented artists and musicians. As a child, I became a sort of music prodigy as I picked up music theory rather quickly along with instrument playing. I used to practice on this very old piano my granny (my great grandma on my dad's side) had. She would patiently listen to me plunk out tunes and became my music mentor.
I had recently been asked by my teacher a couple of get-to-know-you questions and I had said I played for my family but just one person made me better.
My granny passed away back in 2019, and it has been four years since she died on March 12.
I was very close to my granny and her death had hit me hard. Her death was the one who made me realize how little time I had with my loved ones. I ended up just offhandedly saying "My granny."
She asked about my granny and the questions made me uncomfortable before I told the teacher I was uncomfortable and that my granny had died. She just shrugged and continued to ask anyway. My least favorite was
"Did you play anything for her before she died?"
The answer is yes, I played her favorite hymnal but at this point I felt my anxiety act up and I walked out into my other teacher's classroom and told her about the incident. The nosy teacher ended up with a warning and had to give me an apology. Either way, those were some uncomfortable questions.
Final score:
48points
grindelwald_the_insomnia_panda 2 years ago
you most likely aren't looking for anything but, I am sorry. your grandmother sounds AWESOME. if you believe in the after life, maybe she and my grandfather are hanging out? my nana says that if there is thunder it is your loved ones bowling.
#32
“You good?” I’ve been struggling with myself a lot lately, mostly relating to my gender identity and my body. Thank god the friend who asked that is willing to help me out with what I need.
What do you think ?
Number 5 2 years ago
I was unfortunately born with what people would call a "resting b*tch face". I just can't really get my face to emote that much. I know this is rude of me, but I've gotten so sick of hearing "Are you sick?" or "Are you mad?" from random people I've just started to say "Nope, just ugly."
CatGirl 2 years ago
People saying to me, 'You have two PhDs and you're a high school tutor?' Yes, and I don't even clear $800 a week and no, I don't want a 'proper' job because I can't handle being trapped in a place eight hours a day. And do I feel like a total failure? Yes, yes I do
Destiney Haddox 2 years ago
You're not a failure! You're doing what you can and want to do and cannot compare that to anyone else. The Beatles - "there's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be" has always made me feel a bit better. Anyway, much love and have fun at your proper job!
Load More Replies... Number 5 2 years ago
I was unfortunately born with what people would call a "resting b*tch face". I just can't really get my face to emote that much. I know this is rude of me, but I've gotten so sick of hearing "Are you sick?" or "Are you mad?" from random people I've just started to say "Nope, just ugly."
CatGirl 2 years ago
People saying to me, 'You have two PhDs and you're a high school tutor?' Yes, and I don't even clear $800 a week and no, I don't want a 'proper' job because I can't handle being trapped in a place eight hours a day. And do I feel like a total failure? Yes, yes I do
Destiney Haddox 2 years ago
You're not a failure! You're doing what you can and want to do and cannot compare that to anyone else. The Beatles - "there's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be" has always made me feel a bit better. Anyway, much love and have fun at your proper job!
Load More Replies... Related on Bored Panda
