A coworker got married to their "better than nothing" six or seven years ago. It was one of those things where both people settled since they were getting older and I guess they figured they'd give it a shot. They went from single to married in eight months.

Apparently as time went on it only got better for them. They both started actively trying to better themselves (seeing therapists, picking up healthy solo hobbies) and learned how to best communicate with each other over that time. They're both in their early 50s now and they act like a happy younger couple whenever we're at work events. It's kinda cool to see.

Pretty mundane but I wanted to share one that I know that worked out.

Justicles13 , Ketut Subiyanto Report

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Jay Scales

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That's nice to hear :)

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I married my "better than nothing" option in my 30s. We both understood what we had waited for and committed ourselves fully to the marriage. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had married my "preferred option" and I realize that the love I feel from the person I married is so much better than the "preferred option" would have been. I never did convince the preferred option to date me, while the woman I'm married to now found me easy to love.

In other words, my romantic self is an idiot and my better than nothing was actually better than everything.

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Lesbean Soup

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Aw that's really sweet

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I have something to say about this. While not married, I am in a relationship with someone I considered myself “settling” for because he isn’t as conventionally attractive as my exes. The thing about that tho? I’ve never been happier in my life. I went for “high value” gorgeous men who everyone was jealous of me for, but in reality I was being deeply abused and driven to deep mental instability. The man I’m with now makes six figures, is an INCREDIBLE artist, supports me emotionally more than any person ever has, has a super cute butt and dreamy eyes, and loves me in the truest way I think one can be loved. I thought I was settling, but I was just being incredibly shallow and actually hit the jack pot. I can’t WAIT to marry him.

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zububonsai

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Umm, what? She still sounds shallow, imho, citing 6 figures and a cute butt...

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So my marriage is not "better than nothing," but I was also never obsessed with my wife the way I have been obsessed with a new person before. Part of the reason I was willing to marry her was because we communicated well, worked with each other to improve each other's lives, and we generally enjoy many of the same things while still retaining who we are individually. The biggest thing is that we both felt physically and emotionally safe with each other.

I am now obsessed. I love my wife more than I have ever loved anyone.

Xannin , Leah Newhouse Report

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Parmeisan

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Something that ought to be taught in school, or just talked about at all really: New vs Old Relationship Energy. NRE is when you are obsessed with somebody new, when you want to be with them all the time, when they make you feel amazing. It usually fades - when it's at is most intense, it HAS to; it's not sustainable. ORE is when you feel safe with each other, you have shared memories, you know how to communicate with each other, you love deeply instead of broadly. NRE is great, but unnecessary. And yet so many people think that it IS love. They think when NRE fades, it's because they've fallen out of love and they end the relationship. But if you still have ORE, you have something truly valuable. Cherish it.

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I feel like we may have both settled because we had a child together, but 22 years in and he’s a better partner than I could have ever dreamed.

armsinstead , Gary Barnes Report

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Jay Scales

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Happy for you! :)

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I married a guy from Australia 9 years ago to help him immigrate. We were best friends, but also both very straight (I am also male), so we were those two guys that lived together and did everything together (shopping, gardening,riding bikes, arguing like a couple, and throwing parties) and didn't give a f**k if people thought we were gay (it was secretly very amusing a lot of the time). Anyway, still best friends, both living in different provinces now and he got his papers.

bobo76565657 , cottonbro studio Report

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Magenta Blu

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I married for the exact same reason... I needed an European visa because the father of my children took them away from me to Spain, so I needed a way to go to Europe legally for reunite with them again. The father won't help, in fact he didn't want me to even talk with my girls, so my best online Muslim friend married me, because I needed the visa, and he needed money for paying a family debt. So the arrangement worked for both of us. But somehow I realized that a man wanting to marry me for making possible to reunite with my girls is indeed the kind of man i never realized I needed. And my best online friend realized that a women wanting to help him to regain his financial independence and work with him side by side was also the kind of women that he wanted to be her family. And he also admired my determination to do anything for not loosing my kids... So at the end we are unbelievable grateful to have each other in our lifes.

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My parents got married because they were considered old in their church (they were 26 and 24…) and they both wanted kids. My mom told me that is was the practical thing to do, haha! Luckily they hit it off, and though it took a lot of time and work, they are annoyingly in love and have been married for 42 years next month.

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Rae Andringa

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Not sure how I feel about this tbh. I'm happy they're happy, but there's also some yikes.

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I think I am the better than nothing spouse. About a month ago I found out. It was devastating. For 17 years she settled for me despite not truly loving me. Life was hard but we had each other or so I thought. The moment we talked about how bad things got she asked for a divorce and I lost my best friend and sole person who I felt I trusted enough to talk to. I move out tomorrow to rebuild my life.

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Steve Hall

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Seventeen years is a long time, you may have just not noticed the changes as they happened.

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I don't know if this is exactly what you're after, but my husband and I got together as single parents. When you do that, you're choosing as much for the kids as for you. You actually don't know what kind of couple you are on your own. And when the kids grew up, after over a decade together, we had to figure that out for the first time.

It started out good for maybe the first 4-5 years, then went really rocky in the kids' teens. Turns out as they needed us less, we really didn't have enough common ground in a lot of ways - in particular, I had emotional and emotional-labour needs that weren't being met. We discussed divorce several times, but at our peak crisis point, decided to work on it because one of our kids had just had a bereavement (death of the other parent). And honestly, it still wasn't working that well and maybe still would have ended in divorce, but then I had a terrible work situation that lasted a year, and he really stepped up. That was the turning point. I was able to let go of my resentments about all the times I'd carried us, because at some point he'd done enough that I didn't feel baited-and-switched anymore.

Then the kids grew up and we had to learn to be a couple on our own together. That took time, but we'd sort of grown and changed into a better match by then. We're really solid now, have been for probably the last five years or so. But it's been a team endeavour to get it that way and keep it there, it's not something that just happens.

nurseynurseygander , Elina Fairytale Report

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RabidChild

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I'm convinced marriage really isn't about love, it's about commitment and willingness to work as a team.

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I was the btn for husband #1. We divorced after dating for 8 years and 8 years married. Never felt so alone. We were glorified roommates. We got along. It was ok.

Husband #2 thinks I'm the best thing to happen to him and says it often. He's the best thing that ever happened to me. We saved each other. We have stuck together through tough times. It's amazing how different a real marriage is.

schenev_us , Josh Willink Report

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Ephemera Image

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What the heck is a btn?

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This just isn't the perspective i had when dating. It was more like, this person wants to date me and i want to date them. No red flags. We agree on basic life plans. We've been dating for a few years and everything is still cool so lets get married. Neither of us were ever the person of our dreams. We were never head over hills for each other, but 12 years in the marriage has been great.

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Jay Scales

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This kind of quiet & steady love is more enduring than fireworks.

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I think the way you worded this implies that the relationship was s****y to begin with. I married someone I considered kind of a settle at first. I hadn't had a relationship in over a year and met a girl at a bar and thought, "she's pretty enough and I like being around her".

The thing is, we grew together and I have a very successful and happy marriage despite her not initially knocking my socks off. I think I fit your comments intent but I'm not sure because at no point in our relationship was it so bad I didn't want to be in the relationship anymore.

I guess what I'm saying is if my story matches your intent, then it can work out. If you meant marrying into a toxic relationship, I don't think you're going to get many success stories.

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I married a girl because I was afraid of dying alone and had severe anxiety and people pleasing traits from childhood trauma. I should have ended it multiple times throughout the relationship but didn't because I was basically using taking care of her and my responsibility to her as an excuse not to kill myself. I eventually got help and realized how toxic and codependent the relationship was and how much of me was being buried under a mask and how badly that was feeding my depression and pursued divorce.

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Michael Largey

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We all die alone, really.

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I didn’t marry him because he was better than nothing, but I was really unsure. After 10 years of dating, he was so different from what I imagined I wanted, and had so many things I wasn’t wild about, that I was really reluctant to get married, but I knew the clock was ticking and I knew I didn’t want to break up.

And OMG did I make the right decision. What you want in someone you’re dating isn’t necessarily the same as what you want in a permanent roommate, other half, and coparent. I didn’t realize it then, but he’s absolutely perfect for me (even if he does annoy me sometimes). He’s not big on romantic gestures, but the way that man loads a dishwasher ranks him among the gods as far as I’m concerned. He’s loyal, he’s funny, he cares about what I think and want, he takes my advice seriously, he’s devoted to me but still has his own life. Major jackpot.

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RabidChild

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It seems, with societal expectations and being immersed in corporate "ideal" imaging, we adopt others' views of what a spouse should be without fully exploring and understanding our own individual priorities and ideals. At least, after reading all these posts that's the conclusion I've reached.

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Was married for 10yrs, got 2 kids out of it and some of the happiest years of my life. We both pretty much settled for each other. Eventually both concluded that we just weren't right for each other and cut it off but I don't have any regrets about it. Without her I definitely would have been one of the people out there that are forever alone. So I definitely would agree with the "better to have loved and lost" saying.

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Agamemnon O'Neill

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You are mature in a way I can only hope to be.

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Both had hit our early thirties and near-simultaneously moved into adjoining apartment buildings in a new town. Clocks were ticking. Sex on third date and very regularly thereafter, proposal on 1st year anniversary of first date (after essentially being told "s**t or get off the pot."). Warning sign: "I think you should cut your (finally long) hair for the wedding." Let redneck beauty shop in her hometown cut it, so I have a terrible haircut in wedding pictures.

Sex "surprisingly" almost immediately became contingent on whatever chores I needed to do.

Not load dishwasher the way she liked it? No nookie for you.

Still managed to have two kids, but by year 15 I was sleeping in the guest room, mostly because she snored and refused to do anything about it, and her morning routine of hitting the f*****g snooze button 8 times, and also because I found her sexually unappealing (I probably wasn't any better - we both let ourselves go, though I gained 25 pounds while she gained 100). Spent 10 years being roommates raising kids.

When they were old enough to be independent I moved out.

Should have done it a decade earlier and saved us all the trouble.

the_spinetingler , cottonbro studio Report

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Tamra

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Should have maybe not had kids with someone you were miserable with in the first place.

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I found out 5 years into my marriage that I was his "better than nothing" option. I filed for divorce 2 weeks later (cause it took me that long to come up with the filing fees.)

It was one of MANY issues in the marriage, but finding out he was telling people he only married me because he feared getting older alone while he was telling me I was The One (TM) f*****g STUNG.

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My sister married a guy who showed interest because she thought no one would love her as a teen mum. Welp she left him 2 years ago after 10 years together (married for 3) and she's STILL trying to get him to divorce her.

Never settle guys.

anon , Kristina Paukshtite Report

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zububonsai

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I found this difficult to read.

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A family member of mine from back in the times when women were extremely dependent on men (like isn’t allowed to work or open a bank account kind of dependent) was married and in a toxic relationship. It was violent. She met someone else and decided to get married to the other one. It was more a „better than beating each other up all the time“.

She brought 9 kids into this world, more than 15 grandkids followed. The majority of them is broken people.

Later on I heard stories about her second husband making inappropriate comments about his stepchild (girl). Super cringe. But explains why they are all not only very distanced to her but also extremely broken.

My learning from that is: don’t get married out of desperation! Get married because it is a choice FOR a marriage. Not against loneliness. That can go south big time.

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iBlank

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I feel so bad for the 9 (!!!) children that were born into that toxic situation. And then dragged from one abusive father to another... not sure how many were from each, but it's awful any way you slice it.

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Not great, she went from “we might have kids in a few years” to “I don’t want kids, ever”.

I wanted kids.

ouzo84 , cottonbro studio Report

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Kari Panda

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This is simply a thing that both partners MUST agree on. Having a kid when you didn’t want to or not having kids when you very much wanted to bring a misery that lasts your entire life.

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I’ve come to believe the majority of marriages are out of settling. My first marriage was a s**t show but I was naive and dumb and pressured into it. We had passion but zero compatibility. I left and was single for a long time until I met my now-husband. During that time I worked with a happy couple and saw what it’s supposed to be like. I looked for different things and told myself I wouldn’t continue dating someone if it wasn’t the way I felt it should be. My marriage now is a completely different thing. Easy, happy, relaxed. In five years we’ve never had a fight. We’ve had small disagreements but they’re squashed quickly. We just like each other and respect each other. If you asked me to name a negative thing about him I’d be pressed. I feel like I wasn’t truly compatible with anyone I dated in the past, or maybe I just wasn’t ready to seek the right things.

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Tara L.

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Glad you grew up

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I'm pretty sure that my wife and I were together at first for lack of better options, we were both older, and not finding many prospects. We've actually discussed it. A decade down the road and we're both truly happy. I'd fight a grizzly to keep her safe and happy, and she has proven her dedication to our life together in many, many ways. Was it love at first ? Probably not, but now it most definitely is.

I guess we were more compatible than we knew, and with respect and caring we both found how much love we could share.

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Rae Andringa

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Awww

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My mother-in-law was divorced with two very small kids, and then found an old man to marry so he could financially support her and the kids while she supported him physically (he was 20 years older and not in the best health) even though he had 4 adult kids. It was a marriage of convenience. She also had some weird ideas like after her divorce (he cheated and ran off, leaving her with the kids and no child support) she didn't want to date a man her age because she was paranoid that any man she dated would automatically be a child molester. (Yes, she believed this). So she married an old guy.


AAAAAnyway, they grew to love each other and she plans to be buried next to him when she passes. He died 20 years ago and is buried next to his first wife, who had pre-deceased him.


It worked out for them.


I also know a few friends with arranged marriages and most of them seem stable and loving.

On the flip side, I know a guy who's onto his 3rd marriage now, and a lot of second marriage people who married "for love", but apparently it didn't last.


I mean everyone is different. Some "settled" some didn't. It didn't seem to really affect the marriage as much as how things developed during the marriage.

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When my husband and I first met we got pregnant within 3 months of dating. We got married two years ago and just had another kiddo this year. We wouldn’t have stayed together if it wasn’t for the first kid, I can admit to that. I was 20 and he was 21 when our oldest was born. It was rough and we still have our bad days. With maturing as adults, parents, having open communication and cutting out the petty early, young relationship drama we’ve become a pretty good team and our kids have everything we never did growing up.

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I used to feel this way, turned out I had never been more wrong, 20 years later and life only seems to get better and better. I ended up feeling like the luckiest guy in the world. No regrets whatsoever. I think everyone goes through a time where they may feel that way, I always thought the grass was always greener on the other side but I have never been more wrong in my life.

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I wouldn't never call her my "better than nothing," but, when I was younger I would not have considered my wife marriage material. Now I know better - I was a massive moron. Trying relationships with people who are superficially good, but don't fit well with your life is a bad idea. In fact, I'm amazed I lucked out and picked the better option despite myself.

It is underappreciated by everyone that people need to learn both what they like and what works well for them. Giving people a chance is important to figure that out.

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There's a psychology theory that we marry people who align with a harmful pattern from our childhoods, and then we try to fix the harm. For example, a person who had a distant dad marries someone who is also distant, and tries hard to get the attention they craved as a kid. If they manage to fix that wound (go to counseling, partner becomes attentive), then they move on to the next wound. That's how people grow. This relates to your question in that when someone who is/was afraid of being alone settles, they are then able to either not be alone (stay married to someone who gives them some attention), or recognize and get over that fear by realizing being alone is better (divorce their partner.) If you look at it this way, it becomes more of a win/win - either way you grow, learn something, and move on to the next thing. In this framing, settling is a mark of maturity because we're looking honestly and choosing what actually suits what we need, while recognizing the faults as well.

I see that pattern in my own life if I squint. I come from a neglectful family with self-absorbed dad, so fell hard in love with a self-absorbed man with a narcissistic mother. Once we finally divorced, I was happier alone. Now I've "settled" for someone who pays attention to me and I trust will always be there, but it isn't mind-consuming like coupledom was in my 20s. I like this partnership and have moved on to working on different complaints...

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Sandella

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Wow, great insight, thank you!

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Tl;Dr resentment is growing.

My wife and I met at a young age. Looking back, our relationship didn't work at all but we both kept it going because we both didn't have many options, or so we thought. I was an overweight, shy and quiet person (think incel appearance but without the mindset, lol) and she grew up in an abusive household. This abuse would manifest as extreme anxiety and anger. I felt lucky to have anyone like me, let alone love me. She was scared of dating and she needed someone she felt safe around. We both got something we needed but it was a time bomb.

Many times, our relationship felt like it was ending but we both couldn't bring ourselves to end it. Lots of ups and downs.

We are in our mid thirties now and we have both changed dramatically. For me, I have matured and turned into a confident person. For her, child birth only worsened her mental and physical health. Everyday the divide between us grows. I care for her greatly but I feel as if I have outgrown this relationship while she becomes more emotionally abusive. We openly talk about divorce but worry about our child. I don't have much hope for the future of this relationship but I will continue to work on myself.

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Papa

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". . . but I will continue to work on myself." Sometimes that's all you can do.

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Will celebrate 49 years in May. Was not easy, but we worked though all the issues.

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Novadoe (She/They)

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Sweet <3

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