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“[Am I The Jerk] For Insisting We Get A Paternity Test Before I Sign The Birth Certificate?”
Interview With Expert
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All relationships, no matter what kind, require proper communication to work out. Yet, sometimes, even relationships with people with the best communication skills and tactics can still fail.
As an example, we can take the couple from today’s story. They were involved in ethical non-monogamy, which is based on mutual trust and consent. But when the woman got pregnant, it became clear that maybe their communication was not as good as they initially thought.
More info: Reddit
RELATED:
What is there to do when a partner you thought you communicated so well with refuses to realize the plan you once agreed on?
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Image credits: Chris L (not the actual photo)
A couple had an agreement that they were ethically non-monogamous, which worked well for both of them
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Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
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Image credits: Chokniti Khongchum (not the actual photo)
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Then, the woman got pregnant but refused to have a paternity test, which made the boyfriend say he wouldn’t sign the birth certificate without the proof it was his baby
The OP and his girlfriend practice ENM (ethical non-monogamy) or, as some might call it, consensual non-monogamy. This type of relationship happens when a couple isn’t being exclusive with each other, but they do this with open communication and each other’s consent, thus the ethical in the name.
To learn about this topic a little bit more, Bored Panda reached out to non-monogamy educator Ally Iseman. She revealed that, according to a number of recent studies based on data from the US Census, around 20-30% of the population either has been or is currently involved in a consensually non-monogamous relationship. So, it is not as rare as some might have thought.
As Ally said: “This means that no matter where you live, how old you are, your race or social, political, or religious leanings, or who you’re friends with, the likelihood is high that of your friends, neighbors, family, and coworkers, at least 1 in 5 of them have tried consensual non-monogamy!”
There are many ways ENM relationships can be realized, depending on what the couple wants. For instance, it can depend on what kind of relationships other people are engaged in — intimate, romantic, or mixed.
Generally, people choose ethical non-monogamy for several reasons that commonly arise from personal stuff. Some reasons can be:
- To fulfill needs that the main partner can’t meet;
- Simply wanting to have more than one person to be intimate with;
- To explore their sexuality.
Some think that non-monogamous relationships are cheating, but in reality, this is not the case. ENM is based on trust and communication about relations with other people, while cheating is a breach of trust and usually happens without the other side’s consent.
As the post’s OP said, this kind of relationship works for him and his girlfriend, who works at a huge construction project out of town, where she has multiple partners. Yet, after reading the full post, some people online started doubting how well this type of relationship is actually working for them. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
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Image credits: RDNE Stock project (not the actual photo)
Recently, the woman got pregnant. She says that she always uses protection, yet it is a commonly known fact that no birth control method is 100% effective, even if used correctly. So, if she did use protection all the time, she ended up in that small unlucky percentage.
Ally Iseman said that no matter what kind of relationship the couple is in, the law views financial responsibilities and custody according to genetic guidelines, which is the same for monogamous couples.
So, to make sure that he is the biological parent, the OP asked his girlfriend to get a paternity test. This can be done as early as the eighth week of pregnancy or postpartum. The author said that he asked for this test because, while he is excited about the baby, he doesn’t want to financially support a child who isn’t his.
Yet, the woman refused to take it, arguing that the original poster was really the father. Still, without proof, the man says he won’t sign the birth certificate and he will move out, likely ending the relationship.
Well, as we already mentioned, people online realized ENM wasn’t working for this couple because they ended up in such a situation that required a post on Reddit to ask who the jerk was.
And for many Redditors, the clear jerk of the situation wasn’t one specific person but rather the couple’s miscommunication toward the pregnancy situation. People were confused about how a couple who practices non-monogamy based on communication didn’t communicate what to do if the woman got pregnant.
To be fair, according to one of the comments the OP answered, they did communicate about that. He revealed that they planned to take a paternity test, and then, if he was the father, both of them would stop seeing other people and would focus on their family.
Well, clearly, the plan wasn’t realized, and the situation went rogue. Now, sadly, the relationship is on the verge of ending. Well, let’s hope they’ll be able to resolve the situation in a way that’s good for both of them and the baby. Or, maybe it’ll be a learning experience for them. Only time will tell.
Internet users were left confused about how an ethically non-monogamous couple didn’t discuss such a matter beforehand, but he revealed they did, but the girlfriend didn’t act on the prior agreement
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What do you think ?
Libstak 6 months ago (edited)
She clearly has her own doubts as she is refusing the test, she just expects him to play along. Sorry, but if both have agreed to allow multiple sexual encounters, a DNA test is a part of that agreement before trying to hold someone accountable as being the father. The whole nature of their relationship tells me they have zero issues in getting what suits each of them personally, she has no reason to be surprised or victimised by him making sure he is the father in this type of scenario.
Alexandra 6 months ago
Completely agree. You can't change the rules of the game mid-game, so to speak, just because the rules might not work out to your advantage. OP has every right to refuse to have anything to do with the child as long as he isn't sure it's his. I'm sorry for the child, but in this case the mother prevents the issue to be resolved one way or another. Just a side-note: they are not married, but it's 'just a long-term relationship'. I don't know, but the 'just' bit is a bit jarring.
Load More Replies...
Inés Olabarria Smith 6 months ago
Why is it that every time I read about open relationships it’s always messy?
Libstak 6 months ago (edited)
She clearly has her own doubts as she is refusing the test, she just expects him to play along. Sorry, but if both have agreed to allow multiple sexual encounters, a DNA test is a part of that agreement before trying to hold someone accountable as being the father. The whole nature of their relationship tells me they have zero issues in getting what suits each of them personally, she has no reason to be surprised or victimised by him making sure he is the father in this type of scenario.
Alexandra 6 months ago
Completely agree. You can't change the rules of the game mid-game, so to speak, just because the rules might not work out to your advantage. OP has every right to refuse to have anything to do with the child as long as he isn't sure it's his. I'm sorry for the child, but in this case the mother prevents the issue to be resolved one way or another. Just a side-note: they are not married, but it's 'just a long-term relationship'. I don't know, but the 'just' bit is a bit jarring.
Load More Replies... Inés Olabarria Smith 6 months ago
Why is it that every time I read about open relationships it’s always messy?
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