“Get A Lower-Paying Job”: 40 Times People Gave Ultimatums That Didn’t Work Out For Them
Interview With Expert
Once the honeymoon stage is long gone and you’ve entered the stable, possibly monotonous, era of your relationship, it might be time to consider whether you’re truly happy. You may love the comfortable and drama-free rhythm that you and your partner have gotten into, or there might be something eating away at you saying that a change is necessary. In that case, it might be time to consider an ultimatum.
People sometimes find ultimatums necessary to get engaged, get their partner to quit an unhealthy habit and more. But issuing one should not be taken lightly, as they always have the potential to blow up a relationship. Reddit users have been recalling ultimatums that were proposed in their previous relationships, so we’ve gathered some of their juiciest stories below. Enjoy scrolling through, and keep reading to find a conversation with London Celebrity Therapist Nia Williams from Miss Date Doctor!
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Was told it was him or my cat. He didn't like that my cat peed on his stuff when he made me cry. I still have the cat 12 years later and he's 3 months shy of being 20 😁 Also no more pee problems after I left sh*thead.
An ex fiancé said I had to get rid of my cat. My cat was semi-feral, but I had brought him back to good health after a bad injury in the wild. I think he had 4 surgeries, including one from when his left armpit had been torn open from hanging on a chain linked fence. I left my ex, and my cat lived an additional 14 years, eating gravy from a can every morning until he died age 18 this February. I have severe mental illness and he would always love bite my leg when I was manic talking and walking in circles, directing me to the couch so he could stick his butt in my face. He was a great friend and saved my life. I don’t regret my decision one bit. Love that sweet old cat.
An ex once told me that I needed to get a lower paying job so I made less than him or we were over as it was "wrong" for me to make more than the man in the relationship. I told him to have the life he deserved.
To learn more about issuing ultimatums in relationships, we reached out to London Celebrity Therapist Nia Williams at Miss Date Doctor. Nia was kind enough to share her thoughts on this topic with Bored Panda, noting that there are a variety of reasons why an ultimatum may be issued. But these reasons are "often rooted in a sense of urgency or desperation about a significant issue," the expert says.
"When a partner feels their emotional or practical needs are persistently unmet, they might issue an ultimatum to emphasize the importance of these needs," Nia shared. "Ongoing conflicts without resolution can [also] lead one partner to feel that an ultimatum is the only way to force change or decision-making."
She had a tendency to call me when I was out with my friends and would lose her s**t if I didn’t drop everything and go see her. Eventually, she said “it’s either me or your friends”.
My mate suddenly grabbed my phone, hung up on her and said “there, you’re welcome”. I agreed with their decision. My friends chose me and they’re still my friends over a decade later. I have no regrets.
I had an ex with whom I broke up in very bad terms. After a few months, started seeing someone else. Then, a mutual friend tipped me she was going through a major mental health crisis, and in a dire need of help. Said friend was herself effectively homeless, and couldn't really do anything. I, on the other hand, was doing okay. Or, at the very least, I had some funds I could use for an emergency.
As hurt as I was - I wasn't going to let her rot in the street. We came up with a plan to get my ex into rehab and psychiatric care. It wasn't cheap, but it was doable. She wouldn't see me, or even know I had anything to do with it. I told my new girlfriend about it, of course. Not just because she needed to know, but also... I was just concerned, stressed, upset, worried and sad. But also, yeah, she needed to know what was up.
My girlfriend was furious, and refused to hear anything about it. She insisted that me helping my ex in any way at all meant I wanted her back. No amount of explaining (No, I don't want her back. The whole point of the plan is that I don't have to interact with her. I just... Don't want her to be in danger, or to suffer) made any difference. Eventually, she gave me an ultimatum: unless I drop the whole thing, she's out.
I sent my ex to rehab. We never spoke. I regret nothing.
Wow. This is an earnest, caring good person. Having such people as friends (or apparently, even as ex-partner) is worth more than gold.
Came home from overseas and was basically a hermit. She tried for months to let her "get me" a dog. I finally said ok. She got a huge a*s dog. To my surprise, it helped me greatly. Fast forward a year, she doesn't want the dog on furniture, then she didn't want the dog in the bedroom, then she had me take the dog out the front door to walk around to the back (we had a backdoor), then she wanted the dog confined to the laundry room and the final thing she said was "It's either me or the dog" (We had been together for 11 years, married for 8. I said where are the boxes, I'll help you pack. The BEST part, I now live with my girlfriend and it's where that dog came from ;-).
Commitment issues and behavioral concerns can also lead to ultimatums. "In cases where one partner is hesitant to commit (e.g., moving in together, marriage), the other might use an ultimatum to push for a clear decision," the therapist says. "Issues such as addiction, infidelity, or other harmful behaviors can prompt ultimatums, as these behaviors often need immediate and significant change."
Finally, Nia says feeling stuck can be another culprit. "When one partner feels that the relationship is stagnant or that they're not being heard, an ultimatum might seem like the only way to catalyze change."
It was either I blindly accept the baby she was pregnant with was mine, or have her take a dna test and have her leave.
The DNA test confirmed... I was NOT the father.
Essentially he told me I could choose between him or what he called my “individuality” - ie if I stayed with him I couldn’t ever disagree with him or have an opinion different than his. By this point (6 months into our relationship) I had figured out he was a controlling, abusive a*****e with Narcissistic Personality Disorder so I broke up with him and ~15 years later I can easily say it was the best decision I’ve ever made.
I am and have been involved in community theatre for a very long time. Dated a guy for a year. He thought it took up too much of my life when he wanted us to be doing other things, (get married, have a baby.) So I got the “theatre or me” talk. Chose theatre, no regrets. He wasn’t totally wrong, I get those things were important to him. But I am not going to sacrifice a huge part of my life that fulfills me and makes me happy to do those things for him in his life. It would be a terrible start to a marriage. Where ever he is, hope he found what he was looking for. I’m still happy with the choice.
Nia told Bored Panda that issuing an ultimatum is generally not considered a healthy way to resolve relationship issues. "It often places undue pressure on the other partner and can create a dynamic of control rather than mutual understanding and compromise," she explained.
"However, there are scenarios where an ultimatum can lead to positive outcomes if handled with care and clear communication. If both partners are willing to engage in honest dialogue, an ultimatum can sometimes serve as a wake-up call, prompting serious conversations and necessary changes," Nia shared.
But more often than not, ultimatums can lead to resentment, increased tension, and even the end of the relationship, especially if the partner feels coerced or manipulated, the expert added.
My ex filed for divorce, and handed me the papers. He was mooching around the house (my dad gently told him to move out later) and whined, “You love that cat more than you love me.” and I said, “Yeah, my cat’s been with me for 13 years and isn’t filing for divorce.” Sheesh.
Posted this story a few times: Ex told me she had cancer. Wanted to know if I was willing to be with her 100%. Found out it was a test. She lied to me, and then I just had to give myself an ultimatum. Leave this beautiful, stunning woman who was richer than me, smarter than me, and be single, or be prepared to be unhappy. I picked to be single. I'm getting married in a few weeks to this beautiful girl I met. She makes my day everyday.
I gave my ex an ultimatum. she could either be my girlfriend and a mother to her daughter, or she could be her teenage daughters drinking buddy.
I left 5 years ago.
If you're considering issuing your partner an ultimatum, Nia says it's important to first evaluate the situation. "Consider if there are other ways to address the issue. Reflect on your own needs and whether they are being communicated effectively," she noted.
It's also wise to seek professional help. "Couples therapy or counseling can provide a safe space to discuss underlying issues with a neutral third party," the expert says. "If you decide to proceed with an ultimatum, be clear about your needs and the reasons behind them. Ensure it's delivered in a non-threatening manner."
We weren’t even dating just friends drifting towards more. I knew our political ideologies didn’t line up exactly but I didn’t realize just how much he hid his thoughts mostly opting to just change the subject. I thought he was just kind of in the middle and focused on what his parents always told him but open to other view points. Nope this man legit told me “you need to change your voter registration and political party” and that “the way I voted in the previous election meant I was a worse than scum and going to hell.” Noped right the f**k out.
She told me to grow with her in her relationship with Jesus christ and the Lord. She now has a child with a man she is not married to. How ironic.
I grew up in a tiny dead-end town in the American South. My high school girlfriend told me she wished I was a bum (her words) who wasn't going to go anywhere because she didn't see herself ever leaving. I was leaving the state to go to college. So it was either her in that dead-end town or a life out in who-knows-where. I couldn't get out of that place fast enough. She's still there three decades later.
You must also be prepared for any outcome if you go through with an ultimatum. "Understand that an ultimatum might lead to significant changes, including the potential end of the relationship. Be ready to accept the consequences," Nia warns.
And don't forget to consider alternatives. "Instead of ultimatums, try setting smaller, achievable goals and timelines to work on the issues together," the expert recommends. "Open and ongoing communication is often more effective than a single demand."
We had 2 healthy kids. 2nd one almost died in childbirth and it freaked me out. I said I wanted a vasectomy. She said it's a 3rd kid or divorce. I came from a broken family and couldn't leave my kids. We had a 3rd. It was huge and wrecked her pelvic floor and our finances which is what I was afraid of. So now we are broke, but we have 3 beautiful kids I adore. I love my wife, she is an amazing mother but I'll never love her as much as I used to, because now I know I'm expendable.
My high school GF and I were together for 3 years. Senior year and 2 years after high school. Well i guess we kind of great complacent in our relationship while going to college and working and she broke up with me. In her words it was basically a game to see if "I truly loved her". We still kind of hung out after that but nowhere near as much. Then I met my current wife of 5 years (together 9). Well when my ex found out she basically told me her plan about breaking up with me and was desperate to get back together officially. Nope I'm good, if it wasn't working before it's not going to magically work now. I found out years later that she had told people I cheated on her. We weren't even on a "break", we were broken up. I'm not one to sit around like a puppy dog waiting to be called a good boy for someone who broke up with me.
I was 17 my grandfather died and left me his 67 Camaro SS. I loved that car 3 years later at 20 my girlfriend said I was spending to much time with the car. It was summer so washing and waxing for us to take it cruising on the weekends.
So she said either I sell the car or I needed to leave. I asked if I had time to pack and she started throwing my stuff out the front door. Almost 20 years later I still have my Camaro my kids love it so maybe I’ll leave it to all of them. Figure they can fight to the death for it.
"Effective communication is a cornerstone of healthy relationships. Studies show that couples who engage in open, honest, and respectful dialogue are more likely to resolve conflicts successfully and maintain long-term satisfaction," Nia added.
And if you're having issues in your relationship, don't underestimate the effectiveness of therapy. "According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, approximately 75% of couples who go through therapy report improved relationships."
Meanwhile, an ultimatum can have a detrimental impact on a relationship. "Research indicates that while ultimatums can sometimes lead to immediate behavioral changes, they often fail to address the deeper issues, leading to recurring conflicts or eventual separation," Nia says.
Since I was a little kid I wanted to be in law enforcement and got a job with my dream agency out of college. I left after a few years to work in the family business, but eventually returned to law enforcement. Met a woman, fell in love, and got married. Ten months into the marriage she decided she couldn't be married to a cop, so I needed to quit and find a six figure job or she was going to leave. I'm on the verge of retiring and she moved back to her hometown and married..... another cop!!
Not wanting to be married to a cop might be acceptable, as it can be kind of dangerous job, and that fact might be stressful to a spouse... but all of that goes out the window when you mention that the reason is that he does not make enough money in that position. If you want more money there is only one route you can take, and that is to go make them yourself.
I'd just spent the last 5 years hoping and praying my fiance would beat cancer. She did. She was ~~finally out of remission~~ officially cancer-free. The coast was clear, our future brighter than ever. A few months later, she wrote me a long letter informing me that if I wasn't comfortable with her spending nights out with her boss going to dinners and/or movies, I did not understand love, and we should end things. She promised he was just like a sister to her and there was nothing to worry about. It turns out, there was. She was madly in love with him. Leaving her was one of the most heartbreaking and wise decisions I've ever made.
My wife (girlfriend at the time) said "I'm getting close to 30, and I want to have a kid before then. I want very badly for it to be with you. If that's not in your plans though, then there is no point in being together, because I will just end up resenting you for it". I chose to stay with her, and soon thereafter we started our little family. It was, by far, the best decision I ever made.
"While ultimatums can sometimes act as a catalyst for necessary change, they are often a sign of deeper issues in your relationship that require more sustainable solutions through communication, empathy, and professional support," Nia shared. "Prioritizing mutual respect and understanding over demands and pressures usually yields healthier and more lasting outcomes. Do not be too forceful and threatening with ultimatums you want a respectful and comfortable relationship."
Lol I was 19 and pledging a sorority, my boyfriend was 25 and super unhappy about the whole thing. I did not know/ realize he was emotionally abusive and he was legitimately getting upset that I had friends outside of him.
He called me right when he knew I had pledging stuff to do, it was literally on the schedule I shared with him. My 'big sister' decided to answer for me and he screamed at her until she gave me the phone.
He told me to pick my sorority big sister or him. I picked my big sister and I don't regret it one bit! Those ladies taught me so much about conflict resolution, emotional abuse, boundaries and so much more. He destroyed my PlayStation and all the stuff I left at his house but it was worth it, I dodged a bullet.
Ex boyfriend had a "girl best friend" who was constantly inappropriate and pushed boundaries. I tried to be the "cool" girlfriend who didn't care, but after a while it really got to me. I didn't want to give an ultimatum but after he would race out of my house in the middle of the night because she called him up crying, I had to. I didn't even say "me or her". It was "stop that s**t, or I'm out.". He told me he would ALWAYS pick her over me and that would never change. So I was out.
Happy ending, I met my wonderful husband a week later. My ex's girl best friend also wanted nothing to do with him as soon as he was single and dropped him and he came crawling back. I blocked him.
Ivet that situations like this can be sketchy but I had a male friend like this - we had the same s****y childhood and knew each other's family through growing up together. He was like the brother I should have had instead of the horrible one I got. He'd been the only constant throughout my life and my his. If he'd needed me in the middle of the night I would've gone over and vice versa. Nothing sexual just each other's family. I get that some people don't understand but everyone is different. He's my oldest friend and my only 'family' even if he's now lost his memory with early onset dementia.
My ex was so adamant that we had to move to Florida neverminding the fact I was gainfully employed in a very specific niche that doesn't exist that often so it would have been incredibly difficult to find a similar position. Not to mention they were unemployed.
Eventually she pulled the "I'm moving to Florida with or without you" So... I took the out and stayed in California.
She begged to come back a year later and had to take a job in Alaska since she had no income and needed something that would hire with a living quarter on site.
So she wanted to move to Florida (because reasons) and ended up in Alaska?! Talk about making a wrong turn at Albuquerque...
I have a friend doing this. It's her or his best friend, me. He chose her. Now he's broke because of her, miserable, does all the cooking and cleaning, pays for her dogs vet bills and care, all the rent etc. She demands two weekly date nights at fancy places. Sucks to suck man. I warned him.
This could be about my brother, except instead of his best friend it was all his friends and even his own family. At a certain point all they were doing was fighting, and she decided a child would fix things, and stopped taking the pill without telling him. Now she has their kids (twins) and the house my parents bought, and he’s dead - the stress literally lead to his death. She then moved her new partner in (a man she was having an affair with before my brother became ill, as we found out later) within 3 weeks of his funeral. I cannot stand the woman, but if my family doesn’t help her out financially she threatens to never let my parents see their grandchildren again. I’m not religious in the slightest, but somehow I hope there’s a special place in hell for people like this.
Friends or her. Usually an immediate red flag, I took it as such. Turns out she was right, few months later and I realized those guys were total a******s.
Had an ex that told me I had to choose between him and World of Warcraft. Shockingly I chose World of Warcraft.
A year later I got a job working AT Blizzard Entertainment, on WoW in QA. It kick started my game dev career. It’s now 16 years later, I work on one of the biggest games in the world, and am so damn happy I told him to go pound sand.
I think this is an understandable ultimatum. Some people are addicted to gaming. If you’re in a relationship with somebody and when they’re not working they are always playing games then you’re basically alone in a relationship. People can have interests but not if you don’t have time to spend with your partner.
The relationship ended as soon as the ultimatum was given. I had chosen to continue drinking and lying after being given so many chances. I wasn't about to stop after some ultimatum.
I love being sober now (6 years!) and not being a trash bag human being anymore. Betraying trust is such a s****y thing to do to another person.
I told my "ex" it was me or the d***s. 3 days later he killed himself. So. That happened.
Nothing, just broke up with them. The idea a woman could even imagine she had a chance to stay between me and my children is offensive.
I've had several men tell me they'd give up their kids for me - nope, who wants to be with anyone who could do that? Let alone be someone who demands it? Hard pass for me.
It was untreated alcoholism or me. I couldn't take it anymore, I'd started going to AlAnon meetings and was slowly resigning to the fact I really coudn't fix him. He had to want to change. He didn't. It was a LOT of things, really, but the drinking was killing me.
5 years later, he texts me every time he's about to break up with another boyfriend. Still drinking, lost, full of regret, but still stubbornly resistant to change.
He chose drinking. I moved out, moved cities, have a nice new life.
The thing with alcoholics is...no use giving them a ultimatum because they just lie and say they choose you but keep drinking behind your back.
Friend of mine not me but his gf complained he was "gaming too much". And he promised to change.
...Then Skyrim came out.
Boyfriend was living at home with his parents. We got together when he was 25. He smoked a lot of weed and had zero ambition. He got jobs only because I wrote resumes and networked on his behalf.
When he turned 29 I told him if we have not moved in together in our own space by the time he turned 30, I’m leaving the relationship because it’s going no where,
In 2015 he turned 30 in February.
Our relationship was going no where. He would be satisfied living with his hoarder parents together.
I left the relationship in August 2015.
Looking back on it, I know I shouldn’t have gotten in a relationship with him in the first place.
He wanted me to be an Air Force wife or he didn't see a future for us. I was barely halfway through college, and I had decided as a teenager that I didn't want to even consider getting married before I was 25. He broke up with me, and about a year later I met the man who is now my husband. That was 22 years ago. 🙂.
Him or my sister. Lol be for real.
I'd choose my bf over my sister anyday - he's not a mentally ill backstabbing train wreck.
"It's me or the music" when I had just started my first ever band a little over a year before. We had just recorded an album and were about to embark on a small pub tour during the summer. It was trash admittedly, but we had a blast, and it inspired me to get to where I am today. Turns out she put an ultimatum on me not just because of my time away, but because she was cheating with several guys. Now I'm living with my gf/soon to be wife working my dream job. I conduct a choir, play in several bands, write my own stuff, write arrangements for several bands and choirs, and teach a bit on the side. Last I heard, she's apparently made her passion her line of work, too. How the turn tables.
You’d think if she was having multiple affairs she’d encourage him to go on tour…? Or was she trying to make it clear for herself? Blaming his music for her having an affair? So many options.
My ex was the one who got the ultimatum. The ultimatum was that he had to stop talking to the last woman he'd cheated on me with or I was out. (He'd previously promised to stop talking to her but he never did.) When I learned he was still talking to her and gave the ultimatum, he pushed back and said he wasn't going to do that. I left him on ghost after that. Good riddance. Hope he's enjoyed his relationship with his "kindred spirit." Cheaters deserve each-other.
Seriously..... He was most likely still cheating and lying to his wife. Good riddance to the lying jerk.
She wanted me to move across the country.
We met on a summer-after-senior-year organized trip for 2 months, enjoyed each others company, but the logistics just didn’t work out. I could’ve taken 6-12 months off of college to transfer closer to her, but decided to go to my dream school and be closer to my family
Where I ended up meeting my now-wife and things have been pretty ok.
Found out she had an affair.
Said to her it's either her or marriage counselling for us.
Slowly getting into a relationship with a new lady, she made her choice 👌.
Forcing people into marriage counseling rarely work. Unless both parties actually want to be there, making progress will be very hard, since one of them is very likely to be like a closed book, and is only waiting for it to be overwith.
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My starting point is to never accept an ultimatum. Once they see it works, there will be more and there might just be no end in that.
My starting point is to never give an ultimatum 😂. If things are so bad you need to issue it, they might as well mend things alone.
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It wasn't exactly a flat out "it's me or them" ultimatum, but I could tell it was heading that way with my ex and choosing between him/his family and mine. Towards the end, he was very open about not liking my parents or my siblings. In some ways, he had his reasons; my siblings and I had some rough patches but I was always wanting for us to get better in our relationships, not go non-contact. Each holiday it turned into an argument about going to HIS family's celebration but not even visit mine. Through my first year of college, I realized that this wasn't going to change, there would always be a reason why his family was better and we should blow off mine. I'm so happy to now be married to someone who loves my family and is always good with us being with them.
Ex told me that he wanted to stay with me, but I'd have to go through my cancer journey alone and he didn't want to hear about it, because he ''had things to do''. Dumped him on the spot, right there in the oncology department. Moved 200 miles away back near where I'd moved from (moved for him, so we could get a place together). Beat cancer, and he tried to come crawling back. Laughed in his face. A very happy ending for me, although I've not been in a LTR since then
My starting point is to never accept an ultimatum. Once they see it works, there will be more and there might just be no end in that.
My starting point is to never give an ultimatum 😂. If things are so bad you need to issue it, they might as well mend things alone.
Load More Replies... It wasn't exactly a flat out "it's me or them" ultimatum, but I could tell it was heading that way with my ex and choosing between him/his family and mine. Towards the end, he was very open about not liking my parents or my siblings. In some ways, he had his reasons; my siblings and I had some rough patches but I was always wanting for us to get better in our relationships, not go non-contact. Each holiday it turned into an argument about going to HIS family's celebration but not even visit mine. Through my first year of college, I realized that this wasn't going to change, there would always be a reason why his family was better and we should blow off mine. I'm so happy to now be married to someone who loves my family and is always good with us being with them.
Ex told me that he wanted to stay with me, but I'd have to go through my cancer journey alone and he didn't want to hear about it, because he ''had things to do''. Dumped him on the spot, right there in the oncology department. Moved 200 miles away back near where I'd moved from (moved for him, so we could get a place together). Beat cancer, and he tried to come crawling back. Laughed in his face. A very happy ending for me, although I've not been in a LTR since then
