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Woman Lets Partner Move In With Her And Her Kids, Immediately Understands She Shouldn’t Have
Interview With Expert
Moving in with your partner is a big step in any relationship. It’s the merging of two lives into one household. And so, before making this huge step, people should think if they want that. But sometimes even that can’t prepare for what it’s actually like to live together.
This couple is an embodiment of that. They dated for almost 3 years, but the second after they moved in together, the woman understood what a mistake it was. Apparently, having a man in her space wasn’t something she wanted.
More info: Mumsnet
RELATED:
Moving in together is a huge step, and some couples realize they aren’t ready for it after it happens
Image credits: Liza Summer / Pexels (not the actual photo)
A couple dated for around 2.5 years, and it seemed sensible that they should live together, with the woman’s children
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The man quit his job and moved 100 miles to do that, as they thought it was worth it
Image credits: DC Studio / Freepik (not the actual photo)
But less than a week in, the woman started to feel claustrophobic in her home and annoyed with her boyfriend
Image credits: Karolina Kaboompics / Pexels (not the actual photo)
He was always in her personal space, she had no time for herself, and he even started parenting her children, even though they agreed he wouldn’t be doing that
Image credits: whatdidididido
So, the woman came to vent online about the fact that she’s almost sure she made a huge mistake
Back in 2014, the father of the OP’s children walked out. He left her with three children – a son and two daughters. Now, the woman has been dating a new man for around 2.5 years. Six months ago, they started discussing the idea of them living together.
Some argue that a couple should date for a time before moving in together. For instance, 18 months or so. During this time, the honeymoon phase should wear off and people will see each other for what they actually are.
At the same time, others say there’s no definitive period; rather, it’s when both parties are ready to do so. Like they’re committed to each other, are on the same page about current and future life, and so on. From what was written in the post, it seems that the OP and her boyfriend were ready to move in together.
Only there was one issue. The man lived 100 miles away. And so, he would have to leave the city, his job, and even his family to live with her. The woman couldn’t do so, as her children’s lives were where they lived. He deemed this relationship worth it, and he moved in. That’s where the trouble started.
Every little thing about her boyfriend started annoying the woman. In fact, not simply “annoying,” but enraging her. The OP started feeling claustrophobic in her own home, feeling like she had no place to relax. For example, she likes to sit on a 2-seater sofa and watch stuff on her laptop. But now the man keeps sitting nearby and watching the woman’s screen.
Additionally, while she works night shifts, he works during the day. And so, while she sleeps, he works, and when she wakes up, he’s back from work. This leaves her with no time for herself. Not even in her bedroom, which used to be her quiet space from her teenagers.
Bored Panda’s interviewee international relationship coach Teresha Young pointed out that having personal space and time is crucial for every relationship: “Respecting this need can prevent emotional burnout or resentment.” And so, seeing that the OP didn’t had a chance to have personal space and time, it’s no surprise she became annoyed.
Besides, since moving in, he never at least tried to tidy the home. Plus, he didn’t even pay the rent when he was supposed to. And his stuff is everywhere, just adding to the claustrophobic feeling. All of it is making the woman irrationally angry – he’s like someone who invaded her home.
Image credits: RDNE Stock project / Pexels (not the actual photo)
If all that wasn’t enough, he also started parenting the woman’s children. One day, they were getting ready to leave and he ordered the woman’s daughter to dry her hair in a very parental tone. This stumped both the teen and her mom. They had agreed beforehand he wouldn’t do that and his disregard was shocking.
Teresha said the discussions about parenting roles and blended family dynamics are important before moving in. But it’s also important to comply with these things you agree on, but the OP’s boyfriend didn’t do that.
So, with everything added, the woman thinks she made a huge mistake. He left everything behind to live with her, but now it’s not working out.
Apparently, it’s quite common to become irritated by your partner, especially if you spend a lot of close time together. It also can be a sign of some unresolved issues of any kind – financial or emotional, to name a few. All these annoyances must be communicated. If that isn’t done, it can snowball, which can doom the relationship.
Yet, it doesn’t seem that the woman communicated it with her boyfriend. Instead, she vented about it online, which on one hand can be a good way to properly work out your feelings. It’s a proven fact. Writing down your feelings can help to lower blood pressure, improve sleep, and lower stress levels.
Plus, when you do that online, you get advice from netizens. This vent is no different. And while quite often netizens can give poor advice, this time it seems that at least some of them were smart.
They said that the woman should communicate all her feelings with her boyfriend. Maybe they thought they were ready to live together but actually weren’t. Trying to “power through” isn’t the right way to be in a relationship – with time it will only get worse.
Our interviewee fully agreed with this sentiment: “Regular check-ins allow both partners and children to express how they’re feeling, ensuring that any issues are addressed early and to also celebrate all that has been working well.”
The update provided in the comments suggests that the relationship, or at least co-living, isn’t likely to continue anymore. So, what we can wish for both of them is to find someone who they can tolerate in a shared space. After all, life is already short, so we should all strive to live as happily as we can, right?
Folks online agreed that if she feels this way, they might have moved too fast and that she should communicate all of this with the boyfriend
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What do you think ?
JB 3 months ago (edited)
Seems neither of them really thought about the inevitable lifestyle changes that come when you move in together. But I’m generally more irritated by her than him. It’s been a week during which she has made no attempt to adjust. She’s mad at him for being in her personal space. Angry that when there’s no place for him in her perfectly ordered living room he goes to *her* bedroom. Annoyed at all the stuff he brought that they didn’t discuss in detail beforehand, what’s so hard about saying, “There isn’t room for all this in the home. We’ll try to fit what we can but you need to sell everything else.”? And the passive aggressive leaving his dirty dishes so he gets the hint? Use your words! He’s probably been living a bachelor lifestyle for years where that’s his normal, you actually need to talk about expectations. The main thing that annoyed me about him was jumping into the parenting situation because that seems to be the one thing they did discuss in detail and agreed he wouldn’t. FWIW I’m female. She’s a grown woman with teens who appears to have expected she could just stash her bf in a closet when she wasn’t interested in engaging with him. She thinks it’s 100% his responsibility to fit into her life, her home. That’s… not how a partnership works. I’m actually slightly concerned that he has altered some behaviour, he’s not gaming as much as he usually does. Not a psychological professional by any stretch but I feel that suggests he’s closing in on himself. He doesn’t feel welcome but he doesn’t know exactly why. He’s probably just as uncomfortable as she is.
Ms.GB 3 months ago (edited)
I can understand how she feels but as someone who knows that I need alone time I wouldn't have taken such a drastic step as to have someone move their entire life, move in with me and my 3 children without at least a trial period. Wouldn't you want to see how everyone gets along together, test out the new dynamic especially how a partner moving in is going to get along with the kids. People can make promises and set up boundaries and rules until they are blue in the face but there's only one way to find out if a living situation is going to work long term. You've to at least test things out short term before someone sells their home and relocates. It sounds pretty annoying but she really stepped in it.
Load More Replies...
Comment Deleted 3 months ago
I think this woman is not looking at how this man may be feeling. She asked him to share her home and make it their home but only if he stays out of her space and life and as she said many times HER HOME. He must feel like an intruder and an unwelcome guest. Shame on her.
ValdaDeDieu 3 months ago
It's this bad in the beginning; it's not going to get better; plus there are children in the equation. It's best for both of them to get him out now. She can bite the bullet and help him to move.
Load More Replies...
Apatheist Account2 3 months ago
It seems like she has too many boundaries and too much baggage. They need to communicate about what the other wants; but if she doesn't want him next to her, on the sofa or in bed, what is their relationship about? If she needs separate time, organise it. I generally have Saturday afternoon as "me" time (unless there's an emergency or health issue); they need to allocate "me" time and "them" time, if she wants to be a couple, but it doesn't sound as though she's that keen. She also needs to state house rules, and he needs to accommodate them (eg prompt washing up). Otherwise, forget it.
JB 3 months ago (edited)
Seems neither of them really thought about the inevitable lifestyle changes that come when you move in together. But I’m generally more irritated by her than him. It’s been a week during which she has made no attempt to adjust. She’s mad at him for being in her personal space. Angry that when there’s no place for him in her perfectly ordered living room he goes to *her* bedroom. Annoyed at all the stuff he brought that they didn’t discuss in detail beforehand, what’s so hard about saying, “There isn’t room for all this in the home. We’ll try to fit what we can but you need to sell everything else.”? And the passive aggressive leaving his dirty dishes so he gets the hint? Use your words! He’s probably been living a bachelor lifestyle for years where that’s his normal, you actually need to talk about expectations. The main thing that annoyed me about him was jumping into the parenting situation because that seems to be the one thing they did discuss in detail and agreed he wouldn’t. FWIW I’m female. She’s a grown woman with teens who appears to have expected she could just stash her bf in a closet when she wasn’t interested in engaging with him. She thinks it’s 100% his responsibility to fit into her life, her home. That’s… not how a partnership works. I’m actually slightly concerned that he has altered some behaviour, he’s not gaming as much as he usually does. Not a psychological professional by any stretch but I feel that suggests he’s closing in on himself. He doesn’t feel welcome but he doesn’t know exactly why. He’s probably just as uncomfortable as she is.
Ms.GB 3 months ago (edited)
I can understand how she feels but as someone who knows that I need alone time I wouldn't have taken such a drastic step as to have someone move their entire life, move in with me and my 3 children without at least a trial period. Wouldn't you want to see how everyone gets along together, test out the new dynamic especially how a partner moving in is going to get along with the kids. People can make promises and set up boundaries and rules until they are blue in the face but there's only one way to find out if a living situation is going to work long term. You've to at least test things out short term before someone sells their home and relocates. It sounds pretty annoying but she really stepped in it.
Load More Replies... Comment Deleted 3 months ago
I think this woman is not looking at how this man may be feeling. She asked him to share her home and make it their home but only if he stays out of her space and life and as she said many times HER HOME. He must feel like an intruder and an unwelcome guest. Shame on her.
ValdaDeDieu 3 months ago
It's this bad in the beginning; it's not going to get better; plus there are children in the equation. It's best for both of them to get him out now. She can bite the bullet and help him to move.
Load More Replies... Apatheist Account2 3 months ago
It seems like she has too many boundaries and too much baggage. They need to communicate about what the other wants; but if she doesn't want him next to her, on the sofa or in bed, what is their relationship about? If she needs separate time, organise it. I generally have Saturday afternoon as "me" time (unless there's an emergency or health issue); they need to allocate "me" time and "them" time, if she wants to be a couple, but it doesn't sound as though she's that keen. She also needs to state house rules, and he needs to accommodate them (eg prompt washing up). Otherwise, forget it.
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