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More and more often do we hear about childfree people who opt for life without kids for various different reasons. And while the societal pressure to have babies is still going strong, women have been more vocal about their life choices.
What we don’t hear that often is the other side of motherhood that challenges the accepted maternal response. But this is changing too, with more women than ever willing to open up about not being satisfied with motherhood in a way society expects them to. This doesn't mean it’s easy—far from that. Women who dare to challenge this explosive taboo and express their regrets are often called “selfish,” “whining,” and even “bad moms.”
“Mothers who regret having children, what made you realize it? And how are you coping?” someone recently asked a daring question on the Ask Women subreddit. It clearly hit a nerve for many women, who saw it as an opportunity to share their complex, yet very valid feelings about being a mom. The thread gives a much-needed perspective from women who question this decision that’s too often taken for granted in our society.
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#1
I love my daughter (7). She is the most precious thing in my life.
But in recent years I have started to regret having a child. Not because of her. She is the most easy going sweet little girl you could ever meet.
Actually I regret having children because of what’s going on in the world. I feel a SEVERE feeling of doom and anxiety when I think about her future. She will probably never be able to afford a house, will struggle with debt, climate change, scarce resources, growing inequality. I am truly terrified and I feel sooo sooo guilty.
If I was childless today I would 100% for sure not have any child now. Despite loving being a mother, the growing despair I see everyday and knowledge things will only get worse on the next 30 years make me regret having children. I love her with all my heart, and I am sad this is the future she will have. I am sad I placed her in this situation. I know many many of my friends with children feel the same.
In terms of coping I try and do my bit, to make society better for her generation, but I know it won’t be. I try and prepare her, support her by saving as much as I can for her (less than 30 GBP per month but ok, it’s all I can afford) to help her in future. To teach her about fairness and self reliance. But it’s a major stress in the back of my mind.
Pisco 2 years ago
I agree 100%. Life is very difficult for most people and our future does not look bright at all. Bringing a child to this world (and also contributing to overpopulation) is not an ethical thing to do. Instead people should adopt and foster, those children are already born and still need a loving family.
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#2
I’m not a good mother. I care about them but I don’t know how to raise them. They are raising themselves with me trying beside them. Generational trauma, insane pedofile bio dad/ex husband. I was too young and groomed.
I traumatized my kids by my ignorance and I can keep trying to learn and grow. And help them. But damage is done. And I wish I could go back and fix me so I could help them but I cant. I will alway support them and when they want to yell at me in 10 years for everything and shut me out. I will get it. Because yeah. F**k man. I’ll keep trying and I’ve had them in therapy. And I’m in therapy and I’m learning. But yeah. I was to young and didn’t know enough. I chose their sperm contributions badly.
Olga Posedaru 2 years ago
You were a victim, and it is not your fault that things turned out this way. I am proud of you for actively trying to make your children's lives better, so they don't suffer like you did! Hang on!
#3
I have two kids, well, now, they're legally adults but mentally they are still 2 years old. They are autistic, developmentally delayed, and have mental disorders to boot. I have gotten zero help from the state, trying to navigate this world is a nightmare. It doesn't help that the whole world is severely under prepared for an aging population, much less an aging disabled population.
I regretted having them the second I found out that they wouldn't be able to care for themselves. I'm so scared for the day that I will have to put them in a home of some sort, because the likelihood of being sexually abused goes up 7x. They won't understand why they can't be at home much less what is happening to them. If I could go back in time I would've never had kids.
None of us have any sort of life or friends. We just stay home everyday, each of us absorbed in the internet until we pass out and the next day starts again. It's horrible.
Bored Panda reached out to Corinne Maier, a French psychoanalyst, award-winning writer and the best-selling author of multiple books including her two famous ones that encouraged readers not to have children (“No Kids: 40 Good Reasons Not to Have Children”) and to unobtrusively slack off at their corporate job (“Hello Laziness“).
“I think many women regret having children. Not all the time but at least from time to time,” Maier told us. “It used to be my case. Now my children are grown-ups, what a relief!” The author added that “for years I had been looking forward to the moment they would leave the family house and be independent.”
#4
What made me regret it? Finding out that everything our society tells women about pregnancy, childbirth and the challenges of raising kids is either an outright lie or totally glossed over so as not to discourage women from having children.
I was shocked to find out how many people were also knowingly complicit: doctors, nurses, older women around me, obviously religious people and men. "Sshh, don't tell them, they might change their mind." Every step of the way has been/is difficult or had/has some heavy challenge associated with it. There are no full disclosures to potential parents, even though the same parents experience of it (and ability to adapt and cope) will directly affect the child.
When I reached out to others for advice, the typical response was "Welcome to my world." What?! Really? You say you love me, but didn't actually warn me how much damage my body and life would take? "Oh, that's normal." Really? I've never seen that discussed honestly and in-depth in any documentary, informational video, or any woman's magazine. At most there is one tiny story, surrounded by lots of messages about how great it will be. This pisses me off to no end.
So, if I could go back, I would not do it. And this is coming from a mom of wonderful child. A child whom I ***have*** warned: "Having a child might ruin your lfe. Don't do it!"
#5
My mental health, all my coping energy is spent on kids so my mh takes a back burner. I'm in therapy but I had them before I found out my struggles are asd/adhd related and will be lifelong. I still work every day to try to make life easier, but 1 one my boys is nonverbal autistic and one I'm sure has asd but on a similar level to me so it's harder than I ever pictured motherhood
dream of delusion 2 years ago (edited)
oh, that’s gotta be really hard. me and some of my other siblings are autistic, and some assortments of mental problems, but it doesn’t seem to affect my mother very badly. i hope OP will be able to get through this.
#6
I thought my kids would save my life. You hear those stories where your kids “give you a reason to love.” I love them whole heartedly and they are incredible. But I still wake up every morning wishing I didn’t wake up. No amount of therapy or medicine has ever changed my desire to no longer exist
Kanuli 2 years ago
No other person should/can long lasting do this. Only you can change. Only you can fill this hole. You should love yourself. I don’t know how, and I am still on this journey myself. But if you give away control of yourself (like making love of others a key part of your self esteem) you will never know whats coming, and in the end it might not go well. I believe as a stepping stone, mutually agreed (not parent-child, but friendship or partners) it can help you crawl out of the hole, but it should never be indefinitely, as it will either destroy you or the other person involved.
Maier recounted: “I had to push out of them who did not want to go away and I know all the tricks to get rid of big kids, I have written a book about that.” The author also said that “women pay a big price for raising children as far as money, career or freedom are concerned. Let’s not forget that they still do 70% of the housework.”
#7
I was a mother of three. The things that are often mentioned about lack of sleep, autonomy, money etc. are all valid. And they last much, much longer than you expect and they can drive you to near suicide at times. Especially when the second comes along and you're still not getting nearly enough sleep but now you have two on completely different schedules. But they do end, eventually.
But, and this is a big but, my biggest regret is my youngest, because she died at age 6. She had a brain tumour which made her blind and adversely affected her behaviour and she consumed my time and energy completely. Her loss nearly destroyed our family. I would not know the pain that I still feel if she had not been born, and I would not experience the guilt of feeling that things, on a practical level anyway, are now easier without her.
#8
As much as I don’t like admitting this, I regret having my second child (she’s currently 9 months). I love her little face and she can be the cutest, but I was free (my oldest is 15). I got to the point where I didn’t have to do much. My teen is independent and we were slowly transitioning to a friends(ish) type of relationship. Now, I’m starting back at the beginning and I’m all alone again, because my partner works so much. There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t say “I hate my life” at least once. The really sucky part is I’m about to go back to work, so on top of being the primary caregiver/homemaker, I’m going to work 40 hours a week. I’m 42 so I’ll be in my 50s before this one is truly independent. I’m trapped and there’s nothing I can do but grin and bear it, and hope I don’t have a nervous breakdown.
#9
I really do sometimes enjoy my son.
But, having him has tied me to an abuser for the next 14.5 years. He still gets to abuse me.
And sometimes I just need quiet time that I can’t get.
I can’t move. I have a relationship that’s long distance and I want to move in with him. I want to leave my state regardless.
But since I have this kid - I can’t.
Coping? I’m ignoring the problem and hoping I don’t come to resent my son.
Tigerpacingthecage 2 years ago
This one is hard. At least in my country children have a right to their parents (not the other way around though) so even if you leave your abusive partner you have to co-parent with them as long as they have custody or visitation. Many, especially women, struggle with these type of situations and many stay in an abusive relationship because at least they will be able to protect their children etc.
Moreover, Maier argues that society is very severe towards women who say they regret having children. “It is not something that is accepted. So nobody dares to say it. A lot of women even reject the thought - it is a shame not to be soooo happy all the time with your child.”
“Women are supposed to be delighted to give birth and take care of a small child, even if it is very boring, especially for educated and emancipated women who are used to doing interesting things in their lives (friends, culture, meaningful work...),” the psychoanalyst explained.
#10
I love my son, who is 4 next month. I love him so very much.
But I regret having him because I like sleep too much, and days like today where he wakes up at 4am and then doesn't sleep again until 8pm because he doesn't nap anymore... Days when all he does is scream and cry at me. He gets his impatience from me, his anger from me, his sensitivity from me, his attitude from me... He's a perfect reflection of myself and I HATE it. I had a confusing childhood when I was growing up, and it's mentally scarred me so badly that the only way I "remember' my childhood is from my mum telling me her memories of it.
Of course, he makes me laugh too! Children are the funniest people on the planet. He gives nice cuddles, he's sweet when he's not screaming, he's kind, he shares well, he kisses me on the cheek, comforts me when I'm sad...
But I regret having him because I am not going to be the mother he deserves, ever. I'm on anti-depressants but no amount of therapy can actually help me. I feel lost.
Winter 2 years ago
Therapy isn't there to "fix" you. It's there to help you navigate your complex self so you can "fix" yourSelf. And you can do it. The first step is to start believing that you can. Every time you have a negative thought that says "I can't,"... you override that with a thought that says, "I can". It takes perseverance... but, like anything, with practice...I think you'll find it get easier. And the negative thoughts become diminished.
#11
When my daughter turned 17 and stopped speaking to me I regretted putting her first her entire life. I think if I was wealthy she’d pretend to care about me now (she’s early 20s). But I’m not, so I’m worthless to her. I derailed my entire life for her. Her dad wanted to abort her and I made her entire life possible. And I thought I made it as good as I could. But whatever it was she needed was not something I could give, which isn’t her fault but her behavior now is. I don’t feel like I even got a chance with her.
I cope by thinking about her in the past tense, making peace with her being gone. Whoever she is now is a stranger to me. I haven’t seen her in years.
It’s not a good feeling. I have a step kid who still visits and my son loves me so I guess that’s a lot more than most people get and I value them so much. I try to focus on them.
Susie Elle 2 years ago
Genuine question, but I have trouble believing wealth is the only reason your daughter stopped talking to you. Not to be hurtful but what is her side of the story? What is her reason for cutting ties?
#12
I odd in that I have grandchildren without ever having had children. I married a woman with two grown children (17 & 21) and now I'm a grandfather of 3 granddaughters.
Witnessing what I have as a grandfather has made my decision to have a vasectomy at 27 the single best one of my entire life. I am waaaaay to selfish with my time and money, and it would have totally ruined my marriage to have kids of our own.
#13
I didn't realize that a maternal instinct is not universal. You know how you see parents in the delivery room and they are crying tears of joy? I felt nothing. Honestly, I could have left them at the hospital and it wouldn't have bothered me. I usually have no desire to spend time with them at all. I love them and have a strong sense of duty I just don't enjoy them or want to do any of the things they do. However I spent their whole lives going out of my way to care for them in every way a good mother should. My boys are well cared for and I am always here for them, but it feels very unnatural and fake and unenjoyable. It is a bit like a retail job you don't like where you put on a fake persona and slog through it the best you can. I don't get to leave this job, though. The worst is how I'm demonized for it. I've done eveverything I can for them for 16 years including all the extra curriculars (kids baseball is agonizing to fake enjoy I swear) and it has never been easy. Shouldn't I get more credit than those moms who love nothing more than spending time with their kids? That doesn't sound hard to me. Nope..I fail because I want my own life.
Jon Steensen 2 years ago
I wonder how that person's life is in other regards. Not feeling joy for your newborn baby could be symptom of a postpartum depression that was never discovered and treated. It happens if you are not very catious... If that person cannot feel much joy about other things that happens in life, but manages to do it anyway, it could be high functioning depression. Things may appear fine on the outside, however if you manage to "look under the hood" you will see a completely different picture, however people are rarely allowed to get that close.
We also spoke with a mother, u/zuklei, who shared her story in response to this thread. She wrote: “I really do sometimes enjoy my son. But, having him has tied me to an abuser for the next 14.5 years. He still gets to abuse me.” The woman told us that she still has PTSD from domestic violence and wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until 39.
“Having a child ties me to my abuser until the abuser dies, my son is 18, or I somehow convince the court that 50/50 isn’t best for my son,” she said. “I can’t unwind when I have my son. He’s sweet and lovable but I don’t want to be around him. He demands I play games with him and really, it’s just him ordering me around and treating me like his dad did,” the woman shared.
She added that sadly, she’s beginning to resent him for losing quiet time and for keeping her chained to his father. “I'm going to end up being a bad parent if I’m not already,” she concluded in a heartbreaking statement.
#14
I can pretty much echo everyone else's responses. It's even harder when you're a strong introvert. It's driven me into on again/off again depression. I've been on medication since our first one was born. The 2nd one was a stupid mistake (plan B also didn't work). I've since got a vasectomy, although I should've gotten one after the 1st was born. Stuck with an infant and a toddler now. I'm also a father who stays at home, so that comes with its own societal bullshit. I've been shopping at Target with my kid by myself and gotten comments like "It's just weird seeing a dad doing the shopping." Go f**k yourself.
Gin 2 years ago
See fathers out with their children all the time - in shops, playgrounds, at the sea, taking them to school and back. Seems weird that people think anything of it these days. I'm often chatting to parents because their little ones want to pet my dogs. These days I swear I see near enough equal numbers of mums to dads outside of working hours (more mums during Monday to Friday still but I do know a few SATDs). Never occurred to me that this was considered unusual anymore.
#15
Gave up my autonomy for the child, who grew up autistic and now has purged me from her life at age 25
InvincibleRodent 2 years ago
This one desperately needs more context. No adult child would suddenly cut ties with their family for no reason. There is always a reason, and being frugal with words while trying to get sympathy is absolutely a red flag.
Jon Steensen 2 years ago
...however those reasons can sometimes be really stupid. A young person may be cutting ties could e.g. be because she/he has a perception of that the mother doesn't understand her/him, when what is really going on is that she/he are planning of doing something really stupid and the mother is "blocking the way" by advising against it because she has been there and done that, and knows that it will end up ruining a life. It is really quite common that you see teenagers who thinks that there parent are hopeless and write them off, only to realise that the were in fact quite resonable once they have gotten their own expensive experiences.
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María Hermida 2 years ago
She didn't "decide" to grow up autistic to annoy you. She was born autistic, and it sounds as if you never accepted her as she was. I maybe wrong, but you sound bitter about her being autistic.
Cara G 2 years ago
Granted, this post seems deliberately vague and the wording absolutely hints of resentment. But she did not say that her daughter "decided" to grow up autistic.
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Pat Fisher 2 years ago
Plenty of autistic highly functioning people discard friends and family frequently for not doing everything their way.
temp tempy 3 months ago
yep it's a hassle but neither of you were owed "a life". give a hard look at those who demand you have such a child and when they demand you need to walk it or do better, ask them for their contribution. Not everyone gets to play on hard mode, so others can f-k off or back their requests with a real contribution. Their demands are only worth what their real contributions are matched with.
Birgit Soans 3 months ago
Why is it relevant that her child is autistic? Why is she saying it like it's a bad thing? And kids don't usually cut parents out of their life unless there is a serious reason so what was the reason?
Leesa DeAndrea 2 years ago
Sometimes there's just too much to put in words. If you started putting it all down it would turn into an essay several pages long. Plus some of it is just so gross & sordid & sad, it's not a burden you want to put on others.
#16
I regret being part of generational trauma where the hurts hang ups and hangups of one generation damage the next generation. I was damaged by my parents. I was not able to talk it out with my parents and feel forgiveness for them and move on. My hurts hang ups and habits caused me to pick a troubled husband with infertility issues. We had children after many trials and much expense and divorced when they were of age. . One grown child has several mental health issues, does not work, and is hard to talk to. I love that child deeply. The other grown child has detached from me and the other family members.i love that child so much. As a divorced woman I realized my regrets especially on holidays. My ex and I worked so hard and sacrificed so much so the kids could have love and braces and education, activities, health care and trips and all of it, but now I spend holidays alone. The kids don't seem happy. They don't want to get together with me. No one says I love you to me. No hugs or feelings like it was all worth it.
#17
Because kids aren't the life completer we believe they are. Actually they take away from your quality of life daily. My kids are 13 and 11 and they STILL mess up my daily life. Worst of all is I love them so much I couldn't do without them even though they disturb my peace all the time. I do not reccomend having children. Maybe one but not necessary. We perpetuate the species needlessly.
Aria Whitaker 2 years ago
Wow. This is an eye opener. It shows how personal some things are to people...and all advice may not be the right advice for every person. If I did not have kids and took this advice...my life would be SO different. I am 100% the total and complete opposite of this commenter. My kid has INCREASED the quality of my life so much, that no matter what they "messed up" in regards to life quality, it pales in comparison. I have learned so much from her and because of her and enjoyed it immensely. I would have experienced NONE of that if I had taken the advice of folks like this poster. She is not wrong, and her opinion is just as valid as any other mothers'...but it opened my eyes to how the same act can be so different and mean completely different things to various people.
#18
All you need is a special needs kid to think something along the lines of "I wouldn't want him to die or anything, but if I could go back to before he was conceived I'd do things differently."
High Mamii Melo 2 years ago
I’ve never understood why some people are against in utero genetic testing. Wouldn’t you want to know if you were likely going to have a special needs child so you can prepare or decide to abort?
#19
I have a preschooler.
Things I don’t like: can’t go anywhere alone. Can’t have quiet time to myself unless they’re sleeping. Always being touched. Always being asked to do things that they can’t do on their own. Having to do daily care tasks for them like bathing & making meals. Always worried they’re going to do something bad when I’m not looking & get hurt. Not being able to move because I don’t have family or friends to help. I only have their dad & his family.
Things I do like: their laugh. Cuddles at bed time. Experiencing their imagination. Sharing funny things together. Hearing about their day. Hugs. Teaching them how to be a good person. Imagining how they’ll be as they get older.
I regret having a kid and I realized it once I became single and had to do these things on my own. I couldn’t leave them with the dad anymore. I’m just waiting it out and hoping it gets better once they’re able to be home alone for a couple hours.
InvincibleRodent 2 years ago
"Always being touched" is a big one not many people mention. I'm sure it's incredibly exhausting and overstimulating when you're already tired, already stretched too thin, and the touches and attention this little person requires just keeps sending you into sensory overload. That's yet another one on my list of reasons why I won't have kids.
#20
I regret having my son more than I don’t. I love him. I want to not regret having him. However, I have anxiety, depression and ADHD. I cannot multitask, I don’t deal well with loud noises or lots of different noises at once, I’ve always struggled if I get less than 8 hours sleep, and I constantly second guess my decisions as a parent. I’m an exclusively single mother, so no back-up/second parent. I’m exhausted most days.
So how I cope- I’m in therapy weekly, I try to raise my son to be independent (instead of always reliant on me), I tell my son when I need quiet time and I try to take it maybe an hour a day on weekends. I have a babysitter come once a week so i have a night to myself. (I’m an introvert so I don’t need to always go out with others, but need time to myself.) My therapist mentioned focusing on little positive things. I struggle to understand the phrase “children are a blessing” so my therapist works with me on finding little moments that are positive and celebrating those instead of focusing on the overarching big negative things. I also try not to worry about the future (mine, my sons, how he will do in life) because focusing on this isn’t helpful. It isn’t perfect and every day is still hard, but I think I’m moving towards a happier place.
ETA: it’s probably also relevant that my work profession has one of the highest suicide rates and is also very mentally draining. I love what I do and feel that I am good at it, but it is grueling.
JaimeeJames WD 2 years ago
I’m sorry for what this poster is dealing with but so impressed with the coping skills and mitigations. This parent is absolutely killing it and should be so proud of how hard they are working to look after themselves and their child. Im sorry they’re struggling but this post is a great example of a self aware and caring parent.
#21
Honestly, I'm not a good mother. I'm not as abusive as my own, but I still didn't have the tools and knowledge needed to be a good parent. I was 16, and though I tried, I simply fell very short and became an alcoholic. My kids have dealt with a lot from me the past 3-4 years so I'm just trying to give them thier space and live their lives, while I continue to struggle with mine. I love them, they are incredible human beings, but if I'd been older maybe I'd have done better. I can't remove the trauma I've inflicted on them, but hopefully I can stop making it. I fear so much them having their own (all cis daughter's, as far as I know.) Will I also be a disappointment as a grandmother? Will they let me in my grandchildren's lives? Do I want to be? As well as the anxiety I have as a millennial? Is it even wise for them to have children? Wait do they thank that and then wont? Will there even be a future for them? My girls have all made it to "adulthood" without becoming pregnant, and I'm morbidly proud of that. First generation non teen moms. Sorry this question triggered me a bit, I miss them on this holiday, and I've been drinking. But that's the truth, I regret so much, but not their existence.
Edit, cause...
#22
I wasn't ready to stop being selfish. I'm only two years in so it's still the intense stage, but parenting so far has just been relentlessly exhausting. I feel like having a kid closed off a lot of possibilities for me, definitely killed any semblance of spontaneity in my life.
Jodie Davies 2 years ago
Mines nearly 7 and it gets so much better. I’m obsessed with him and miss him when he’s at school. On the flip side. So much talking.
#23
Two friends of mine had a kid together. This is exactly what they told me. Nothing spontanious happens anymore, everything has to be planned and as a result of that, they are never invited to anything anymore, because they cant come anyway. Now that I type this I realise I am having a BBQ with my (other) friends tonight and didnt even bother to invite them (out of politness) because I know they cant make it anyway
Rahul Pawa 2 years ago
I don't think that it's polite to exclude them on the presumption that they can't make it.
#24
I had a miscarriage after an accidental pregnancy at 16 and was so depressed for a year, me and my boyfriend (at the time, now husband) decided to try for another one. I am still thinking wtf was I thinking!? I love love love my son (now 5) and my daughter who’s turning 2 in the summer but oh my god I should have waited. I missed out on a lot and my teenage brain thought it would be easy or something. In the back of my mind I knew it would be hard but I thought it couldn’t be that hard. I also struggle with many mental health issues which do not help; anxiety, depression, ptsd, add, autism and so it is a struggle!! Especially with very active kids I would love to just sleep all day again like the summer when I was 15, it was probably the last time I was mostly mentally ok and felt free. I still dream about it a lot, I think it may be an escape from the stress and guilt of having my babies before I was ready to be a mama. I still try my hardest to give them a better childhood than I had though. Also I was 115 pounds when I got pregnant with my first after my second I am now 201 and it’s so uncomfortable and makes me not want to leave my house. I’ve always been able to lose weight quick but something about my second pregnancy made my body stop losing weight. I still do everything I did before she was born and it feels impossible. There should be better sex Ed in America.
Deb Dedon 2 years ago
There was better sex ed in America and there can be again. Don't wait for politicians (from school boards to legislatures) to make this possible. Give yourself a purpose for the future - educating other adolescent, young and dreamy women about reality. In the USofA, women must once again rise up and, not only demand better education and care, but provide it!
#25
Destroyed marriage via:
Forget passionate love make (it becomes a chore) when kids start walking
The things you did together, you can no longer do, together, or very rarely
The things you enjoyed individually, can not be replicated either
Forget unwind time, personal space, etc...
Over years people change, and nothing accelerates change as having another depend being (or three).
That's for the marriage bit.
Then there's work/life balance which goes out the f**king door. The stress at work, and the increasing stress of job market, you do not have the luxury of coming come to dissipate. What happens is that you come home after a nasty, stressful day, and the stress is COMPOUNDED with home/kids problems. Have that for years...
I love my kids, I'd STILL have them, but there are sacrifices people are not prepared for. I've seen marriages destroyed, homes destroyed, I've seen mental breakdowns, drugs usage, etc...
Chucky Cheezburger 2 years ago
Yeah, kids don't necessarily make a marriage stronger. The roughest patch that my wife and I had was after our son was born.
#26
I love my daughter so much.
But I'm not a good mother. I have so many of my own problems -- fibromyalgia, C-PTSD, can barely work, no degree and certainly no real career -- and she has so many of her own -- ADHD and oppositional defiance disorder, and probably autism too -- that raising her is so very difficult. I'm at my wit's end just trying to do baseline stuff, like work and clean the house and cook, and then add on all of our appointments and the fact that just talking to her can be an ordeal, never mind parenting her.
I have no idea how I can raise her to be a functioning adult, and let alone survive raising her. This week itself has already been a nightmare, an utter, utter nightmare. My depression and anxiety have gotten severe again, so much that my s*icid*l ideation is back (I was discharged from therapy in 2020 because I was coping so well, and now I'm not again).
That's not even counting the fact that it's a terrible time in history to have kids. I don't even know what her world is going to look like when she graduates from high school in ten years.
I love kids and babies, and I wanted a big family. I'm dying on the inside that my brother is having a baby with his wife and I shouldn't/won't/can't have one with my fiance (not my daughter's bio dad, which was an abusive POS). I'm grieving over what life has taken from me in so many ways, and I'm just struggling to survive at this point.
*sighs*
Jon Steensen 2 years ago
mental illness runs in fammilies. So if you have some kind of mental illness that you are suffering from, why would you force the same kind of suffering onto another human being, and having to cope with double the trouble? I think the world would be a better place if more people did some critical evaluation of exactly what it would be that they are creating, before breeding. We do not breed on the worst performing animals, and the same should to some extend also go for humans, where we should not let our own selfish needs should not trumph the wellbeing of another person we can create and form. (said by er person who has chosen to remain childless as he has deemed his own genes unsuitable for propergation)
#27
My daughter was born mentally disabled. I alway tell myself it could be worse, that there are kids who just shake back and forth in wheelchairs... thing is she is happy now but has no concept of death and I can only imagine what it will be like when her mother and I are gone. She will be institutialized and abused probably.
Dilly Millandry 2 years ago (edited)
Ideally you should sort out the home she'll need before you both die. Don't let it happen to her after the last one of you dies. Do it early enough and gradually so she gets used to it. Prevents it being so much more of a shock when she loses her parents and gets placed in a home. Also then you can monitor and make sure she is happy. Appoint guardians who will do this after your death if you can.
#28
I am struggling with constant anxiety and stress from work spilling over into my few hours at home and making us all miserable. My boys are at the age where they are ruining EVERYTHING in the house I rent. It’s going to cost me thousands to repair it before we move.
We don’t struggle for money, but only because I work constantly. I put way to much responsibility on my oldest daughter despite having a full time nanny. I feel like I’m losing control of everything, and a deep depression is setting in. Constantly fighting thoughts of just giving up.
Dilly Millandry 2 years ago (edited)
"Boys at an age where they are ruining everything" - sounds more like can't cope with parenting them and putting in the time and effort required to stop it (working full time makes that hard!). Children can be destructive but you can't just let them get on with it unfortunately. Though you have a full time nanny as well? Why aren't they stopping it? Clearly she needs help with the depression and maybe a tougher nanny!! Feel sorry for the oldest daughter as well.
#29
They spend all your resources. Eat all your food. Loud as f**k all the time. Having a child costs a lot of money. You can't just do what you want anymore, you need permission from who ever is going to watch your child.
Marjolein Gorter 2 years ago
Sounds like you didn't overthink having a kid AT ALL! Don't blame a kid for having to eat and needing a bit of attention....
#30
My life turned into a living hell when my oldest son was a teenager. He started using drugs at 14, he was arrested for breaking into cars at around the same age. Things continued to escalate and we had no control of him, we tried everything. He continued to use drugs, he sold drugs. The state of Florida has a law that the parents are responsible for the minor until the age of 18. He could not be emancipated because he was not financially independent and we couldn't afford to support him outside of our home. So we were forced to keep him in our home. It was 4 years of living hell, I had 2 breakdowns and our marriage was torn apart. He was a good kid until age 14, smart in school, and neither my husband nor I used drugs. There's no guarantee how your kid will turn out.
What do you think ?
RP 2 years ago
So many of these are structural issues not personal ones. It's basics too: free childcare, living wage, access to abortion, decent parental leave, education and disabilities' funding. These are the basics that a society needs to offer ffs.
JJ 2 years ago
I agree. Also I think society and structure should be less about telling women what's right or wrong if it comes to (not) wanting and (not) having children and more to support each other, nevermind what they chose or deal with. Where I live, it's a lot about "You're female, get pregnant", but also parents are let down who really struggle. It often takes other people to notice (e.g. teachers), before they get help. (Child protective services are actually really good and helpful but people think they're just there to take your child away.)
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Lakota Wolf 2 years ago
I’m sure I’ll get ripped to shreds for this, but some of these stories disgust me. I mean the ones where the common theme is “I don’t get to go out and do what I want to any more!!” No, you don’t. You chose to have kids. However - I know some states/countries don’t allow abortions, and it’s sometimes hard to resist pressure from family/your significant other. But it’s just sometimes shocking to read someone say “I never wanted kids, now I have 3 and I regret having them.” I can assure everyone that kids SENSE that. They feel those emotions and regrets radiating off of the parent even if the parent tries to hide it. And it’s incredibly damaging to the child. Kids know when you’re pissed that you can’t go on vacations and take lots of photos to post to Facebook and Instagram “like all of your friends do”. They don’t know that literally or specifically, but they start to think and get the feeling that Mommy/Daddy doesn’t like them. I’ve lived as that kid for 40 years. And I’m ADOPTED.
Fiona C 2 years ago
I couldn't finish reading them all because most of them were pathetic to me. It's not a child's job to fulfill all your hopes and dreams or make you feel good, its your job to take care of the child. Some of these people very clearly did not think it through properly at all.
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Scarlett 2 years ago
Yeah, screw that. I do not want children. My parents are messed up and I carry that trauma. I would make a terrible mother and I will not pass it down. I would rather get an abortion then put a child through my depressed, ADHD, and quick tempered self.
Seabeast 2 years ago
Same. I have never regretted my choice to not be a mother. I'd be terrible at it.
Load More Replies... Curry on... 2 years ago
I have sympathy for the parents whose children have mental or physical problems. But some of these others just seem like whiners. It's like they had some unreal romantic expectations about raising a whole human being, and then reality set in. Or they're just selfish and a little lazy.
Troux 2 years ago
I think a lot of this is cultural differences. Western culture preaches freedom, independence, and entrepreneurship as absolute paragons of living, but doesn't mention that things like community, family cohesion, and parenthood lose out as a result. It's taken for granted that you can just insert a relationship or family at any point in your life, when tradition has always held that these things take time and work that begins in your 20's. I think the tradeoff needs to be more openly discussed, rather than the 'you can do anything you want' dream of infinity that keeps getting spread.
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Tigerpacingthecage 2 years ago
I think it's really important to break the illusion that children "complete you" in any way. Or that it's the "meaning of life". I have 3 kids (9yrs, 8yrs and (almost) 1yr). They are awesome but I must say I didn't know how much of your life you are "supposed" to sacrifice to have them. Your relationship will be on hold when they are young so your sex life is c**p but you are often "trapped" with your partner anyway, you can't do what you want without thinking of the children first, you have to have a job that goes together with childcare available, everything is expensive, housework never ending etc etc. I absolutely don't regret my kids though and personally think they are worth it, but wow, they take so much away from you and I think we need to highlight that and not "everyone should have kids" or "your relationship will be better with children" (no! NEVER).It is totally fine to not want all that extra work, even if you are in a relationship or married.
Mir Adwari 2 years ago
I think you make very valid points. The messages about parenthood can be misleading - all of the love and fun and not enough about the daily grind. Parents talk about how hard it is and then go 'oh but it was life changing and they do love you' as though they fear saying anything else will make them look bad. No, be honest about how tough it is. Don't backtrack and waffle on about love instead when asked (what I've mostly seen). A friend of mine regrets her choice to have a child. She loves him VERY much indeed and is a good mum but she had no idea what it would be like. She just saw 'cute baby = happy mum' in the media. A world that is often portrayed as serene, white fluffy blankets and happy playing babies. Not lots of screaming, no sleep, the impact on health through each stage, the work, the constant demands etc. They get a mention but not the focus. We should be much clearer eyed and less sentimental about it all and not criticise those who decide it isn't for them.
Load More Replies... Seabeast 2 years ago
I decided early in life I didn't want children because I didn't think I'd be a good mother. I mentioned this to a guy I met in my early 20s and he chirped "You don't know unless you try!" My reply was "Well, that's just it - you *don't* know until you've already had a kid. If it turns out you aren't a good mother, there is no sending them back." He looked gobsmacked, I don't think he'd ever considered that.
Zoe's Mom 2 years ago
I never wanted children, and I know that I would have resented the child IF I did have one. I have no regrets and although many of these reads are heartbreaking, it's true that NO ONE prepares you for parenthood. One should never have a child simply because of the pressures from family or friends..or to think it will save a marriage. IT'S HARD WORK and your time is no longer yours. How do I know: I took in my nephews after turning in my sister to CPS. The hardest 2 years of my life and I hated it but I would do it again to stop them from going into foster care. Not to offend anyone, but if you are thinking of having kids, foster a dog and you'll see somewhat the time commitment and how you have to plan EVERYTHING around a child/dog. And don't be fooled; everyone who said they would help all of a sudden have plans. I have a dog and the hardest thing is trying to find someone to watch her while I'm on vacation. She hates shelters because she feels she is being left .. again.
Jackie Lulu 2 years ago
I do regret that I was the kind of person who didn't want children , not that I regret not having them.
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bv7hearts 2 years ago
Whenever someone asks me why I am 40 and childfree, I'm going to just link this post.
Jackie Lulu 2 years ago
We should not be here to judge! You don't know what it's like for some of these people. Don't say, Well, it's been a joy for me, so why not for you? Everyone is different and everyone draws a different straw in life, and you just don't know what it's like for another.. so just stop it.
OmMarol 2 years ago
society needs to stop putting pressure on people, particularly women, to become parents. Not everyone is meant to be a parent, and there's more to this life than just procreating. We should start normalizing other kind of families or roles, like uncles and aunts that help to raise their nephews or nieces, like a second parent that helps the siblings when and IF they need them, without the full responsibility of being the actual parent of the kids. Or simply stop thinking about raising kids as a goal in everyone's lives. There's already too many people in this world, is not like we're in need to "preserve our species".
Friend Kelli 2 years ago
Yeah, this one's tough. The problem is you don't know if you're going to be good at parenting until it happens and then you're stuck. I'll tell you one thing, having kids didn't get or keep me sober.
Carrie Laughs 2 years ago
It can actually make a person less likely to be sober - it's really hard work. You can't know for sure, true, but sharing these stories might make some think again and that's only a good thing. Let's not condemn those for being honest about it when they were asked. Stop assuming also that it means they weren't a good parent - I've seen parents who adore their children who were simply awful at it. There are extremes at either end and a mix in the middle where most of us muddle on and do a reasonable job! Hope you are in a good place now.
Load More Replies... Bob Stuart 2 years ago
I knew that my mother didn't love anybody, and needed her space. I decided to not have kids until I could support them without depleting their natural inheritance. Now I'm sad that I couldn't save the world, but glad I have no kids in it.
marianne eliza 2 years ago
I hope everyone of these parents tells every teen and preteen they know about this. Maybe prevent some teen mothers and fathers.
Valerie Smart 2 years ago
Couldn’t finish. Stopped after i think the third one . Bring on the cats and dogs and happy s**t. Wtf.
Kanuli 2 years ago
I feel like some could have seen that coming? Like did it just happen? Do they not think ahead what might change, and also how stable the partnership was (a bunch are single it seems). Some others I just feel sad for. Being trapped, especially when it’s due to society’s missing support, must be crippling. And it’s most likely a viscous circle too.
Tigerpacingthecage 2 years ago
Nothing really prepare you for parenthood. Sure, you can imagine it being much work but you can't even guess HOW much or how it will impact everything. The way you see yourself, your body, your relationship (even if it was a good one pre kids), your work and yeah - your entire life. I absolutely understand why people feel like that wasn't what they signed up for and "just happened" and it's healthy to express those feelings. In most cases that doesn't mean they love their kids any less.
Load More Replies... Monica Pryts 2 years ago (edited)
No wonder some of these kids cut of off contact. They know they're not wanted.
Rens 2 years ago
I grew up in an abusive household; I have Asperger's, ADD, anxiety, depression; I've suffered from CFS/ME my whole adult life. I've been in therapy half my life since I was 12 years old. I never EVER regretted having my daughter. I've lived in 4 different countries, with little to no support from family/friends, services etc. I was lucky enough to be a SAHM, but my (ex) husband was financially, emotionally and sexually abusive (withholding affection is abuse too). He was a good dad but he was, and still is, totally f****d up by his parents/upbringing. My daughter was this perfect little piece I was missing. Having her never stopped me from doing anything, even though her birth nearly killed me and has had serious repercussions that I'm still dealing with 21 years later. Her father and I finally split up when she was 11, I couldn't live another second in a loveless marriage. Things didn't work out the way I imagined they would, but 10 years and many upheavals later, things are settled. I wouldn't have changed anything except for never marrying my husband - red flags were there right from the start.
JustAnother Soul 2 years ago (edited)
Becoming a parent should be taken very very seriously. It should never be entered into lightly. It is a huge task that few can cope with and are prepared for. It is a huge burden. It is also a joy and it is a sacrifice. It takes a village to raise a child. You cannot do it alone or without help from within your family or community or without the support of society.
Disgruntled Panda 2 years ago
I'm probably going to get downvoted for this a lot, but why did so many of these poster even have children? Did they feel like they had to from a societal or family point of view? I'm not saying this to be nasty, I just wish people would make sure they're ok first, how else is your kid going to end up ok 😕
Carrie Laughs 2 years ago
Lack of realisation. Look at how many are being condemned for their honesty here? If those people had read these stories first then perhaps they'd not have had children. Even when we get told of the tiredness, the struggles it's always couched in terms to make it sound worth it in the end. The reality is that it won't be for some people. Women get a lot of pressure to have children. Many almost sleepwalk into it as it's 'what you do'. If we don't read the truly honest feelings of those who regret it how can we ever know that this might happen? That it might be us who feel like that? Some are judging those for moaning about not having free time to be spontaneous. Well, a LOT don't realise that will happen. It doesn't click until too late. Instead of condemning let's shout it from the rooftops and make it clear. Then those who have children will, hopefully, have gone into it with their eyes wider open and truly happy with their choice.
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DeLana Prosperie 3 months ago
What I gather from this article is there is a lot of mental illness in society and God help us all if these individuals are procreating. Don't have kids if you have some sort of mental illness. Yes children are a LOT. And they need a LOT. I will be the first to agree with that having 2 children from different fathers and going through 2 divorces. I don't regret having either one of them. Get yourself together or don't have children.
DeLana Prosperie 3 months ago
Honest to God this is depressing as hell, and from what I can see it's also a lot of mental illness on the part of the parents. Dont' have kids if you have mental illness is what I get from this article. God help us all.
Tina Bremer 3 months ago (edited)
I had a son when I was 22 years old. I NEVER wanted children, I was / am too selfish. I knew this about myself which is why I was on birth control. But it's not 100% effective and my son is a pill baby. My significant other was not a bad guy but definitely not ready to be a father so I made the decision to do it on my own. I was EXTREMELY lucky to have a mother who was there for me. I moved back home and we raised him together. I was fortunate she allowed me to still have selfish moments. I love my son more than anything else and he's the most important person in my life. My son is now an adult and we have a very close relationship. But I can't help but wonder if things would be the same if I didn't have my mothers support.
Renee Horvath 3 months ago
The problem is society has always made people (especially women) think that having kids is something you must do as an adult. No one tells you the downside or how damn hard it is, everyone thinks you should just suck it up because “that’s how it is.” Parenting is SO F***IN HARD and can literally suck the life out of you, your wants, desires and former personality disappear. I think people need to be told the truth about having kids starting at 13 years old, instead of just expecting people to just suck it up. Tell them how your money, your beauty sleep, your free time, your hobbies and your soul are crushed.
Coffeemama05 11 months ago
I do not regret my children. I wanted to be a mom so bad, it was the biggest accomplishment. I only regret who I had them with. I can’t change the past. I’m not going to treat them horribly because of my poor decisions when I was younger. My kids are great kids. They like the same stuff I do and they’re easy going and smart. They don’t get into trouble besides the minor little stuff. They listen to me and have been on a good path that will help build them a rock solid future and I know it was because of me
alithenewmc 2 years ago
Number 1 is the only one that resonates with me. Ever since I can remember, I've wanted to be a mom to 2 before turning 30. And I got my dream- 2 boys before age 30, who are turning into wonderful, smart, kind people. I prepared throughout my teenage years to be a mother; I studied child psychology and teaching techniques for fun, taught piano to others' kids and babysat, did first aid courses, learned how to bake the best cookies...we do crafts and science experiments and go on "night walks" where they pretend to be arctic explorers searching for tracks, and I love every minute of it. But their futures are looking grim, and I grieve for them. I've had to stop reading the news around climate change because it was causing me so much anxiety for them that I was having panic attacks. If I were to be childless right now, I think I'd stay that way, as much as it would hurt me. I can only hope society figures its sh*t out.
Igetsurgical 2 years ago
I had a son at 17. Definitely not easy. He's a great man we're so proud of him. My youngest 12 is special needs. That was real hard for us in the beginning. Raising kids has been one of the hardest jobs one can do. No regrets. I love my kids.
Isaac Harvey 2 years ago
Let's just say... I have psoriasis from a little after I was born, childhood brain cancer from 2 weeks before my tenth birthday in September 2013, and epilepsy from when I was 16, in May 2020. I need MRIs every 6 months for my tumor and I need to take two medicines, keppra and lamictal, every 12 hours for my epilepsy. And on top of all that, I live in the (un-)United States.
ZenChickChristine 2 years ago
I struggled through three increasingly difficult miscarriages. It gutted me but in retrospect I am grateful that I didn’t pass my trauma on to children of my own. I do have stepdaughters, but they’re adults. One refuses to speak with me because I don’t allow any drugs or alcohol in my home (that might sound militant but it’s because I’m in recovery, not because I want to control what she chooses to do). They have reinforced the good that came out of me not being a mother. The girls only reach out to their father when they want something. Unlike me he is strong at setting boundaries and doesn’t bend over backwards to win their approval. Having kids is not for the codependent.
LynzCatastrophe 2 years ago
I don't have kids because I know I'd be a crappy mother. I have zero skills, not even enough to babysit my nephew. I admit to being a selfish person jerk. My career may have derailed lately due to a recent disability, buy my husband makes good money. It took us over a decade of struggling and paycheck to paycheck to get a savings account with money in it. I'm not giving it up now. We can finally afford to go on vacations. I also like my free time and my sleep. I have a very specific routine at bedtime, disrupting that upsets me and gives me headaches. My life needs to be calmly structured to keep me sane, I couldn't do it. YET I NEED MY HUSBAND'S PERMISSION TO BE STERILIZED?!
nini 2 years ago
I have bad atopic dermatitis, suffered from it since my birth. I finally got a medication that helps me, but it was such a struggle to get it. I don't blame my mother (who has many allergies and an atopic tendency herself) for having me, I always was happy to exist. Still, I had phases where I was in so much pain physically and mentally because of it. So I will never have a child myself, I could not forgive myself if it would inherit this disease and suffer as well. Besides, I would have to stop my medication for the pregnancy (since it's new and untested in pregnant women) which means my dermatitis would return in full power. This scares me. Additionally, both me and my partner have/will have very tiring, stressful jobs, and the little spare time we'll have... I'm just not ready to "sacrifice" it for children. Also, depression and addicition runs in my family (I got spared from these ones at least).
Tamara Horyza 2 years ago
What were these people living in a isolated cave to not know what life sucking commitments kids are which is why ii never had them.im too selfish of my time I heard the b******t too like "oh once you have your own you change your mind" no i wont,just like some people dont like cats or dogs some people dont like kids and having one just to prove you arent one of them is stupid
Carrie de Luka 2 years ago
To answer your question, yes. They see all the pretty serene motherhood pictures and think that is reality. The see cute smiling babies and think that's what they're like all the time. They'll hear stories of babies crying a lot and mum being tired but they won't know how it impacts on such a deep level. Reading these stories may help a lot for some people to connect with that reality. Too many 'it was hard but worth it' stories and not enough of this type. Too many parents extolling the joys and wanting everyone to end up like them (why? validation of their choice?) and they're the ones who contribute to this problem. Shut up about 'you'll change your mind once you have your own' hear, hear!! We're not all the same and we should not condemn those who are being honest but instead share it widely. You will get people reading these and thinking 'that will be me' and making a different choice. That would be a good thing - lessening the numbers of people who regret it.
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KimB 2 years ago
These are just making me extremely angry...oh I can't be spontaneous anymore oh boo fu*king hoo!!! You chose to have children...and you were lucky enough to have a healthy one...
Carrie Laughs 2 years ago
They were asked to explain their regrets & are being honest. It may not sound great but wouldn't it have been better if they'd had more knowledge about the realities PRIOR? That way maybe they would have made a different choice. These things should be widely shared so that people don't just have children with little thought as far too many do. The horrific volume of children who are abused, neglected & unloved is staggering. We need the total honesty without condemnation & judgemental attitudes. I think children are precious but they need to be born to those who truly want them & as far as is humanly possible that they understand what is being undertaken. If we have to read stories where parents share their regrets, regardless of how silly those reasons might seem to anyone else, then if it makes others think again & prevents children being born to those who won't love them (or worse) then so be it. The children matter more than our sensitivities on the subject.
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RP 2 years ago
So many of these are structural issues not personal ones. It's basics too: free childcare, living wage, access to abortion, decent parental leave, education and disabilities' funding. These are the basics that a society needs to offer ffs.
JJ 2 years ago
I agree. Also I think society and structure should be less about telling women what's right or wrong if it comes to (not) wanting and (not) having children and more to support each other, nevermind what they chose or deal with. Where I live, it's a lot about "You're female, get pregnant", but also parents are let down who really struggle. It often takes other people to notice (e.g. teachers), before they get help. (Child protective services are actually really good and helpful but people think they're just there to take your child away.)
Load More Replies... Lakota Wolf 2 years ago
I’m sure I’ll get ripped to shreds for this, but some of these stories disgust me. I mean the ones where the common theme is “I don’t get to go out and do what I want to any more!!” No, you don’t. You chose to have kids. However - I know some states/countries don’t allow abortions, and it’s sometimes hard to resist pressure from family/your significant other. But it’s just sometimes shocking to read someone say “I never wanted kids, now I have 3 and I regret having them.” I can assure everyone that kids SENSE that. They feel those emotions and regrets radiating off of the parent even if the parent tries to hide it. And it’s incredibly damaging to the child. Kids know when you’re pissed that you can’t go on vacations and take lots of photos to post to Facebook and Instagram “like all of your friends do”. They don’t know that literally or specifically, but they start to think and get the feeling that Mommy/Daddy doesn’t like them. I’ve lived as that kid for 40 years. And I’m ADOPTED.
Fiona C 2 years ago
I couldn't finish reading them all because most of them were pathetic to me. It's not a child's job to fulfill all your hopes and dreams or make you feel good, its your job to take care of the child. Some of these people very clearly did not think it through properly at all.
Load More Replies... Scarlett 2 years ago
Yeah, screw that. I do not want children. My parents are messed up and I carry that trauma. I would make a terrible mother and I will not pass it down. I would rather get an abortion then put a child through my depressed, ADHD, and quick tempered self.
Seabeast 2 years ago
Same. I have never regretted my choice to not be a mother. I'd be terrible at it.
Load More Replies... Curry on... 2 years ago
I have sympathy for the parents whose children have mental or physical problems. But some of these others just seem like whiners. It's like they had some unreal romantic expectations about raising a whole human being, and then reality set in. Or they're just selfish and a little lazy.
Troux 2 years ago
I think a lot of this is cultural differences. Western culture preaches freedom, independence, and entrepreneurship as absolute paragons of living, but doesn't mention that things like community, family cohesion, and parenthood lose out as a result. It's taken for granted that you can just insert a relationship or family at any point in your life, when tradition has always held that these things take time and work that begins in your 20's. I think the tradeoff needs to be more openly discussed, rather than the 'you can do anything you want' dream of infinity that keeps getting spread.
Load More Replies... Tigerpacingthecage 2 years ago
I think it's really important to break the illusion that children "complete you" in any way. Or that it's the "meaning of life". I have 3 kids (9yrs, 8yrs and (almost) 1yr). They are awesome but I must say I didn't know how much of your life you are "supposed" to sacrifice to have them. Your relationship will be on hold when they are young so your sex life is c**p but you are often "trapped" with your partner anyway, you can't do what you want without thinking of the children first, you have to have a job that goes together with childcare available, everything is expensive, housework never ending etc etc. I absolutely don't regret my kids though and personally think they are worth it, but wow, they take so much away from you and I think we need to highlight that and not "everyone should have kids" or "your relationship will be better with children" (no! NEVER).It is totally fine to not want all that extra work, even if you are in a relationship or married.
Mir Adwari 2 years ago
I think you make very valid points. The messages about parenthood can be misleading - all of the love and fun and not enough about the daily grind. Parents talk about how hard it is and then go 'oh but it was life changing and they do love you' as though they fear saying anything else will make them look bad. No, be honest about how tough it is. Don't backtrack and waffle on about love instead when asked (what I've mostly seen). A friend of mine regrets her choice to have a child. She loves him VERY much indeed and is a good mum but she had no idea what it would be like. She just saw 'cute baby = happy mum' in the media. A world that is often portrayed as serene, white fluffy blankets and happy playing babies. Not lots of screaming, no sleep, the impact on health through each stage, the work, the constant demands etc. They get a mention but not the focus. We should be much clearer eyed and less sentimental about it all and not criticise those who decide it isn't for them.
Load More Replies... Seabeast 2 years ago
I decided early in life I didn't want children because I didn't think I'd be a good mother. I mentioned this to a guy I met in my early 20s and he chirped "You don't know unless you try!" My reply was "Well, that's just it - you *don't* know until you've already had a kid. If it turns out you aren't a good mother, there is no sending them back." He looked gobsmacked, I don't think he'd ever considered that.
Zoe's Mom 2 years ago
I never wanted children, and I know that I would have resented the child IF I did have one. I have no regrets and although many of these reads are heartbreaking, it's true that NO ONE prepares you for parenthood. One should never have a child simply because of the pressures from family or friends..or to think it will save a marriage. IT'S HARD WORK and your time is no longer yours. How do I know: I took in my nephews after turning in my sister to CPS. The hardest 2 years of my life and I hated it but I would do it again to stop them from going into foster care. Not to offend anyone, but if you are thinking of having kids, foster a dog and you'll see somewhat the time commitment and how you have to plan EVERYTHING around a child/dog. And don't be fooled; everyone who said they would help all of a sudden have plans. I have a dog and the hardest thing is trying to find someone to watch her while I'm on vacation. She hates shelters because she feels she is being left .. again.
Jackie Lulu 2 years ago
I do regret that I was the kind of person who didn't want children , not that I regret not having them.
Load More Replies... bv7hearts 2 years ago
Whenever someone asks me why I am 40 and childfree, I'm going to just link this post.
Jackie Lulu 2 years ago
We should not be here to judge! You don't know what it's like for some of these people. Don't say, Well, it's been a joy for me, so why not for you? Everyone is different and everyone draws a different straw in life, and you just don't know what it's like for another.. so just stop it.
OmMarol 2 years ago
society needs to stop putting pressure on people, particularly women, to become parents. Not everyone is meant to be a parent, and there's more to this life than just procreating. We should start normalizing other kind of families or roles, like uncles and aunts that help to raise their nephews or nieces, like a second parent that helps the siblings when and IF they need them, without the full responsibility of being the actual parent of the kids. Or simply stop thinking about raising kids as a goal in everyone's lives. There's already too many people in this world, is not like we're in need to "preserve our species".
Friend Kelli 2 years ago
Yeah, this one's tough. The problem is you don't know if you're going to be good at parenting until it happens and then you're stuck. I'll tell you one thing, having kids didn't get or keep me sober.
Carrie Laughs 2 years ago
It can actually make a person less likely to be sober - it's really hard work. You can't know for sure, true, but sharing these stories might make some think again and that's only a good thing. Let's not condemn those for being honest about it when they were asked. Stop assuming also that it means they weren't a good parent - I've seen parents who adore their children who were simply awful at it. There are extremes at either end and a mix in the middle where most of us muddle on and do a reasonable job! Hope you are in a good place now.
Load More Replies... Bob Stuart 2 years ago
I knew that my mother didn't love anybody, and needed her space. I decided to not have kids until I could support them without depleting their natural inheritance. Now I'm sad that I couldn't save the world, but glad I have no kids in it.
marianne eliza 2 years ago
I hope everyone of these parents tells every teen and preteen they know about this. Maybe prevent some teen mothers and fathers.
Valerie Smart 2 years ago
Couldn’t finish. Stopped after i think the third one . Bring on the cats and dogs and happy s**t. Wtf.
Kanuli 2 years ago
I feel like some could have seen that coming? Like did it just happen? Do they not think ahead what might change, and also how stable the partnership was (a bunch are single it seems). Some others I just feel sad for. Being trapped, especially when it’s due to society’s missing support, must be crippling. And it’s most likely a viscous circle too.
Tigerpacingthecage 2 years ago
Nothing really prepare you for parenthood. Sure, you can imagine it being much work but you can't even guess HOW much or how it will impact everything. The way you see yourself, your body, your relationship (even if it was a good one pre kids), your work and yeah - your entire life. I absolutely understand why people feel like that wasn't what they signed up for and "just happened" and it's healthy to express those feelings. In most cases that doesn't mean they love their kids any less.
Load More Replies... Monica Pryts 2 years ago (edited)
No wonder some of these kids cut of off contact. They know they're not wanted.
Rens 2 years ago
I grew up in an abusive household; I have Asperger's, ADD, anxiety, depression; I've suffered from CFS/ME my whole adult life. I've been in therapy half my life since I was 12 years old. I never EVER regretted having my daughter. I've lived in 4 different countries, with little to no support from family/friends, services etc. I was lucky enough to be a SAHM, but my (ex) husband was financially, emotionally and sexually abusive (withholding affection is abuse too). He was a good dad but he was, and still is, totally f****d up by his parents/upbringing. My daughter was this perfect little piece I was missing. Having her never stopped me from doing anything, even though her birth nearly killed me and has had serious repercussions that I'm still dealing with 21 years later. Her father and I finally split up when she was 11, I couldn't live another second in a loveless marriage. Things didn't work out the way I imagined they would, but 10 years and many upheavals later, things are settled. I wouldn't have changed anything except for never marrying my husband - red flags were there right from the start.
JustAnother Soul 2 years ago (edited)
Becoming a parent should be taken very very seriously. It should never be entered into lightly. It is a huge task that few can cope with and are prepared for. It is a huge burden. It is also a joy and it is a sacrifice. It takes a village to raise a child. You cannot do it alone or without help from within your family or community or without the support of society.
Disgruntled Panda 2 years ago
I'm probably going to get downvoted for this a lot, but why did so many of these poster even have children? Did they feel like they had to from a societal or family point of view? I'm not saying this to be nasty, I just wish people would make sure they're ok first, how else is your kid going to end up ok 😕
Carrie Laughs 2 years ago
Lack of realisation. Look at how many are being condemned for their honesty here? If those people had read these stories first then perhaps they'd not have had children. Even when we get told of the tiredness, the struggles it's always couched in terms to make it sound worth it in the end. The reality is that it won't be for some people. Women get a lot of pressure to have children. Many almost sleepwalk into it as it's 'what you do'. If we don't read the truly honest feelings of those who regret it how can we ever know that this might happen? That it might be us who feel like that? Some are judging those for moaning about not having free time to be spontaneous. Well, a LOT don't realise that will happen. It doesn't click until too late. Instead of condemning let's shout it from the rooftops and make it clear. Then those who have children will, hopefully, have gone into it with their eyes wider open and truly happy with their choice.
Load More Replies... DeLana Prosperie 3 months ago
What I gather from this article is there is a lot of mental illness in society and God help us all if these individuals are procreating. Don't have kids if you have some sort of mental illness. Yes children are a LOT. And they need a LOT. I will be the first to agree with that having 2 children from different fathers and going through 2 divorces. I don't regret having either one of them. Get yourself together or don't have children.
DeLana Prosperie 3 months ago
Honest to God this is depressing as hell, and from what I can see it's also a lot of mental illness on the part of the parents. Dont' have kids if you have mental illness is what I get from this article. God help us all.
Tina Bremer 3 months ago (edited)
I had a son when I was 22 years old. I NEVER wanted children, I was / am too selfish. I knew this about myself which is why I was on birth control. But it's not 100% effective and my son is a pill baby. My significant other was not a bad guy but definitely not ready to be a father so I made the decision to do it on my own. I was EXTREMELY lucky to have a mother who was there for me. I moved back home and we raised him together. I was fortunate she allowed me to still have selfish moments. I love my son more than anything else and he's the most important person in my life. My son is now an adult and we have a very close relationship. But I can't help but wonder if things would be the same if I didn't have my mothers support.
Renee Horvath 3 months ago
The problem is society has always made people (especially women) think that having kids is something you must do as an adult. No one tells you the downside or how damn hard it is, everyone thinks you should just suck it up because “that’s how it is.” Parenting is SO F***IN HARD and can literally suck the life out of you, your wants, desires and former personality disappear. I think people need to be told the truth about having kids starting at 13 years old, instead of just expecting people to just suck it up. Tell them how your money, your beauty sleep, your free time, your hobbies and your soul are crushed.
Coffeemama05 11 months ago
I do not regret my children. I wanted to be a mom so bad, it was the biggest accomplishment. I only regret who I had them with. I can’t change the past. I’m not going to treat them horribly because of my poor decisions when I was younger. My kids are great kids. They like the same stuff I do and they’re easy going and smart. They don’t get into trouble besides the minor little stuff. They listen to me and have been on a good path that will help build them a rock solid future and I know it was because of me
alithenewmc 2 years ago
Number 1 is the only one that resonates with me. Ever since I can remember, I've wanted to be a mom to 2 before turning 30. And I got my dream- 2 boys before age 30, who are turning into wonderful, smart, kind people. I prepared throughout my teenage years to be a mother; I studied child psychology and teaching techniques for fun, taught piano to others' kids and babysat, did first aid courses, learned how to bake the best cookies...we do crafts and science experiments and go on "night walks" where they pretend to be arctic explorers searching for tracks, and I love every minute of it. But their futures are looking grim, and I grieve for them. I've had to stop reading the news around climate change because it was causing me so much anxiety for them that I was having panic attacks. If I were to be childless right now, I think I'd stay that way, as much as it would hurt me. I can only hope society figures its sh*t out.
Igetsurgical 2 years ago
I had a son at 17. Definitely not easy. He's a great man we're so proud of him. My youngest 12 is special needs. That was real hard for us in the beginning. Raising kids has been one of the hardest jobs one can do. No regrets. I love my kids.
Isaac Harvey 2 years ago
Let's just say... I have psoriasis from a little after I was born, childhood brain cancer from 2 weeks before my tenth birthday in September 2013, and epilepsy from when I was 16, in May 2020. I need MRIs every 6 months for my tumor and I need to take two medicines, keppra and lamictal, every 12 hours for my epilepsy. And on top of all that, I live in the (un-)United States.
ZenChickChristine 2 years ago
I struggled through three increasingly difficult miscarriages. It gutted me but in retrospect I am grateful that I didn’t pass my trauma on to children of my own. I do have stepdaughters, but they’re adults. One refuses to speak with me because I don’t allow any drugs or alcohol in my home (that might sound militant but it’s because I’m in recovery, not because I want to control what she chooses to do). They have reinforced the good that came out of me not being a mother. The girls only reach out to their father when they want something. Unlike me he is strong at setting boundaries and doesn’t bend over backwards to win their approval. Having kids is not for the codependent.
LynzCatastrophe 2 years ago
I don't have kids because I know I'd be a crappy mother. I have zero skills, not even enough to babysit my nephew. I admit to being a selfish person jerk. My career may have derailed lately due to a recent disability, buy my husband makes good money. It took us over a decade of struggling and paycheck to paycheck to get a savings account with money in it. I'm not giving it up now. We can finally afford to go on vacations. I also like my free time and my sleep. I have a very specific routine at bedtime, disrupting that upsets me and gives me headaches. My life needs to be calmly structured to keep me sane, I couldn't do it. YET I NEED MY HUSBAND'S PERMISSION TO BE STERILIZED?!
nini 2 years ago
I have bad atopic dermatitis, suffered from it since my birth. I finally got a medication that helps me, but it was such a struggle to get it. I don't blame my mother (who has many allergies and an atopic tendency herself) for having me, I always was happy to exist. Still, I had phases where I was in so much pain physically and mentally because of it. So I will never have a child myself, I could not forgive myself if it would inherit this disease and suffer as well. Besides, I would have to stop my medication for the pregnancy (since it's new and untested in pregnant women) which means my dermatitis would return in full power. This scares me. Additionally, both me and my partner have/will have very tiring, stressful jobs, and the little spare time we'll have... I'm just not ready to "sacrifice" it for children. Also, depression and addicition runs in my family (I got spared from these ones at least).
Tamara Horyza 2 years ago
What were these people living in a isolated cave to not know what life sucking commitments kids are which is why ii never had them.im too selfish of my time I heard the b******t too like "oh once you have your own you change your mind" no i wont,just like some people dont like cats or dogs some people dont like kids and having one just to prove you arent one of them is stupid
Carrie de Luka 2 years ago
To answer your question, yes. They see all the pretty serene motherhood pictures and think that is reality. The see cute smiling babies and think that's what they're like all the time. They'll hear stories of babies crying a lot and mum being tired but they won't know how it impacts on such a deep level. Reading these stories may help a lot for some people to connect with that reality. Too many 'it was hard but worth it' stories and not enough of this type. Too many parents extolling the joys and wanting everyone to end up like them (why? validation of their choice?) and they're the ones who contribute to this problem. Shut up about 'you'll change your mind once you have your own' hear, hear!! We're not all the same and we should not condemn those who are being honest but instead share it widely. You will get people reading these and thinking 'that will be me' and making a different choice. That would be a good thing - lessening the numbers of people who regret it.
Load More Replies... KimB 2 years ago
These are just making me extremely angry...oh I can't be spontaneous anymore oh boo fu*king hoo!!! You chose to have children...and you were lucky enough to have a healthy one...
Carrie Laughs 2 years ago
They were asked to explain their regrets & are being honest. It may not sound great but wouldn't it have been better if they'd had more knowledge about the realities PRIOR? That way maybe they would have made a different choice. These things should be widely shared so that people don't just have children with little thought as far too many do. The horrific volume of children who are abused, neglected & unloved is staggering. We need the total honesty without condemnation & judgemental attitudes. I think children are precious but they need to be born to those who truly want them & as far as is humanly possible that they understand what is being undertaken. If we have to read stories where parents share their regrets, regardless of how silly those reasons might seem to anyone else, then if it makes others think again & prevents children being born to those who won't love them (or worse) then so be it. The children matter more than our sensitivities on the subject.
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