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I was once told that being a parent is like living with your heart walking around outside of your body. If you have kids, it’s likely that they are the center of your universe, and there might be at least a small part of you thinking about them at all times. So the idea of not being able to contact your children might be heart wrenching, but unfortunately, it’s not a particularly unique experience. 

A quarter of adults report being estranged from at least one parent, and while this might be a mother or father's worst nightmare, it usually doesn’t happen for no reason. Moms and dads with children who have cut off contact have recently been opening up on Reddit about what led to their estrangement, so we’ve gathered some of their most honest responses below. Keep reading to find a conversation with Empty Nest Coach Pamela Henkelman, and be sure to upvote the replies that hit home for you.

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#1

30 People Reveal The Reason Their Kids No Longer Speak To Them Father to the daughter that cut off contact with her mother, my wife, here.

Mother is (still) a narcissist, emotionally and mentally abused the kids until they moved out one by one. Mother also a functioning alcoholic.

The daughter (moved to a different state) cut off all contact with her mother, vowed to never let her see the grandchildren. Mother spent months raging, trying weak apologies, saying things like, "I'm sorry you're upset." and "You need to grow past what happened." and (to me) "She is stuck in the past."

Daughter and I are very close, I facetime with the grandbabies regularly, and visit on holidays.

Edit to add: thanks everyone for your insight and stories. I feel every one. To answer some questions:

Why am I still married?

My youngest daughter has one more year of college that I'm paying for, then that will be it. I make significantly more money than the wife, and pay for everything. However, my state is a 50/50 state for divorce, and I need that money to get my girl through college. Up for grabs is my military pension, 401k, IRA, house, and savings. I'm certainly not rich by any means. Cheaper to keep her for now.

Why didn't I leave way back then?

She wasn't a psycho all the time. The good times were great, amazing. I hoped that if I could just keep those going it's all work out. I was stupidly optimistic. I also came from a broken family, my parents divorced when I was young and I hated that. In my mind "divorce was bad" and I didn't want to inflict that on my kids. Now that I can look back I realize I should have left much earlier.

Too often it was like walking on eggshells in the house. She may snap on something, or get drunk then come out raging and gaslighting. I was always on edge. That was my norm. Being in the military has taught me to toughen up and do job. So that's what I did at home.

But toughening up meant keeping my emotions to myself. Burying them away, putting on a strong face. We'd argue and fight, she'd cry and yell. I could never get her to change.

People that are in abusive relationships get into a certain mindset. You ever hear a cabinet slam too hard? Ever have clothes folded at you? Hear dishes put on the sink a little too loud? You're suddenly on high alert, on the lookout for anything coming your way. Waiting for the steps down the hall and your door fly open. It's a terrible way to live.

I should have made many different decisions, been stronger, gotten help earlier. Maybe being always in survival mode doesn't let you think about those things. I regret many things and will always carry that with me.

But now I look to the future and the happy times I'll have with my kids grandkids. I want to be the papa and grampa I never had.

Thanks for reading this far, I'd love to give you all a big dad hug. Because you are worth it, and you deserve it. Take care. ♥️.

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Alexandra
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4 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You've done a very good job in very difficult circumstances: things could have been decidedly far worse for your children but for you. Big hug back!

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#2

30 People Reveal The Reason Their Kids No Longer Speak To Them Not me but I was on a Facebook group a few weeks back where this older woman in her 60s claimed to be estranged from her kids, and she didn't know why. She assumed that the kids were hard to deal with and she did her best but no matter what they were always out to get her or feel that she was being aggressive.

When someone made a comment or suggestion saying that the way she phrases things may contribute to it based on how she spoke, this woman flipped out on the person who commented. When I followed saying if that's how she speaks to them, then I can see why they may feel that way, she flipped out on me saying I don't know her story and that she was the nicest person she ever knew.

Some people just genuinely don't have the mental capacity to learn how to grow.

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#3

30 People Reveal The Reason Their Kids No Longer Speak To Them My kids still speak to me, but not much. I'm better than I was, but I was a c**p parent. Poverty was part of it. Hooking up with the wrong men, just to have a little more income, or not to pay for child care. Bed chemical decisions. I got myself cleaned up, got out of debt, got rid of the guy who was harassing my boy, and acting like the girl (our kid together ) could do no wrong. My parents were atrocious, and I really thought I was much better. Actually, I was much better, but I wasn't enough better. It was hard for me to show love because I never experienced it myself. There were times i didn't hear from my boy for years, and honestly, I know I deserved that. I wrote him a long letter, apologized for my faults, and honestly have tried to be better. We have a much better relationship now, and while we are not super close, we have something, and I'm grateful.

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4 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm glad they at least realise the damage they did, there are too many parents who are all "I have NO IDEA why my kids don't talk to me" and act the victim. Hopefully her kids will be the ones to break the abuse cycle.

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To gain more insight into this topic, we got in touch with Empty Nest Coach Pamela Henkelman, who was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda. First, we asked Pamela about some of the most common reasons why adults become estranged from their parents.

"Dr. Joshua Coleman lists six common reasons for estrangement: tension with a son or daughter-in-law; mental illness, addiction or abuse; the child has a therapist; divorce; feeling too close to the parent; and disagreement about choices, values or lifestyle," the coach shared.
#4

30 People Reveal The Reason Their Kids No Longer Speak To Them May I?

“I grew up an orphan during the Great Depression, and there was no way in hell that my kids would have an easier life than me. I would do everything in my power to recreate my joyless, deprivation-filled childhood for them, so that they would know first hand what I went through. I would offer no emotional or financial support, because I had none. I would crush any interests they had, and sabotage their every action with the ferocity of Genghis Khan. I would do things to them that in today’s world would be on the news. I would put on a cheerful and friendly face to the outside world, and immediately revert to my evil self at home. I never tired of raging and shrieking. I would be completely shameless at all times. I thought nothing of living a life of deceit, yet paint myself as a devout religious person. I lived a life of agonizing pain, never had a moment of love, laughter, peace, or safety, never knew where my next meal was coming from, so was it really so awful that I continued that tradition with my own kids?”

I skipped her funeral.

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Julie S
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4 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Wow just wow. I really hope this isn't real but I fear it is.

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#5

30 People Reveal The Reason Their Kids No Longer Speak To Them Sometimes children outgrow their parents whose development is halted.

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Angrywolf
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4 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If only the road to get there wasn't so damn hard and long

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#6

30 People Reveal The Reason Their Kids No Longer Speak To Them My mom loves the non apologies. “I’m sorry you’re upset.” “I’m sorry if I hurt you.” “I think we all need to learn to forgive.” Who knows what she says to my dad, who knows how to apologize, but, when the cards are down, is never *actually* apologetic.

It’s exhausting.

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Joey Marlin
Joey Marlin
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4 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I really hate 'sorry if I hurt you'. If, IF????? There is no IF about it. Some people see not apologising as being strong. If you've done something wrong and won't admit it or try to make amends then you are absolutely the opposite of strong. Yeah... it hits a nerve!

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We also asked Pamela about the toll that being cut off from their children takes on a parent. "Estrangement is the deepest pain for a parent. It causes depression, shame, stress and deep loss," she shared. "Granted, if a parent isn't safe, it's wise for the child to keep their distance, but most estrangements can be worked out if both parties are willing."
#7

My daughter and I were estranged for 18 months. It.was.hell.

It was also all my fault. I had crossed a boundary and god bless her, she called me on it and told me to go f**k myself.

I was incensed! How dare she!

Well she dare because she was right. And I had to go introspective and work on me. She reached out 18 months later and we have been in touch now and have a SOLID relationship.

It is a communicative relationship. Understanding and just being compassionate to each other.

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#8

30 People Reveal The Reason Their Kids No Longer Speak To Them My mother literally couldn't tell you. I don't mean she doesn't know, I've told her, but she's clinically delusional-an actual narcissist. Straight up rewriting memories AS THEY HAPPEN to the point she thinks we're plotting against her when we agree and she doesn't. She claims my partner is why. She told my family I was on d***s. Ironic, since she's on just about everything and can't see our youngest brother without supervision anymore. I don't know what she did for that, but due to my own childhood...I can guess and it's not good.

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4 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This hits close to home for me, you will never get closure when they keep denying, lying or like in my case blaming each other. It sucks.

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#9

I want to add what drove me away, as a kid. 

I was never protected. They protected their church and its members from me— from my truth-telling. They never protected me from them. 

They didn’t let me feel my feelings. I had to bury every hurt, every fear, all my sad feelings. They left me to deal with what was happening to me all by myself. I was the loneliest kid in the world in a family of 8. 

They didn’t heed warnings or get us adequate help when s**t came to light. They broadcast their own hurt, and made it known our hurt was a burden, so we didn’t dare add to it, and again, suffered by ourselves. 

When chickens came home to roost and my emotional and physical health went to hell, they judged the s**t out of me. 

When I started to leave my agoraphobic cocoon and live life again, and got f*****g assaulted by a predator, when I called them crying about it, they blamed me. 

When I left the church that contributed to the life time of abuse, they ostracized me. My dad verbally berated me and called me vile names on the direction of my mother. My mom spread so much s**t that ALWAYS made its way back to me. (Moms, do not do this to your children.) 

When I started trauma therapy, they called me crazy. They went on a PR campaign within the family smearing me. (Wonder why??)

I have been betrayed so many times by my parents, and I am covered in visible and invisible scars because of it. They treat me like I’m an embarrassment, like they wish they could change everything about me. 

They’re the ones who drew the line in the sand. They made it impossible to be in a full relationship with them and still love and honor myself. .

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Next, we asked Pamela if there's anything parents can do to try to repair their relationship with an estranged son or daughter. "It's the parent's responsibility to reach out to the child. A parent needs to own their role in the breakdown, and this is why it's difficult, because unhealthy parents will blame their children," the expert says.

"Unhealthy children will blame the parents. It's a complicated relationship. Dr Joshua Coleman recommends writing a letter of amends to open the conversation," Pamela continued.
#10

30 People Reveal The Reason Their Kids No Longer Speak To Them My daughter hasn’t spoken to much in the last 2 years. She’ll come to family (her grandparents aunts/uncles/cousins), but only replies to anything I say with one or two word answers.

I wish I could say I don’t know why. But I do. Her mom said she feels I put her second after her mom and divorced. I keep trying to rebuild that bridge. Hopefully in time.

The take away is this. It doesn’t matter how you perceive things, it’s how your child does. Don’t ever let them doubt how you feel about them.

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4 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Hah! I never had any doubt about how my dad felt about me - he couldn't give a flying F. (Sorry, I'll probably stop commenting after a few more posts, but this is still a touchy subject to me, all these years later).

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#11

30 People Reveal The Reason Their Kids No Longer Speak To Them Father of three adult daughters here. I'll give the situation as it exists now then try to explain how/why it got there.

-- Oldest had completely cut me out of her life. We were always distant, even when she was younger, but it got much worse as she got into her 20s. We didn't speak for years. She is now 33 and we occasionally message when she initiates the convo. The coldest has thawed some but it is still delicate.

-- Middle girl is my carbon copy and we had a good relationship when she was younger. When she hit late-teens we drifted apart. Now she is 28 with four kids, only the oldest of which I've ever met. Not allowed to see the others. We rarely if ever message each other.

-- Youngest daughter treated me like I walked on water. Did so until just a couple of years ago. Recently (just a week or so ago) she informed me she no longer wants any contact with me.

As for the how/why part, I was raised in a single parent home. My mother did her best to provide for our needs but she was cold and distant. No hugs. Any event in school I was automatically blamed before she had any details. If it was proven I was innocent, she would brush off her previous accusation by claiming she was sure I probably did something anyway. Lots more I can add here. Some of it too sensitive to share even in an anonymous board.

I hated the way she was and vowed I would do things differently when/if I had children. Well, I had children. While I did attempt to change my behaviors from what I'd experienced, I slowly added my own ingredients to this soup.

Essentially, I ran our home as a military installation. My girls were quickly and harshly disciplined for even the most minor of offenses. While there were occasional spankings when they were little, the discipline evolved into very binary (go / no go) rules. For instance, you are expected to get this minimum score on a test at school or you can't go to your friend's house on the weekend. You didn't make that grade, you were not going. If you cried and begged and pleaded, you were still not going but now I would restrict / remove some other thing you wanted for not accepting your fate. And so on.

When they did things that were good, I would more or less dismiss this as me not rewarding them for what they should have done anyway.

Basically, they couldn't win.

I believed at the time that I was building strong girls into strong women. It feels as though I've done the exact opposite.

On the rare occasions I do hear from them, and the subject of the past comes up (this is very rare) I get the "I don't hate you but I don't want you in my life." speech. It's deserved but that doesn't lessen the sting.

My hope for the future is, as they grow older, time passing will allow them to be more comfortable around me. As they are all adults now, my desire to control them as I did when they were kids is gone. I simply want an adult-child/parent relationship. I guess I haven't earned that right, but I still hope for it one day.

This comment is late in this post's life so it probably doesn't really get seen; nevertheless, it has been cathartic to type it out.

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#12

30 People Reveal The Reason Their Kids No Longer Speak To Them I have no idea why i stopped talking to my parents.
It wasn't an incident. It was a slow moving snowball.
But the main thing is how f*****g unprepared I was for life. I'm in my 40s now, and still trying to figure out basic things. Google is my parent at this point. I can't remember the last time I asked either of my parents for advice/help.

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35 cabbages in a trenchcoat
35 cabbages in a trenchcoat
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4 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I absolutely feel this. It was so weird... my parents just assumed I knew stuff? And punished me / were disappointed if I didn't. How was I supposed to learn those things, though??? (I grew up on a farm without Internet, in the 90s).

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Pamela provided an example of a "letter of amends" that a parent might write to their child once all contact has ceased.

"Psychologist and author of Rules of Estrangement, Dr. Joshua Coleman recommends this script: Dear Son/Daughter, I’m writing to see if it’s possible to open up a dialogue with you. I know that you wouldn’t have this time apart from me if it wasn’t the healthiest thing for you to do. With that being said, I don’t completely understand why you cut off ties with me."

"It’s clear I have significant blind spots in either how I raised you or things I’ve done while you're an adult, and I’m writing to have better understanding," Pamela continued. "Would you feel comfortable letting me know? I promise to read it from the perspective of listening and learning and not in any way to defend myself. Love, Mom"

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#13

I had a daughter that my parents kept making plans to come see, but then cancelling the day before each time. The last time, when my daughter was already packed to go see grandma and grandpa, and we had been hyping it to her for weeks, they called and cancelled the trip with no excuse and then I later found out they went to a baseball game with their friends instead. 

I was used to this kind of abandonment and would laugh it off in the past, but as I held my 6 year old daughter while she cried her eyes out, I vowed she’d never know that kind of unreliability in her life.

That was the last time I spoke to them. My wife wrote them a letter a few years ago, but they never wrote back. My daughter is 14 now and I am toying with the idea of allowing her to meet them since she’s more mature, but they’d probably just cancel again. .

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V
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4 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

We can't tell our kid about plans with family until they or we are on the way there because they flake so often and we got sick of dealing with the disappointment.

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#14

30 People Reveal The Reason Their Kids No Longer Speak To Them My mother and I didn’t talk for a few years. When I went away to college she said, “If you get on that plane, don’t bother coming back home.” I fell in love while in college and got engaged and he abused me. I never told my mom because I didn’t think she cared. It was my brother that came to another state to check on me. I finally did come back home but things were never the same.

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#15

My mom and I stopped talking for a 14 year stretch. When my son was very little, we were on vacation with my mother. My wife and I had a small disagreement about his breakfast and afterwards, my mother pulled me aside and said I should take my son with me to a hotel for a few days to teach my wife a lesson.

I disagreed, telling her that I didn't feel that I should be taking marital advice from a woman who had been divorced 3 times.

She didn't take it as well as you might think. /s

We finally started taking again when my grandmother passed away and have been fine ever since.

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4 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Oh yeah kidnapping is always great parenting advice m! /s....

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Finally, Pamela added that repairing these relationships won't be simple, but it may be possible. "There's no easy way through this, but if both parties are willing to find commonality and extend forgiveness, relationships can be restored," she told Bored Panda. "It takes patience and ongoing conversations once you're communicating again. If the parent isn't willing to humble themselves, it is hard for reconciliation to occur."
#16

I started having babies when i was 18, and i was trying to raise children when id never had a good role model for how it’s done properly. I had untreated she’d misdiagnosed mental illnesses. I was a s**t parent. Their childhood was full of trauma and I was at the helm. I thought I was going pretty good, given the circumstances of our lives but I wasn’t at all. I was a baby with a sick brain and no support system trying to raise babies.

I believe I did my best but unfortunately sometimes our best simply isn’t good enough. I’ve recently been properly diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and yeah, growing up with a bpd mother is a horrific fate for a child.

I don’t know how to make amends with my kids, but I know that best course of action is to respect their autonomy and respect their wishes to not interact with me. I just love them from far away now. And I can absolutely say they are the most amazing, kind, compassionate, and beautiful people I’ve ever seen. I’m so proud of all of them.

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4 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Sent with mY godmother when my brother borned and i was 15 months. Didnt reconized my mother when back. At 5 yo came back alone from.school cos nobody gets me. At 12 yo ordered me not to to hang whith my best friend cos smbody told then she was a lesbian. She didnt. Anorexia Pregnat at 18. Had an abortion alone, told nobody...they never talked to much with me. Always yelled , sometimes insulted ... Then i realize my mother never gonna change and father too weak. Pretend a good relationship but IS faked. I do what i have to do as a good daughter now they are on their 70',..but IS still hard now and then.

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#17

30 People Reveal The Reason Their Kids No Longer Speak To Them In my case, the catalyst was January 6th. We had a family group chat and we were exchanging information about what we were watching with our own eyes. My oldest son started chiming in saying it wasn't that bad and the news was overblowing things. Up to that point I had no idea how far gone down the conservative hole he had gone. Of course he waited until after I moved him into a new apartment in the middle of July, cosigned for the apartment and paid the security deposit before he decided to cut contact.

He has gone no contact with the entire family with the exception of a conservative BIL, which we get along with fine. I thought we had shown all of our children how to get along with others even if their opinion differs. I guess that lesson didn't sink in.

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4 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My children and I don't always agree on politics either (though no one is blindly following any political party), but we don't let it affect our relationship. We're all mature enough to realize that good people can disagree occasionally.

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#18

30 People Reveal The Reason Their Kids No Longer Speak To Them My parents are too old for Reddit. I estranged from them because they never, ever wanted me. My mother didn't want kids but in that day, that wasn't an option. They had my sister first and sort of "used up" their love on her. When I came along five years later, they didn't have anything left. I didn't find out until 35 that it wasn't anything I did: my mother just really didn't want kids. By then, though, I'd internalized close to four decades of being unwanted. I am terrified of being abandoned and have had rafts of therapy. My parents were never abusive. We had food on the table and clothes on our backs. I had My Little Ponies and She-Ra figures. I also attempted s*****e for the first time when I was eleven years old. I started drinking when I was 15. My parents did not notice. They told me I was "the independent one" so I didn't need their love. We also were not a demonstrative family. My family did not hug or kiss or touch in any way. I think I have hugged my parents maybe ten times or so. Both parents are quite smart and there was always a kind of... judgement? about people who couldn't use their words and had to use their bodies instead. Like only poor or stupid people hug their kids. I could go through a list of what they did for my sister versus me, but f**k it. I would be accused of hyperbole, or of making things up whole cloth. We were only nominally raised in the same household; her life had a very, very, very different trajectory. Suffice it to say that it wasn't just the love that my sister used up - time, money, effort, ideas, conversation - I got none of those things. If it matters, I don't blame Sister - we still talk. It wasn't her fault.

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4 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm so sorry to hear your experience. I can relate to having a parent not want you (or my sister) and made no attempt to hide his contempt. Nothing I could ever do was good enough - I gave up on the entire family and went my own way. No regrets.

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#19

30 People Reveal The Reason Their Kids No Longer Speak To Them 100% my fault, or to be fair 95%.
While breaking up with my high school girlfriend, after realizing there was something wrong with her and us, of course, she got pregnant. The breakup was precipitated by her sleeping around, so there was a real question of whether my daughter would be mine.

She was.

I moved back to my podunk hometown, and tried to be a good father. Ex-girlfriend, was looking for a boyfriend/husband, I was not willing to do this. She quickly got pregnant two more times, moving up the economic ladder with every pregnancy. The last guy to get her pregnant owned the country club, so her financial needs were met, but she really didn't have a man in her life yet. Through the multitude of boyfriends and lovers, I tried to be a father to my daughter, but I was constantly shut out. When I looked at going to court to have court-ordered visitation, I was told by my ex-girlfriend that I would be accused of abuse if I did so. This was not an idle threat.

So I left, and did not do nearly enough to keep in contact with my daughter. She did not like me because of my absence, and because of constantly hearing from her mother, what a piece of s**t I was. Again, I chose to leave. I was an adult she was a child, but I was fairly immature and did not see any way out. 25 years later I'm still not sure what I could've done differently.

I email my daughter every month or two and she emails me back every year or so. This failure is the great regret of my life.

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4 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Parental alienation is real, don’t be too harsh on this dude.

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#20

30 People Reveal The Reason Their Kids No Longer Speak To Them I am one of those Moms who always felt that providing for my kids, taking them on vacations, buying them what they needed was enough, didn’t realize love and nurturing were essential ingredients. Now my daughter is 28 and cannot hold a job, emotionally insecure, depressed and blaming me for her failures. She made me realize ( and therapy helped ) that how my actions, behavior might make a child feel they are not valued or loved. I am remorseful and regretting all my actions but unfortunately cannot undo the damage caused.

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35 cabbages in a trenchcoat
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4 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This comment has weird vibes, but yeah, it's important to be emotionally available for your kids

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#21

My mom will claim that I have no reason to no longer speak to her. She will swear up and down until she is blue in the face that I have no just cause. She will claim that my brother doesn't speak to her because his wife turned him against her. She will say that we both must take after our father who abandoned her too.

She will leave out the part where she is an emotionally abusive narcissistic alcoholic who repeatedly pushed my boundaries to the point where I had to cut off contact. I had worked with a therapist for over 10 years trying to set boundaries with her with ever increasing consequences (mostly via withholding contact) for disrespecting them. The last thing my mother told me in person was that I was "an ungrateful b***h just like my dead father" (a particularly terrible wound for me since I never knew him) after she tried to disregard a reasonable boundary yet again. She is a hoarder and tried to bring more s**t over to my apartment again to fill my house with junk. I wouldn't let her in the door and that's what I got.

She will leave out that my brother cut off contact with her when she wouldn't stop putting his wife down because he is her precious golden child baby she tried to engage in emotional incest with. The last straw was when she looked at his wife and called her a lesbian because she cut her hair short. (Not that being gay is an insult, but everyone knew she MEANT it is as the most heinous insult imaginable. Did I mention she also morphed into a homophobe/transphobe in later years?)

To add the finishing touches, all me and my brother asked was that she apologized to us and his wife for what she said. We even apologized for the very justifiable words of anger we said during the altercation as a result of her actions.

She refused. She claims she wasn't wrong and was justified. In that moment, I realized I never heard my mother apologize for anything even once in her life - even when she accidentally slammed my best friends fingers in a car door or rolled over my dog's tail with her car while backing out of the driveway. She cannot take responsibility for the pain she has caused for even the most blameless accidents.

Honestly, I get really sad sometimes that I don't have a mother at all. But I never feel sad I don't have her as a mother because she wasn't one. I fought so hard to keep her in my life, I did all the work to try to find a way for her to remain in it and keep my sanity, but she couldn't even lift one finger by giving a simple apology to fight for me.

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#22

My father recently died with 2/5ths of his kids talking to him.  Both of those two had considered cutting contact.


I had a few emails exchanges with him before he died to discuss why he had never met my daughter.  He made excuses for what he could and denied the rest. He couldn't live with his actions, I think. 


Anyway, he told everyone that all his kids were just mentally ill and it wasn't his fault.  I think he honestly believed it.


Then he ended up stealing 5/6ths of the money my mom had left to us kids (with him as trustee) and gave it to his second wife.  Guy was a f*****g prince.

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#23

30 People Reveal The Reason Their Kids No Longer Speak To Them My daughter doesn't talk to me as much anymore. She moved out when she was 22. I had psychosis episodes for 5 yrs all of a sudden (no history of mental illness like that, just your old run of the mill anxiety and depression) and after her having severe mental issues dealing with the aftermath of a tragedy, I got the mental issues and I had to be hospitalized for s*****e attempts. It traumatized her.


I understand why she pulled away, even if it was for something I couldn't help, and I don't blame her. My last attempt was in Nov, so I hope with time we will be able to be close again. I text her every few days to tell her that I love her, and she responds in kind. We text about life a few times every few months, but we used to be best friends before the tragedy that upended her life and then mine. It altered the course of our lives.

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#24

A lot of kids commenting here. I'm a dad who's estranged from my adult daughter. It's been complicated. Her mom is a narcissist and bipolar. She left me with the kids when they were becoming teens after some massive weight loss. Went to chase a man. Unfortunately my daughter didn't fall far from her mother's tree. Tried everything with her, but she acted out, ran away from home, almost tore apart my 2nd marriage, etc. It was a nightmare. Constant lashing out, constant quitting school, constant burning through jobs, constant stealing from the house. As an adult she stole 5000 from me, and only really reaches out when she needs rescuing from her bad decisions. I developed PTSD from all my time dealing with her poor decisions and it lead to my heavy drinking and some health problems. She blames me for all her bad decisions and it's horrible. Last time she reached out to me was father's day with a wall of text calling me a deadbeat.

For context, I have an older adult son living with me and going to college, and I adopted my 2nd wife's daughter. We all have a pretty solid relationship. It just sucks I can't have one with my older daughter, it literally was killing me.

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Okiedokie
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4 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

She was the eldest daughter and therefore probably witnessed far more of the divorce than OP realized and it affected her deeply. It sounds like Mom just up and left so add to that losing your Mom and, yeah....I don't think the daughter is a narcissist. She sounds deeply traumatized and like the hole her mother left in her life was never filled. Unfortunately once a child is out of the house there is not a lot you can do to guide them into therapy if they don't want the help. It sounds like OP keeps an open line with her and doesn't prevent her from reaching out. That's all you can do. This is a no-win scenario. It sucks for everyone.

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#25

Answering on behalf of my grandparents:

They know why. My grandmother sent a letter to my brother telling him that they don't accept his gay lifestyle despite being proud of him for other things. My grandfather signed it.

That side of the family blew up as they refused to apologize because they didn't see it as wrong; simply an expression of their faith.

The relationship between my grandmother and me/my dad/my brother is ruined. The relationship with my grandfather is much more complicated than it should be. He signed the letter, but there's some weird emotional abuse there that's hard to explain - he feels he owes his life to my grandmother because of circumstances when they got married, so he goes along with whatever she says, no matter how he feels in private.

Anyway, they're fully aware of why they're estranged. They just see *well it's an expression of our faith* as an apology and a sincere mea culpa, and no one else in my family does.

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#26

I do not believe my mom has enough self awareness to understand why we haven't talked in years. I stopped contacting her because she lied, weaponized information, isolated my half sister from me and never had me as any kind of priority.

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#27

30 People Reveal The Reason Their Kids No Longer Speak To Them I was an a*****e, s****y parent and an alcoholic. He stood over me during an argument when he was 18 (he was 6'4 and I am 5'6) and scared the s**t out of me, so I kicked him out. That was 14 years ago and he hasn't spoken to me since. I have not been able to apologise, to show him how much I have changed for the better, nor how different I am with his younger brothers (also adults now, teenagers at the time). I miss him every single day, however, it's his choice and I have to live with that. Thankfully his brothers and I have a wonderful relationship, it took a lot of hard work, and tears, but I am so grateful they are a huge part of my life, along with two grandchildren now.

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35 cabbages in a trenchcoat
35 cabbages in a trenchcoat
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4 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Forgiveness is not a right. He was deeply hurt and there's no erasing that.

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#28

30 People Reveal The Reason Their Kids No Longer Speak To Them My son went NC with me because he feels that it's best for his personal growth and his peace of mind not to be around people who behave badly or have negative attitudes or dysfunctional ways of relating to each other, and yes, those things have been true of me. I believe that he and I may have differences in our sense of proportion, but it's really only his perspective that matters because it's his happiness at stake.

I don't want to be the reason that his life feels any more f****d up than it already is.

It makes me sad in a way that I can't even express. I can't change the past. I was trying so hard to change the present. Now it feels like the light has gone out of my life. It's so f****d up to know that the best thing you can do for the person you love the best, is to leave them alone.

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#29

My father would go long stretches not talking to me, then would ask why I'm not talking to him.

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Joey Marlin
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4 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Oh the same... but he would always say it was my fault so never asked why I wasn't talking to him. I'd have to apologise before he'd ever start again. If I didn't do the apology 'properly' it wouldn't work. If I sometimes row with my husband he ends up with me apologising over and over again because I'm never really sure I've done it well enough.

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#30

Just a sister of 2 other siblings who don’t speak to our parents here.

I talk to my mom a lot, I spend every Sunday with her and my dad. I was the baby of the family so I guess things were different for me than my older siblings…

My brother being the oldest, was responsible for everything. I think our parents expected too much from him so the first thing he did when he turned 18 was get the hell out of dodge. Also with him being the oldest, he always protected me. No matter how stupid it was, he would take the blame for things I did. Idk why. But he did. He doesn’t call or visit our parents unless they call him.

My sister, she took on a mom role to me. When my parents divorced, my mom worked her life away and my sister constantly had to watch me and take care of me and she took on a mom role…I don’t think she wanted to do it, but she accepted it because she loves me. But she also left as soon as she turned 18. My sister will occasionally call our parents every so often.

I go out of my way to see and talk to our parents. I love them whole heartedly and I can admit, the way I was raised vs how they were raised were completely different. But I think the disconnect with them and our parents is how much they just didn’t get to be a kid and enjoy being a kid like I did. Their childhood was always focused around me.

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#31

30 People Reveal The Reason Their Kids No Longer Speak To Them My daughter cut me off because of masks, vaccines and politics. My grandkids live 10 miles away and I haven’t seen them in 3 years. Thanks MAGA.

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4 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Absolutely cut off MAGA people. I challenged two Trumpers in my family very simply: read all of Trump's Tweets then come back to me. If you still support him, you really can't be in my life. Either you're a horrible bigot and support all that hatred, you don't care and enable abusers, or you wake the f**k up.

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#32

My daughter cut off contact for 3 years with no explanation. When she got back in contact she let me know she had been having severe mental health issues. A few months later, my son broke off contact with no explanation. 6 months later he told me he was struggling a lot with mental health issues. I wish I understood better what I could do to ease their pain. It breaks my heart.

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4 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Speaks volumes when your kids would rather cut you out than speak to you about their mental health.

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#33

30 People Reveal The Reason Their Kids No Longer Speak To Them I am/was a terrible parent. I rarely spent anytime with my children. I deserve my children not speaking with me.

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#34

Neglect.

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#35

My brother and my dad don't talk.


My brother can be an unpleasant person.  I don't think he got what he needed growing up because no one really understood what he needed.  He was frustrated and angry all the time and never could see people as worthwhile, he looks down on everyone still.  He could charm you if he wanted something.


My dad got tired of lending him money that he'd never see again and had to think of enjoying his retirement.


My brother looks at every vacation they have as money that should be his.  They are being boomer capitalists and don't love him enough, clearly wanting to see him suffer. 


I can understand it sometimes, to be struggling so hard when others have it easy can feel cruel at times, but mom still sends him regular money while keeping it from her husband, which is a fun secret for a sweet lady to have to sit with and he'll Still claim that he's gotten no help ever.  I don't think there's a such thing as enough help.  He needs more than we can give him.  He's not doing OK and I wish that I knew how to help him in a meaningful way that would stick.  


I would talk to him sometime, but he makes it clear he finds me annoying, and I find that unpleasant.  I put myself out less and less over time. 


He finds med mixes that help for a time.  Sometimes he's okish.  .

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4 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

He sounds like a sociopath. "never could see people as worthwhile, he looks down on everyone still. He could charm you if he wanted something." This is scary.

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#36

The people whose kids cut contact rarely have enough self awareness to comment on something like this.

I cut my mom off in 2020 for a variety of reasons. She got deep into Q anon / Covid conspiracy theories which was the straw that broke the camels back.

Prior to that she was a covert narc that got worse and worse as I got married and had kids. Tons of passive aggressive comments, never taking responsibility, criticism and complaining. It was exhausting talking to her and I slowly limited my contact.

Last time I spoke to her in person was April 2020 and didn’t hear from her ever again before she died in Jan 2022.

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#37

30 People Reveal The Reason Their Kids No Longer Speak To Them Was gonna say a whole bunch of personal stuff but will cut it at don't lie to your children then perpetuate b******t transparent lies while trying to reconnect.

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#38

30 People Reveal The Reason Their Kids No Longer Speak To Them I was estranged from my adult daughter for quite a while.

I know where I f****d up.

I wanted all of the control so she couldn't make the same bad choices in life that I had. I thought that only I knew what was best and forced my thoughts/opinions into every conversation. I tried to steer her clear of the "hard road," but she took the exit anyway.

I was a total "pick me" mom. I was jealous of her relationship with her dead beat/alcoholic father and resented them both.

I had to learn to let it go! This was way before "Frozen" by the way!

We have a pretty good relationship now. We have not gone to counseling, but we have spontaneous chats about her childhood/young adulthood. I can see things much clearer now and have done a lot of "c**p, I didn't know that," and heartfelt apologies for my honest failings. She's a mom now herself who asks me for advice, "gasp."

I don't think she really forgives me for everything, and that's okay. There's some stuff I don't forgive her for either. We have a truce and try to work through the hard stuff together. Hopefully, we will come out on the other side with a better understanding of each other.

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Me Oh My (He/They)
Me Oh My (He/They)
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4 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm sorry, but something around this rubs me the wrong way. She still sounds like a pick-me to me. I understand if I get downvoted for this, but some of those lines just feel like she's trying too hard to be "relatable."

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#39

30 People Reveal The Reason Their Kids No Longer Speak To Them I will tell you - my ex husband and I were going through a pretty ugly divorce. At the time, our daughter was in her freshman year of high school, she was treated unfairly by both parents. It was an incredibly stressful time for her and I was an emotional disaster. I was depressed and was having frequent debilitating panic attacks.

It took me 5 years of weekly counseling to dig myself out of the emotional hole I was in. During that time, I took responsibility for my behavior and treatment towards my daughter and apologized with sincerity.

My daughter has chosen not to go to counseling and still harbors a lot of ill feelings towards me, which I understand.

I try to keep the lines of communication open with her. Remind her that I love her and I am open to meeting up/talking whenever/if she is ever ready.

Sometimes I hear from her, most of the time it is silence.

She is an adult and has her own beliefs, which I respect. She is going into her senior year in college and I could not be prouder of her. She will always be my everything.

I miss her dearly, but it has been 7 years now. I have moved on with my life. I will always hold space for her and faith, that someday she will be open to taking a step towards reconciliation.

Until then, all I can do is hold her in my heart and in my memories.

To anyone who is waiting to hear from a parent: the love and pride for you is very much still there, it is most likely buried under a huge amount of embarrassment, shame, guilt, fear. They most likely don't know how to reach out or think you don't want them to. I am not excusing their behavior, just trying to give you some insight.

If you are open to it, a mailed card with a personal note may go a long way. I can't make any guarantees that they will contact you, but it might make you feel better knowing you reached out - just food for thought.

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Regina Holt
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4 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

yeah, I don't think my mom "holds me in her heart". Love and pride ain't there also. I used to think that I cut her out of my life, but I realized she cut ME off, when I asked her for something.

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#40

Let the kids be who they are. Don't turn them into a mini you. Or a version of yourself you wish you were.

My daughter once asked her dad and I if we had a goal or plan for her to be when she grew up. Happy. Doing what she wants and is hopefully happy at doing.

We did like the idea, but only if she wanted, of doing one rotation in any military for the schooling and traveling. (Hubby was retired Navy and she was a military child until 12 or 13)
She was hearing about all the student debt and thought that was a potential option.

We were also willing and sometimes eager to discuss anything she wanted to run by us. Pros and cons if she wanted them. Straight up support and good luck if that's what was asked.

The ability to admit our mistakes and apologize makes for stronger bonds.

To gaslight or simply never admit to any wrong doing will push kids away pretty quick.

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Joey Marlin
Joey Marlin
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4 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Sorry, but this reads as a 'aren't we wonderful' in a thread meant for 'we weren't wonderful and our kids went NC for *reasons*. Maybe it's me, because of how my father treated me and how my mother let him... but I dislike the rather self-congratulatory feel. Feel free to disagree - I appreciate we all come with different viewpoints and carry a wide variety of baggage or scars.

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