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30 Things People Have Had To Unlearn After Their Parents Ingrained Them In Their Childhoods
When I was a child, my mom always told me to learn to do math in my head, "because you won't always have a calculator with you!" Well, years have passed, I'm really good at mental arithmetic - but damn, the calculator on my smartphone gives me virtually no opportunity to improve in this skill.
Be that as it may, from childhood, our parents instilled in us many different points of view, advice and instructions, which may have been truly useful in their time - but as adults, we understand that it is unlikely that literally following these recommendations would have benefited us. Or maybe it even does harm. So here is a selection of similar stories from the corresponding viral thread in the AskReddit community.
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#1
The need to always be productive. There is no sitting down. If you sit down you can be folding laundry, organizing something. The house must be spotless the yard must be pristine (even if there’s only one person to do all of it) and time for yourself is frivolous. Anything short of this is laziness. The ultimate sin.
I’m literally sick from living that way. The guilt of self care is gut wrenching.
R.A. Haley 1 year ago (edited)
The story I was told at various jobs was of the two woodcutters. #1 worked the whole day through nonstop while #2 took frequent breaks. At the end if the day, #2 cut more wood than #1, and #1 asked how. #2 said "while I was resting, I sharpened my axe." Always sharpen your axe, friends.
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#2
That the number on the scale matters.
My whole life I agonized about my weight. My mom kept telling me I should weigh 120 but I could never get there. But now I'm almost 40 and I've finally figured it out. I can run a half marathon in under 2 hours and my mom still gets after me for my weight being over 130 at 5'4". I'm healthy and strong. The scale doesn't matter.
Luke Branwen 1 year ago
Being underweight is just as harmful, if not more, as being overweight, and yet skinny people aren't harrassed, shamed and dehumanized nearly as much as fat people. I wonder why is that so... I'm pretty sure it has nothing to do with the fact skinny people are considered aesthetically pleasing...
#3
Don't talk back.
I was just explaining my logic and my way of problem solving.
Sorry that it sounded like disrespect but that's your problem.
And my parents wonder why I don't share information with them anymore.
Because heaven forbid your daughter share actual information with you.
Richard Michael 1 year ago
One of the many reasons I cut my father off. I remember once when I finally stood up to a bully and gave him a verbal a*s whooping. When I got home they immediately started yelling at me and refused to listen to what I had to say. I was forced to sit at the dining room table from Friday night until Sunday night doing homework he made up. My father can rot as far as I'm concerned.
No, in fact, life experience is an incredibly wholesome thing, and the ability to learn from your own and, importantly, other people’s mistakes is a skill of critical importance. But at the same time, it is important to realize something else - any generalization based on your own experience may turn out to be erroneous. For example, if for some reason you are unlucky with online dating, this in no way means that others will also be unlucky.
#4
“You can’t always get what you want!”
True Dad, but you keep forgetting the second part where if you try sometimes, you just might find you get what you need.
ॐBoyGanesh 1 year ago (edited)
My grandfather would tell me you can always get what you want as long as you’re realistic & flexible with what it is you actually want. Oh, & to never confuse wants with needs.
#5
All unions are bad. (my dad).
Refused to work a union job. Ended up with nothing but a life of financial struggles.
He was not thrilled when I took a union job.
Twenty years in a union (private sector). Good wages, vacation and traditional pension. It was not an easy job for me but at least I have something to show for it.
WindySwede 1 year ago
What is wrong with more security, higher wages, vacation? 🙄🤨🤦♂️🤷♂️ (it's not communistic..)
#6
That I HAD to hug any family (or friends) who wanted to hug me. Everyone else's feelings were more important than my own deep discomfort. I was constantly being forced to show physical "affection" because not doing so hurt my father's, grandparents', and little brother's feelings.
It really got kicked into overdrive when my mother realized that other people were noticing me cringe away from even the slightest touch from her. Who knew that if you badly abuse your daughter, she's going to flinch when you try to hug her??
Captain McSmoot 1 year ago
Say that louder for the people in the back. Adults: we need to be aware of these little cringe movements of children when their parents are around. It's our duty to be their voice when their parents refuse the privilege.
“Almost any rule, any tradition and any advice from parents is nothing more than an extrapolation of other people’s life experiences,” says Irina Matveeva, a psychologist and certified NLP specialist, with whom Bored Panda got in touch for a comment here. “The only question is the volume and representativeness of the statistical sample. In other words, if the formation of some folk tradition requires the experience of thousands and thousands of people, then parental advice is often the experience of one person. And not necessarily of the same generation.”
“I remember a semi-fictional story about a woman whose husband tried to find out why, when she boils sausages, she always cuts off the ends. She said that her mother taught her that way, and then, when the couple became interested and began to find out the origin of this idea, it turned out that the wife's grandma simply had a single сasserole dish - a very small diameter."
“In other words, someone else’s life experience is wonderful, but under two conditions. First, it should not clearly cause harm in changed life circumstances. Second, over time, it must necessarily be subject to critical revision,” Irina summarizes.
#7
I was bullied a lot growing up. I was a miserable little girl who heard "Boys you pick on you actually like you," and "Girls who pick on you are just jealous of you."
ॐBoyGanesh 1 year ago (edited)
Laziness! The adults who say this are accepting it as fact so they don’t have to take action. You know, actually parent. They’re also proving they will not protect you nor will they take your problems seriously. Instead they’ll gaslight you.
#8
“What will the neighbors think???” 🙄
Nice Beast Ludo 1 year ago
Well as their neighbors, I think they should mind their own business.
#9
The whole make you finish what’s on your plate thing. Yeah I’m not hungry why you making me eat?
Richard Michael 1 year ago
This is a had one, but as I was 100 lbs overweight it is something I had to change. Now, I stop when I am full and if there isn't enough to save it goes in the trash. I've lost 90 of the 100 so far.
Another clear example is the famous advice of Thomas Edison: “Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.” Advice that sounds cool, especially considering the scale of the author’s personality - however, if you look at it, it was only suitable for one person, Edison himself. After all, the great inventor always suffered from a lack of theoretical knowledge, which he covered with an incredible number of practical experiments. Fortunately, Edison himself had enviable health and truly inhuman perseverance and efficiency.
#10
"Never do a job unless you're gonna do it perfectly." Now as an adult, I've had to unlearn all this damaging perfectionism.
#11
Typical religious fanatic nonsense.
-My role as a girl was to prepare myself to be the best wife and mother.
-CSA is the victims fault.
-What I wanted didn’t matter, know your place.
-There’s no point in educating girls and women.
-If someone is a religious leader, they can do no wrong.
#12
That it's normal to have something negative to say about everyone you know as soon as you leave any sort of gathering.
ॐBoyGanesh 1 year ago
People who do this are sad & gross. It’s such an abundantly transparent self-esteem issue.
Be that as it may, there are quite a few things in this collection that you may well consider to be sound ideas - even though some may find them useless. So now please feel free to scroll this list to the very end, comment the most interesting stories, and of course share your own examples of parents' advice which got only disproven by time in the comments below this post.
#13
"People making minimum wage are stupid and beneath us." "People on government handouts are a drain on taxpayers who work for their money." "Universal healthcare is communist and unamerican."
-My father who has never had a job interview or put together a resume in his life. He joined the army at 18 and is still in it over 30 years later as an officer. Whose entire salary is paid by taxes. AND has his healthcare and education paid for by the government.
It baffles me how he doesn't see his own hypocrisy. How he can think it's okay for these benefits to be given ONLY if you risk life and limb (and be overseas most of your child's life).
Sami-Jo Ross 1 year ago
Sounds like my gym teacher. Bragged about never taking a sick day, said anyone on food stamps was lazy and didn't want to work, and so on. Never mind that my family was living on food stamps because the only money we had was my pop's SSI and one employed income (my mom), my dad was physically unable to work and is still fighting disability 14 years later, and I was NOT AT A LEGAL AGE TO GET A JOB.
#14
That I was completely indebted to them simply because they fed me and put a roof over my head. As if that isn’t the absolute bare minimum requirement of being a parent…
#15
That I’ll quickly succumb to illness if I go outside with wet hair.
VioletHunter 1 year ago
This is reasonable in cold weather. Your hair can literally freeze on your head.
#16
“Everyone is more important than you.”
When I was a junior in high school she once quite seriously asked my best friend why he would be friends with me because she couldn’t understand why anyone would be.
#17
It is always my fault when something bad happens. Hence, I am still trying to quit my habit of saying sorry every time something bad happens or feeling guilty about things that went wrong.
Janet Sparrow 1 year ago
Not sure if you're female or not but women traditionally say I'm sorry for everything. It's only made worse by someone like that.
L. Murphy 1 year ago
They do ingrain this one into women don't they? I still get Gen Z girls apologizing for things beyond their control. I stop them by asking what they are apologizing for and often they do not know.
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Brainmas 1 year ago
My therapist said, "let this at least be the one place you don't apologize for having emotions," because I kept saying sorry when I started crying. It was very helpful.
R.A. Haley 1 year ago
...and your nagging mind is always there with memories of the last time you f-ed up *anything* even remotely similar.
Kerensa Scott 1 year ago
I say sorry ALL the time, people tell me not to but then when I don't and actually stand up for my self i am 'Aggressive' cant win
SlothyK8 1 year ago
I've been playing the word game "Wordle" on the New York Times' website for over 400 days. I missed a day when I was in Japan and had to start my streak over. I've only lost four times...until this morning when I lost again. I've been feeling guilty about it all day. It's just a game. But I feel so bad that I let it happen.
Marvin HeartofGold (she/them) 1 year ago
My husband did this today! Last week I put together our grocery order and missed something that he asked for. Today he's putting together a list and asked if they were just out of them when we got the order. Told him no, I just completely missed the part of your text that said that particular item. (I do the groceries while I have downtime at work ) He actually went "oh, sorry " I was like "What do you have to be sorry about, I'm the one who missed it!!" We both had parents who were always right so we both apologized a lot growing up.
sara fulmer 1 year ago
I used to have a "sorry jar" instead of a swear jar. Practically paid for car gas every week. Especially when you say sorry for saying sorry to much
Andrew Keir 1 year ago
Put the whole thing in the passive tense. "This happened, and we're dealing with it". Fix the problem, not the blame. Blaming is just verbal assault.
The Darkest Timeline 1 year ago
This is the inverse of parents who insist their child is never wrong and that they have no responsibility to do anything.
#18
Always think the worst it’s usually not that bad . I think they thought it was a good message but it actually made me very scared all the time if I can’t get a hold of someone I think they are dead or hurt. Or if someone is having bad day I always think it’s something I did wrong. I am trying to change trying to look at things differently.
Sami-Jo Ross 1 year ago
Had my first ever panic attack because of this. I was texting my now-ex one evening and she mentioned she was driving home. I told her to drive safe and text me when she got home. She didn't text me back and my mind immediately went to "oh my god she crashed she's in the hospital she's dead".
#19
I’ve recently realized how much of my negative self-talk is directly from my parents. Something good happens and I STILL get negativity.
Chocolate llama 1 year ago
Oh my husband grew up like this. He recently got a raise and we were already joking that his parents would still find a way to make it a negative thing and I'm not kidding, his mom really went "ah well but that means you need to pay more taxes now".
#20
That the important people in your life should read your mind and know what you want them to do without asking. Absolutely not true- you need to set boundaries, voice your concerns and desires, and communicate to get what you want. Not just expect people to do what you want and be mad when they don't.
#21
That I always have to explain/justify my mood if I’m in a bad or irritable or sad mood. No I don’t. Just let me be!
Sami-Jo Ross 1 year ago
My dad. He's apparently the only one allowed to be in any kind of a bad mood. If me or my mom have a legitimate reason for a bad mood, we get told we have no reason to be upset and he "deals with more sh!t than both of [us] combined". All he does is sit at home and play CoD.
#22
That when you injure yourself, it’s 100% your fault and that the immediate response is to scold you for being injured, and worry 0% about the injury for a second or two.
EDIT: I remember being at the fair one time and got lost for about 10 minutes. My mom just ran crying to the car because she used to tell us that if we ever got lost, to return to the car.
Pops was still looking for me when I got to the car. My mom’s first words were “your dad is gonna be *pissed* at you!” and yanked my f-ing ear. My dad eventually shows up and his words were “why the f**k did you get lost???”
ॐBoyGanesh 1 year ago
What is wrong with these people? I feel blessed to never have had such absolutely horrible parents. Just gross. When their folks are old and need care, I hope OP reminds them of this.
#23
That I should always smile and act as though everything is good in my life to people. What happens in our family should never be shared with people outside the family. That I should never share my personal business with anyone. Never be vulnerable or let people know they’ve hurt you.
Thanks for making me super stunted at making friends growing up mom. Turns out that talking to people about your life and struggles and being vulnerable forges deep relationships and is a lot healthier.
In retrospect it makes sense now how mom never had friends and still has none. She was shocked to see how many friends came out for our wedding and how much they genuinely love us.
#24
“The only people that sleep during the day are firefighters and [escorts] - and you aren’t either of those” I still can’t sleep/nap during the day. Lol Added note: The point my parents were trying to make - was sleeping during the day was lazy behavior. I didn’t have a night job (They used those two as an example) I was 10. Still stupid - yes, of course.
Richard Michael 1 year ago
You were allowed in the house midday at 10? Pfft! If I wanted to take a nap I would have to curl up in an old racquetball court, or, if I was lucky, go over to my friends house who knew how batsh*t my parents were.
#25
Don’t ever ask for help.
As an adult I watched the end of “My Cousin Vinny” and realized how that had been holding me back.
#26
"Show up at least 30 minutes early to everything, it's better to be early than late and they'll appreciate your initiative to show up early".
Turns out showing up before people are even ready is quite annoying to people when you surprise them by showing up early.
Tracy Wallick 1 year ago
It depends. If you're meeting someone somewhere, showing up early is fine. If you're going to someone's home, yes, being that early is unwelcome
#27
Not to cry because everyone will think you are weak
ॐBoyGanesh 1 year ago (edited)
If someone thinks you’re weak from crying, that’s someone who you shouldn’t care about what they think. At all.
#28
The vast gulf between "adults" and "children." I'm in my early 50s and I still think of other people as "adults."
Ozymandias73 1 year ago
It slightly annoys me when people call me "young man." I'm 50. Or when older older ladies are like "ohh, you're still just a babe." I'm like (to myself) Like hell I am! 10 years difference is a bit of difference when you are my age, but damn, I'm not a child.
#29
I can't wear white after Labor Day.
I can't ever weigh more than 120 pounds.
I can't go swimming after a meal.
I can't do this or that because yadda yadda blah blah blah.
#30
My mom put a lot of stock into people who had a lot of money, drove fancy cars, took fancy vacations. As an adult who is struggling to get by - I realize how ridiculous she sounds/acts. Your friend from high school just
Bought a $3 million house. That’s great for them. I believe they had a large trust fund. I have to work for everything
What do you think ?
Isa's left eye 1 year ago (edited)
If I ever wanted something, "You think you deserve that?" I would like to say that I'm unlearning this but it isn't happening. If I expressed insecurity, "God made you the way he wanted you to look, you're saying that he messed up and made something ugly and that is very offensive to him so pray for forgiveness." If I wanted junk food, "You'll end up fat like me and your dad, and have a heart attack at 18, and die young." If I wanted to hang out with friends, "You don't care about us anymore and all you want to do is spend time with these satanic school kids." If I was in a bad mood, "You have such an easy life, you don't deserve to be upset" If I didn't want to be touched, "You're hurting my feelings." If I wanted my dad to stop singing because I was starting to overstim, "don't bridle his joy." If I wanted to buy clothes from the men's section or cut my hair, "You're trying to look like a boy and that will send you to hell." Parents: Please don't do this to your kids.
Honcho Chorcoran (who/cares) 1 year ago (edited)
I'm very sorry you went through this and are still going through it. Religion is the biggest curse on humanity of all time.
Load More Replies...
Sky Render 1 year ago
My parents tried very hard to get me to never question anything about what made me so different from other kids. It wasn't until I was in my 20s that they even let me know about the existence of Asperger's (which I very much have). And any questions about my very strange crotch were silenced immediately. They never wanted to talk about why I was born in a hospital known for neonatal care over 150 miles from anywhere they'd ever lived before or since either.
BookFanatic 1 year ago
My parents never, ever, let me speak up if I had a difference of opinion. I'm not talking about 'talking back' or sassing them, but a genuine discussion. I learned to not argue, go along to get along, and do what people tell you to without question. Still trying to shake that mentality.
BarkingSpider 10 months ago
Same, no one else's opinion mattered and if you tried to speak up for yourself, you were selfish.
Load More Replies...
Logicgrrl 1 year ago
I suffer from what I call "touch hunger". I always felt my mom didn't love me like she did my brothers and sister because I'm the reason she married my dad. She was 6 months pregnant with me when they got married. Then when I was 6 months old she broke her hip and I was switched from being breastfed to a bottle, and since I was old enough to hold the bottle I wasn't held. My mom loved me as much as she could, but nothing like my siblings.
M O'Connell 1 year ago
I am highly anxious about unfamiliar places and situations. I attribute this to my parents saying that "We aren't THOSE kind of people" when I wanted to do something completely typical that I see plenty of other people doing. My favorite example is wanting to go to a restaurant galled Gojo's. Her response was "WE can't possibly go THERE." When I was in my 20s, I happened to see the place again and go in. It was a completely typical Greek-owned family diner. I could never figure out if her attitude was "cheap" or "elitist" or what.
Corinne Wheeler 1 year ago
My mother's advice when I was being bullied; "If someone hits you hit them back".
censorshipsucks 1 year ago
yeah lots of familiar stuff. Parents are toxic ... especially my parents generation (boomers).
similarly 1 year ago
At the time, I thought I had a pretty typical childhood, but by today's standards, not only I but practically everybody I knew growing up was a victim of child abuse, and probably a good third of the parents, if it happened today, would have been prosecuted for child neglect, child abuse, etc.
Lisa T 1 year ago
My parents were always negative (not abusive, just not supportive of me very often). This made me grow up to be a very negative person, but I sure as hell made sure I didn’t project this onto my three kids. The only downfall was I was still quite negative about myself, and my youngest (now 18) told me recently she hated seeing me talk about myself in such a negative manner. A lot of it becomes ingrained and a habit. Just validate your children’s feelings and encourage them in everything they do, even if they aren’t good at it. As long as they are happy, that’s what matters
Scott Moore 1 year ago
I understand what you trying to get at here…but many of these are incredibly overstated.
Isa's left eye 1 year ago (edited)
If I ever wanted something, "You think you deserve that?" I would like to say that I'm unlearning this but it isn't happening. If I expressed insecurity, "God made you the way he wanted you to look, you're saying that he messed up and made something ugly and that is very offensive to him so pray for forgiveness." If I wanted junk food, "You'll end up fat like me and your dad, and have a heart attack at 18, and die young." If I wanted to hang out with friends, "You don't care about us anymore and all you want to do is spend time with these satanic school kids." If I was in a bad mood, "You have such an easy life, you don't deserve to be upset" If I didn't want to be touched, "You're hurting my feelings." If I wanted my dad to stop singing because I was starting to overstim, "don't bridle his joy." If I wanted to buy clothes from the men's section or cut my hair, "You're trying to look like a boy and that will send you to hell." Parents: Please don't do this to your kids.
Honcho Chorcoran (who/cares) 1 year ago (edited)
I'm very sorry you went through this and are still going through it. Religion is the biggest curse on humanity of all time.
Load More Replies... Sky Render 1 year ago
My parents tried very hard to get me to never question anything about what made me so different from other kids. It wasn't until I was in my 20s that they even let me know about the existence of Asperger's (which I very much have). And any questions about my very strange crotch were silenced immediately. They never wanted to talk about why I was born in a hospital known for neonatal care over 150 miles from anywhere they'd ever lived before or since either.
BookFanatic 1 year ago
My parents never, ever, let me speak up if I had a difference of opinion. I'm not talking about 'talking back' or sassing them, but a genuine discussion. I learned to not argue, go along to get along, and do what people tell you to without question. Still trying to shake that mentality.
BarkingSpider 10 months ago
Same, no one else's opinion mattered and if you tried to speak up for yourself, you were selfish.
Load More Replies... Logicgrrl 1 year ago
I suffer from what I call "touch hunger". I always felt my mom didn't love me like she did my brothers and sister because I'm the reason she married my dad. She was 6 months pregnant with me when they got married. Then when I was 6 months old she broke her hip and I was switched from being breastfed to a bottle, and since I was old enough to hold the bottle I wasn't held. My mom loved me as much as she could, but nothing like my siblings.
M O'Connell 1 year ago
I am highly anxious about unfamiliar places and situations. I attribute this to my parents saying that "We aren't THOSE kind of people" when I wanted to do something completely typical that I see plenty of other people doing. My favorite example is wanting to go to a restaurant galled Gojo's. Her response was "WE can't possibly go THERE." When I was in my 20s, I happened to see the place again and go in. It was a completely typical Greek-owned family diner. I could never figure out if her attitude was "cheap" or "elitist" or what.
Corinne Wheeler 1 year ago
My mother's advice when I was being bullied; "If someone hits you hit them back".
censorshipsucks 1 year ago
yeah lots of familiar stuff. Parents are toxic ... especially my parents generation (boomers).
similarly 1 year ago
At the time, I thought I had a pretty typical childhood, but by today's standards, not only I but practically everybody I knew growing up was a victim of child abuse, and probably a good third of the parents, if it happened today, would have been prosecuted for child neglect, child abuse, etc.
Lisa T 1 year ago
My parents were always negative (not abusive, just not supportive of me very often). This made me grow up to be a very negative person, but I sure as hell made sure I didn’t project this onto my three kids. The only downfall was I was still quite negative about myself, and my youngest (now 18) told me recently she hated seeing me talk about myself in such a negative manner. A lot of it becomes ingrained and a habit. Just validate your children’s feelings and encourage them in everything they do, even if they aren’t good at it. As long as they are happy, that’s what matters
Scott Moore 1 year ago
I understand what you trying to get at here…but many of these are incredibly overstated.
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