"I have a couples therapy session with my wife and her therapist" NO NO NO NO! I question the ethics of any therapist willing to do this. You do NOT give couples therapy to a couple where one half is already your client. You bring in the spouse from time to time sure, but you are not their primary couples therapist because you have to be in your client's corner. That's not fair to the partner.

That's a highly unethical and incompetent therapist.

I'm on treatment for depression for past 5 years. And , the worst breakdown at the beginning was when I ended up taking leave from work for 1 month. My workplace was extremely toxic , and family was toxic too, except my husband. I was bedridden, not eating food or doing my daily routines even. But with rest for 1 month , and proper medicines I bounced back. Im still working, at a better place, but get occasional breakdowns. These sort of people make it difficult for people like me. I've heard and still hear lot of family members talking about me as lazy. These sort of people just make them more sure ..

Unique perspective here: working a ton of hours can work, you just need the full support of your spouse. I'm currently pulling 75-hour work weeks. I've been doing anywhere from 65-75 for over a year now and plan to continue that for at least the next 2.5-3 years. My wife also works part time, but she's getting her masters and this is the only way we can pay for everything. We have 2 teenagers and spend a lot of time taking them to their activities as well. The ONLY way I can possibly work as much as I do while still thriving is having a very supportive wife. She takes care of a LOT of stuff with our house and the kids. She had to do two jobs for a year just before we flipped it, and I think both of us being able to understand both perspectives is really helpful. Anytime one of us feels alone, we remember that the other truly understands and is here for us. I'm looking forward to just one job eventually, but in the meantime I'm hustling and enjoying it still because my wife is awesome.

I would LOVE to be able to have a job, but I am working on getting mental health help. I also have major physical issues. But I at LEAST cook and bake very well, and also do dishes, and other things that make my working husband's life at home easier.

I WISH I could spend 5 years recovering from a burnout too! Goodness knows after close to 10 years working for a company that seems to care more about my performance rather than my well-being, I need it. But I know I have responsibilities and bills to pay and also I'd likely be bored doing nothing for 5 years. Seems like OP's poor excuse of a wife is just looking for excuses and her c**p-trap therapist is nothing more than a d*mn enabler. I hope OP drops her from his life and enjoys Baldur's Gate 3 with his friends (I'm aiming to get the game myself).

That is a terrible therapist. They created a situation where the patient will never function and they'll have a client for as long as they can get away with it.

I sympathize with this guy. If he thinks there's going to be some eventual "sharing" of the workload from that which is life and marriage he's not going to get it. How do I know? Because my wife is bi-polar and his story almost parallels mine, except that she has phases where she thinks there's nothing wrong with her and stops taking her meds. We've been together for 30 years and I can tell you there is no end to it. It's for life.

Truly wishing him all the best. He exploded after five hard years. He‘s still so young - not even 30. I hope he can regain his strength, health and happiness. This was the right wake up call for him as the situation would not leas anywhere. The therapist is the manipulating one and the wife is completely under her wrath. There is no way one person (he) needs to suffer that much, so another person can heal (which obviously is not the goal). I hope the wife can move on and get her life back up again as well.

You're not an arsehole, I would've left her way earlier.

Do some research on this therapist. She's milking your wife, not treating her. Like, is she even licensed? Or is this just a friend of hers she's pretending is her therapist?

There is something wrong with a therapist that just enables this behavior. If her mental breakdown issues are so severe she is INCAPABLE of working, then you file for some type of disability. Being Unwilling to work is different. If one partner is truly unable to work, then you seriously cut back on expenses to match the one income. That doesn’t mean don’t pay off debt or disregard retirement. It means cutting take out/premade food, games, maybe even ineffective therapy. As off the wall as it sounds, maybe there is something going on with the therapist. Seems too invested in you remaining a sugar daddy destined for an early grave. If you have life insurance, carefully consider the beneficiary

She’s defining herself by her illness and shows no intention to change. All she seems to be doing is superficial. He also sadly et it go for too long. If she doesn’t start to seriously make some visible effort to improve I don’t see how they will last as a couple. And if he leaves she will forever be a victim in her own eyes. Sad sad sad situation

If she's in the US and truly unable to recover from her mental health issues, she can get SSD too. Like she's just not willing to do anything. Sounds like a spoiled child.

The wife needs a better therapist if after 5 years she’s still a mental basket case Sounds like the “therapist” figured a sick patient is a good patient for business. And the wife sees a free ticket to do nothing but use her mental Illness as a crutch and her therapist as her enabler. Only solution is get TF out of that sick marriage

That therapist sounds like s**t, tbh. It's been 5 years, and it doesn't seem she's made any progress towards any goals other than making herself feel good.

This sounds to me like your wife and her therapist are having an affair. Emotional maybe, but still. Therapist is as crazy as she is.

Who is posting for the therapist this guys wife is seeing, and sounds to be screwing.

Sounds like she has a horrible therapist, who would recommend that someone with a compromised mental state to not do anything. Not to mention 5 years of working with the therapist and her still not having the techniques and coping skills needed to attempt to work or build new skills. Finally, the lack of concern for destroying the mental health of the husband who is burnt out and feels unsupported. Mental illness is not someone's fault but it does not exempt you from responsibilities to attempt to adapt and function, or allow you to burden someone else for years without respect for the effect it has on your support system. I have had crippling mental health issues but the biggest motivator for me was to not harm those who were attempting to help me. Sometimes you are just not capable, but you don't stop trying.

Five years, therapy and still no progress. That’s failed therapy. Anything more than a year is long, she should have been gaining recovery. Please get legal advice. And get out from under the burden she is causing you.

I get mental illness and burnout is are real serious issues (I have experienced both) but it doesn't sound like her therapist is helping her improve much if at all. She expects her husband to not only continue to work 18 hours a day but can't be bothered to cook or help around the house? Both my husband and I work. He works a lot of overtime just so we can have savings and money to spend on vacations, our homes, or ourselves. He leaves at 5:30am every morning and three times a week comes home until about 8 or 9pm, sometimes as late as 11pm. On the weekend he works on or helps out with whatever needs to be done in our home, mowing the lawn, cleaning, cooking etc. but most of that usually falls on me because I have more time and am able to. A relationship is a partnership and sometimes one person needs more support than the other, but 5 years is a long time to continue to get nowhere. Sounds like wife does not want to get better.

There's a reason she doesn't want to change. There's too much cultural pressure to change for normal people. Either she's having an affair, is on drugs, or something else is going on. Maybe with the therapist. Idk. Something is really fishy here. Maybe she is just milking this but, to me, it feels like something else is blinding her to how obviously wrong this is and in my experience that's an addiction or hidden commitment.

So the therapist is an enable, because they clearly aren't helping but instead giving her excuses to hide behind.