hahahhahaaa this one got me!

*awkward silence*

Those guys are the most dangerous, actually!

apply aloe on that burn, oh,wait.. too expensive

I lost my faith in pigeons when I was three on the day a pigeon launched a missile attack on my ice cream right before a big lick.

Love this one! Next line: Oh, my plan failed.

Pretty fair question.

If he survived, then that is certainly worth celebrating

"Oh that. No idea."

Meh... Not so drunk. On the other hand, if (s)he would by licence to WinRar...

oh, if I ever go to NY again this is a no-brainer.

He's got a point

6'3" guy walks in to the aisle where I'm shopping, just as I finish using an extendable backscratcher to fish an item off the top shelf. He looks puzzled. I say, "Where were you two minutes ago?"

I've got news for you: if you're watching a couple break up, then you've got about a dozen cable channels

Me too!

I so need such naps.

people who listen to music without headphones should not be allowed to go out in public

Awwwhh mannnn I was hoping I was gonna hear about the brit

most of the time your the one to know it last...

That's poetry right there!

Hell works fine.

maybe he was a fashion critic, those guys sometimes have the homeless look with all the crappy trends they try on

So a street chicken.

This is like every conversation in my highschool

Clever but I fin people in New York don't have time for three sentences, hence the liberal use of the middle finger

Consider me interested!

i guess you wouldn't be needing toilet papers for that

That's a neat trick.

Honesty ftw :D

Honest person.

LOL! Totally something that would happen to my mom. Years ago, she was at a friend's house getting ready to go out somewhere and her friend was sitting on the couch. My mom went up to her and said "Come on! Get dressed! Put on some make up! Let's go!" and her friend said, "But I already got ready..."

How high that guy was?

Escape rooms are actually pretty fun. Just do it with people you don't hate.

Home is where the wine is cheaper.

i feel like this one might not be true or the mom was joking

Did they spell that wrong too?

What a good idea!

he can snapchat from Jail

If I were the person flicking the can I'd totally break into Hamilton

Come on, you shouldn't recycle condoms.

can't find another burn more savage than that

Aliens can find me by just knowing the planet, while pizza delivery doesn't even find me by knowing the address.

there literally is an app for this... sad but true

This a first time in my life that I regret not being stuck in a train...

hahaha! must remember this one

poor Dobby!

Technically every land is an island.

Ahh. This explains a lot of things.

Or hell, whatever you want to call it

This is my favorite one

God loves you

Bogus Groups!

She sounds like the sulky teenager in every 80s movie

Do you mean it gets better than that? ;)

One time I was the only person in line waiting at a register, and there was no one there to check me out yet. A woman walks in the store and goes "where would I find applesauce?" I replied with "I don't know." she looked at me pretty weird for a sec and then realized I didn't work there.

Ok but I've always thought it's ridiculous for people who don't serve (or aren't hunting at that moment) to wear camouflage.

New York CITY, please, there is an entire state where the rest of us actually don't think we're superior.

That would be really awkward at a family dinner...

Can't blame the drugs. That's what weak people do. Some of us can drink and get high and realize that you still have to act your age.