As a parent of two children on the spectrum, one on the severe end, I honestly don't blame the bride for asking that her sister not attend. Not only is it stressful for other people it's also potentially extremely stressful for her sister, who would likely be overwhelmed by the chaos that even a very quite wedding has. Perhaps a small ceremony at home at a later date for her sister to be included in would be nice but the parents have to understand that this is not just because the fiancé seems the target of affection but for the sister who would have trouble with understanding why she cannot do things her way at this time. The only a$$hole-ish thing is the parents wanting to force BOTH their daughters and their future son-in-law in a potentially very uncomfortable situation.

My brother-in-law is autistic. When it came down to his invitation to the wedding I talked to my future in-laws (his parents) about it. As my husband's brother he should be there. They assured me that the crowd of people he didn't know would only upset him. I didn't want to do that so I left it to their assessment. Your sister is not to blame for her actions, she has no way of knowing what she's doing is making people uncomfortable. Your parents, however, DO. It seems that they are insisting that the 'disabled' sister be put before anyone else and damn the rest of the world. That's wrong on so many levels.

The wedding aside, I'm horrified by the parents - this is just the first step in a lifelong process of making THEIR child another person's problem. It must suck to have a disabled child, but you cannot EVER assume that your other children will step into the role of parent.

Katy McMouse

Katy McMouse

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The bit about the sister experiencing momentous life events through her sister makes no sense to me. Correct me if I'm wrong, but if the sister doesn't grasp basic rules of engagement and is, through no fault of her own, incapable of appreciating those life events, how is it that her parents think she's missing out on these experiences? I think the parents are mourning this loss for one child, while completely negating the other sibling's life experiences.

I can completely relate to Michael in this situation. All throughout middle school and high school, there was a blind, disabled student who would always find certain girls, myself included, during his breaks and hug them or sit in their lap and lay his head on their breasts. No teacher, not his parents, absolutely no one told him that was inappropriate behavior to do. Everyone let him get away with it because he was disabled which made his behavior "harmless". But every girl he did that to, all said how much it made them uncomfortable but the whole situation made them feel bad and that they couldn't speak up. In high school, I had two friends dating and during a lunch break, one of them was sitting in the others lap. One of the teachers on lunch duty came over and said no touching was allowed. But they never, never said that to that guy who would always come over and sit in a girls lap and lay his head on their breasts.

i have autism, and i understand. it seems a bit unfair at first, but honestly, if someone can't respect boundaries, no matter the reason, you're allowed to keep them out of parts of your life that require a respect of boundaries

My 23 y o son is severely autistic, non verbal and has the mind of a 4 years old. I didn't invite him to my wedding last August - I would have been stressed to death knowing he was there... He eats like an ogre, jumps and screams most of the time and when he doesn't, god only knows what he could do without constant supervision.

As the parent of an autistic child, why would these parents want to put Anna in this situation. For the most part, autistic persons do not deal with change and lots of people. For my child even a group of five can cause a meltdown. This is a structured event and would be hard for Anna to navigate through comfortably. Given just those reasons is enough for them to consider leaving Anna with a sitter. It seems likely that she isn't going to understand what is going on anyway. Expecting her to go or be allowed is selfish on the parents part as well knowing the outcome will most likely be an unnecessary or preventable breakdown for Anna.

If Anna would be super distracting during the ceremony and the parents can't or won't contain her, then she should probably not come. The parents having a hissy fit is wrong. If they don't have a way to have someone else supervise her, that's concerning. I can't believe they've never needed someone to watch her before! It's quite another thing to put the future lifetime care of Anna on the sister's shoulders. This is really disturbing! It's unfair of them to demand this from her other daughter! My sister has a son who is lower functioning on the spectrum. He's invited to family events but if he gets disruptive she or her husband will bring him outside out of earshot. They've created a trust for him and when they are gone his care is already planned. They don't want to put that responsibility upon their other son. These parents are awful! It seems like they're blaming the groom but the bride has clearly made up her mind.

It's weird that only Michael is her comfort person...but idk

One of my biggest sources of stress for planning my wedding for next year was whether to invite my biological mother. The issue isn't just that she has a severe learning disability but that my biological father's side of the family, who I want no contact with, could use it as a chance to try and turn up. My parents had invited her before we had made a decision on it, but her actions since have officially uninvited her. I feel bad that she won't be involved in it, but it is a huge relief not having to worry about the potential drama if she was.

Man, what a really sad situation.

To me the clincher was the offer to pay for a trained person to take care of the sister. That seems eminently fair to me. It's at that point that I stopped empathizing with the parents. I cannot know many of the specifics, but I would think that with professional help and some well planned logistics, the wedding attendees could be spared a scene. I am also concerned about the disabled sister and the parent's attitude outside of the wedding, for they don't seem well equipped to handle her. I understand the drive to normalize the sister's life and have her participate in family functions, but if she were quadriplegic, surely they would make sure the venue was well equipped for her disability and they wouldn’t force the bride and groom to be on wheelchairs to "normalize" things. Still, I'd want to hear from the parents to form a definite opinion, but so far they seem to be in the wrong.

NTA I have long standing depression episodes and on a good day I dressed up, put on a skirt and went shopping with my Mom, it was one of those rare days I was feeling good about myself. Some young autistic boy put his hands all the way up my skirt because his father that was meant to keep an eye on him wasn't doing his job, I don't wear skirts any more because of this incident. It doesn't matter what the reasons are why someone is molesting another person, it simply should not be permitted, point blank. Nobody has a waiver to put their hands on another person at any time, let alone their wedding day.

I'd assume that the wedding and the reception full of unknown people would not be good for Anna. Any loud noises, or so could trigger her, not to mention strangers all around her. I do think the Bride is in her right to not include her, as she said that Anna could not understand why she can not try to hug or kiss Michael whenever she wants. The parents are being completely unreasonable here, and if they're seriously trying to give their other daughter ultimatums... Well that screams toxic to me. Good riddance. I do feel sorry for both sisters though.

Back to the two brothers...the daily went on a camping trip and the kid with autism had great difficulty with the change in environment, sensory issues, not having his "peeps", the people toys he played with every morning at school when I was working with him. So the trip was cut short. And my heart broke when he started to cry, saying he just wished he could have a normal brother. The parents of this bride are wrong to pull this crap on their daughter. More harm is done by parents who make excuses and doing everything for the kid who's wiring is a little different than theirs. The inappropriate displays of affection need redirecting. The girl may think it's ok to hug and kiss because that's what her sister goes when she loved someone. There is a total lack of understanding of listening happening here.

NTA

I worked with a little boy with autism who had a brother a few years older. Having a child with special needs is probably the hardest personal challenge

NTA. Very difficult situation for all involved, but the parents need a reality check. Michael is not a comfort object or a therapy animal. He's a person. It's not okay for Anna to touch him and kiss him. Just like it wouldn't be okay if the genders were reversed.

not only are the parents totally wrong, the BIGGER picture is the future - they are living with their heads in the sand. They NEVER should be the only caregivers for their daughter - she should be learning skills - probably in a group home for adults AND they need to prepare this girls life for when they ARE GONE. Totally NOT fair to assume your other daughter will put HER life aside and take care of a special needs family member forever. There needs rho be a SERIOUS sit down with all involved. And NO - she should NOT come to the wedding - too much stimulation - not to mention the touching.

It sounds fair enough for me; If Sister can’t cope with the wedding environment, maybe it’s not for her. She might not be held accountable for her actions but they do impact people. It also sounds like it might be a good idea for her to have a break from Michael and be encouraged to make more appropriate friends.

My female colleague was sexually groped and harassed by a male patient who’s parents are just like poor Anna’s. They were shocked and launched into a tirade that sounded almost identical to the one above. In my job I come across a lot of young adults on the higher end of the spectrum. 99% of them have wonderful parents like Terilee Bruyere. But now and again we get parents like Anna’s. The police were called and the parents given a stern talking to about how this behaviour could land their son in residential care full time if they didn’t take the steps to teach him boundaries

Bravo on her for setting healthy boundaries. Parents need to plan for Anna's future, because it will not and should not be with a sibling who has their own life. If they cannot modify or manage her behavior, they need to rethink who is best to help Anna.

I'm autistic, and I can see why she would not want her sister at the wedding. Anna not being able to comprehend boundaries or understand that Micheal is her sister's soon-to-be husband must make the sister and Michael both uncomfy. The parents however don't seem to understand this and that's sad. Yes, I understand advocating for your child who has a disability, but not going to the wedding at all will break the hearts of both of them for a long time. They can't recreate the wedding.

NTA. It's the bride and groom's special day, and it sounds like the sister would neither enjoy nor appreciate the event. She'd probably have a meltdown having to watch her comfort person from a distance during the ceremony and reception.