Woman Has Had Enough Of Her BF Repeatedly Drinking Too Much, She Leaves Him To Handle It Alone
Most people would do a lot for their loved ones, yet helping shouldn’t be confused with enabling or using another person with an excuse of being in a relationship. For this reason, when disagreeing about certain habits with one’s partner, it might be helpful to let them experience the consequences of their actions, rather than keep on solving the complications that arise from them.
At least this was this Redditor’s response to her boyfriend’s excessive alcohol consumption, as she set specific boundaries when going out and stuck to them.
More info: Reddit
A woman’s boyfriend kept overestimating himself when out drinking, so she refused to be part of it
Image credits: Faith Guney (not the actual photo)
The couple used to both drink in moderation, but some time ago the man picked up a habit of having too much
Image credits: u/daisyashi
Image credits: Keith Ward- Taylor (not the actual photo)
Image credits: u/daisyashi
Image credits: Pressmaster (not the actual photo)
Image credits: u/daisyashi
The man would be sick, lose things, and wouldn’t be able to navigate the bus system
Image credits: rebcenter moscow (not the actual photo)
The woman told her boyfriend she wouldn’t be “nursing” him and would head out every time he has over 3 drinks
A woman brought her way of dealing with her boyfriend’s excessive drinking when going out to the Reddit community online and asked if she was a jerk for sticking by it.
The woman shared that both she and her boyfriend are pretty social and extroverted and for years, there were no conflicts in this area as they both used to drink in moderation.
However, some time when the couple started going out again after Covid, the woman’s boyfriend began having too much to drink around a quarter of the times they went out. This would be to the point that the man would be sick, lose things, and wouldn’t be able to navigate the bus system.
After some time, the woman discussed the problem with her boyfriend, explaining that she would no longer be “nursing” him and would head out every time he had over 3 drinks, instead. The man naturally can drink more if he wants, but it is his responsibility to hold onto his keys, find his way home, and clean up after himself.
The woman explained while that it was complicated to keep her word, as her boyfriend would start arguing his drinks were light, some of them were just shots, she kept leaving after three drinks.
This sometimes resulted in the woman’s boyfriend missing the last bus, or going in the opposite direction from his living place. Eventually, the man called his girlfriend a jerk for being a “bad partner” and refusing to help.
The girlfriend kept her boundaries, despite her boyfriend asking otherwise or getting into uncomfortable situations
Image credits: Neal E. Johnson (not the actual photo)
Eventually, the boyfriend called his girlfriend a jerk for being a “bad partner” and refusing to help
As most articles about enabling behavior start with distinguishing it from helping, similarly, in her article What Is Enabling? Jodi Takhar brought up a common definition that enabling is doing for others what they can and need to do for themselves.
She clarified that it is different from helping, which is about doing for others what they are not able to do for themselves, and different from supporting, which is supposed to be collaborating and doing a task together without taking it over.
Similarly, Michael Formica noted that while a healthy relationship is much less about compromise and much more about cooperation, an enabling relationship is mostly about compromise – specifically, the compromise of self.
Hazelenden Betty Ford Foundation listed common codependent and enabling behavior patterns, which included protecting a loved one from the consequences of addiction as opposed to healthy support, which encourages a person to address their addiction and all of its consequences.
Other common enabling behaviors included refusing to follow through with predetermined consequence despite clearly outlining one’s expectations and boundaries, making excuses for another person’s behavior by explaining it away, and avoiding the topic altogether due to it creating conflict.
PsychCentral touched upon some key points of how to stop enabling behavior and these included acknowledging the problem, setting, communicating and sticking to clear boundaries, engaging in empowering behaviors by giving tools another person needs to overcome and move beyond the challenges they face as opposed to providing means and opportunities to continue engaging in self-destructive behaviors.
Redditors shared their takes on the situation
He has an alcohol problem. he's not willing to admit it. 3 drinks IS low over an evening, depending on the size of drink. But maybe one drink should be too much for him for a few months.
Yes, it seems unlikely that he's getting that shotfaced drunk on just three beers, presumably around 4% and US pints, so that's just around the drink-driving threshold for most adult males. The OP doesn't actually say that's all he's drinking though, so I suspect that's just the level at which he's no longer able to say no to another, and another, and another. Yes, he has a problem, the OP needs to either help him to address that problem or GTF outta there.
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Being a caretaker for a child or for an adult who truly needs help (age, illness) is one thing - being a caretaker for an adult who *intentionally* requires help is another. That's when caretaking turns to involuntary babysitting. Nope outta there, soon. If he won't act like a responsible adult while dating, don't assume he will when married.
If he isn't alcoholic now, he certainly is heading in that direction. Great that OP is not enabling him. I do believe the OP should find a good support group for friends/families of alcoholics such as al-anon. She might learn more about the road her boyfriend is on, what it'd take to navigate it with him, and make sure she takes care of herself.
I think she should just kick him to the curb, and find a grownup to date.
Load More Replies... He has an alcohol problem. he's not willing to admit it. 3 drinks IS low over an evening, depending on the size of drink. But maybe one drink should be too much for him for a few months.
Yes, it seems unlikely that he's getting that shotfaced drunk on just three beers, presumably around 4% and US pints, so that's just around the drink-driving threshold for most adult males. The OP doesn't actually say that's all he's drinking though, so I suspect that's just the level at which he's no longer able to say no to another, and another, and another. Yes, he has a problem, the OP needs to either help him to address that problem or GTF outta there.
Load More Replies... Being a caretaker for a child or for an adult who truly needs help (age, illness) is one thing - being a caretaker for an adult who *intentionally* requires help is another. That's when caretaking turns to involuntary babysitting. Nope outta there, soon. If he won't act like a responsible adult while dating, don't assume he will when married.
If he isn't alcoholic now, he certainly is heading in that direction. Great that OP is not enabling him. I do believe the OP should find a good support group for friends/families of alcoholics such as al-anon. She might learn more about the road her boyfriend is on, what it'd take to navigate it with him, and make sure she takes care of herself.
I think she should just kick him to the curb, and find a grownup to date.
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