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Many people agree that making genuine friendships in adulthood can be challenging. And if you do make these new connections, some unsavory behaviors may fly under your radar because they aren’t as obvious.
Fortunately, the Reddit community can help us spot warning signs before they cause damage. A user posted this question a while back, and it remains relevant: “What is a non-obvious red flag in a friendship?”
People shared stories about subtle put-downs, various forms of gaslighting, and blame-shifting, to name a few. If you’re experiencing any of these from supposed friends, perhaps it’s a sign to rethink the relationship and whether or not it adds value to your life.
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#1
You get nervous and have to be really careful what you say because anything can set them off.
Javelina Poppers 3 weeks ago
You know that little thing in your head that stops you from saying things you shouldn't? Yeah I don't have one of those.
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#2
The biggest indication is you go "ugh" when you see their name on your phone. Think about why you have that reaction.
#3
Always one-upping. This doesn’t refer to sharing their own story in response to yours, that’s pretty normal. It’s more about how you can never have the focus remain on you, it always becomes about them.
Rahul Pawa 3 weeks ago
I sometimes worry me trying to relate to someone's story comes off as one-upping. Seems like a fine line.
#4
Shifting the blame onto someone else each time it’s actually their fault.
#5
I guess this might be a little obvious, but if they do something wrong and end up giving you the cold shoulder because you get mad at them for it, and you end up being the one to mend the bridge even though they were the one who did something wrong... yeah that's a bad sign.
#6
Treating you differently when you’re around other people- acting embarrassed, disgusted, condescendingly, reserved. It happened to me personally and it took a while for me to understand it fully, but babes don’t stick your necks out for someone who wouldn’t even lift a pinky for you.
#7
They only talk about themselves.. that's literally the only noise coming from their face hole.
D. Pitbull 3 weeks ago
Yup... You ask them something like "What did you think of that movie?" they'll give you their whole opinion... and then just continue talking about their thing - they'll never even ask back, 'and you?'. They literally never ask about you at all unless it's "So, can you do this thing for me?"
#8
They don't actually bother to message you, if you message first they'll engage for a bit, but not actually message you first.
#9
Being interrupted mid sentence constantly. We all interrupt sometimes, but when it’s frequent and one is unable to finish even a story, opinion, or train of thought then it’s pretty obvious that friend is not interested in you, not really.
Kristal 3 weeks ago
Eugh, it is SOOOO hard to unlearn interrupting. Some people process super fast and can understand what you're saying before the end of the sentence and they are so excited about the topic they cut the person off. I'm one of those people but I've had to learn to let someone finish their spoken words so they feel heard. I mean, I've heard them, that's why I respond but they don't FEEL heard when being interrupted and I can understand that.
#10
Feeling like they're trying to micromanage you. I had a former friend who, among other things, would constantly be monitoring everything I said/posted on social media.
I already have to deal with a lack of privacy at home. If I can choose not to associate with someone who doesn't respect boundaries, then I won't.
Schmebulock 3 weeks ago
Hard to tell without context. There are a lot of really stupid people out there and we don't know what was being posted. You could be a flat earther for all we know and they could have been telling you to stop with that insane BS.
#11
When it feels as though you do all the giving and they do all the taking.
#13
Plans always have to be whatever they want, and they get sulky if you want to do something you enjoy.
#14
You always come put of an argument feeling exausted and nothing was really solved
This CAN be obvious, but it's also easy to write off as the conversation not working out. Getting to the root of the problem is important, the people who fight against that are generally going to be pretty toxic, whether they mean to be or not.
Vanessa MacKenzie 3 weeks ago
If you are always arguing with them (not the playful type) they may not actually be a friend
#15
When they're obsessively competitive. Such as when you share a bad experience, they go and say "That's it?" then say that their experiences are worse. Like, come on man lemme b***h about my cheating father who chose to stay with his woman instead of making me feel like s**t then rant about your grandmother taking your laptop away because you failed Science.
#16
When they can't keep plans consistent. If they're consistently last-minute dropping/changing plans, then it's a sign that you're their second-best option. You're their backup if nothing else is better.
#17
Unquestionable support. Some people I know have a very loyal group of friends and it drives me insane and I really want to keep my distance from that bunch. Because I know what happens if any of their friends once criticizes them - they are able to cut off friendship altogether at once because of that.
Most of my friends tell each other harsh criticism and insult each other all the time and I think we have much more trust in each other because of that.
Child of the Stars 3 weeks ago
Nope. There's a difference between "unquestionable support" and not criticizing. My group unquestionably supports each other's decisions, but that doesn't mean that we don't speak our concerns for each other's well-being.
#19
It’s not always what they do. It’s often times how you react to what they do. When you start overlooking red flags because you really like someone it’s important to recognize it and allow yourself to make a rational decision. So many non obvious red flags happen because we don’t want to see them. We are happy and don’t want to believe them. But it’s better to be rational early then realize your stuck later on.
#20
‘I seem to attract people who are s****y friends.’
Said to me by someone who boundary stomped, gossiped, talked about herself incessantly, Facebook stalked my other friends, got jealous when I spoke to people who weren’t her and tried to insert herself
Into every part of my life during the 18 months we knew each other.
#21
When they seem to have lots of issues with people they were friends with in the past.
#22
They love everything you love. This is one that feels good because it happens in the beginning of the friendships that turn out to be super f****d up. If it’s movies or music you have in common that’s one thing, but if it’s EVERY movie and ALL music you like and the exact same restaurant that you like THEY like as much as you do and OMG you like salting your food??? ME TOOOO!! Then that’s when you take a giant step back.
It’s actually fairly easy to create space between yourself with these folx. Just tell them you don’t like something they’ve already said they like. Or..say no to them when they ask you for a favor. If they take it super personally then that’s a sign they are immature and can’t handle a real friendship.
KDav 3 weeks ago
One of the sweetest boys I ever dated was like this. He'd say something, I'd disagree and give my reasons why, and he'd just say "you're right" and completely change his opinion. I hope he found someone who loves and supports him the way he deserves, but I'm pretty sure I would have made him miserable.
#23
They have another group of friends you’re never invited to hang out with even though you invite them to hang out with your other friend groups.
30ninjazinmybag 3 weeks ago
Had that happen to me only to find out I was never invited on a night out because she was cheating on her bf and knew I wouldn't keep that s**t secret.
#24
How they act around girls. They could Talk you up, or talk you down a bit in front of them for a laugh
Can be in good fun, depending, but there’s a hard to see line there some friends cross.
#25
I cannot really point out a red flag in a few words, because the red flag is often set within a specific situation. In my case, I had a friend who was trans, he was actually a she and I had no issue with that at all. She would message me daily to talk to me, she had a few mental illnesses as well - which again, I do not judge against whatsoever - and I tried to help her see certain situations from different perspectives, so I saved her from a few fights with her mum and other people. She would talk to me day in day out, even when my own mental health began to deteriorate and when she wanted to talk to me, sometimes I would let her know I was too tired or didn't want to right now.
In the end she exploded at me after I had worded an issue I had with her rather poorly, saying how I had been nasty to her and was trying to manipulate her. She blocked me everywhere after that.
I guess in short, when a friend is only friends with you for what they can gain from you and won't respect your boundaries, that's a red flag, but it's not always clear to see. These people can make you feel like you're the bad guy instead and subtly push boundaries by making you feel like you should be better to them instead of vice versa. A true friend should be someone around whom you can be 100% yourself, with all your quirks and flaws included, who respects you if you need to take a step back.
Kristal 3 weeks ago
Dude. The amount of disrespect of saying of once having a trans friend and then referring to them in the wrong pronoun makes this entire post hard to take seriously. I do not care if they did horrible things, HE is still a HE, whether you like it or not. HE is a c**p friend, bit by the sounds of it, so are you.
#26
They don't tell you things and you dismiss it as they're a private person or whatever and then you find out later that they've known something for ages that if they'd cared to share it you could have avoided some fairly painful stuff.
#27
They keep pressuring you to take out life insurance.
#28
When someone is more respectful towards strangers and other people than the people they are with.
#29
When they only make an effort when they’re single, and bring their partner to every meeting up when they’re taken.
#30
When you make positive life changes and they say things like “you didn’t used to be like that”
this is what a now ex friend said to me after I told her I had stopped drinking. I realized how much better I felt physically and mentally and loved that I was saving so much money. later in the convo she said we should go get bottomless mimosas...not to mention this friend was on the receiving end of some of my outbursts and said that her last birthday “was a disaster” when the only disastrous thing that happened was me storming out because I had reached my alcohol and social limit and was going to head out, and she tried to make me stay because everyone was Sharing Uber’s home within the hour. It was already past midnight.
What do you think ?
Mad McQueen 3 weeks ago
Most of my "friends" have just slowly stopped messaging:texting.calling at all. Only one does very seldom just to I assume string me along. I've decided being alone is fine. I don't mind. I know people I run into while out but not close to know their past names or birthdays or favorite colors. Just hey how's it going. Ok see you soon or next time. The last friend I'm just gonna say I'm tired of being just in your phone if you're super bored. That's it.
Mad McQueen 3 weeks ago
Most of my "friends" have just slowly stopped messaging:texting.calling at all. Only one does very seldom just to I assume string me along. I've decided being alone is fine. I don't mind. I know people I run into while out but not close to know their past names or birthdays or favorite colors. Just hey how's it going. Ok see you soon or next time. The last friend I'm just gonna say I'm tired of being just in your phone if you're super bored. That's it.
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