Hey Pandas, What Should I Do About My Relationship After My Boyfriend Didn’t Stand Up For Me?
Moderator’s note:
If you find yourself disagreeing with this person’s actions, we encourage you not to downvote the post. Instead, kindly express your opinions in the comments. We recommend maintaining politeness and articulating your thoughts with well-constructed arguments.
I have worked for large international companies all my life as an upper-management executive assistant. I would have liked to get a bachelor’s degree when I was a young adult, but my mother died of cancer when I was 17 years old, and I had to provide for my younger sister because my father stopped buying groceries.
So, I worked hard all my life, climbing up the administrative support ladder all the way to the top, but I still felt unfulfilled. I waited for my three children to be older (teenagers) to take university classes at night and pursue a bachelor’s degree in business management. That didn’t sit well with my ex-husband (my children’s father), and we ended up getting a divorce. I obtained a certificate in business management, but that deterred me from pursuing a full bachelor’s degree at that time.
I then met another man, and my children and I moved in with him. It’s been 8 years of ups and downs, as he himself has three younger children. We still manage our finances separately.
A few months ago, I started experiencing major burnout at work (in a big pharma company) because I felt stuck in this executive assistant role, so I am on sick leave now.
My boyfriend started a construction company a few years ago
Image credits: Daniel McCullough (not the actual photo)
I helped him by setting up all the administration and marketing aspects and supported him financially while he studied to get his general contractor license.
Six months ago, an old friend of his suggested they become associates to establish a construction stripping company. This friend had contacts to help jumpstart the project, but he didn’t have the required general contractor license, and a past felony conviction prevented him from founding a new company. At first, he wanted my boyfriend to adopt a passive role in this project by having his adult daughter act as President, but I convinced my boyfriend to protect his general contractor license by requiring that he be appointed as President in this new venture. So, he did, and they agreed and became partners.
Lately, they have experienced management challenges and financial losses, as they lack the knowledge and experience. I gave them some advice that helped them solve some problems, but I won’t work on structuring this multi-million-dollar company while I’m on sick leave and for no pay. So, they offered me a permanent consultant job on their payroll. It should be noted that the business associate’s daughter works as VP of administration in this company.
An employment contract was prepared to onboard me as a management consultant, reporting to the VP of administration
Image credits: Dylan Gillis (not the actual photo)
Since I don’t trust the business partner and wanted to cover my back, I asked that a list of my responsibilities be stated in the contract and that a provision be included that, if I was laid off during the first year of working for them, I would receive a severance package equivalent to one year’s salary. They agreed, and we signed the contract. Please bear in mind that my boyfriend also knows that my burnout was primarily caused by my dissatisfaction with low-challenge administrative work.
Lo and behold, 24 hours prior to my first day at work, they (my boyfriend, the President, and his partner’s daughter, the VP of administration) called me in for a meeting and informed me that they would require me to spend 20 hours per week taking care of the reception area and other basic administrative work.
The VP also mentioned that she was uncomfortable with the one-year severance clause in my contract.
I objected to taking on the basic administrative tasks that changed my role significantly
Image credits: Annie Spratt (not the actual photo)
The VP said not to show up for work. I am very upset, to say the least, since my boyfriend didn’t stand up for me in that meeting. A few hours later, I wrote them an email saying I would consider what my legal options are. I booked a hotel room to get away from my boyfriend for a few days and decide if I want to continue in this relationship or not, all the while still being out of a job with three children dependent on me. I’m at a loss. Am I overreacting, or should I call it quits with him?
Moderator’s note:
Please note that the images included in this article are for illustrative purposes only and do not represent the actual individuals or items discussed in the story.
If you have a comparable experience or story you’d like to tell, we welcome your submissions. Click here to share your story with Bored Panda.
Poll Question
Thanks! Check out the results:
14Kviews
Share on Facebook1. You aren’t out of a job. According to you you’re on sick leave from your EA role. You can go back to it, then job hunt for something that fits you better. 2. Whether Miss VP of Administration likes it or not, they signed the contract including the clause that if they laid you off, you get a year’s salary. That contract also describes your responsibilities, which they tried to unilaterally change and you (justifiably) declined to accept. Definitely talk to a lawyer about the terms used in the contract to determine if cancelling the contract is legally the same thing as being laid off and the implications of them telling you not to come in the day before your start date. 3. You describe your relationship as 8 years of ups and downs; you DON’T say you love your partner. I find that a telling omission. Add in that you chose to go to a hotel rather than talk things out with him suggests you have already tapped out of the relationship. Marriage counselling can’t fix “I’m done”. My ex figured that out when I complied with his request for counselling after I’d started divorce proceedings. The therapist listened to us both, then told me he understood why I had chosen divorce and his advice was to continue. If you’re done, don’t waste time or money on trying to fix irretrievably broken. 4. Your man is president in name only. He’s the passive partner his ‘friend’ wanted, just with a fancy title. You don’t trust this friend but your partner has tied his reputation to ‘their’ company, which is failing because they don’t have the knowledge or experience to succeed. Maybe they can acquire both but the whole debacle with your contract suggests they muddle through and aren’t actually willing to learn. I can’t and won’t tell you what to do. All I’m willing to say is you sound intelligent and resilient. Trust yourself to choose a path that works for you and your kids.
Legally, protect yourself. Find proof of your contribution, hire an attorney and obtain a settlement. Dump the "boyfriend". He's showing his true colors and will continue to do so. You're better off without the emotional, mental and financial distress he will inevitably bring. But get paid for your contribution - all of if. Anyone as smart as you has a paper trail. Anyone as dumb as he and his "partners" will eventually lose the business anyway. No point in going down with THAT ship.
Load More Replies...Whatever you do with your boyfriend, my best advice would be to stick with your current job. I got the impression that, while you don't love it, you don't hate it either. Assuming it pays adequately for you to take care of yourself and your children, accept the fact that you don't love it. Jobs are for paying the bills. Hobbies are for feeling "fulfilled." By the way, this story perfectly illustrates why business partnerships are so often problematic.
Indeed, a new business venture with by boyfriend could also be problematic.
Load More Replies...You sound you're not in a happy place right now. It's about work for sure, but nowhere in the text you write, I feel you're in love with your boyfriend, nor that he's loving you. It's difficult financially, you have 3 children counting on you, but consider how they might feel with their mom both unsatisfied with her pro and love life? You need a fresh start, go on if you're feeling you can do it (or wait for you to not need sick leave anymore). Although if you care at least a little about your relationship with your boyfriend, you must try to talk with him about it. Actually, the best for you might be to seek therapy. There's a lot going on, and internet have limited access to the required information necessary to share good advice. Take care
Thank you for your advice. I intend on suggesting we see a mariage counselor, but I certainly feel unconsidered and let down to a point where I question if it’s worth it…
Load More Replies...1. You aren’t out of a job. According to you you’re on sick leave from your EA role. You can go back to it, then job hunt for something that fits you better. 2. Whether Miss VP of Administration likes it or not, they signed the contract including the clause that if they laid you off, you get a year’s salary. That contract also describes your responsibilities, which they tried to unilaterally change and you (justifiably) declined to accept. Definitely talk to a lawyer about the terms used in the contract to determine if cancelling the contract is legally the same thing as being laid off and the implications of them telling you not to come in the day before your start date. 3. You describe your relationship as 8 years of ups and downs; you DON’T say you love your partner. I find that a telling omission. Add in that you chose to go to a hotel rather than talk things out with him suggests you have already tapped out of the relationship. Marriage counselling can’t fix “I’m done”. My ex figured that out when I complied with his request for counselling after I’d started divorce proceedings. The therapist listened to us both, then told me he understood why I had chosen divorce and his advice was to continue. If you’re done, don’t waste time or money on trying to fix irretrievably broken. 4. Your man is president in name only. He’s the passive partner his ‘friend’ wanted, just with a fancy title. You don’t trust this friend but your partner has tied his reputation to ‘their’ company, which is failing because they don’t have the knowledge or experience to succeed. Maybe they can acquire both but the whole debacle with your contract suggests they muddle through and aren’t actually willing to learn. I can’t and won’t tell you what to do. All I’m willing to say is you sound intelligent and resilient. Trust yourself to choose a path that works for you and your kids.
Legally, protect yourself. Find proof of your contribution, hire an attorney and obtain a settlement. Dump the "boyfriend". He's showing his true colors and will continue to do so. You're better off without the emotional, mental and financial distress he will inevitably bring. But get paid for your contribution - all of if. Anyone as smart as you has a paper trail. Anyone as dumb as he and his "partners" will eventually lose the business anyway. No point in going down with THAT ship.
Load More Replies...Whatever you do with your boyfriend, my best advice would be to stick with your current job. I got the impression that, while you don't love it, you don't hate it either. Assuming it pays adequately for you to take care of yourself and your children, accept the fact that you don't love it. Jobs are for paying the bills. Hobbies are for feeling "fulfilled." By the way, this story perfectly illustrates why business partnerships are so often problematic.
Indeed, a new business venture with by boyfriend could also be problematic.
Load More Replies...You sound you're not in a happy place right now. It's about work for sure, but nowhere in the text you write, I feel you're in love with your boyfriend, nor that he's loving you. It's difficult financially, you have 3 children counting on you, but consider how they might feel with their mom both unsatisfied with her pro and love life? You need a fresh start, go on if you're feeling you can do it (or wait for you to not need sick leave anymore). Although if you care at least a little about your relationship with your boyfriend, you must try to talk with him about it. Actually, the best for you might be to seek therapy. There's a lot going on, and internet have limited access to the required information necessary to share good advice. Take care
Thank you for your advice. I intend on suggesting we see a mariage counselor, but I certainly feel unconsidered and let down to a point where I question if it’s worth it…
Load More Replies...
20
32