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“How The Hell Is There Sand In Here?” And 24 More Stories Of Doctors Not Holding Back With Language
Many years ago on some internet forum (yes, very many years ago!), I read a humorous collection of "words you wouldn't want to hear from a doctor on the operating table." There were things like, "Accept my sacrifice, oh Dark Lord!" or "Okay kitty, stop meowing, here's a piece of meat for you!"
I thought it was very funny until, many years later, when the doctor was pumping fluid out of my knee, she uttered thoughtfully: "Damn, how funnily the syringe swings..." After that, I realized that a good doctor for me is a silent doctor. Well, some characters in this collection will agree with me, and some will definitely not. Anyway, let's just read on.
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#1
I asked my doctor, who had just performed brain surgery on me, how he got inside my head. He literally giggled, rubbed his hands together and said, “Power tools.”.
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#2
Not to me but years ago I drove my Dad to the doctors and we went in the room.
Doctor: What can I do for you Mr X
Dad. I just haven't been feeling myself lately.
Doctor. I'm glad it's a filthy habit.
I almost choked laughing.
#3
An old doctor gave me a hearing exam, and said I “have the ears of a German shepherd.”
Then he paused and said “your hearing is pretty good too.”
Doctor dad jokes….
#4
We got your blood work back and it turns out that you’re a Type 1 Diabetic!
I responded with “yes, for the last 15 years, thank goodness I came to see a specialist”.
#5
I told my doctor that I was concerned about my drinking. He asked why. I said I drank alone. He said "well so do I, that's pretty normal", then I went on to explain how I did it quite often and always to the point of getting drunk, to which he replied "well whats the point of drinking if you're not going to get drunk?". I was in my early 20s and left there relieved thinking that my habits were fine and carried on. Almost 10 years later I really wish he'd taken me seriously.
#6
Told me my vertebra looked like someone put a saltine cracker on the floor and stepped on it.
He was right, but that’s not exactly something I wanted to hear in that moment.
#7
"If God wanted us to take pills He would have put a little hole in our stomachs," pokes me in the belly.
This from an endocrinologist who wanted me to stop taking **all** medications for at least a month before she would even think about listening to my concerns or having blood work done. After leaving me waiting in the exam room for nearly two hours.
"Disembodied voice" 3 months ago
Why do these people even become doctors? All that medical school for nothing.
#8
“You have by far the largest tonsils I’ve ever seen in all my years as a dcotor, I mean my god they are huge” then proceeded to show two other doctors, literally pulled them out of a room to show them. I wasn’t even sick they are just naturally huge.
#9
I had a female doctor bend me over and stick her finger up my butt to check my prostate. When she was done she said “Your prostate is absolutely wonderful! No enlargement at all. It’s absolutely fantastic! GOOD FOR YOU!”
She did this with the same voice and look on her face that one would give to someone who just performed a symphonic masterpiece. I felt so accomplished.
I’m sorry she left the practice.
#10
I saw a specialist following a serious arm injury. He looked me up and down, glancing at my pink and blonde hair, and muttered with an eyebrow raised, "Huh. That's an... interesting color."
This wouldn't be at all strange if his own hair wasn't BRIGHT BLUE.
#11
I broke my arm in 3 places in 4th grade. The doctor asked me if I wanted to have any pain meds before they set my arm and immediately warned me that it’d be through a huge needle that would hurt as much as setting my arm. So I passed on the pain meds and then passed out from the pain when they yanked on my arm to straighten it out.
Doctors in the 70s acted like pain meds were made out of gold.
#12
I had an MRI of my knee. Doc said two things that were unusual.
“I’ve never seen them use the word macerated to describe someone’s knee before.”
And
“How did you break your leg?” (I was not aware that I had broken my leg).
#13
“How the hell is there sand in here?”
Got really hurt at the beach and had busted an eardrum. Went to the ER was told my ear was fine. Got back in my home state and went to an ENT doctor, had about 7 pieces of sand embedded in the membrane of my eardrum.
#15
"we think you might have lymphoma, but that's the cancer you want, either we'll cure it or it will just [end] you, no hanging around".
#16
To repeatedly hit my wrist with a Bible to get rid of some fluid buildup (a Ganglion)
And it worked, too. (Any heavy book or hard object could work, he just advised a Bible).
#17
-To stockpile my unused prescription meds instead of disposing of them because one day I might need to trade them for food or ammo.
-Eat more Wonder Bread.
#19
I'm split between (both were female doctors):
"Could you move them (my balls) out of the way?"
or
"Sorry to lay on you, but I have a better access in this position".
#20
In the ER about 2am, he didn't speak English very well. Starts telling me about my CAT scan and the results of it. Me being half asleep, I stop him and him if they took me out of the bed and put me in a machine. He says yes. I said I'm 99% sure that wasn't me. He says "are you (name)?" I said no. He flips over the next page of his note pad, "Are you Skittlecar1?" I said yes. Ok good. You're having a heart attack.
Ended up with 5 stents and I'm all good now after some therapy.
#21
An older doctor was examining my breasts because they were lumpy and it concerned me. The doctor said ‘wow! Your breasts are just like my wifes … er I mean you both have fibrocystic breasts.’ He blushed and I just laughed.
#22
“Have you considered that you’re making this up?” when I was literally throwing up daily and in pain.
That was a private doctor that I paid good money for.
It took a kind public doctor to tell me gently that I must be extremely stressed and it had started to affect my body.
I was very young so I hadn’t found my voice to state my boundaries and assert myself.
That incident taught me to be just as kind as that public doctor was.
#23
"Stay here. I have to contact the state health department."
Turns out I had Zica.
dreaddoesstuff [he/it/gore/ze] 3 months ago
Here's a Wikipedia link for this! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zika_virus
#24
I got a vasectomy and the female doctor said, "you've got really nice anatomy," and I couldn't believe what she had just said to me. She followed it up with "I just mean your skin (on your s*****m) is really thin..."
Talk about a rollercoaster of emotions.
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