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Weirdly enough, little Johnny jokes did not originate from the OG prankster Mister Shakespeare’s quill - nobody is entirely sure where these jokes come from. However, we have an origin theory of our own. Wanna hear it? Okay then, but don't be too surprised when we tell you it’s kids.
Yes, we think that Little Johnny’s jokes are based on children’s behavior and thoughts since they combine naivete and straightforwardness. Of course, there’s one more obvious reason to think this theory isn’t far from the truth: the person of the hour in these silly jokes is, actually, a kid.
Scroll down and find our selection of the best clean and dirty jokes! Don’t forget to vote for the most hilarious jokes and share this article with your friends who might be in need of comic relief.
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#1
This week in Little Johnny’s English class, they were learning about punctuation. When they got to periods, Johnny asked, “Why are periods so important?” The teacher informed him and asked why he wanted to know. He said, “When my sister told us that she missed a period, my father began yelling, and my mom passed out.”
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#2
Some of the older neighbourhood boys have been making fun of Little Johnny lately. There latest trick is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime. Johnny always takes the nickel and the older boys laugh at him.
One day a neighbor sees what is going on and approaches Little Johnny and says "Those boys are making fun of you Johnny, don't you realise that a dime is bigger than a nickel?"
Johnny smiles and says "Yes I realise that, but if I took the dime they would stop doing it and I am up 20 bucks so far."
#3
Little Johnny asks the teacher, “Can I be punished for something I haven’t done?”
The teacher is shocked. “Of course not, Johnny! That would be very unfair!”
Johnny is relieved. “That’s good to know,” he says, “Because I haven’t done my homework.”
#4
Little Johnny is back at school after the holidays. After a few days, his teacher calls up Little Johnny's dad to report that Johnny has been behaving badly at school. His dad says to the teacher "Hang on a minute, I had Johnny at home with me for 2 months and I never phoned you once when he misbehaved."
#5
Little Johnny's teacher is doing her rounds at lunchtime when she sees little Johnny pulling faces at another child. She starts to talk sternly to Little Johnny and says "Johnny when I was a young girl I was told that if I made ugly faces and the wind changed, my face would stay that way."
Little Johnny looks up to her and says "Well miss, you can't say that you weren't warned."
#6
When the class was asked what they would do if they hit the lottery, Johnny didn’t say anything and laid back in his seat. He said that if he hit the lottery, then he would have a secretary to answer the question.
#7
During the concert little Johnny sits in the front row waiting for the concert to begin.
A friend asks: "Johnny, how did you manage to get a ticket to the concert?"
Johnny replies: "I got a ticket from my sister."
The friend asks: "And where is your sister?"
Johnny says: "Back at home, looking for her ticket."
#8
Little Johnny’s new sibling was crying and screaming for hours. He asked his parents where they got him from. They reply, “Oh, we got him straight from heaven.” Johnny said, “Jeez. I see why they kicked him out of there.”
#9
Teacher: “If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?” Johnny: “One dollar.” Teacher: “You don’t know your arithmetic.” Johnny: “And you don’t know my father!”
#10
Teacher: "Can you tell me something important that didn't exist 100 years ago?"
Little Johnny: "Me!"
#11
English teacher asks the class: “Which tense is the sentence ‘I AM BEAUTIFUL’?”
Little Johnny replies, “Clearly, past tense.”
#12
Teacher: "How much is half of 8?"
Little Johnny: "Up and down or across?"
Teacher: "What do you mean?"
Little Johnny: "Well, up and down makes a 3, or across the middle leaves a 0!"
#13
“So what have you been doing at school today, Johnny?”
“I don’t really want to talk about it, mom. You’ll see it later on the news, anyways.”
#14
The teacher asked the class to stand up if they ever feel stupid. Johnny groaned before standing. She asked, “So Johnny feels stupid occasionally?” To which he replied, “No, but it must be hard for you to stand alone.”
#15
Teacher: "Now Little Johnny, be honest, do you say your prayers every night before dinner?"
Johnny: "No miss, my mother is a really good cook."
#16
Teacher: “If you got ten dollars from ten people, what would you have?” Johnny: “A new bike”.
#17
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned.
Susie said, "He was born in a manger."
Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."
Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."
Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"
"From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"
#18
The teacher was terrified to hear Little Johnny swear. “I never want you to use language like that again. Where on earth did you pick it up?” “From my father.” said Johnny. “Well, he should be ashamed of himself. And it’s no reason for you to talk like that. You don’t even know what it means.” “I do.” said Johnny. “It means the car won’t start.”
#19
Teacher: "What is an island?"
Little Johnny: "A piece of land surrounded by water except on one side."
Teacher: "On one side?"
Little Johnny: "Yes, on top!"
#20
Little Johnny was sent back to bed for the tenth time that evening and his mommy is not amused. She says, “Johnny, if I hear one more time ‘Mommy, I want this, mommy, I want that’, you will be in big trouble! I don’t want to hear the word mommy again tonight. Now off to bed you go!” There’s a short pause, after which Johnny says hesitantly, “Mrs Lambden, I want a glass of water, please.”
#21
At school: "Johnny, where’s your homework?"
Johnny: "I’m very sorry, I don’t have it here."
Teacher: "How come?"
Johnny: "I ate my exercise books."
Teacher: "What?! Why would you do such a thing?!"
Johnny: "The dog refused to."
#22
Little Johnny comes home and tells his daddy, “Dad, tomorrow there’s a special ‘Adults’ evening’ at school."
Daddy is surprised, “Really? Special?”
“Yes,” nods Johnny, “it will be just you, the teacher, the headmaster and two police officers.”
#23
Teacher: “I hope I didn’t see you looking at Tommy’s test paper.” Johnny: “I hope you didn’t see me either.”
#24
Teacher: "What is the most common phrase used in school?"
Little Johnny: "I don't know!"
Teacher: "Correct!"
#25
Teacher: "If 1 + 1 = 2 and 2 + 2 = 4, what is 4 + 4?"
Little Johnny: "That's not fair you answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!"
#26
History teacher asks Little Johnny: "Where was the French – English peace treaty from 1800 signed?"
Little Johnny: “Bottom right corner.”
#27
One day, Little Johnny told his parents that he was ready to live alone. They were very proud of him and supportive, until Johnny said, “Great, I left your luggage next to the front door. See ya!”
#28
Teacher: “Where’s the English Channel?” Johnny: “I don’t know. My television doesn’t pick it up.”
#29
Teacher: "Little Johnny, you are late to class again."
Johnny: "But miss, you said that it is never too late to learn."
#30
Mother, “Johnny, if you keep being this naughty, you’ll get kids who will be very naughty to you!”
Johnny, “Oh mom, you just betrayed yourself there, didn’t you?”
#31
Little Johnny was struggling with his school grades. One day he surprises his teacher with an announcement. He walks up to her and says, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!"
#32
During English class, the teacher asks Little Johnny "Have you ever heard of the word contagious before?"
"of course, miss" Johnny replies "My father actually said it when we were talking yesterday".
"Can you repeat it for the class and tell us how he used it in a sentence?"
"Yes, miss. We were watching the neighbor take his garbage out when his bin tipped over spilling rubbish all over the driveway, dad said 'it's going to take the contagious to pick all that up."
#33
The teacher asked why George Washington’s father didn’t punish him for chopping down the cherry tree. Little Johnny said, “Easy. Because the ax was in George’s hands.”
#34
During parent-teacher conferences, the teachers asked the students what their parents did. Little Johnny said that his father is a magician. The teacher asked what his favorite magic trick is. Johnny said, “Well, he likes to cut people in half. I have two half-siblings.”
#35
Little Johnny is sitting in church and getting extremely bored and restless as the preacher's long and dull sermon as it drags on and on.
Not able to take it anymore, he leans over to his dad and whispers in his ear, "Hey, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
#36
Teacher asks Little Johnny, “Johnny, how old is your father?”
“He’s as old as me,” Johnny informs her.
“Now how would that be possible?” inquires the surprised teacher.
“Well – he became father the day I was born.”
#37
Teacher asks, “Who can tell me the chemical formula for water?”
Little Johnny pipes up, "HIJKLMNO"!
The teacher is puzzled, “What on Earth are you talking about, Johnny?”
Little Johnny looks hurt, “But sir, you yourself said yesterday that it's H to O!”
#38
Little Johnny's neighbor just had a baby. Sadly, the baby was born without any ears.
When the mum and baby came back home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a chat with him and explained how the baby had no ears.
Johnnys dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the hiding of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood and agreed not to mention the baby's lack of ears.
Johnny looks in the basonet and says "Wow, what a beautiful baby." The mother replies, 'Why, Thanks, Johnny." Johnny says: "He has beautiful little feet, beautiful little hands, a cute little nose, and really beautiful eyes. Is he able to see alright?"
"Yes", says the mum, "we are so grateful, the Doctor said he will have perfect vision."
"That is great", says Little Johnny, "cause he'd be stuffed if he needed glasses!"
#39
A science teacher wanted to teach her 6th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so she produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the teacher, putting a worm first into the water.
The worm in the water wiggled about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, she put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the teacher asked.
Little Johnny, who naturally sits in the back, raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"
#40
During a lesson, little Johnny yawns extremely wide.
The teacher tries to make a joke: “Johnny, don’t swallow me.”
He replies: “Don’t worry, teacher, I don’t eat pork.”
#41
Teacher: "Who can tell me where Hadrians' Wall is?"
Little Johnny: "I suspect it's around Hadrian's garden!"
#42
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, “No honey for you for one month!” Later that afternoon, Johnny’s dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. “That’s it! No butter for you for one month!” says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny’s mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, “Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?”
#43
During an English lesson, the teacher asks, "Can anyone give me an example for the word ‘COINCIDENCE’?”
Little Johnny volunteers, "Sir, my mum and dad were married on the same day."
#44
At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug!"
#45
The teacher decided to teach the children in her class how to count. When it was Johnny’s turn, the teacher asked what came after the number ten. Johnny replied, “That’s easy. A Jack.”
#46
Teacher: “You know you can’t sleep in my class.” Johnny: “I know miss. But maybe if you were a little quieter I could.”
#47
Little Johnny's teacher says to him, "Johnny! your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's!"
Did you just copy hers?, she asks.
Johnny says, "No, teacher, it is the same dog!"
#48
Little Johnny returns from the supermarket with his mother. While his mum is putting away the groceries she sees that little johnny has taken a box of animal biscuits and spread them all over the kitchen table. His mother asks "What on earth are you doing Johnny?"
Johnny replies "The box says that you shouldn't eat them if the seal is broken, I am looking for the broken seal."
#49
Little Johnny asks his mother for $20. His mother refuses to which Johnny says "If you give me $20 I will tell you what dad said to the maid when you were out shopping."
Johnny's mother says "Ok Johnny, here is 20 dollars. Now, what did your father say to the maid?"
Johnny replies "Hey Doris, can you make sure that I have a clean shirt for tomorrow."
#50
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
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