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Not everyone is meant to be a parent and not everyone wants to be a parent. That’s the simple (some would say uncomfortable) truth. However, not everyone agrees with this. Some folks believe that everyone should be a parent, no matter how much the idea of having kids might scare or push others away. However, being ‘childfree’ is always a choice.
Redditor u/KindlyYam6687 started up a thread on r/AskWomen, asking internet users around the globe about the “defining moment” that made them decide not to have children. Scroll down for their candid answers and stories.
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#1
There wasn't one. That's kind of like asking "what was the defining moment you chose not to shove a cactus up your a**e?"
I never wanted to in the first place. Not wanting to do that has always been my default position.
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#2
There is also no need to put more children into this world which is already going to hell, realistically what life will they have in the future? We’re over 8 billion people and not able to distribute resources. Seems a bit selfish to put more children into this mess.
I also like sleep, freedom and money.
#3
I was on my second date with my partner and he said, "Before we go any further, I don't want kids. Never have and never will." And I was like, holy s**t... That's an option?? It was so incredibly freeing.
We've been together 6 years happily childfree.
As we’ve covered on Bored Panda before, there’s a huge expectation from society that women get married, have children, and focus all of their efforts on the family. These expectations exist even in the West, in 2023.
Something else to consider is that parenting is far from easy. It’s exhausting. It’s financially draining. And though many parents would be the first to tell you that all of this is worth it, others might feel resentful about how much they have to sacrifice for their munchkins. So when they see someone who is childfree and doesn’t have to make the same sacrifices, they might lash out at them.
#4
I never really liked or wanted kids but I figured I would have them eventually because that's what you did. Then there was the year that my 5 year old cousin got a whistle in her Christmas cracker and blew it all... f*****g... night. My ovaries shriveled to raisins that night.
#5
Literally EVERY person I know my age who has kids do nothing but complain
They look tired
They look sick
They look hungry
They say they haven't had fun in months
Meanwhile I'm just chillin', plus I like having money :D Kids are expensive.
#6
Realizing that having children was more of a societal pressure in order to have "a fulfilling life" but in fact the things in my life that bring me fulfillment don't include children
The idea that everyone should start a family is deeply rooted in our society, as well as our nature. After all, we’re social animals, and without having kids, humankind as a whole wouldn’t exist. However, this doesn’t mean that everyone should be forced to do what society expects of them.
There are plenty of reasons why not having kids makes sense to them. They might want to have the freedom to travel and fulfill their goals, whatever they might be. Or they might want to focus on their careers and other ambitions. Others feel like they’d be awful parents because they had awful parents themselves, so they want to break the cycle. Still, others see the idea of a family as something that doesn’t necessarily involve kids.
#7
When row vs. Wade got overturned and it was my final straw. I decided that I would rather die than have to be forced if I ever did get pregnant.
Bree 1 year ago
Controversial opinion: I have kids. I wanted them and it was the right choice for me. HOWEVER, no one should be forced to have them. I am more staunchly pro-choice after having kids than before. It is insanely hard some days, and there are so many ways to screw them up. Pregnancy is also hard af on your body.
#8
I was like 6. Playing with my barbies, and my dad made some remark about how I'll be a good mother one day. I looked up at him and said "I don't want kids." then went right back to my dolls
Fast forward~17 yaers, fallopian tubes are removed and I'm involved with a volunteer team to help people worldwide find resources to get elective sterilization
#9
As the oldest of five children, our household was chaotic and I believe I helped my mom raise my siblings. I also spent most of my teens babysitting and nannying as a main source of income.
One day in college while on a trip with my family, my brother got lost and we thought he was gone. Thankfully he returned, but I cried for days about almost losing him. If I felt that way about a sibling, I knew I would be an overbearing, stressed out, overprotective, anxious mother, which isn’t necessarily a good thing.
By the time I was a young adult, I was exhausted from taking care of others, I was riddled with anxiety and had lived through traumatic experiences, and started to get a glimpse of life as an independent woman. Ironically I am good with kids, being an older sister. I love my friends’ babies, and I’ll be the best fun aunt one day, but children just aren’t conducive with my mental state and I prefer my freedom and lifestyle.
Raine Soo 1 year ago
I was a very young aunt. My mother expected me to be a patient role model for my nephew. I was eight years old when he was born. I was a child. She expected me to behave like an adult, and admonished me because I didn't, and I wasn't. I didn't fit her idea of what a daughter, aunt, and mother should be.
Meanwhile, there are other considerations to keep in mind as well. For instance, some people have genetic diseases running in their families, so they don’t want to pass these on to the next generation. Others might be dealing with mental issues or be so strapped for cash that they can barely feed or take care of themselves, let alone be responsible for another live human being. We shouldn’t assume that everyone’s life story is the same as ours.
#10
Watching a bunch of my friends have kids and turn into zombies who complain about having no life, no sleep, and everything that their kids do in general. No one is making parenting look like any fun.
Also, I’ve never liked kids.
Raine Soo 1 year ago (edited)
My mother used to say to me: "You have a problem. You don't seem to like kids." I was supremely insulted, but then it dawned on me that it was the truth. I made my peace, and replied: "I may not go ga-ga over children. But, I don't see it as a problem. If you do, then you need to deal with it." Did I ever mention that my mother was extremely judgmental?
#11
When I found out that there were only 2 ways the baby could come out, and both sounded awful.
#12
I felt like a burden as a child, like I was unloved and unwanted, and I decided when I was pretty young that I would never have kids because I would never want them to worry about if they were lovable enough
#13
A boyfriend (ex now, of course) mentioned that he wanted a kid one day.
I realized in that moment that I had never thought that someone would expect me to have a kid for them, and I'd never wanted a kid for me. I put a bunch more thought into the decision and got my tubes removed at 25.
Marcos Valencia 1 year ago
It must be having kids together, not "for someone else". You can be proud of your decision if that could mean you having heads to fulfill the desires of another person. Your children must be absolutely desired.
#14
There was none. There was just always an absence of a desire to have them. I never imagined myself as a mother.
Eastendbird 1 year ago
Yup, same here. People kept telling me "Wait till your biological clock starts ticking!" But it never did. Never felt any "urge" to have children. Had a happy childhood BTW. Enjoy being an aunt but just never wanted children of my own. Think about what it would have been like sometimes, but only in a vaguely interested kind of way.
#15
I've always not wanted kids, but the day that hammered it in for me was when a child was misbehaving in public and it took every ounce of my strength not to beat the c**p out of it.
The realization that I actually wanted to PHYSICALLY ASSAULT a child made me realize that I'd be an unfit mother who would traumatize my child.
#16
When I was a kid and my mom screamed at me that I'd understand why she was so tired, stressed and miserable once I'd have my own kids.
After that? Listening moms complain all the time about their life, kids and husbands. No kid deserves that.
Raine Soo 1 year ago (edited)
We're taught at an early age to embrace being a mother - that this is the way the cycle of life is supposed to be. But, let's face it: some people are not meant to be parents. And, why should that type of of pressure be foisted upon them because in the end, it does no one any favours.
#17
Raising my SEVERELY autistic and mentally disordered little sister who is 14 yrs younger than me from birth to 3 years. I love her and she deserves the best, and that best was so much better than me. I lost 3 years of my childhood to her, up until I moved out at 17, and I knew I absolutely would never have a kid of my own. To be fair, I swore off having kids when I was 7 or 8, but holy s**t did raising one while her mom went and got high really cement it for me.
#18
I’m not sure there was a defining moment. I think I just kind of had a sense from fairly early on that I wasn’t interested. And it’s strengthened as I’ve gotten older so I’m feeling at peace about it.
Not having kids is so much easier than having kids. Like I don’t have to find a partner in time, or live near good schools, or budget money for childcare. I just do whatever. Other than choosing partners and birth control, I don’t have to make any decisions around NOT having kids.
#19
Probably some random day after a solid three week migraine where I thought, “This would SUCK if I had a screaming kid right now.”…also, I was afraid of passing down certain hereditary things (migraine, depression, bipolar), as well as adoption was waaaaay too $$. So that sealed the deal. Been married and childless 11 years. So glad I got that hysterectomy.
#20
So I'm 30 now and I honestly just never felt the urge? 🤷 When my girlfriends started having babies and saying things like "oh I've wanted to be a mother since I was a little girl!" I never experienced that. And then my husband and I discussed it and felt yeah, we really just don't care 🤷 I love my friends and families children dearly but will remain intentionally child free ✌️
Raine Soo 1 year ago
My friends used to wonder why I had no interest in being a parent. They remarked that I was great with my niece and nephews. Sure, I was a cool aunt. The kids could come to me for advice because I wasn't going to nag them like their parents. Having been nagged all my life by Mumsy, that was not my style.
#21
Realizing that every time I imagined having a child, I instantly began also daydreaming about how I could get a break from it. Imagining who would watch it while I went out for some adult time, thinking of how I could still go on big adventurous trips away from home, wondering how I could not be tied to the school schedule.
My husband and I always talked and dreamed about having one kid, and we began trying for one right around when the pandemic started. Of course, I had zero desire to be pregnant during a pandemic so we paused for a while. Every time we talked about trying again, we always found some excuse to wait a little more. Eventually we realized we didn't have to have a kid at all, and honestly we're so much happier now that we've admitted that to ourselves!
#22
When I heard a child wailing in public and my first thought was "Oh s**t what's wrong now? No wait, that's not my problem any longer" and then a huge wave of relief came over me.
For some context - I was forced to help raise 5 out of 6 siblings from when I was around 10 to 15, when I moved to my own place. I did most things parent does such as nightly feedings, diaper changes, soothe them during the night, put them to bed, brush their teeth, take them out to play/for a walk etc. This experience taught me that I never wanted children of my own as I knew how much I hated it to begin with.
#23
I honestly don’t understand why so many people want them. It’s like renouncing to your freedom, money and life for someone else; I really don’t get why people would want them at all.
Little My 1 year ago
It’s just a personal choice I guess. To me my children are hilarious, fun, they teach me new things everyday and have brought me more love that I can ever have imagined. They are also tiring at times, impact my finances and may limit my freedom a bit, but that is a tiny compromise for me in comparison to what I get from them. To me it’s worth it 100 times over. That said I have enormous respect for whatever people want to do regarding kids, they aren’t for everyone and it makes me mad that some people feel life cannot be full and amazing if you’re not a parent, hopefully this mindset is shifting nowadays. I have many friends who don’t have kids by choice and they love their lives, I love my life too with kids. Different strokes for different folks!
#24
realizing that most of my family and personal health history is genetic. i have a lot line of mental health problems (substance use, anxiety, depression, ocd, ect), heart problems, diabetes, and other health issues. i would not want my child to go through the issues that i or my family has due to genetics.
additionally, around the same time i learned that i have thalassemia. thalassemia is a rare genetic blood disorder that can cause severe physical symptoms or in the event of the right combination of subtypes, certain stillbirth. while 1.5% of the population are carriers, only 0.3% of the population have symptoms. i have the type alpha intermedia, or hemoglobin H disease, meaning if i had a child with someone with the thalassemia gene, it would certainly be stillborn.
in conclusion, my genes suck, their genes would suck. that's just unfair to them.
#25
Honestly? Hearing stories about folks’ bodies being effectively ruined by childbirth. Episiotomies that go wrong, that kind of thing.
And then also just thinking about climate change and how I don’t feel like it’s right for me to bring a new life into all this.
Oskar Hauser 1 year ago
I hate how some people call women vain because they don't want to ruin their bodies to have kids. All the power to you if you think motherhood is worth it and it's true that our bodies don't define us, imperfections don't make us any less of a human. But it's not just about the looks. So many women deal with problems from holding their pee to scars that hurt. Our body is part of who we are and we should be allowed to say I don't want to damage it. If impregnating a woman put men at a 50% risk of ripping their urethra and gave them lifelong problems peeing you bet your a*s modern medicine would invest heavily into research to deal with this problem. And yet many women are still to this day hastily stitched up after they tear during childbirth and lots of doctors still don't give a s**t.
#26
Watching my mom get a 3rd degree tear in real time giving birth to my youngest sister. I was 11. Also Im the oldest of 5. I’ve already spent over a decade being a parent and I don’t want to do it anymore.
#27
One of the less complicated reasons is simply that it took me so long to feel comfortable in my body (and I still don’t most of time) I just don’t want to face that experience in my body after finally feeling better about it.
#28
Pregnancy always horrified me, and never felt the desire for a family/kids. I don't recall a time I ever wanted children. I at least never want to be pregnant...
#29
I get a defining moment almost every time I see parents with young children outside.
I’m outside a lot. I’m not a big drinker either. So it happens things that I do are often shared by parents with young kids.
And it never fails: every single time I see a parent trying to enjoy an outing with a child to care for, they appear to be in abject misery. I’ve seen way too many mothers and a good deal of fathers dying inside with every step of a walk they were trying desperately to enjoy, as their kicking, wriggling, howling child subjects each of their senses to torture. The worst is when it’s both parents out, but the one doing the caretaking is still all alone ( usually the mom, sorry, it’s the truth), while the other escapes into their phone a good 5-10 paces ahead.
It seems that *every little thing* becomes difficult when you have kids. Every time I see it, it cements my choice.
#30
I remember being at a water park when I was around 8 years old, and I was so annoyed with the smaller kids. I knew then that I didn’t want any
What do you think ?
Casey McAlister 1 year ago
First, I decided I'm never going to have biological children. Everything about pregnancy and birthgiving just gives me heebie-jeebies, plus I don't really see a point o bring another person to the world when there are so many children who need a family, but don't have one. Then, I realized I'm just not cut out for this, I don't really like children, I'm not interested in raising them, so it would be much better to leave to people who truly want it.
The Other Guest 1 year ago
I've said it before, and I'm saying it again: Kids are like tarantulas. I don't particularly dislike them, but I don't want them running around my living room, either.
Little Wonder 1 year ago
I was 15, my first boyfriend told me we'd have to have kids to carry on his family name and without even thinking I said "I don't want kids" and as soon as I said it I felt like the sun came out because I hadn't really realised it was even an option to NOT have them. Also my Aunt, who never had children,r ecently died. Surrounded by friends and family so the whole "you're gunna die alone!" isn't always true either.
Casey McAlister 1 year ago
First, I decided I'm never going to have biological children. Everything about pregnancy and birthgiving just gives me heebie-jeebies, plus I don't really see a point o bring another person to the world when there are so many children who need a family, but don't have one. Then, I realized I'm just not cut out for this, I don't really like children, I'm not interested in raising them, so it would be much better to leave to people who truly want it.
The Other Guest 1 year ago
I've said it before, and I'm saying it again: Kids are like tarantulas. I don't particularly dislike them, but I don't want them running around my living room, either.
Little Wonder 1 year ago
I was 15, my first boyfriend told me we'd have to have kids to carry on his family name and without even thinking I said "I don't want kids" and as soon as I said it I felt like the sun came out because I hadn't really realised it was even an option to NOT have them. Also my Aunt, who never had children,r ecently died. Surrounded by friends and family so the whole "you're gunna die alone!" isn't always true either.
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