The star of today’s article is a stepmom to a teen. The girl’s 18th birthday was coming up, and she was in charge of organizing a party, but everything changed when her husband’s ex decided to lash out at him for not being able to afford to buy his offspring $5K worth of gifts.

Woman gets put in charge of organizing her stepdaughter’s 18th birthday party

Later on, a quarrel ensues regarding her husband’s inability to buy his offspring $5K worth of gifts

“AITA for canceling [my] stepdaughter’s birthday party?” – this internet user took to one of Reddit’s most judgmental communities to ask its members if she’s indeed a jerk for calling off her stepdaughter’s 18th birthday party over a spat with her mom. The post managed to garner nearly 4K upvotes as well as 614 comments discussing the situation.

Getting into a committed relationship is challenging in itself, but when you’ve also got to think about building a sturdy connection with your loved one’s children – chances are, there’ll be a couple of bumpy roads ahead.

Stepparenting is a tough gig. You have to understand and follow any set boundaries, leave the decisions to the child’s biological parents, and endure potential blame; the list is never-ending, really – however, you know what they say, with hard work comes great reward!

Most of the time, people are happy to coexist with each other, but crazy exes are still a thing – take the original poster’s situation, for instance. Although we don’t know the full story, nor can we be sure that everything that was said wasn’t sugarcoated – having to defend your partner from his former wife who blasted him for not being able to afford to spend a fortune on gifts for his daughter is a bit too much, to say the least.

The author spent her sweet time and money trying to plan the perfect 18th birthday for her stepkid but instead got disinvited purely for trying to put her husband’s cussing ex in her place, and considering how the teen wasn’t even around during the altercation – it’s safe to assume that her mother could’ve potentially exaggerated the event.

And when somebody tells you that you’re no longer welcome since you make them feel “uncomfortable” despite all your efforts – naturally, your first instinct is to scrap it all, as why would you pay for a party that you were uninvited from?

The kid learns about the fight and disinvites her stepmom from the party

To get a more professional outlook on stepparenting, Bored Panda decided to reach out to a couple of experts. Our first specialist is Angele Suarez, who is a licensed clinical social worker with 23 years of experience working with family dynamics and parenting issues. Before we jump in, if any of our readers are interested in finding out more about parent-teen relationships, Angele recently co-authored a book that will be coming out in July called “Living and Thriving: the Parent-Teen Relationship,” which also includes a section on stepparenting teenagers – so, keep an eye on her website for further updates!

BP also contacted Dr. Mecca Major-Martin, a licensed marriage and family therapist with a Ph.D. in forensic psychology. In the past, Mecca has worked as a Functional Family Therapist (FFT) supervisor and served as a probation and parole coordinator.

Our first question was why being a stepparent is so difficult, to which Angele responded: “Being a stepparent is difficult for many reasons. You may not have an established role in the family structure yet. I encourage all new stepfamilies to start with the stepparent and biological parent doing things together, allowing for this role and relationship with the children to develop. It can also be difficult if the other biological parent is not supporting your new role in their children’s life. I tell parents in co-parenting situations that they should think about a stepparent as one more person who can show love to their child.” 

We then asked Angele how to be a good stepparent: “Being a good step-parent means having patience. You must earn a role in the child’s life before you can be a part of their guidance and support in life.” 

Finally, the expert said: “Step-parents should avoid disciplining solo. Make sure you and the biological parents are on the same page before issuing consequences.” 

Which provoked the woman to cancel it altogether

Now, onto our second expert! Dr. Mecca Major-Martin provided her take on how to handle a conflict involving a stepchild: “Stepparents should want to be supportive of any decisions the bio parent makes, but also offering advice and speaking on what is observed is also healthy when trying to co-parent a stepchild with bio parents. Always speak to the bio parent before making any decisions on chastising and/or giving permission; you don’t want to come across as mean or a bully, and you also don’t want to go against what the bio parent has already set in place. The main thing is that the child can adapt and ease into accepting the role of the stepparent in the home by allowing the bio parent to lead initially and fall back when necessary, allowing the stepparent to ‘step’ in.”

Last but certainly not least, the woman added: “Be careful that the child does not feel ignored or left out of the new relationship. Always include the child in decisions that involve the family, such as dinner out, or ways to have fun so that the child feels included in the new family dynamic and this allows for an easy transition, but hopefully, this takes place before marriage or moving someone into the home. Typically some people will wait to introduce their child to a love interest until they are sure about the longevity of the relationship…so it depends on how these steps are incorporated.”

What do you think about this story, though? Was the author correct to cancel her stepdaughter’s birthday party, or would you have done things differently?

Fellow online community members shared their thoughts and opinions