Life can be full of difficult times, but we are fortunate to have brains that can develop defenses to help us get by. Coping mechanisms are important ways to just keep going when times get tough, but can become a crutch that can make it harder to heal in the long run.

An internet user wanted to know if she would be a jerk for insisting that her sister not bring a doll to easter. The crux of the issue is the sister believing that the doll was a real baby as a way to cope with the death of an unborn child. While not the most pleasant subject, the OP believed that ultimately, this doll was impeding her sister’s ability to move on but wanted some advice from the internet.

More info: Reddit

Coping strategies are normal ways we keep functioning when under stress but should not be made permanent

Image credits: SergioPhotone (not the actual photo)

A woman asked the internet if she would be a jerk for insisting that her sister not bring a doll with her to easter

Image credits: Fa Barboza(not the actual photo)

Image credits: Alone-Loss-4667

As important as coping mechanisms are, they can be unhealthy if the underlying issue is left untreated

Image credits: Tiago Bandeira (not the actual photo)

As humans, we often get caught in the dilemma of how best to help someone. Well-adjusted people naturally feel sympathy toward someone who is in pain. The OP of this story is caught in the same trap. She acknowledges that her sister is, to put it mildly, going through a lot. But it doesn’t take a licensed therapist to know that a realistic doll is not a good long-term coping mechanism. Professionals would call this maladaptive coping. That’s a pretty broad term, but one, very visible signifier is the avoidance or escapes from accepting reality. As much as we would like to ignore the facts, in the long run, it just does not help our mental health or functioning in the real world.

This is not to discredit the realistic doll as an effective method of dealing with a miscarriage. Just the act of cuddling it can actually release oxytocin and help the “mother” feel better. This is also likely why many who use these dolls develop attachments to them. As useful as good hormones are, the “mother” ends up stuck with a “baby” that will never grow. Similarly, she will be stuck emotionally and find it more difficult to get past the trauma of losing a child. But, as many commenters noted, you can’t just snatch it out of her hands without replacing it or replacing her dependency on it.

“Reborn” dolls can get a bit too realistic, with tragi-comic results

Image credits: wikimedia (not the actual photo)

As far as coping mechanisms go, a doll perhaps isn’t quite the worst. Some people turn to rampant substance abuse and other self-destructive behaviors. This creates a downward cycle, where the person ends up rapidly decreasing their quality of life, requiring more coping, and leading to even worse outcomes. On the other hand, some people employ humor, particularly self-deprecation to rationalize what is happening or has happened to them. Ultimately, healthy coping mechanisms have an expiration date and include relaxation and seeking out social or professional support. So OP is right to be concerned about the doll (not real human contact) but needs to formulate a plan on how to help her sister.

To readers who are wondering just how realistic these “realistic” dolls are, in Queensland, Australia, police smashed in the windows of a hot car to rescue what turned out to be a doll. This incident was in 2008, so you best believe that “realistic doll” technology has only improved. That same year, basically, the same thing happened, when US cops broke the windows of a car to “rescue” a baby that turned out to be a “reborn” doll. In an unfortunate symbiosis, experts recommend that owners of the doll treat it like a real baby. For example, they shouldn’t dangle it by a random limb or toss it into the backseat of a car, as bystanders might mistake it for a real baby and, naturally, become quite distressed. But this has the side effect of internalizing the parent’s belief that the doll is real.

Commenters were sympathetic to OP’s position but thought the sister needed more help

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