Get Premium
Dark mode theme is available exclusively for premium users. Learn more about the benefits of subscribing.
No fees, cancel anytime.
Dark Mode 
No fees, cancel anytime 
“I Am At Peace”: 30 Childfree People In Their 40s And 50s Share How It Really Feels
Interview With Expert
Some people spend their entire lives dreaming about starting a family. I had a friend in high school who already had a list of baby names saved on her phone and who would scroll through nursery inspiration on Pinterest in her free time. And being a parent can be a beautiful thing! Plus, if you’re going to bring kids into the world, you better be excited about it.
But having children definitely isn’t for everyone, and if it’s not for you, it’s important to figure that out. Middle-aged adults who never started families have recently been opening up on Reddit about what it’s like to be childfree, so we’ve gathered some of their most insightful responses below. Enjoy scrolling through, whether you love your kids more than anything else in the world or you always knew that being a parent wasn’t for you. And keep reading to find a conversation with Sweta Upadhyay of the Child-Free Blog!
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
For a while, I was a fence-sitter. It wasn’t until 30 that I realized it was even a *choice* and not an inevitability. In U.S. culture, marriage and children are a common life script. It took time for me to acknowledge that that script isn’t a good fit for me, and it didn’t solidify until my late 30s.
For a while it was money and security, as well as environmental concerns and overpopulation. But it was also simply a lack of real desire to be a parent.
I’ve often wished we could live multiple lives so that we can try all the things, but in this life I don’t really want children. That was hard for me to grapple with in some ways because I was blessed with great parents and my mother was a fantastically caring role model. But, my biggest reason for thinking about parenthood was fear of regret. That’s not enough.
Parents should really *want* their children. This is a whole other human being you’re bringing into this world. They deserve to be wanted and loved and properly cared for. You’re responsible for them, and it might not turn out roses. Parental anxiety doesn’t magically dissipate after 18 years, either. For the rest of your life, you are a parent.
There are also a lot of physical things that can go wrong with pregnancy, especially the pregnant person—which are not talked about enough. Our society holds a very rose-colored glasses view of pregnancy as glowing and natural. It really messes with people’s bodies, not to mention post-partum mental health.
A lot of folks will argue that not having children is selfish. This is puzzling, because those same folks will say in the next breath that having children ensures you won’t die lonely. If you *need* to be a parent because that feels like your destiny and you are full of love, that’s one thing, but if you’re having children to safeguard your own future… now THAT is selfish. Not to mention the resources impact on the planet, etc etc.
If you are unhappy, parenthood won’t fix it.
If you are lonely, parenthood won’t fix it.
If you’re following a life script in a daze, trying to check all the right boxes, take a moment to examine your reasons.
If you want to be a parent, that’s great. Best of love and luck.
It’s possible to live a comfortable life full of love, while doing what you want, while taking time to give back to your community, while staying open and curious and generally living a good life, without adding parenthood into the mix.
Penguin Panda Pop 1 month ago
This is the best post on the subject in this thread in my opinion
RELATED:
#2
So thankful. I would have been a terrible mother, but I’m an amazing aunt.
#3
I definitely think it was the right choice for me. Gotta be honest with myself I am a little lazy and selfish and while I think I might have been a decent dad I don't think I would have been a happy one.
To learn more about what it's like to be childfree, we got in touch with Sweta Upadhyay of the Child-Free Blog. She was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda and discuss how she feels about her choice not to have kids.
"Choosing to be childfree has been one of the best decisions my husband and I have made. We get to spend so much time together—just us! Our trips are all about exploring the world as a duo, and mornings are a peaceful ritual of tea, meditation, and a little garden time," Sweta shared.
"No chaos, no screaming, just calm, and a lot of hugging and laughing! We both feel that our relationship is stronger because we’re childfree. We don’t have the stress that often comes with raising kids, and honestly, I think we’ve eliminated one of the biggest sources of fights many couples have," she continued. "We rarely argue, and when we do, it’s never anything major."
#5
I just had three margaritas and am going to take a nap. Do what you will with that information.
#6
Kinda depressing, I want to be a Dad but I rather let my broken brain diseases die off with me.
"I was always sure that if I had a child, I’d likely regret it at some point," Sweta continued. "But not having one? That regret felt much less likely. Together, we’ve found fulfillment through our work with an NGO and caring for stray animals. The sense of purpose we gain from that is incredibly rewarding. So, for us, being childfree means living a life full of freedom and making each day about what brings us joy."
#7
Definitely no regrets. Having kids is something I never even considered.
#8
I never wanted kids. It was worst nightmare to have them. I did everything I could to avoid them, and I'm very happy to have done so. Now I just need my work to respect my off time and my life will be perfect. I have more spending power than everyone I know, and I can do whatever I like, and whenever I want. You could not pay me enough to have made the other choice.
Scott Rackley 1 month ago
I didn't like kids when I was one. I can tolerate them in intervals but creating and living with one? Nope. Plus there is an ethical dilemma in creating someone who did not ask for it, and can't be rescinded, with the off chance of having a congenital disease that would make their life hell.
#9
Can’t believe there are people claiming child-free people don’t care for the state of the only planet we call home. OF COURSE we care. We have nephews, nieces and family that will have kids that we care about deeply. I wasn’t even going to comment because I’m only 34 without kids but you weirdos with your assumptions can be annoying.
Not having kids is amazing for some and sad for others.
We were also curious about what Sweta considers the best parts of being childfree. "I get to focus completely on myself, my marriage, and the things I love! I’m constantly taking up new projects, learning new skills, and truly enjoying the time and energy I have," she shared.
"Every few months, I’m exploring something new, and it’s incredibly fulfilling. I also get to spend quality time with my loved ones and friends! My husband and I go on dates regularly and take a long, adventurous trip every six months. It’s like we’re in this never-ending honeymoon phase!"
#10
Pretty great.
My wife turned out to be a narcissistic abuser so I divorced her.
1. No kids that would've suffered from her behavior
2. No kids that would've suffered through the divorce
I'm more than happy to be the silly, fun uncle to my brother's kids.
#11
The freedom!
The sweet, sweet freedom to do what I want (or not do) when I want!
DennyS (denzoren) 1 month ago
Partially yes. I can get home after a long day and it's just me to worry about so I can eat ramen and sleep lol
#12
As a woman, F*****G AMAZING. I had a hysterectomy at 25. I’m 43 now. I never wanted children and I was told maybe you will want one someday. I was never that kind of girl. Never wanted a kid. So glad I had a hysterectomy early so I can enjoy the rest of my life without female pain.
FoxEcoLimaIndiaCharlieIndiAlfa 1 month ago
I'm curious as to where this OP is from because so many doctors will not perform a hysterectomy on a 25 year old woman, unless medically necessary. But glad it all worked out for her.
But are there any downsides to not having kids? "The only challenge is society! Some people assume that just because we don’t have kids, we must be 'free' all the time, somehow childish ourselves, or selfish," Sweta noted. "But that's not at all true. Just because we made a choice that’s different doesn’t mean it’s wrong. We’ve simply crafted a life that’s perfect for us, which is meaningful, and full of love and joy."
#13
I never once had the tingling feeling of wanting to become a parent. I simply don’t have that want/desire/responsibility to raise a child, especially in this timeline we’re living in.
Then I met my wife - who thinks the exact same way.
We both love traveling, backpacking, camping, etc. It’s freeing knowing we can get up in a split second and go.
#14
I wanted to have kids but I couldn't, so sometimes I'm a bit sad seeing friends and colleagues having children. But it's nothing I can change so I'm usualy not thinking much about it. And sometimes I'm also a bit glad I don't have kids seeing how the world goes to s**t and no one seems to care to make the neccessary changes so that their children or grandchildren will still have a liveable world.
#15
I can't even take care of myself, let alone have to take care of another living person. So I just do what I want with my life and have a great time doing it. It's pretty awesome.
Red PANda (she/they/he/ze) 1 month ago
Idk this is kind of a hot take but taking care of someone else can sometimes kinda force you to take better care of yourself, and then you’re both happier. I understand everyone is different tho, so it probably isn’t the same for everyone else
Next, Sweta shared some wise words for any childfree adults who are feeling pressured to start a family. "Stay true to yourself! Make choices that feel right to you, not ones that fit into someone else’s expectations. This is your life, and it’s just as important to value your own happiness and freedom."
"It’s important to set clear, healthy boundaries with those who don’t respect your decision. You don’t owe anyone an explanation, and your life choices are valid," she continued. "If people can’t see the validity in your choice to be childfree, that’s on them, not you. It’s not your responsibility to change their minds. Stand firm in your decision. Remind yourself that you don’t need to justify your path to anyone unwilling to respect it."
#16
I'm very glad to have been a part of the lives of my brother's kids but I would have been a terrible parent myself, so it's all good.
#17
I wanted children. But my uterus decided that ejecting them would be a better idea. I sometimes grieve the idea of being a parent. Then I snap back to reality when the reality of my life makes me not fit to be a parent. I am on the disability pension for MS, I am legally blind and cannot drive and have to depend on others to do things for me. I could not provide what I feel is a fulfilling life for a child.
I get to sleep in, I get to love my cats and be the weird aunt to my niblings instead. It is what it is and I am at peace with it.
#18
As someone who has wanted to have children but has fertility issues, it’s been soul crushing. Yeah I have freedom, but the only thing worse than being disappointed myself is watching my wife struggle. Having and raising kids is all she’s ever wanted and I have been unable to give her that.
Hoping to adopt but it’s an incredibly lonely and vulnerable experience, especially if you aren’t willing to go through a religious agency.
keyboardtek 1 month ago
We are atheists. The religious agency we used did not have any religious dogma anywhere in their adoption system. They do it more as a charity.
"Ultimately, the people who care about you will support you for who you are, not for the life choices they wish you’d make," Sweta added. "For those who can’t support you… It’s perfectly fine to distance yourself and protect your peace. You’re building a life that’s right for you, and that’s what matters the most!"
#19
F*****g awesome! My life is amazing. Fixed at 26, I'm now 46.
zovjraar me 1 month ago
thank you sir for knowing what you wanted and taking steps to ensure it!
#20
A few pangs every now and then, but I wouldn’t change my decision.
#21
I'm happy. I love sleeping in late on Saturday mornings, not driving to tons of kids sporting events, never have to stand on the sidelines in the cold and rain, cheering on kids, driving to kids party after kids party every weekend.
I often hear parents main about preparing school lunches, which is not an issue.
Honestly, as a child I never ever dreamed of being a mother, I never played with dolls, ever. I never envisioned a time where I would have kids. I grew up in a very noisy house with way too many people crammed into a small space. My many siblings quickly had lots of kids as well, I've been surrounded by kids and spent a lot of my life looking after other people, cleaning, cooking and being a general dogs body. I just don't want to do that anymore.
I go on decent holidays, I'm free at the weekends. I love the peace and quiet. I am very happy in my own company and I have a very limited social battery. I don't believe I would have made a good parent. I do like kids but I feel I've sacrificed enough of my life looking after other people and I'm happy as I am. .
"Family isn’t just about ‘baby steps’ or having children. It’s about the big leaps we take in life. Whether that’s with a partner, pets, plants, friends, or even in the quiet of our own solitude," Sweta says. "Being childfree isn’t just about not having kids; it’s about the freedom to choose the life that fulfills us. We celebrate that fulfillment doesn’t come in one-size-fits-all, and that’s perfectly alright."
#22
It’s weird bc all your child-having friends (which is most everyone) are completely consumed by their kids so you don’t relate as well with others.
But also it’s great bc I have extra money and I can spend it on whatever the f*** I please. Oh and I have extra time to do whatever I please.
But sometimes I want to do something with my best friend but she can’t bc of her kid so…
There’s positives and negatives.
#23
After numerous miscarriages, we were in our 40s, with no children. We would both do anything to have had children. If we had a kid now, I'd be 68 when they graduated from high school.
#24
Having seen my brother and his two small children today... absolutely fine and dandy thank you.
#25
On the one hand, I seriously envy my friends who have two lovely sons who are now in high school.
On the other hand, I’m glad that I’m not my sister and Brother-in-law who have two spawns of Satan who are 4 and 6.
Edit: who would have thought that my top comment ever would be calling my nephews "spawns of satan." They're absolutely a high energy handful, and frustrating to deal with right now, but they are good kids, and I love 'em to bits. I just moderate my time with them to save my sanity.
#26
Never really wanted kids or understood why people have them. But now in my late 40s I realized that children serve as a distraction from your own existential crises. As mortality and other fears slowly become more prominent, children and their youthful energy make life more interesting and worth living. If all you have around you is aging and decay, life gets very boring and depressing.
Child of the Stars 1 month ago
"...children serve as a distraction from your own existential crises." Not necessarily. Becoming a parent forced me to face the biggest fears of my life and deal with them. As a result, I've gotten sober and been through therapy. Becoming a parent made me a better person. I don't mean to imply that that happens to everyone. But it's disingenuous to assume that being a parent means you avoid your fears.
#27
Hard. I feel like I missed out on the best parts of adulthood… first steps, taking my kid to school, coaching little league, school plays, dinner table conversations, family vacations, helping them when they are hurt, Santa Claus, seeing them grow, arguments and apologies, grandchildren… it just never materialized for me. It’s like i wasn’t worthy of that gift… of even finding a wife to build a family.
Sucks hard many days. I can put on a brave face, but deep down it’s crushing.
M, 48, one sister, who also has no kids.
zovjraar me 1 month ago
it's sad when someone who wants a kid didn't get to have one. and then there are unwanted kids. :(
#28
Pretty rough. I only started to feel better and come out of the sadness when I took full responsibility for choosing not to have children.
My first partner didn’t want kids until he was 40.
My first husband was abusive and irresponsible.
My boyfriends after that were non-commital.
My second husband is amazing but has kids, had the snip and felt he was too old to adopt or foster.
The reality is - I chose these partners.
I’ve got lovely adult step children and I’m an auntie and godmother. I’ve fostered rescue animals for 20 years.
It’s not the same… but you can’t always get what you want, as the song goes.
When I have feelings about it, I have to take it on the chin.
#29
Not by choice, so pretty devastated.
Shark Lady 1 month ago
Difference between being childless and childfree, free is by choice, less is not.
#30
Scary. I maybe have a couple of fertile years left but my partner doesn’t really want kids. I won’t know how I feel about it until it’s too late. I don’t feel ready yet I can’t imagine growing old with never having children. I wish I had more time.
What do you think ?
Alexandra 1 month ago
Being 'childfree' means that you chose not to have kids. If you want kids but can't have them due to infertility issues or other issues, you're not 'childfree', you're 'childless': you didn't have any choice in the matter. You can't compare the two.
Neb 1 month ago
Unless you can't have kids, and independently decide not to have them anyway - still childfree.
Load More Replies...
CanadianDimes 1 month ago
Let's stop saying "starting a family". You can start a family with a partner by marrying them/committing to them long term. Most of us (whether or not we have kids) have families already.
MoMcB 1 month ago
My daughter (only child) doesn't want children. She's 31. I get comments that I'll really miss being a grandmother, but it's her decision not mine, and seeing the way things are in the world, I can't say I blame her. Last time we were back in Ireland visiting family, I had to close it down and tell them it wasn't anyone's business but my daughter's and her partner.
Load More Replies...
Alexandra 1 month ago
Being 'childfree' means that you chose not to have kids. If you want kids but can't have them due to infertility issues or other issues, you're not 'childfree', you're 'childless': you didn't have any choice in the matter. You can't compare the two.
Neb 1 month ago
Unless you can't have kids, and independently decide not to have them anyway - still childfree.
Load More Replies... CanadianDimes 1 month ago
Let's stop saying "starting a family". You can start a family with a partner by marrying them/committing to them long term. Most of us (whether or not we have kids) have families already.
MoMcB 1 month ago
My daughter (only child) doesn't want children. She's 31. I get comments that I'll really miss being a grandmother, but it's her decision not mine, and seeing the way things are in the world, I can't say I blame her. Last time we were back in Ireland visiting family, I had to close it down and tell them it wasn't anyone's business but my daughter's and her partner.
Load More Replies... You May Like “Am I A Jerk For Not Letting My Mother-In-Law See My Baby Until I Put Cameras Up In My Home?” “Her Body, My Choice”: Woman Rethinks Relationship After BF Sabotages Her Birth Control “I Still Don’t Understand”: 35 Of The Most Petty Things Adults Have Ever Done To Children
Rugilė Žemaitytė
Rugilė Žemaitytė
Ilona Baliūnaitė
Related on Bored Panda
