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Did you grow up dreaming about having your very own fairytale wedding? Or has the idea of saying “I do” always seemed unappealing to you? Marriage certainly isn’t for everyone, especially considering the fact that nearly half of all first marriages end in divorce in the United States.
But if you’re curious about why your son or your beau has no desire to get down on one knee or tie the knot, we’ve got a piece you might be interested in down below. Men on Reddit have been discussing all of the reasons they’ve never wanted to get married, so we've gathered some of their most thoughtful replies.
Keep reading to also find a conversation with marriage therapist Dr. Lee Baucom, and be sure to upvote the replies that make particularly valid points.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Can’t I just want to be alone?
RELATED:
#2
I think growing up around miserable married people made me reconsider the idea of marriage for myself. It’s not something I want or need.
Leigh James 1 year ago
Perfectly fine but needs to be upfront about it with everyone from the very beginning and find a partner who definitely thinks and wants the same!
#3
I don't want to get married or have a partner, because I am an introvert and I find peace in solitude, also I don't really get lonely so I don't feel the overwhelming need to find someone. I have nothing against marriage or dating though. When I get old and weak I am taking the first bus home, I never liked the idea of getting old, I think the concept having your body fail you is undignified and I think it is better to not be here at that point, as soon as I am not able to do things and have quality of life, I am done with this planet.
To learn more about why tying the knot might not be for everyone, we reached out to marriage therapist and creator of Save the Marriage, Dr. Lee Baucom. According to Dr. Baucom, sometimes marriage is not right for an individual, but it also might just not be the right time or the right partner for them.
“Here are some pretty good reasons for not marrying right now: You are only doing it because it seems to be the ‘next step’ in a relationship. Not for love, or because you are ready to commit. But because it seems like the time,” the expert shared.
Another reason may be because “you are hoping that your future spouse is going to make you happy. Not their job, not their capacity," Dr. Baucom says.
#4
I love my significant other, but marriage itself has literally no perks in my eyes.
What does it give me that the current relationship status does not?
Leigh James 1 year ago
Legal rights, e.g., if your spouse is incapacitated for whatever reason you have decision making authority, can receive their earned social security benefits if married for at least 7 years, even if divorced, etc, etc and lower taxes.
#5
marriage is an archaic social construct.
Even the arbitrary steps to getting married are ridiculous and all for social acceptance/validation.
1. Expensive engagement ring
2. Engagement
3. Bachelor/Bachelorette parties
4. Wedding Shower
5. Exepensive Wedding & Reception
6. Honeymoon
7. Divorce
You don’t need any of that s**t to simply love your partner.
TheBlueBitterfly 1 year ago
I remember being told (by the fiancée of my husband's friend) that "unless the ring costs at least 2 months salary, the engagement isn't *real*" as I was excitedly showing her the (very tiny) ring my then-fiance had given me. I was so humiliated, as was he. We were incredibly poor at the time. (Doing only slightly better now lol.) Needless to say, they're no longer our friends. And their marriage didn't last, either, imagine that!
#6
Well, I was married before, and I found out the hard way that you can't necessarily trust anyone to prioritize your interests just because they vowed to.
Florence O'Grady 1 year ago
You married someone you thought should prioritize your decisions and yourself over them? Sounds like you expected to be the only important person in this marriage.
Dr. Baucom also noted that it’s not wise to marry if you feel pressured into it by that person, family, friends, faith, or some other external reason. “Those ‘pushes’ won’t last past the wedding. They are usually replaced by resentment,” he explained.
And if you’re not ready to commit, don’t jump into a marriage. “It just isn’t fair to another person to step into a lifelong commitment when you aren’t fully ready, for whatever reason,” Dr. Baucom added.
#7
Why does not being married mean that I’m not allowed to have a life long partner?
#8
Never seen a marriage that I've thought of "I'd like me one of those please". I've seen my parents and friends marriages end up in divorce. And the friends that are still married are constantly fighting and arguing over petty things. So I think those are the main contributors to my negative outlook.
It's also that weddings are a massive waste of money. Blowing 20K on a single day? No thanks. If she cheats on me, she still takes half my stuff? It's almost a better financial decision to take half my savings and head off to a casino. Of course, this is a massive generalization, there are a lot of great women out there. But dare I step on this minefield called marriage and potentially lose an arm and a leg? I doubt it.
As for when I'm old and frail. Probably end up in a nursing home and just die eventually.
*small edit*
It's good to make the difference between weddings and marriages. Some of the comments have actually been giving me some positive insights. I was positivly surprised that all women who reacted would be okay with a small wedding or wouldn't mind getting married in city hall. Which I think cuts my reasons against marriage in half 🤭
RaroaRaroa 1 year ago
I guess if your view of relationships in general is people arguing over petty things, you're probably not in a relationship either. Long term, married or not, you will surely start sharing a mortgage or responsibility for a property, maybe kids. Arguments will happen, married or not.
#9
Same reason I don't want to play golf: it just doesn't look very exciting. Also, it has a low success rate. About half of marriages end in divorce, and of the ones that last, many of them are abusive or unhappy. It's a bad idea in every respect. The real question is why would anyone *want to* get married?
Leigh James 1 year ago
If one can't answer that question then absolutely they should not get married.
We also asked Dr. Baucom if some couples might be better off simply staying together but never actually getting married. “There are some psychological shifts that just can’t happen when you are living together,” he noted. “But some don’t want to really step into that. If a couple is happy with the level of commitment and the boundaries of living together, they certainly should not step into a further commitment of marriage.”
“The real issue and conflict is when one wants to move toward marriage and the other does not,” Dr. Baucom says. “The friction that comes from that often destabilizes the relationship. The solution, though, isn’t marriage, but finding out why they feel differently about the future path of their marriage. Getting married should be two enthusiastic ‘Yes’ votes. If they aren’t both at ‘Yes,’ then it is a ‘No, not at this time.’”
#10
Divorced. Never want to go there again. Hoping for a girlfriend but will not ever get married again. I don’t even want to live with my girlfriend. My place is mine.
keyboardtek 1 year ago
My brother got married for the first time when he was 70. He and his wife live in separate houses and do weekend sleep overs. They both enjoy living alone too much.
#11
I've (53m, twice married and twice divorced no kids) spent so many years in relationships that drain you emotionally and financially only to ultimately fail that I'm done.
I have trouble coming to compromises in a relationship, and I haven't always chosen the best women either. And I'm not perfect either. Basically relationships are exhausting to me, I'm very introverted and used to being alone for long periods of time.
It's a better experience than being in a relationship. I think I'm supposed to be single and I've accepted the limitations of living this way.
MiniMaus 1 year ago
Me too. It was exhausting living with a man would did understand the concept of "private me time". I was used to years and years of living alone. He thought "me time" was because I didn't want to be with HIM. I'm so happy to be alone now. Lost so much money thru that relationship but still managed to rise above.
#12
I'm married but it's completely pointless. I'm no more committed than I would be otherwise. It's totally pointless unless you have a faith
Leigh James 1 year ago
See above comment and faith has absolutely nothing to do with getting married for billions of people who are Atheists, Agnostics, etc. I am an Atheist who chose to get married.
We were also curious if men tend to be more reluctant to get married than women. “I think there is still a stronger cultural pressure on women to see a wedding and marriage as their future,” Dr. Baucom shared. “Familial and cultural expectations for women are about the wedding and life as a married couple. Men don’t have quite the same pressures (not to say they are absent — just less pronounced). We are in something of a historic transition, though, where people are waiting longer and longer to get married. Or they simply don’t see it as their future.”
#13
It never interested me. When I was a kid I would just parrot whatever my peers, relatives and sibling would say as regards marriage but it was only when I was older did I then realise that I had no desire whatsoever.
My parents have been married nearly 40 years, my brother is married but I never saw anything about married life that I genuinely wanted. I always felt I was destined for more in life than just pair-bonding or procreating. I know for certain I **will** die alone and I'm perfectly content with that.
#14
Why would I need to be married because of aging? Weirdest reason I've heard to get married. If someone loves you they'll age with you without a contract that can be revoked by divorce.
I don't think marriage changes much, at least for the positive. If the relationship is great it can be great without marriage and if it's not marriage won't magically make it better.
In Finland there's not that much downside, hence I'm married because I felt like it and the small legal upsides were worth it. Neither of us really cared, most important reason was inheritance and the tax related to it.
Leigh James 1 year ago
Who says the reason to get married is aging??? Marrying too young is often problematic due to low maturation, most people need time to grow into who they are to know what they need and want.
#15
Most of the girls I know seem to view marriage as an opportunity for social media photos rather than a real commitment.
Combine that with the family court's hostility towards men and it's just a recipe for disaster.
Plus, I've heard "forever" from too many women to believe it anymore.
Howl's sleeping castle 1 year ago
They are the ones with the most sad married life. My colleague used to put happy pictures on social media (I don't have any, other colleagues would show me). Found out from her best friend that things are not going well and the pictures are just a facade. She married against her parents' wishes and wants them to think she is happy with this guy.
But if marriage is something that you and your partner are ready for, you shouldn’t be afraid of it. “Divorce rates are slightly lower than they once were,” Dr. Baucom noted. “This is partly because people are taking the commitment seriously. So, they wait on marriage longer.”
“Others have changed their expectations of marriage, creating new rules and roles within marriage. This is partly due to the fact that many now in the midst of marriage grew up watching the old expectations and the new possibilities of leaving a marriage without shame, lead to broken marriages,” the expert says. “They watched their parents and friends’ parents go through painful marriages. And in their attempts to avoid that pain, they either avoid marriage or take it more seriously and thoughtfully.”
#16
Been with my girlfriend 17 years we have a 12-year-old kid never been married, we've ran into situations where we probably should have split up and being married would have just made It worse.
#17
Pretty simple, as a legal and social institution I think it’s b******t and there’s no real reason to do it. That doesn’t mean I’m opposed to finding a girl I love and staying with her for a long time, I’m just not gonna legally bind myself to her or throw an expensive party for myself
#18
I've seen marriages fail all around me. My mom is not happy in hers but she has her own issues.
My friend, who didn't want to get married or have kids at first, did that. He got married, had a kid, wife cheated on him with 2 different men and they got divorced. He's paying child support and is starting to think his kid isn't his. Hes afraid to take a paternity test but knows he should.
That alone was enough of a reason.
“I believe the next decade will reveal a shift toward how people go into marriage, and what they do when they hit the inevitable tough points of marriage,” the expert added.
If you’d like to hear more wise words from Dr. Lee Baucom about marriage in general or your own relationship, be sure to check out Save the Marriage!
#19
When I get old and weak I guess I'll just soldier on until I die? I mean, what else is there? Expecting some other old person to take care of me? That's just silly.
#20
I dunno if this applies to me. When I was younger, all I wanted was to be a good husband and a good father. Then I got married and had a kid. While I love being a dad to my now grown child and feel like I stuck the landing on the whole "good father" bit, the same cannot be said for the "good husband" portion of my aspirations.
I mean, I wasn't a bad husband by any stretch, but me and the X-Wife were a trainwreck together. Ended after only a few years. I initially assumed I'd eventually remarry. Even came close with my last girlfriend. I poured everything I had into that relationship. Gave her all I had to give, and it still wasn't' enough.
After all that, the idea of being married again, or even sharing time with a woman or being part of a couple again, is the last thing I want. The last thing I plan to ever do again.
I'm currently caring for my elderly mother. Dad passed a bit over a year ago and so now I'm tending to her needs. When God calls her Home to be with dad, I can't see myself spending any time with women anymore. Despite my years of research and dedication to learning how to treat women well, I still understand essentially nothing about them. I don't think you can make a woman happy and I'm too old and too tired to try again. And also don't have any trust left to offer after so much heartbreak. Starting up something new wouldn't be fair because I'd inevitably end up punishing the new woman for the issues created by the last. And I hate the idea of doing that to anyone as much as I hate the fact that my last girlfriend did that to me. Made me constantly feel like I was paying for the sins of lesser men who didn't put in the effort as was I.
So yeah, no more marriage hopes or plans for me. No more relationships or girlfriends. I don't even want to date anymore. After mom is gone, I plan to spend whatever time I have left alone.
#21
Why would i want to is the real question. I gain absolutely nothing from getting married and could potentially lose everything.
#22
I prefer the peace and quiet of solitude, personally. Beyond that, modern marriage is a failing institution. With the ever increasing focus on individual self within society, marriage has basically become extended dating, where anyone can pick up and leave for any reason. No one seems to want to communicate, cooperate, or compromise enough to maintain the bonds of marriage. The days of seeing married couples celebrating their golden anniversaries are over.
Auntriarch 1 year ago (edited)
If we don't make it to gold, it will only be because we had a late start. My parents have been married for 67 years
#23
I'm going to die anyway being married does nothing to change that, more than 50% marriages fail so not exactly a comforting contract. I don't see marriage as a fun experience, it holds little value as it has less meaning than ones word. Also, my partner would get old with me, so how are they gonna be able to look after me and why would I want to legally bind them into having to do so.
Marriage is the absolute opposite of love, it's a contractual agreement designed to distribute assets and wealth, it is greed and vanity masquerading as faithfulness and love its a well conceived hold over from a time when people did not have as many rights as they do now.
Alexandra 1 year ago
Marriage is a contract and it is expected of spouses to look after each other also in old age, but there are people for which this contractual obligation just doesn't come into play: they just look after each other because that is what they WANT to do, not because it's expected of them.
#24
I *was* married for 15 years. Here's a few reasons I'll never do it again:
- 60% chance of failure, if you had a previous marriage chances are higher still
- In nearly all cases, divorce is more kind to women than men, even if settled amicably/out of court
- In ALL cases where children are involved, harm is done to them, and they are often innocent bystanders
- marriage is expensive, but divorce can be even more so
FWIW I'm not against having close relationships, but after experiencing the grief I have, and seeing it harm my child... I'll always and forever shy away from that level of responsibility in the future. I'll stick to just having good friends.
#25
I did a trial run and she changed personality within days/weeks. Divorced her a few months later after and im not gonna jump the gun next time, at least 5 years minimum with someone before even contemplating it.
Michael Largey 1 year ago
People don't change their personalities after marriage. They merely reveal them.
#26
It creates a contractual agreement between two parties that either party can on a can withdrawal from the contract at any time. However, the less well off party can have the state order the more well off party to give a substantial amount of income to them just because they decided to void the contract.
If you did not describe this as marriage any lawyer would tell you to f*****g run. I have no desire to involve the state in my relationship just to hand someone a tool to ruin my life with.
#27
That’s a lot of faith to put into another person. The divorces I’ve seen and the devastation around them remind me such faith is misplaced.
Alexandra 1 year ago
In a sense, no one can be trusted: people change, sometimes because they just get older, sometimes because bad things or good things happen to them. Marriage changes people as well. No one, ever, married or not, stays the same. So to me that is not a reason not to get married. Perhaps the poster has difficulties accepting that life changes people and sometimes in a bad way?
#28
Outdated tradition, very high risk and very low reward. It only makes sense for a religious and traditional man with a similar wife.
#29
Marriage provides no benefits to men that one cannot have by simply living with your long-term girlfriend and being a decent man, a decent human being.
You don't nned to get married to have a child. You don't need to get married to love and be loved. You don't need to be married to be responsible for your women and children, to care for them, to earn money for them and so on. And you can always just give your girlfriend the Power of the Attorney (or however it is called in English) if you are afraid that she won't be able to make decisions for you if you are incapacitated.
The only consequence of the marriage that cannot be achieved by just living together is breaking oaths and costly divorce and even then, civil marriage institute exists and you can be fleeced even if you are just cohabitating.
Don't get me wrong, I am going to marry my long-term girlfriend (when I meet her and find her to be a good woman), but I am not going to do it because *I* want to, but rather because *she* will want it.
Elizabeth Tayler 1 year ago
Who says "she" will want it? I wanted to have the fairytale wedding, when I was literally a small child. Then I grew up. I now have NO interest thank you, but I've been in a committed relationship for 16 years. Not every "she" wants marriage.
#30
54% of marriages end in divorce. 85% are initiated by women. Not all that beneficial to get married if you're a man.
What do you think ?
Alethea Fletcher 1 year ago
None of these men sound happy anyway, so would make the worst partners/husbands. Most sound very toxic and misogynistic.
Hphizzle 1 year ago
I’m 40 (and never married) and most married people in my life are happy. Very low divorce rates. People seem to be married to their best friend. Have healthy hobbies with and apart from their spouse. Are they perfect marriages, no way. But are they loving and supportive, hell yes! That’s what I’m hoping for.
YukiChou 1 year ago
Exactly! Married to my best friend, sometimes we do what he wants, sometimes what I want, sometimes what we both want. We may have small disagreements, but that's normal as no person is 100% the same as the other person. It all boils down to proper communication, being supportive of eachother and love. Plus my drs listen more to my husband then me when we deal with my illnesses.
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Alethea Fletcher 1 year ago
None of these men sound happy anyway, so would make the worst partners/husbands. Most sound very toxic and misogynistic.
Hphizzle 1 year ago
I’m 40 (and never married) and most married people in my life are happy. Very low divorce rates. People seem to be married to their best friend. Have healthy hobbies with and apart from their spouse. Are they perfect marriages, no way. But are they loving and supportive, hell yes! That’s what I’m hoping for.
YukiChou 1 year ago
Exactly! Married to my best friend, sometimes we do what he wants, sometimes what I want, sometimes what we both want. We may have small disagreements, but that's normal as no person is 100% the same as the other person. It all boils down to proper communication, being supportive of eachother and love. Plus my drs listen more to my husband then me when we deal with my illnesses.
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