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29 Men Share How They Realized It Was Actually Them Who Were Acting ‘Creepy’ Towards Women
People change. However, before someone can alter their behavior for good, they need to want to do it. It sounds simple, but think about it for a second. It's basically admitting to yourself that your worldview is flawed. That you are flawed. Which takes guts.
Recently, Reddit user rocketbot99 made a post on r/AskReddit, saying "For men who used to be 'creepy' towards women and have since stopped, what was it that made you realize you were creepy that prompted you to change?" And their call was answered: as of this article, the thread has over 8,000 comments, many of which are insightful, honest replies to rocketbot99's question.
Of course, these comments don't mean that society is cured of sexism We still have a long way to go in regards to respecting women. But these are steps in the right direction and we should celebrate them.
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#1
It took me recognizing that I was addicted to alcohol, tobacco, and sex. I had been aggressive toward women and objectifying them since I was a child. I think this happened because I was exposed to sex at such a young age. I thought all relationships were supposed to be how the movies and shows were, so I just emulated what I saw.
Once I got sober, I realized how much of a monster I was and took the necessary steps to really implement change in my life. Lots of therapy. Lots of crying. Self-reflection as to why I was emulating that specific behavior, and quitting my addictions. It’s been a journey, but I’m happy to say that I’ve been in a loving, committed relationship with proper boundaries for a year now.
Turns out, being sexist also sucks for men themselves. That was the conclusion of a meta-analysis published in the Journal of Counseling Psychology that aggregated the results of nearly 80 separate studies on masculine norms and mental health over 11 years.
After looking into almost 20,000 men in total, the paper titled Meta-Analyses of the Relationship Between Conformity to Masculine Norms and Mental Health-Related Outcomes found that men who adhered to such norms not only harmed the women around them but they also exhibited significantly worse social functioning and psychological health.
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#2
I wasn't being actively creepy, but:
I used to think cat-calling was just flirtatious compliments, and who doesn't like those, right? >.> I never cat-called anybody, largely because that's not my personality type.
But now I live by the motto: "Never say something to a stranger that you wouldn't want a big guy saying to you in prison."
Roxy Eastland 3 years ago
Never say something to a woman you don't know that you wouldn't say to a man you don't know - same theory really
"Sexism isn't just a social injustice," Y. Joel Wong, a psychologist at Indiana University Bloomington and the study’s lead author, said. "It may even be potentially problematic for [men's] mental health."
The term "masculine norms" can refer to a whole range of characteristics but the researchers focused on 11 separate aspects of American masculinity in particular. They found that three specific traits associated with toxic masculinity were particularly harmful to men’s psyches: being self-reliant, being dominant over women, and being a "playboy." Interestingly, some norms, such as putting work and career first, did not seem to have any negative mental health effects.
#3
One of the most eye-opening adages that helped me immensely was, 'Men are afraid women will reject them; women are afraid men will kill them.' That helped me to change my interactions in a way that was less likely to set off alarm bells in a woman’s mind.
Roxy Eastland 3 years ago
I believe the original was 'men are afraid women will laugh at them, women are afraid men will kill them'
Jared Yates Sexton, the author of The Man They Wanted Me to Be, told Bored Panda there's a whole array of reasons why toxic masculinity is so deeply rooted in our everyday life. "The problematic elements of masculinity are intertwined with the economic, political, and personal elements of society," Sexton said. "It's passed down from one generation to another in socialization, or physical, mental, emotional abuse and intentional and unintentional feedback."
"It's as simple as telling a young boy he can't be emotional and as complicated as the signals and messages from culture, popular culture, and how products are marketed to men and women. It's knotted into society, unfortunately, and so it makes it incredibly hard to root out."
#4
Hearing women complain about something and thinking, Oh s**t, I've done that. It seriously has helped me improve on a lot of things.
Samantha PandaNotBored 3 years ago
Good for you. Sometimes it is okay to put ones self into time out .
In The Man They Wanted Me To Be, Sexton describes it as a chronic condition. "A lot of people ask 'how did you get out?' but there's no getting out, really. If you've been raised in this, if you've experienced the socialization, abuse, etc, it's something you have to keep an eye on."
According to him, men, even men who understand the pitfalls of masculinity, who study it, write about it, work against its problematic aspects, can still fall into its traps when things get hard or if they're not paying attention. "It's a daily struggle, honestly," Sexton said.
#5
I realized they weren't laughing because I was funny, they were laughing because they were scared
However, Jared thinks there's hope to be had in that we're talking about gender as a construct and the surrounding issues. "That's different, even as people try and weaponize it for political and economic purposes. I'm seeing so much advancement in culture, with this generation and the next, that I'm hopeful, but the work is far from over."
When you think about it, the root of this problem probably developed thousands of years ago, when early homo sapiens used strength to exert dominance or take charge. And it wasn't even a problem then. But contemporary society has led to such a shift in attitude toward these male behaviors, a "real man" today is something we must define ourselves. The good thing is more and more of us are trying to.
#6
When I broke up with my first serious girlfriend, I was totally heartbroken. I called her all the time and cried on the phone. I even threatened to kill myself and told her so. This went on for some time. Eventually I threatened again to kill myself and went to bed drunk. I woke up to a voicemail from her, crying her eyes out and begging me not to do it.
I was so ashamed about my behavior. I realized in that message what I had become. It was absolutely her right, as it was mine, to end a relationship at any time for any reason, without being hounded and traumatized by the ex. I was evil and toxic
Jonathan 3 years ago
I wouldn't really say you're evil. Distraught, emotional and vulnerable (yes, us guys can feel vulnerable too) maybe but not really evil. Lets save that word for actual evil things.
StrawberryParfait 3 years ago
Threatening to kill yourself to an ex is the very definition of emotional abuse. He had no plans to kill himself. He wasn't telling anyone else he was going to kill himself. Just the one he wanted to inflict pain on. This is manipulative, and it's deliberate. People who kill themselves don't threaten, they just do it. He gets no pass for this. If your ex is threatening to kill themselves, the next call should be to the police. They can apprehend the person and put them in a psych ward for a couple of days for evaluation. Don't play the game of getting emotionally involved with this manipulative behaviour.
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cassiushumanmother 3 years ago
That's so toxic. In highschool a friend was in love with me and i was not, he "tried" to kill himself "because" of it. Then our other friends told me "you would have felt pretty shitty if he had succeed". ABSOLUTELY NOT! if you turn someone down kindly and they can't handle it, it's not on you if they can't handle a NO. You don't have to date a person because this person threatened you with suicide.
Samantha Power 3 years ago
Hope things are better now, you don't sound evil exactly. Therapy can help a lot.
Christopher Columbus 3 years ago
This post makes me feel like hugging you. So strong to look back and evaluate yourself. That's a hard thing to do. Just don't be too hard on yourself. Evil is a strong word. I have a hard time believing in truly evil people. Mental illness, misguidance, toxicity, hurt, selfishness, trauma, etc... Sure. But truly evil? Brave of you to share your self reflection.
deanna woods 3 years ago
As someone with really bad depression and anxiety people threatening suicide because someone broke up with them is one of the most selfish things you can do. I have felt suicidal before myself, but not over a relationship. I felt this way because of how out of whack everything was in my brain.
CatWoman312 3 years ago
Toxic yes, selfish definitely, but not evil. The good thing is owning your mistake and learning not to do it again
Evil Little Thing 3 years ago
This sounds like borderline personality disorder, even the self-hatred.
Mewton’s Third Paw 3 years ago
That’s not a gender thing at all and it’s not creepy, it’s just not the right way to handle it.
Rene Berendsen 3 years ago
why is all male behavior called toxic now. you weren't toxic. I think you had a pretty normal reaction to a breakup actually. Was it a bit extreme Yes. But definitely not uncommon. Everybody reacts differently to breakups.
B 1 year ago (edited)
Threatening to kill yourself isn't a normal reaction to a breakup and is absolutely toxic.
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I had to explain to my 50 year old husband that young women do NOT find his interest a compliment
Daria B 3 years ago (edited)
So many men over their 30s don't understand that and it's so weird. I understand a teenage girl may have a crush on a good looking 30 ~ 40-year-old (in which case, he should know better anyway, and many men handle the situation with respect), but hearing "30-something years old teenagers" (this is how I call these types of people) go all like "hihiho hohoho girls, girls" sounds very inappropriate.
#8
I was 18 working at Six Flags. We got a new coworker at the ride I was mainly at and I took a liking to her instantly. I tried talking with her constantly and "cutely" blocked her path multiple times. This was all on her first day. The next she didn't show back up.
Thats when I realized I had harassed her, all she wanted to do is just work and get some extra cash and I added stupid stress to that.
I don't interact with coworkers like that anymore. Even if I think I could have a chance, I leave them alone on that level.
Roxy Eastland 3 years ago
At the end of the day, while you're all leaving, then ask if they'd like to go for a drink with you sometime. Does their face light up, do they hold eye contact, do they smile broadly? Those are your clues, not whether or not they reply 'maybe' because, as we've established, women have to tread carefully for their own safety. But well done to you for realising.
#9
My brother used to catcall women ALL THE TIME until once when I was with him. He was driving, I was the passenger, and he yelled out to a woman in another car about how hot she looked. I turned to him and said very casually yet matter-of-factly, “You know, women hate it when men talk to us like that. It’s not flattering, it’s objectifying and disrespectful.” He got quiet, his eyes glazed over, and I saw him taking in what I’d just said. It had simply never occurred to him that what he was doing could be seen as anything other than flattering. He never, ever did it again, and I saw him grow into an extremely respectful person over the next couple of years.
Sometimes all it takes is someone to make them aware. This is why women call on men to call out their guy friends for this type of behavior. Some men look at women as objects, and they don’t take us seriously. But, the same thing coming from your sister or one of their guy friends? Completely different reaction.
Carol Emory 3 years ago
It took my sister saying "You and your husband are two of the most selfish people I know" for me to realize that my husband and I were constantly putting our needs ahead of our son's. We changed our attitude and, a year later, my son was diagnosed with Autism. It was very important for us to put our son's needs first.
#10
I realized that I wasn't a knight in shining armor, and they weren't princesses to be adored and saved. Instead of trying to ingratiate myself with them, I stopped giving a f**k and just started casual conversations. If they gave curt responses and standoffish body language, I politely exited the conversation and moved on.
#11
I used to do that smirk thing when talking to women. I thought it projected confidence, but then someone I worked with told me I should watch the creeper vibe, so I had to take a hard look at my mannerisms. Man, that must have been scary and off-putting. I’m sorry I did that, everyone
Mewton’s Third Paw 3 years ago
That is so off putting and smarmy! I’m glad he stopped. He was insecure and trying to distract or overcompensate
#12
Saw this answer some time ago It was this dude that tried to confess to the girl he liked by going to her apartment and make her dinner with candles,flowers and all that s**t But then the girl came home and the first thing she said was " are you going to kill me"
Candace Fitzpatrick 3 years ago
What was he thinking? It’s very wrong for any person to let themselves into someone else’s home without permission, regardless of their gender. That’s B&E and it’s a crime!
#13
Learning that pickup artistry is a massive grift meant to gamify social interactions with women for men who are socially isolated. Every pickup-artist tactic is just weird, toxic emotional abuse. Not only does it not work, but if it DID work, it would be morally abhorrent to do it
Kendra Miller 3 years ago
This will go to the bottom so no one will read this, but this post reminds me of another. Where a girl wanted to talk to a cute guy so badly, but she brain farted and her pickup line was "So do you like bread?" They married and for their anniversary he turned her line into a work of art which he hung on the wall. It was super cute and one of the only times that a line actually worked.
#14
I went out drinking with a bunch of my fellow Marines. We were all in our early to mid twenties and some of us were Very good looking (not me). At the end of the night only one of us had gotten any numbers and that one guy had gotten several. He was like 5'6" (167cm) and more or less looked like a 12 year old. Took me a while to figure out why this was the case.
When I realized that he was the only one of us that didn't look dangerous A Lot of things started making sense.
Roxy Eastland 3 years ago
Military boys can be the worst. They can be very up themselves and forceful. It isn't just unattractive but, as this man worked out, a huge red flag to keep well away as tactfully as possible.
#15
I figured out that my being gay doesn’t change things. I never made a point to be careful about not making women uncomfortable because I always knew that I had no sexual intentions toward them and that they didn’t need to worry about any advances or anything.
Of course, that didn’t mean they knew that; or if they did, it didn’t change the fact that I’m a man and there are appropriate ways to behave around people.
#16
I'm not the creeper. My friend was. We were out at a bar and he walked up to a girl and brushed her hair with his hand. How he explains it, he started to say, 'You have beautiful hair,' then got punched in the face by the girl and kicked out of the bar.
We met him at the car after about 10 minutes of realizing he was gone — blood all over his face and just ashamed. I was with my wife and we were both confused as to why he would touch a stranger. He is now married and not a creeper. That was the night that opened his eyes to realizing that women are equals and not toys
#17
Reading many posts about how pervasive a problem it is for women to have men leer or subject them to microaggressions. Hearing it all named, and hearing how unsettling it is for people, made me reexamine some of my behavior toward women. Please do keep taking about it — it works!
Samantha Power 3 years ago
It is really good you are aware of this. For myself being on dating sites can be very unsettling indeed, it is astounding how aggressive some men can be on them.
#18
I had what I can only call a grand moment of realization. There was a girl who I was acquainted with, and she was obviously, obsessively, and weirdly into me. Being at the state of peak neckbeard that I was, I was desperate for a girlfriend. But for whatever reason I was not into the idea. I knew her too well, and although she was interested in me, I was NOT interested in her.
I spent a long time thinking about wether I should start seeing this girl I wasn’t attracted to... then it clicked for me: Sometimes people just aren’t into you. That’s okay, and it’s actually a good thing not to have to say yes to a relationship just because someone thinks they’re qualified to date you.
That moment back in 2009 changed my perspective so much, and I was able to realize that other people have and deserve their own autonomy.
#19
A girl told me she wasn’t interested because I did something creepy and she felt uncomfortable about it. I had no idea it was a creep move at the time. I’d never had that feedback, and I’m very happy she provided it, when she could have just ghosted and moved on. For those wondering, it was Facebook stalking. My young, ignorant self thought it would be cool to surprise her with my knowledge, because that showed I cared enough to learn about her. The real boundary crossing was me asking about other guys she’s friends with who made flirty comments on her pics
Roxy Eastland 3 years ago
Oooof. That would have come across as very possessive and a huge alarm would have gone off in her head. Thank goodness she felt secure enough to tell you.
#20
I used to have this older man always flirt & be unprofessional towards me at work when I first started, I was around 24 years old. After i had enough of his weird comments & flirting, I told him that he has a daughter the same age as me (which was true because he'd talk about his family at times) and that how would he like it if some older man was talking to his daughter like that and making sexual comments to her. He became less weird and flirtatious and more "regular" holding normal conversations. He moved shifts so I don't even see him anymore
Marcellus the Third 3 years ago
Not sure he took the lesson, or is now creeping on another shift?
#21
Being called out. Directly and specifically.
I had absolutely no idea that there was anything off about my behavior. I thought nobody was picking up on how horny I was. I thought nobody knew. I thought I was smooth AF.
But some specific things I did were called out (touches on the arm, inappropriate topics of conversation, things like that) and I realized holy [cow], I have been a total disrespectful creep.
And everyone knows it.
I don't miss my teen years. Don't miss 'em at all.
On the plus side, it encouraged me to strive for a life where I'm 100% genuine and don't want anything from anyone.
Oskar vanZandt 3 years ago
This bit is a little concerning "a life where I'm 100% genuine and don't want anything from anyone." There is nothing wrong with wanting something from someone, the problem lies in expecting something in return. If you are open and honest in your intent, and respect people's boundaries, everything should be fine.
#22
I have five sisters, and hearing them talk about something creepy a guy did really made me check my own actions.
Also, I think a lot of us were just hormonal teenagers with a typical, insane libido. Getting called out normally works
Mewton’s Third Paw 3 years ago (edited)
No, female teenagers have insane libidos too and yet we managed to just have sex or masturbate without creeping out the people we’re interested in. Don’t blame your hormones for your assholery.
#23
This sounds weird to me now, but I actually grew up in a household that valued back, neck, and shoulder rubs. I did this for a long, long time to people I was friends with (men and women). In my head, it was just a way of saying I cared. In retrospect, it undoubtedly gave off a super-creepy vibe.
Roxy Eastland 3 years ago
You earnt the right to do this with your family growing up, but hadn't yet earnt that right with other people.
#24
Talking to women, becoming friends with women, changing my circle of friends, growing up, learning empathy, and the final nail in the coffin was sobriety
Oskar vanZandt 3 years ago
"...and the final nail in the coffin was sobriety" odd turn of phrase to use here?
#25
I had ruined 2 friendships in a week cause I was getting blackout drunk and trying to sleep with them. That’s also what made me realize alcohol is terrible.
Suzanne Clark 3 years ago
Good that you recognized that early on. Blackout drunk just gets worse with age...I've seen it up close.
#26
Growing self-awareness that I wasn't the center of the goddamn universe. I went through a chasing-potential-girlfriends-too-hard phase in my young adult years — including mistaking simple offers of friendship and work colleague status for actual interest.
It wasn't 'stalking' level and it never reached the point of discipline (or even commenting), but it was probably to the point of being a little unprofessional and uncomfortable for the girl involved.
Peggy Perry 3 years ago
I often wish part of sex ed (in the schools that bother to have it) would include sessions on "A girl's smile is not an offer to stroke your body. Her interest in your conversation subject is not a sign she is interested in your body. Agreeing to a meal with you is not a sign she has agreed to trade that meal for sex. A prostitute will tell you upfront what her services cost. If cost is not mentioned, do not expect sex as part of the evening. Hope, even ask, but do not expect, and if you insist, do not complain when nasty consequences result."
#27
Looking back I was like most other males born in the 70’s and did not know better. I then became friends with women and learn what women want in a person. The coup de grace was when I was hanging out with some gay men who flipped the creepy vibe on me. The result was a bumble date voted me the most charming man she dated.
BusLady 3 years ago
I remember the 70's. Almost every job I ever had, there were men who felt that they had the right to touch me, make obscene remarks, ask me out, etc. That was the social attitude then. If you complained about it, you were blamed for it. There were no sexual harassment laws then, so men knew that they had nothing to lose.
#28
In middle school, I was a mid-puberty, horniness-stricken little perv. I didn’t do a good job concealing it, either. I would always get really close to my one friend because I liked her at the time, and looking back, it was so wrong to do
Ulrike Sponagel 3 years ago
Growing up is hard. All of us made mistakes because we wanted to look cool and act aloof. I assume it is very tough for men, more often than not, girls will mercilessly poke fun at them for trying to get to know somebody. It can't be easy, trying to find a girlfriend and finding out the hard way how not to do it. A little understanding and quite a heap of courage to show one's true self might help on either side.
#29
My creepiness came from not knowing how to talk to girls, not anything predatory. I think a lot of guys are like that. I wasn’t particularly creepy but I look back on some stuff I did or said that I thought was smooth or flirty but looking back at it now I’m like wow I was actually being creepy lmao.
Roxy Eastland 3 years ago
The secret is to talk to women as if they are humans primarily. About normal human stuff. And from the way they respond to you you can start to feel as if they might be interested in you too. Also, and it's weird to have to tell guys this, but you can also work out if you actually still fancy them now you're chatting. Yes, you might be physically attracted but are they a bit racist? Are they hundred percent into a life style that isn't for you?
What do you think ?
Samantha Power 3 years ago
This was a good article. I am a female and have been stalked more times than I can remember. What I would like to point out is so many men can not take no for an answer, if I politely decline a man who is interested in me and I am not interested in them, they can get angry, verbally abusive and bombard me with messages and whining emails asking why I don't like them (of course I block them) but they can reappear under a different name. Because you are attracted to a person, it does not guarantee that they are attracted to you.
Happy_Pandalover 3 years ago (edited)
Agreed. It's about accepting that the other person doesn't need to like you back. I've also made the experience, that men would ignore my NOs and later they'd still say i had been flirting with them or sending explicit signals, while i'd always said no. Some even said i had tricked them, but i said NO from the start. Once i told a male friend about my "problem" and they'd be like "Why won't you take it as a compiment. Many men are into you." Ehh no. It's not a compliment if a person ignores your feelings.
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Happy_Pandalover 3 years ago (edited)
I‘m always happy for anyone, regardless of their gender, who realizes something and moves on to become a better person. Heads up for the guys for their self reflection. I also like the fact, that some realized their behaviour was also hurting themselves. I know people usually don‘t mean any harm (most of the time they want to be extra helpful or friendly). But if your plan involves invading a person’s privacy, most of the time it‘s not a great idea. A guy i barely knew sent me invitations to an event per mail - without further notice. I never gave him my address, he found out by stalking me online. He thought, i’d be happy about his effort, but he just creeped me of. Maybe it‘s because i had a bad experience before in the past (i was stalked, which was way worse), but i just don‘t like to be oberwhelmed.
Random Anon 3 years ago
Growing up looking like a girl gave me a perspective my guy friends did not have. Like, that movement tracking stare is no good. They never listened to me and I get it. Not much weight coming from another dude. It's until they themselves got girlfriends they began recognizing the body language that is threatening to a woman by sensing the discomfort in their partners. I guess it's better late than never.
Doggo Froggo 3 years ago
My father looked like an attractive girl from his teens to 30s so he got to see how women can be treated by strangers with catcalling etc and, of course, always keeps his actions in check. That experience probably helped a lot (but I think he would be the same if he hadn't had that experience, tbh)
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June 3 years ago
One day I matched with a guy on tinder... He seemed really cool until he said something like "well, if she doesn't consent that's less fun". "Man. You're talking about RAPE." He never realized. Biggest red flag ever, rape culture is creepy as hell. The last thing I told him: "that's wrong. I'd never feel safe with you". He never got it.
Doggo Froggo 3 years ago
Dodged one BIG bullet there and I am glad for you
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renee brack 3 years ago
I had tears in my eyes reading these posts. It's the first time I felt there was hope for the future - that education and epiphanies then behaviour improvements in were possible. My life was hell from age 8 because of unwanted male attention. As a middle-aged woman, I'm single and live alone because a monkish existence became preferable and idealised compared to what the horrors of coupledom presented over the decades. Oh, the stories I could tell..
Leo Domitrix 3 years ago
A guy in college called me constantly, then got an arm around me in tutoring situation (I was tutoring him) and kissed me without permission... I flipped out, went out the window (first floor). He called me a psycho b*tch. Nobody asked him what caused me to dive out a window fearing for my safety. (Hmm. An arm suddenly restraining me, mouth on my face.... While I'm explaining molar weights?!)
Josh Tall 3 years ago
I really want to know how these guys learned this behavior. I grew up the oldest of 4 boys, raised by a single mom and was just afraid of girls. I never thought, for once that being aggressive or very forward was a good move.
Izzy 3 years ago
But why did you see them as different at all? No judgment, I just wish I understood this better.
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Seabeast 3 years ago
It's great that these men came to a realization. But some men, when you point out what not to do, get really defensive and say something like "Well, I guess I can't talk to women ever again, then.", or "Well I guess I can't ask a woman out on a date at work or I'll get fired".
Fiona C 3 years ago
Tell them if that's what they have to do to not be creep then yes
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Karin Jansen 3 years ago
A few years ago, I went to Israel (Tel Aviv) with a few friends and was shocked at the level of respect and decency the men had. No drunken groping, no cat calling, no following you, no "not taking no for an answer". Flirting sure, but also treating women like actual human beings and replying to a rejection with: "No worries, nice talking to you, have a great night." Suddenly I was so saddened with what I've had to put up with back home in Europe. Like I hadn't fully realized before how scary and imposing men could be..
Friedemann P 3 years ago
Couple of years ago I was late at work because I meet up some colleagues to play cards and drink a bit. Round about midnight I walked home and my walk went thru a park. In this area (close to the University Campus) a young student got raped some weeks before. It was in my mind because we talked about it this evening. When I arrived the park a young female student walked some meters in front of me. I was thinking how uncomfortable she maybe feel and I thought (in my bit drunk mind) that she feel a bit more safe when I catch up and chat a bit. So I walked a bit faster to catch up and realized that she also walked faster so I slow down a bit and said „hey, are you okay!“ after I said that she start to run… end of the story… it’s may sound funny because I had the best intentions but at this night I was definitely the creepy guy! It’s a shame that women can’t walk thru a park without fear and I realized ones again in such a privileged situation I been just because I’m a man…
AlmightyOne 3 years ago
Tips for guys given to you by a woman: 1) do not catcall us! It makes us very uncomfortable and will decrease your chances with us. 2) treat us like normal people! Chances are if you come up to a girl at a restaurant or bar and simply say "hi" or "do you mind if I sit here?" we will reciprocate and you may end up with a new friend or even a phone number! 3) don't touch us without our consent. This should really go without saying. 4) get to know us as friends or coworkers before the romantic stuff! It will be less creepy if you confess to us that way. Thanks, and I hope you all learned something today. Gals, let me know if I should change or add anything.
Christel Nellemann 3 years ago
Add about taking cues. Some may not directly say no, or turn down clearly because of fright of an aggressive respons. Do not get aggresive when turned down.
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kjorn 3 years ago
remember when i was in highschool with i girl i knew for a long time, not a even a friend, just a girl i know for few year that a find really cute, intelligent, some drive, etc... and i remember i just watched Cyrano de Bergerac and all the poetry, the love, etc.. give me some kick in the butt to try something. so i write her a letter where i told her that i loved her and put the letter in her case in school. i was pretty terrified of the result. i remember the day after that i was anxious since she was sit next to me. but i realise after putting the letter that i forgot to put my name on it. the next morning when she came in class she was furious! that intimidated me too much to do something and i just shut my mouth and let it go. i know it was a creepy thing to do. she never knew who it was and this was just forgotten after that.
Happy_Pandalover 3 years ago (edited)
what you did was not creepy at all if you had put your name on it :). (as long as you didn‘t write anything creepy, but i assume you wrote nice words). this girl was probably creeped out because the letter came totally random and anonymously. plus, you guys were so young. at that age you‘d take things a lot more serious and dramatic :)
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Ileana Sky Aviles 3 years ago
Thank you for this article, I hope it gets incredible views as I've become a hermit from these kinds of behavior. Just fed up, tired and would rather be left alone even as an extrovert. Self awareness, respect, consideration can open a lot of doors to real, genuine interactions. Great men can sadly miss out from not knowing better.
Jessica Aubé 3 years ago
Honestly as a woman I have been guilty of some of these things myself The rejection one really called me out. Being rejected sucks and we often want to know WHY, is there something I could do better to get your interest ? It’s often not meant to be creepy . But it totally is . People do have the right to not be intersted in you and not have any reason why . And we have to suck it up and accept the hurt and move on . And honestly , love ourselves more , if they aren’t interested go find someone who is ! Don’t waste time convincing someone your awesome . Find someone who thinks you are :)
Abhainn 3 years ago
I think they should do an article where girls get to say when they realized they were being creepy pervs. Before you downvote me for gender inequality, hear me out. Gender equality and basic human respect go both ways. this means that for every "girl" article BP does, they should do a "guy" article. I'd like an article where guys point out creepy stuff that girls do, and one where girls say, "Hey, it's not ok to treat guys like this" It would just be a great eye-opener for the Ladies like this is eye-opening for the Gentlemen; both can be Eye-opening for both Ladies and Gents and anyone who identifies as in between
Christel Nellemann 3 years ago
You can make that article on reddit or here on panda yourself :-) Btw, do you fear being raped or punched or just verbally attacked, when you decline creepy advances from girls? Making sure, you do not walk alone to your car in a dark spot etc?
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Robert Brewer 3 years ago
It's funny that, growing up, I never thought of myself as interesting for a girl. I just treated them as friends, not thinking about the sexuality side. It was when I joined the army that I realised that I knew nothing about what everybody was talking about. I became popular because I was quiet.
pusheen buttercup 3 years ago
I had a guy come up to me when I was shopping with my mother at Target. The first thing he asked was my age- and then he asked my name, but in a box-checking sort of way. "Age, sex, name, location." Ok but what about hi and my name is...?! He may have just been an awkward person, but my instincts at the time were screaming at me. I had a bad feeling about him and I didn't want to find out if I was right.
DC 3 years ago
I'm actually a bit surprised how much stuff that truly isn't hard to detect as creepy has been seen as normal by people until they were beat to it that even I, who doesn't talk to strangers unless necessary, never touches anyone casually (actually, there is a place I don't visit anymore because I hate when people I see less than once a year hug me ... or anybody to begin with) and generally avoids being around people knew were wrong. How can someone who actually engages in social activities even get along not knowing these are wrong without being beat to it every single day?
Stille20 3 years ago
I think women do some pretty creepy things that people don't see as threatening. When men do the same things they are usually bigger, stronger, often in a position of power. Women are taught how to avoid being a victim and something happes, it's because we weren't careful enough.
Oskar vanZandt 3 years ago
Care to elaborate? Misandry= "...the hatred of, contempt for, or prejudice against men or boys in general". You feeling victimised? You may very well be the problem.
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Happy_Pandalover 3 years ago
Ah no, that‘s not how it should be. You see everyone makes mistakes and sometimes our actions come off as weird to others. The men in these examples learned by their mistakes and evolved into nicer persons :). Maybe this wouldn‘t have happened if they didn‘t have that experiences. If you‘re unsure, just tell the other person that you‘re insecure at that you don‘t mean to come off weird. Most people will understand you. Also there is nothing wrong with approaching a person, as long as you respect their privacy. Good luck.
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Happy_Pandalover 3 years ago (edited)
Good for you. It seems like you have never been creeped out by a person invading your privacy or taking revenge on you for „not liking them back“. This is not about feminism, but about treating other people with respect and understanding their emotions.
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Samantha Power 3 years ago
This was a good article. I am a female and have been stalked more times than I can remember. What I would like to point out is so many men can not take no for an answer, if I politely decline a man who is interested in me and I am not interested in them, they can get angry, verbally abusive and bombard me with messages and whining emails asking why I don't like them (of course I block them) but they can reappear under a different name. Because you are attracted to a person, it does not guarantee that they are attracted to you.
Happy_Pandalover 3 years ago (edited)
Agreed. It's about accepting that the other person doesn't need to like you back. I've also made the experience, that men would ignore my NOs and later they'd still say i had been flirting with them or sending explicit signals, while i'd always said no. Some even said i had tricked them, but i said NO from the start. Once i told a male friend about my "problem" and they'd be like "Why won't you take it as a compiment. Many men are into you." Ehh no. It's not a compliment if a person ignores your feelings.
Load More Replies... Happy_Pandalover 3 years ago (edited)
I‘m always happy for anyone, regardless of their gender, who realizes something and moves on to become a better person. Heads up for the guys for their self reflection. I also like the fact, that some realized their behaviour was also hurting themselves. I know people usually don‘t mean any harm (most of the time they want to be extra helpful or friendly). But if your plan involves invading a person’s privacy, most of the time it‘s not a great idea. A guy i barely knew sent me invitations to an event per mail - without further notice. I never gave him my address, he found out by stalking me online. He thought, i’d be happy about his effort, but he just creeped me of. Maybe it‘s because i had a bad experience before in the past (i was stalked, which was way worse), but i just don‘t like to be oberwhelmed.
Random Anon 3 years ago
Growing up looking like a girl gave me a perspective my guy friends did not have. Like, that movement tracking stare is no good. They never listened to me and I get it. Not much weight coming from another dude. It's until they themselves got girlfriends they began recognizing the body language that is threatening to a woman by sensing the discomfort in their partners. I guess it's better late than never.
Doggo Froggo 3 years ago
My father looked like an attractive girl from his teens to 30s so he got to see how women can be treated by strangers with catcalling etc and, of course, always keeps his actions in check. That experience probably helped a lot (but I think he would be the same if he hadn't had that experience, tbh)
Load More Replies... June 3 years ago
One day I matched with a guy on tinder... He seemed really cool until he said something like "well, if she doesn't consent that's less fun". "Man. You're talking about RAPE." He never realized. Biggest red flag ever, rape culture is creepy as hell. The last thing I told him: "that's wrong. I'd never feel safe with you". He never got it.
Doggo Froggo 3 years ago
Dodged one BIG bullet there and I am glad for you
Load More Replies... renee brack 3 years ago
I had tears in my eyes reading these posts. It's the first time I felt there was hope for the future - that education and epiphanies then behaviour improvements in were possible. My life was hell from age 8 because of unwanted male attention. As a middle-aged woman, I'm single and live alone because a monkish existence became preferable and idealised compared to what the horrors of coupledom presented over the decades. Oh, the stories I could tell..
Leo Domitrix 3 years ago
A guy in college called me constantly, then got an arm around me in tutoring situation (I was tutoring him) and kissed me without permission... I flipped out, went out the window (first floor). He called me a psycho b*tch. Nobody asked him what caused me to dive out a window fearing for my safety. (Hmm. An arm suddenly restraining me, mouth on my face.... While I'm explaining molar weights?!)
Josh Tall 3 years ago
I really want to know how these guys learned this behavior. I grew up the oldest of 4 boys, raised by a single mom and was just afraid of girls. I never thought, for once that being aggressive or very forward was a good move.
Izzy 3 years ago
But why did you see them as different at all? No judgment, I just wish I understood this better.
Load More Replies... Seabeast 3 years ago
It's great that these men came to a realization. But some men, when you point out what not to do, get really defensive and say something like "Well, I guess I can't talk to women ever again, then.", or "Well I guess I can't ask a woman out on a date at work or I'll get fired".
Fiona C 3 years ago
Tell them if that's what they have to do to not be creep then yes
Load More Replies... Karin Jansen 3 years ago
A few years ago, I went to Israel (Tel Aviv) with a few friends and was shocked at the level of respect and decency the men had. No drunken groping, no cat calling, no following you, no "not taking no for an answer". Flirting sure, but also treating women like actual human beings and replying to a rejection with: "No worries, nice talking to you, have a great night." Suddenly I was so saddened with what I've had to put up with back home in Europe. Like I hadn't fully realized before how scary and imposing men could be..
Friedemann P 3 years ago
Couple of years ago I was late at work because I meet up some colleagues to play cards and drink a bit. Round about midnight I walked home and my walk went thru a park. In this area (close to the University Campus) a young student got raped some weeks before. It was in my mind because we talked about it this evening. When I arrived the park a young female student walked some meters in front of me. I was thinking how uncomfortable she maybe feel and I thought (in my bit drunk mind) that she feel a bit more safe when I catch up and chat a bit. So I walked a bit faster to catch up and realized that she also walked faster so I slow down a bit and said „hey, are you okay!“ after I said that she start to run… end of the story… it’s may sound funny because I had the best intentions but at this night I was definitely the creepy guy! It’s a shame that women can’t walk thru a park without fear and I realized ones again in such a privileged situation I been just because I’m a man…
AlmightyOne 3 years ago
Tips for guys given to you by a woman: 1) do not catcall us! It makes us very uncomfortable and will decrease your chances with us. 2) treat us like normal people! Chances are if you come up to a girl at a restaurant or bar and simply say "hi" or "do you mind if I sit here?" we will reciprocate and you may end up with a new friend or even a phone number! 3) don't touch us without our consent. This should really go without saying. 4) get to know us as friends or coworkers before the romantic stuff! It will be less creepy if you confess to us that way. Thanks, and I hope you all learned something today. Gals, let me know if I should change or add anything.
Christel Nellemann 3 years ago
Add about taking cues. Some may not directly say no, or turn down clearly because of fright of an aggressive respons. Do not get aggresive when turned down.
Load More Replies... kjorn 3 years ago
remember when i was in highschool with i girl i knew for a long time, not a even a friend, just a girl i know for few year that a find really cute, intelligent, some drive, etc... and i remember i just watched Cyrano de Bergerac and all the poetry, the love, etc.. give me some kick in the butt to try something. so i write her a letter where i told her that i loved her and put the letter in her case in school. i was pretty terrified of the result. i remember the day after that i was anxious since she was sit next to me. but i realise after putting the letter that i forgot to put my name on it. the next morning when she came in class she was furious! that intimidated me too much to do something and i just shut my mouth and let it go. i know it was a creepy thing to do. she never knew who it was and this was just forgotten after that.
Happy_Pandalover 3 years ago (edited)
what you did was not creepy at all if you had put your name on it :). (as long as you didn‘t write anything creepy, but i assume you wrote nice words). this girl was probably creeped out because the letter came totally random and anonymously. plus, you guys were so young. at that age you‘d take things a lot more serious and dramatic :)
Load More Replies... Ileana Sky Aviles 3 years ago
Thank you for this article, I hope it gets incredible views as I've become a hermit from these kinds of behavior. Just fed up, tired and would rather be left alone even as an extrovert. Self awareness, respect, consideration can open a lot of doors to real, genuine interactions. Great men can sadly miss out from not knowing better.
Jessica Aubé 3 years ago
Honestly as a woman I have been guilty of some of these things myself The rejection one really called me out. Being rejected sucks and we often want to know WHY, is there something I could do better to get your interest ? It’s often not meant to be creepy . But it totally is . People do have the right to not be intersted in you and not have any reason why . And we have to suck it up and accept the hurt and move on . And honestly , love ourselves more , if they aren’t interested go find someone who is ! Don’t waste time convincing someone your awesome . Find someone who thinks you are :)
Abhainn 3 years ago
I think they should do an article where girls get to say when they realized they were being creepy pervs. Before you downvote me for gender inequality, hear me out. Gender equality and basic human respect go both ways. this means that for every "girl" article BP does, they should do a "guy" article. I'd like an article where guys point out creepy stuff that girls do, and one where girls say, "Hey, it's not ok to treat guys like this" It would just be a great eye-opener for the Ladies like this is eye-opening for the Gentlemen; both can be Eye-opening for both Ladies and Gents and anyone who identifies as in between
Christel Nellemann 3 years ago
You can make that article on reddit or here on panda yourself :-) Btw, do you fear being raped or punched or just verbally attacked, when you decline creepy advances from girls? Making sure, you do not walk alone to your car in a dark spot etc?
Load More Replies... Robert Brewer 3 years ago
It's funny that, growing up, I never thought of myself as interesting for a girl. I just treated them as friends, not thinking about the sexuality side. It was when I joined the army that I realised that I knew nothing about what everybody was talking about. I became popular because I was quiet.
pusheen buttercup 3 years ago
I had a guy come up to me when I was shopping with my mother at Target. The first thing he asked was my age- and then he asked my name, but in a box-checking sort of way. "Age, sex, name, location." Ok but what about hi and my name is...?! He may have just been an awkward person, but my instincts at the time were screaming at me. I had a bad feeling about him and I didn't want to find out if I was right.
DC 3 years ago
I'm actually a bit surprised how much stuff that truly isn't hard to detect as creepy has been seen as normal by people until they were beat to it that even I, who doesn't talk to strangers unless necessary, never touches anyone casually (actually, there is a place I don't visit anymore because I hate when people I see less than once a year hug me ... or anybody to begin with) and generally avoids being around people knew were wrong. How can someone who actually engages in social activities even get along not knowing these are wrong without being beat to it every single day?
Stille20 3 years ago
I think women do some pretty creepy things that people don't see as threatening. When men do the same things they are usually bigger, stronger, often in a position of power. Women are taught how to avoid being a victim and something happes, it's because we weren't careful enough.
Oskar vanZandt 3 years ago
Care to elaborate? Misandry= "...the hatred of, contempt for, or prejudice against men or boys in general". You feeling victimised? You may very well be the problem.
Load More Replies... Happy_Pandalover 3 years ago
Ah no, that‘s not how it should be. You see everyone makes mistakes and sometimes our actions come off as weird to others. The men in these examples learned by their mistakes and evolved into nicer persons :). Maybe this wouldn‘t have happened if they didn‘t have that experiences. If you‘re unsure, just tell the other person that you‘re insecure at that you don‘t mean to come off weird. Most people will understand you. Also there is nothing wrong with approaching a person, as long as you respect their privacy. Good luck.
Load More Replies... Happy_Pandalover 3 years ago (edited)
Good for you. It seems like you have never been creeped out by a person invading your privacy or taking revenge on you for „not liking them back“. This is not about feminism, but about treating other people with respect and understanding their emotions.
Load More Replies... 
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