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Anyone in a long-term relationship can tell you it's no easy walk in the park. Just think about the heated arguments, compromises, and misunderstandings — navigating the ups and downs is quite a task right there, especially when it comes to marriage. Well, no one is immune to the occasional blips and bumps in the road, and this viral thread is here to prove it.
Reddit user Zorra_ decided to find out what blunders happen after people tie the knot and say "I do". They raised a question on the Ask Reddit online forum: "Marriage counselors, what are the most common mistakes couples make?" Hundreds of professionals rolled up their sleeves and typed some of the things they witnessed during their careers.
Bored Panda handpicked the best pieces of advice this thread had to offer that might help guide you through the biggest roadblocks. Continue scrolling, upvote the ones you agree with, and make sure to check out our previous posts on the never-ending topic of marriage right here, here, and here.
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#1
I'm not a marriage counselor but my wife posted a very meaningful and controversial article the other day and tagged me in it because I agree with its philosophy. It was titled "Your kids should not be the most important part of your marriage." Of course, many parents were offended and complained bitterly about the article. But we don't make our kids the center of our marriage. We devote a lot of time to them and keep them healthy and educated, of course, but we spend just as much time on each other. If Mom and Dad are happy, the kids are likely to be happy. On many occasions, my wife will rush to get a few things done for the kids in the morning and ask me, playfully "Hey, you wanna do me in the bedroom real quick?!" And I will fix dinner and get the kids to bed so her and I can have some fun and cuddle while we talk about our day. Kids don't define your marriage, you and your spouse absolutely do.
lenka 2 years ago
Agree. Hubby and I are the foundation of the family. Our relationship existed before the children and it needs to exist after the children. They are safe and happy and secure when we are together and modelling a healthy loving relationship. It's in their best interests that we stay together and to do that we need to make each other a priority.
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#2
Wife has degree in marriage and family counseling. One of the bigger factors in a successful marriage are couples responding to “repair attempts” during arguments/conflict. Repair attempts are often little jokes or olive branches to help overcome issues and arguments.
En example: My wife didn’t buy movie tickets in advance for date night this last Sunday and it was sold out. It sucked! She laughed and sheepishly said, “we’ll, at least we get to spend more time together staring longingly into each other’s eyes!” That was her repair attempt. It works two ways though, I also have to respond positively to it... which I did. We did a lot of staring longingly into each other’s eyes last Sunday.
#3
when one half says "I am not happy about X", do not respond with "ok but I am unhappy with Y." Fix X. Get settled. Then bring up Y if you still need to.
- 2 years ago (edited)
I did bring up something from years back that had really bothered me. I worded it as a question - "Why did you behave as you did?" which gave me insight into my partner's thinking. Then I calmly said, "It would have helped me if you had done --" Then I moved on. He's been terrific in other situations, so it helps me to know what situations are more difficult for him and why.
#4
Expecting one person to be everything for them. You need friends, coworkers, a support system, and hobbies.
#5
Children.
For the love of everything that is good and pure, don’t bring a child into a broken marriage expecting him to be the lifesaver, it has never worked and it will never, a child is supposed to be the consolidation of the mutual love of the couple, he arrives because the marriage is in a good place, not the other way around.
I work with kids and trust me, most kids are fully aware when mom and dad are in a bad state and he is the only reason they aren’t splitting, and also I have seen the typical dumb parent who believed once the child arrived his/her partner would have a change of heart and would be a better person, of course it didn’t happen, and of course the child was caught in the middle of that crossfire.
Why these people believe a child is the ultimate trump card for saving a marriage is beyond me
Veronica Sjöberg 2 years ago
Yes. Children will never save a relationship. It's the other way around. Many relationships are great pre-kids but doesn't work after. Children tend to push gender roles to the extreme and takes a lot of focus away from you as a couple. That combination destroy relationships if it isn't strong to begin with. Make sure to work on your relationship before you have kids so it's strong enough to "be on hold" for as long as the kids needs you more.
#6
Divorce lawyer here.
Talk. About. Money.
Talk. About. Sex.
If you're marrying someone with a sh*tty credit score, you should know how and why they ended up with it, lest you find yourself in their shoes very quickly. A credit score can cost thousands and take Y E A R S to rebuild. Know if they have any tax liens or liability. Are they paying child support and do they have any kind of garnishment? Who is going to be responsible for managing the finances? How many credit cards does the other person have and what are their balances? I've seen money kill a lot of marriages.
Another one a lot of people don't think of is actually talking about sex, not just having it. Do you enjoy the sex you have? Would you like to have more of it? Less? Would you like to se it change? Do you or the other person have any weird kinks? Just have the talk. Different sexual wavelengths can be difficult to reconcile.
#7
When I was in my twenties, I was working as a nursing assistant, and the veteran nurse on the unit walked in holding hands with her husband. I commented that you don't see that every day, and she leaned in and said, 'You want to know the secret, kid?' I said yes, and she continued, 'People don't know how to grow and change together. You will change, and so will your partner. But the question is whether you know how to grow and change together.'
Marco Hub-Dub 2 years ago (edited)
Growing and changing together isn’t about bending or capitulating to your partner. It’s about supporting their positive change and growth and assimilating into your life while you grow and change in positive ways and share your experiences with them. It’s about letting go of ego, power politics and selfish agendas in appropriate doses for the sake of exchanging interests and experiences and being happy for them and supportive. Or, having a sense of wonder that is shared and validated. If your reaction to this posts advice is that you’d be giving up any aspect of your character or identity to grow & learn with your partner, you are not grown nor have learned enough to be in a truly happy and authentically healthy relationship.
#8
Not listening, most people listen to respond and don't listen to hear. This is what I spend the most time teaching couples how to do!
#9
Not expressing gratitude towards your partner on a regular basis. Experiences and expressions of gratitude can have a really positive effect on psychological well being as well as relational strength.
#10
Not a therapist but I read an article once that I found very useful. I can’t remember he exact terms but basically, how you react when your partner reaches out with small probes for connection. It’s not necessarily big hobbies or interests, but little things throughout every day that are sort of unconscious reaches for positive feedback from your partner. For example: I see a pretty bird outside and I say “omg! Come look at this cool bird!” Or “hey check out this song I heard that I really like.” If my partner passively or blatantly rejects that, it feels bad, even if I don’t always fully recognize that in the moment. Over time, those micro-rejections as I call them start to buildup and it’s why people start to feel like someone doesn’t really care about them.
On the flip side, even just a little bit of positive attention and sharing in a moment makes you feel so good, again even if you don’t realize it. Getting up and looking at the bird is saying, “this is important to you in this moment so it’s important to me.” It’s basically like those are the small shared experiences that build up a joint life and if you start to neglect your partner in those small ways, you can grow distant.
I try really hard now to never ignore or reject my partners small reaches. I often don’t care about the Instagram meme he wants to show me or the latest NBA news, but I’ll listen or look and laugh because I want him to feel loved and appreciated.
Madeleine Wade 2 years ago
They are called bids. When a certain threshold of bids are ignored or rejected (something like 20 percent) then the relationship deteriorates. This can include attempts at eye contact or any kind of attention.
#11
Expecting partners to be able to read their mind and anticipate needs and wants.
#12
Getting married because they wanted a wedding, not because they wanted to be married.
T. D. Bostick 2 years ago
Another mistake: blowing your life savings on a wedding ceremony and then wondering why you fight over finances later.
#14
I was asked once.... what is marriage, 50/50? 60/40? 75/25? I said 50/50. Nope! The answer is 100/100. Both must be willing to do everything for each other, all of the time. Simple as that. Free advice I thought I would pass along.
#15
Keeping score. A partnership is a team, not a competition. Whether a person keeps score of everything they have done, or everything their partner has done, it is a death knell for the relationship. This is one of the most common causes of resentment in a relationship, and you see it often when people use absolute terms to describe themselves or their partners (I.e: I always..., she never...). Remembering that each person has his/her own needs, abilities, skills, and boundaries is essential to a healthy couple.
JustAnother Soul 2 years ago
I keep score of all the wonderful, kind, thoughtful things he does. I remind myself of these things whenever I start to feel critical. I also tell him how appreciative I am every day for all the good things he does for me.
#16
As soon as couple stops being on the same team, fighting all the bullsh*t of life together, things fall apart. Get on the same team. Get behind each other's goals. If you're not on the same team, you're just going to wind up annoying the f*ck out of each other. All that bullsh*t of life is going to be beating you down and your life partner is just going to be part of it instead of a refuge.
Veronica Sjöberg 2 years ago
Yes. If you're not a team you just break each other down and there is no "safe place". That's really toxic.
#17
Going to a marriage counselor believing that it's like a judge and s/he will tell them who's right and who's wrong.
#18
The most important thing I would stress is don't go to bed angry.
If my wife and I have a problem, we talk it out or the lights stay on until we're done.
You cannot let those silent wedges dig their way into your souls. Something will break eventually, and may be irreparable.
I would like to end with a very positive example of communication.
Last Saturday my wife and I woke up and started cooking for an evening to be spent at a friend's house to watch the new Deadwood movie. We LOVE the series and have watched it at least 4 or 5 times. We were going to make a themed meal of a crock pot of chili with cornbread and of course, peaches with authorized cinnamon.
My wife put on the soundtrack for the show, and we got started in the kitchen.
As she was taking something down from the cupboard, I noticed the scattering of gray in her hair.
Then the Lyle Lovett song "Old Friend" began to play. It had never meant much to me before, but in that moment it hit me SO hard. I nearly broke down on the spot. Remember how Amelie dissolved into a puddle? That's what my heart did. I realized that she is my old friend. Of course, I don't think of her as old, but we're both getting older. Still, at 63 she's often mistaken for being a decade younger. Attitude and energy counts for a lot, and that's part of the reason why we fit so well because we still feel young at heart.
I took a minute to compose myself and we carried on cooking.
But that feeling wouldn't go away. It wasn't as if I didn't know that she's the love of my life, but that moment was such an intense confirmation that it took me two days to tell her because I wasn't sure that I'd get through it without breaking down, and I didn't want her to think that my tears meant something was wrong.
I told her yesterday afternoon when I got home from work, and she was so happy to hear it. She's been out of work for six months, and really struggling with feelings of inadequacy and attractiveness. We've both gained some weight, but to me, she's still as beautiful and sexy as ever.
She really appreciated hearing how I felt exactly because she was dealing with all these negative thoughts, and just me telling her how I felt was a big boost for her.
Talk to your partners, people! Don't assume. Confirm.
Love needs to be nurtured in order to last.
Do the work.
#19
Not giving intimacy in their relationship enough attention. This includes but is not limited to sex. Many relationships start with the "hot and heavy" phase where intimacy can come naturally. As this phase diminishes many couples do not spend the time and energy to consider how to maintain a healthy level of intimacy now that it doesn't just come naturally.
#20
Expecting that because your significant other knows you better than others and is around you most, that they are aware of all of your thoughts and feelings. Your partner is not psychic, and no matter how often they are around you or how well they know you, they cannot pick up on every nuance to determine how you are feeling and how they should respond. That is called emotional babysitting, and it cascades into a host of problems and unnecessary hurt.
El muerto 2 years ago
and if you don't get it right 100% then you are selfish...nobody can care for you if they don't know what is going on inside you...just because you have told me all your traumas, that doesn't mean I can figure out everything you are going to feel an any giving moment...by the way, I'm also dealing with feelings that don't pause themselves as soon as yours come on
#21
Lack of communication/comfort with discussing difficult topics. Or one partner being uncomfortable with discussion a topic which leaves both partners feeling frustrated or dissatisfied.
The Cute Cat 2 years ago
Communication is always the key.. And you could not always expect to be correct..
#22
When your significant other brings something to your attention, that they need/want, don't react harshly if it's something they've refused to bring up sooner. Getting loud or defensive "Why didn't you bring this up sooner!" will make them shy away from bringing things up again due to negative reinforcement/backlash.
This is especially true if they've been victims of any kind of abusive relationships.
Source: Literally killed my marriage because I was an idiot and didn't respond in an open, non-positive way.
Erik Oppenneer 2 years ago
Life isn't about not stepping in piles of poo, it is about not stepping in the same one twice.
#23
When you're hurt, say so, and stop trying to 'hurt back'. When someone does something or says something hurtful, whether conscious or not, let them know in a non accusatory way before you begin the game of throwing daggers. Much of the relationship damage that couples endure is the back and forth hurt-each-other game that snowballs out of control, causing a ton more damage.
Laura Henderson 2 years ago
This is such a valuable point and should be much higher. Lashing back when hurt is an easy response, using the energy thrown at you to throw back. It takes practice and presence of mind to breathe, block the energy and say that it hurt you, and it saves so much escalation and unnecessary pain.
#24
Thinking that they have to feel 'in love' at all times, and that if they don't, then they obviously married the wrong person.
Hobby Hopper 2 years ago
This. How could anyone watch all the TV and movies and read the books that reinforce this idea and not think so. But, it's a lie. Every relationship goes through ups and downs, sometimes big ones. It takes work.
#25
They say people divorce over money, but they don't — they divorce over values. And nothing brings out someone's values — or lack thereof — like money. If you can't understand the person's priorities, fears, hopes, dreams, goals, and what drives them financially, if you look down on them for any of that, or if think you'll be able to fix any of that, don't marry them.
Carol Emory 2 years ago
I think this should be up higher. My parents also had a strained marriage because I think my Grandparents thought my dad married beneath him. They never really accepted my mother and she knew it. My father never held it against her and defended her to his parents. But he wasn't willing to draw the line in the sand either of "Stop treating her this way or you will never see me or your grandkids again." I was shocked when he told me years later that when he was 10 years old, he prayed to meet a girl he could take care of and help. I thought..that's why the marriage failed...you should have been praying for a woman that could be your best friend and equal. I'm so glad my marriage was nothing like my parents.
#26
Therapist here, have served couples.
Number one problem I see is overactive threat response creating anger and rigidity. People don’t stop to turn down their defense mode, and lose sight of love because all their energy is going towards being right or controlling the outcome. Of course that control comes from a place of fear, but fear and vulnerability feels too dangerous, so it typically gets expressed as anger, frustration, or rigidity.
Surrender to not having control, accept what’s in front of you, and cultivate compassion. Please. Because y’all rigid couples who just can’t prioritize empathizing with each other over your fear response are driving me nuts! :)
lenka 2 years ago
I come from an abuse background so my fear response is very strong. I'm not always able to control or accept that fear. What I CAN do is say to hubby, I'm not able to put my fear aside at the moment and have this conversation safely. I need some time to process and would like to come back to this conversation when I am able. Sometimes it only takes me an hour or two and sometimes it takes me days. My husband knows its not personal and he is infinitely patient. I make sure he knows how much I appreciate him making this space for me and we dont loose sight of each other in the process.
#27
People don't learn to fight. You have to fight fair in a relationship. People go nuts when they get mad and some couples never learn to fight in a way that honors the person you are fighting with. It is so important to learn to respect space, don't assume motives, and take turns in explaining your views.
Its a big deal and I work on it quite a bit in counseling.
Veronica Sjöberg 2 years ago
YES. All couples fight. If you fight in a right way it can bring you closer but fighting in the wrong way just destroy the relationship. It's not bad to argue or fight, but if you don't fight in a productive way you just pile up arguments and they get more severe over time.
#28
Never lash the other with past misbehaviors when trying to resolve a current issue. We have been married 17 years so there is limitless [stuff] we can pull out of our history together to highlight past wrongs and that just derails what could be a quick resolution.
Sareaesque 2 years ago
if the two issues are unrelated then yes, but if the current issue is just the latest in an ongoing problem, then highlighting the history of that repeated issue could help to identify a larger problem.
#29
I've been married for 10 years and my partner is an MFT. All of the suggestions in this thread are wonderful and accurate. The one thing that I want to add onto them is probably the biggest lesson that my partner and I have discovered over time: people change. You will change. They will change. It is nigh impossible to have the same relationship 2 years in that you did at the start--don't try to hold onto it. The only way my partner and I have stayed together for as long as we have is because we were able to adapt to each other.
That being said, don't try to force a relationship that's inherently dysfunctional. It's not a mark of failure for a relationship to end. Change seems scary, but the truth is you've already changed.
T. D. Bostick 2 years ago
MFT? Multi-Functional Turkey? My Favorite Transformer? Misinterpreted Fancy Terminology?
#30
Currently a student in a Clinical Psychology Doctorate Program, focusing in Marriage and Family.
If you aren't already familiar with it, I would recommend taking a look at John Gottman's work on romantic relationships. He is one of the best known researchers on this topic. Perhaps his most famous work is The Four Horsemen - in a 30 minute interview, Gottman was able to accurately predict which couples would divorce based on their interactions with each other, particularly when those interactions included:
1) Criticism
2) Contempt
3) Defensiveness
4) Stonewalling
Research from the Gottman institute has expanded on this to provide a pretty comprehensive list of factors that lead to couple conflict and divorce. Gottman also addresses solutions to these issues, which primarily exist within his form of couples therapy.
Take this all with a grain of salt. This is one perspective on relationships, but it tends to be a pretty robust and well-researched one (and it happens to be the one I'm the most familiar with).
My personal understanding on the issue is that problems arise from a lack of humility and the challenge of getting out of deeply engrained patterns/cycles of conflict (which generally requires both partners to accept fault and extend grace).
What do you think ?
Leo Domitrix 2 years ago
After 30 years, with two bouts of marital counseling? I can safely say: Communicate, cooperate, compromise, and take "YOU" out of what you say to the other person when you're angry. "I'm upset!" is much easier on a relationship than "You don't understand!" And for pity's sake ---- walk into separate rooms, calm down, ask how much of your emotion/reaction is your own issues, *then* talk. By e-mail if you must. Couples *will* have arguments, disagreements, etc., but if you lose your sh*t, do so with the preface, "I'm not angry at you, I'ma ngry about the situation!" It's funny how often you'll find your partner agrees with you about the situation, if not your reaction to it.
Hosanna Cole 2 years ago
Don't let parents arrange your marriage! https://growingupamishmichigan.blogspot.com/2022/08/can-amish-and-plain-community-girls.html
Load More Replies... Ein Steinbeck 2 years ago
This is all great, but did no one else notice that the original Reddit that BP ripped off is 2+ years old now? Come on...
Jasper Cool 2 years ago
I could never be a marriage counselor. I'd rather do individual abnormal psych stuff all day every day than treat couples. I'm autistic though so not only do romantic relationships seem completely irrational but my brain makes me operate differently in them and sometimes standard relationship advice is not applicable or can be harmful because it's targeted toward neurotypical people.
Leo Domitrix 2 years ago
After 30 years, with two bouts of marital counseling? I can safely say: Communicate, cooperate, compromise, and take "YOU" out of what you say to the other person when you're angry. "I'm upset!" is much easier on a relationship than "You don't understand!" And for pity's sake ---- walk into separate rooms, calm down, ask how much of your emotion/reaction is your own issues, *then* talk. By e-mail if you must. Couples *will* have arguments, disagreements, etc., but if you lose your sh*t, do so with the preface, "I'm not angry at you, I'ma ngry about the situation!" It's funny how often you'll find your partner agrees with you about the situation, if not your reaction to it.
Hosanna Cole 2 years ago
Don't let parents arrange your marriage! https://growingupamishmichigan.blogspot.com/2022/08/can-amish-and-plain-community-girls.html
Load More Replies... Ein Steinbeck 2 years ago
This is all great, but did no one else notice that the original Reddit that BP ripped off is 2+ years old now? Come on...
Jasper Cool 2 years ago
I could never be a marriage counselor. I'd rather do individual abnormal psych stuff all day every day than treat couples. I'm autistic though so not only do romantic relationships seem completely irrational but my brain makes me operate differently in them and sometimes standard relationship advice is not applicable or can be harmful because it's targeted toward neurotypical people.
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