As much as Hollywood might point to infidelity and big, blowout fights as the culprit, more often than not, relationships end up actually dying a slow death of a thousand cuts, from miscommunication, poor management, and just apathy.

A man asked the internet for advice about a fight he had with his wife, after he left her at a party when she was making him late for an important work trip. Despite working out a plan ahead of time, she insisted on staying late, making him risk missing his flight. But when he made the call to simply leave her, he ended up being bombarded with angry texts, so he turned to the internet for advice.

Love isn’t necessarily enough to sustain a marriage

Image credits: LightFieldStudios (not the actual photo)

A husband got into an argument with his wife after leaving her at a party when she was making him late

Image credits: Danila Hamsterman (not the actual photo)

Image credits: Witty-Performance-76

Maintaining a relationship is more than just being in love

As mundane and possibly boring as it sounds, passion and romance can only get a long-term relationship so far. While they are absolutely necessary, they are just a few of the ingredients that make a marriage last. Like baking a cake, one needs eggs, sugar, flour, and generally a few more items. One can’t just skil sugar and add more eggs and expect the cake to be the same. A lot less glamorous is the fact that cohabiting means a decent amount of relationship maintenance. Some psychologists believe that the ratio of “bad experiences” to “good” needs to be about one in five. Even if the bad experiences are fewer in number, most people do not want to stay with a person who makes them feel bad consistently.

Daniel Canary wrote that “simply staying together is not sufficient; instead, the quality of the relationship is important. For researchers, this means examining behaviors that are linked to relational satisfaction and other indicators of quality,” in the International Encyclopedia of Marriage, arguing that a long-term commitment isn’t just a “fire and forget” sort of deal, it has to evolve, grow, and be sustained. The reality is that we have only so many hours in the day, even if all other resources are not constrained. And let’s face it, money and possessions are also something one has to factor in, meaning that relationship maintenance will, inevitably, force people to make compromises.

While it might sound materialistic, being concerned about money is a legitimate fear that can erode trust and weaken a relationship. This is why having joint accounts, savings, insurance, and future prospects are all correlated with successful relationships, while income insecurity has been shown to have negative effects. This all leads us to OP and his decision to leave his wife. In a vacuum, leaving your partner out to dry without a warning is never a good look, but she put him in a position where he had to choose between effectively her having a good time at a party or losing his job. Sometimes ultimatums are necessary in a relationship, as boundaries and red lines are important, but it’s hard to see how another hour at a party is really worth it in this case.

Bad communication and mistrust will ruin a marriage

Even worse, according to OP, there was a plan in place, but the wife simply chose to ignore it. While we’ll never really know why, none of the options are particularly pretty. Perhaps she did not care that he would lose his job, or, even worse, just had no idea that actions have consequences. Seeing that she went to medical school, the connection between action and reaction should have been clear, but the former doesn’t paint her in a particularly good light as well. It’s also possible that she thought they could still make it, and was happy to risk her husband’s career over socializing for another hour or so. All in all, she put him in the uncomfortable position of needing to rush and leave her behind.

If the couple had better communication skills, the same actions could have happened without the subsequent drama. Perhaps she could have stayed longer and found alternative lodgings while he went on the trip, no doubt options were available. But the wife wanted her cake and to eat it as well and did not make her desires clear until the last minute. This is likely a symptom of a larger issue, a lack of trust and openness, and perhaps a difference in values. This is no minor point, shared values and goals are a cornerstone of a successful, long-term relationship. Without them, one party is constantly compromising, and arguing, which will ultimately turn to resentment, killing the marriage or relationship in the long run anyway, only after wasting everyone’s time.

Many readers thought the wife was simply wrong to make him risk his job

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