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Weirdly enough, little Johnny jokes did not originate from the OG prankster Mister Shakespeare’s quill - nobody is entirely sure where these jokes come from. However, we have an origin theory of our own. Wanna hear it? Okay then, but don't be too surprised when we tell you it’s kids.
Yes, we think that Little Johnny’s jokes are based on children’s behavior and thoughts since they combine naivete and straightforwardness. Of course, there’s one more obvious reason to think this theory isn’t far from the truth: the person of the hour in these silly jokes is, actually, a kid.
Scroll down and find our selection of the best clean and dirty jokes! Don’t forget to vote for the most hilarious jokes and share this article with your friends who might be in need of comic relief.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
This week in Little Johnny’s English class, they were learning about punctuation. When they got to periods, Johnny asked, “Why are periods so important?” The teacher informed him and asked why he wanted to know. He said, “When my sister told us that she missed a period, my father began yelling, and my mom passed out.”
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#2
Some of the older neighbourhood boys have been making fun of Little Johnny lately. There latest trick is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime. Johnny always takes the nickel and the older boys laugh at him.
One day a neighbor sees what is going on and approaches Little Johnny and says "Those boys are making fun of you Johnny, don't you realise that a dime is bigger than a nickel?"
Johnny smiles and says "Yes I realise that, but if I took the dime they would stop doing it and I am up 20 bucks so far."
Wondering Alice 2 years ago
This happened with my great uncle and young cousin for years. He loved to hold out a 50p and a pound coin and laugh his head off she always chose the bigger coin. Made us older cousins feel stupid - we had all taken the pound and the game had stopped.
#3
Little Johnny asks the teacher, “Can I be punished for something I haven’t done?”
The teacher is shocked. “Of course not, Johnny! That would be very unfair!”
Johnny is relieved. “That’s good to know,” he says, “Because I haven’t done my homework.”
The Brief History Of Little Johnny Jokes
While it may seem that the Johnny joke manifested out of thin air without any particular catalyst, most of the jokes have an origin story. Corny jokes come from agrarian magazines, yo momma jokes were first created by William Shakespeare, and the little Johnny ones are a very old tradition passed down orally from generation to generation.
#4
Little Johnny is back at school after the holidays. After a few days, his teacher calls up Little Johnny's dad to report that Johnny has been behaving badly at school. His dad says to the teacher "Hang on a minute, I had Johnny at home with me for 2 months and I never phoned you once when he misbehaved."
#5
Little Johnny's teacher is doing her rounds at lunchtime when she sees little Johnny pulling faces at another child. She starts to talk sternly to Little Johnny and says "Johnny when I was a young girl I was told that if I made ugly faces and the wind changed, my face would stay that way."
Little Johnny looks up to her and says "Well miss, you can't say that you weren't warned."
#6
When the class was asked what they would do if they hit the lottery, Johnny didn’t say anything and laid back in his seat. He said that if he hit the lottery, then he would have a secretary to answer the question.
Where Did Little Johnny Jokes Originate?
Since the topic of lil Johnny jokes is so universal—a kid answering questions in a naive and honest manner—it’s hard to attribute them to any particular country. In fact, the number of little Johnny jokes have doubled and can be found in at least 26 countries around the world, from Mexico to the Czech Republic and from Romania to Indonesia.
The only thing that changes is the name of the protagonist, while the joke itself remains essentially the same. If you were wondering how our Little Johnny is called across the world, here are a few examples:
- Argentina: Jaimito
- Croatia: mali Ivica
- Germany: Klein Fritzchen
- Finland: Pikku-Kalle
- Sri Lanka: Amdan
- Senegal: Mandemba
- Poland: Jasio
- Armenia: Vardanik
Basically, there’s a little Johnny for each of the 26 countries. And when you think of it, it is truly wonderful how alike the sense of humor is across the globe.
#7
During the concert little Johnny sits in the front row waiting for the concert to begin.
A friend asks: "Johnny, how did you manage to get a ticket to the concert?"
Johnny replies: "I got a ticket from my sister."
The friend asks: "And where is your sister?"
Johnny says: "Back at home, looking for her ticket."
#8
Little Johnny’s new sibling was crying and screaming for hours. He asked his parents where they got him from. They reply, “Oh, we got him straight from heaven.” Johnny said, “Jeez. I see why they kicked him out of there.”
#9
Teacher: “If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?” Johnny: “One dollar.” Teacher: “You don’t know your arithmetic.” Johnny: “And you don’t know my father!”
Russ Kincade 2 years ago
Teacher: " If there are three birds on the fence and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny: "None". Teacher: “You don’t know your arithmetic.” Johnny: " You don't know birds. If you shoot one, the other two will fly away"
How Old Are Little Johnny Jokes?
Since nobody ever documented the first-ever mention of the Johnny joke, we can’t be sure how old they are. Our best bet would be it’s pretty old, which is, of course, no kind of answer.
However, we know for sure when little Johnny first became a star on the silver screen, if not in the written word.
Johnny’s Italian counterpart, Pierino (or Little Peter), became quite famous during the seventies and eighties with four zany comedy movies attributed to the character. The first one to hit the movie screens was a 1981 movie called “Pierino Contro Tutti,” and due to its popularity, three more movies featuring the character were made. It’s worth mentioning that these movies were definitely not meant for kids since they featured a comprehensive dirty little Johnny jokes collection.
Have you seen them? If so, let us know your impressions in the comments.
#10
Teacher: "Can you tell me something important that didn't exist 100 years ago?"
Little Johnny: "Me!"
#11
English teacher asks the class: “Which tense is the sentence ‘I AM BEAUTIFUL’?”
Little Johnny replies, “Clearly, past tense.”
#12
Teacher: "How much is half of 8?"
Little Johnny: "Up and down or across?"
Teacher: "What do you mean?"
Little Johnny: "Well, up and down makes a 3, or across the middle leaves a 0!"
Who Makes Little Johnny Jokes?
Because of their universal nature, the lil Johnny jokes can be made by absolutely anyone. Just make sure to choose the appropriate ones for the occasion!
Lots of these jokes are absolutely appropriate for kids of various ages, but there also are quite a few dirty little Johnny jokes around. Our advice would be to read the full joke for yourself before sharing it with others.
#13
“So what have you been doing at school today, Johnny?”
“I don’t really want to talk about it, mom. You’ll see it later on the news, anyways.”
#14
The teacher asked the class to stand up if they ever feel stupid. Johnny groaned before standing. She asked, “So Johnny feels stupid occasionally?” To which he replied, “No, but it must be hard for you to stand alone.”
#15
Teacher: "Now Little Johnny, be honest, do you say your prayers every night before dinner?"
Johnny: "No miss, my mother is a really good cook."
Abby Harrison 2 years ago
lol seems like he should. if she a bad cook. he should pray the food dosnt kill him.
#16
Teacher: “If you got ten dollars from ten people, what would you have?” Johnny: “A new bike”.
Madeleine Flowers 2 years ago
If I ever meet a teacher who asks me something like this, you know what my answer is going to be.
#17
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned.
Susie said, "He was born in a manger."
Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."
Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."
Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"
"From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"
#18
The teacher was terrified to hear Little Johnny swear. “I never want you to use language like that again. Where on earth did you pick it up?” “From my father.” said Johnny. “Well, he should be ashamed of himself. And it’s no reason for you to talk like that. You don’t even know what it means.” “I do.” said Johnny. “It means the car won’t start.”
#19
Teacher: "What is an island?"
Little Johnny: "A piece of land surrounded by water except on one side."
Teacher: "On one side?"
Little Johnny: "Yes, on top!"
#20
Little Johnny was sent back to bed for the tenth time that evening and his mommy is not amused. She says, “Johnny, if I hear one more time ‘Mommy, I want this, mommy, I want that’, you will be in big trouble! I don’t want to hear the word mommy again tonight. Now off to bed you go!” There’s a short pause, after which Johnny says hesitantly, “Mrs Lambden, I want a glass of water, please.”
#21
At school: "Johnny, where’s your homework?"
Johnny: "I’m very sorry, I don’t have it here."
Teacher: "How come?"
Johnny: "I ate my exercise books."
Teacher: "What?! Why would you do such a thing?!"
Johnny: "The dog refused to."
#22
Little Johnny comes home and tells his daddy, “Dad, tomorrow there’s a special ‘Adults’ evening’ at school."
Daddy is surprised, “Really? Special?”
“Yes,” nods Johnny, “it will be just you, the teacher, the headmaster and two police officers.”
#23
Teacher: “I hope I didn’t see you looking at Tommy’s test paper.” Johnny: “I hope you didn’t see me either.”
#24
Teacher: "What is the most common phrase used in school?"
Little Johnny: "I don't know!"
Teacher: "Correct!"
#25
Teacher: "If 1 + 1 = 2 and 2 + 2 = 4, what is 4 + 4?"
Little Johnny: "That's not fair you answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!"
#26
History teacher asks Little Johnny: "Where was the French – English peace treaty from 1800 signed?"
Little Johnny: “Bottom right corner.”
#27
One day, Little Johnny told his parents that he was ready to live alone. They were very proud of him and supportive, until Johnny said, “Great, I left your luggage next to the front door. See ya!”
#28
Teacher: “Where’s the English Channel?” Johnny: “I don’t know. My television doesn’t pick it up.”
#29
Teacher: "Little Johnny, you are late to class again."
Johnny: "But miss, you said that it is never too late to learn."
#30
Mother, “Johnny, if you keep being this naughty, you’ll get kids who will be very naughty to you!”
Johnny, “Oh mom, you just betrayed yourself there, didn’t you?”
#31
Little Johnny was struggling with his school grades. One day he surprises his teacher with an announcement. He walks up to her and says, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!"
#32
During English class, the teacher asks Little Johnny "Have you ever heard of the word contagious before?"
"of course, miss" Johnny replies "My father actually said it when we were talking yesterday".
"Can you repeat it for the class and tell us how he used it in a sentence?"
"Yes, miss. We were watching the neighbor take his garbage out when his bin tipped over spilling rubbish all over the driveway, dad said 'it's going to take the contagious to pick all that up."
#33
The teacher asked why George Washington’s father didn’t punish him for chopping down the cherry tree. Little Johnny said, “Easy. Because the ax was in George’s hands.”
XxRayne CloudxX 2 years ago
It's actually historically inaccurate that George Washington chopped down his father's cherry tree, just watch the show Adam ruins everything
#34
During parent-teacher conferences, the teachers asked the students what their parents did. Little Johnny said that his father is a magician. The teacher asked what his favorite magic trick is. Johnny said, “Well, he likes to cut people in half. I have two half-siblings.”
Nicole Krenzler 2 years ago (edited)
Reminds of the old joke about the mother with 6 kids. The social worker asks why they were all named Sam. 'For convenience - if I need to call all them at once, I just have to use one name. 'What if you need just one kid?' she asked. 'Well, I just use their last name.
#35
Little Johnny is sitting in church and getting extremely bored and restless as the preacher's long and dull sermon as it drags on and on.
Not able to take it anymore, he leans over to his dad and whispers in his ear, "Hey, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
#36
Teacher asks Little Johnny, “Johnny, how old is your father?”
“He’s as old as me,” Johnny informs her.
“Now how would that be possible?” inquires the surprised teacher.
“Well – he became father the day I was born.”
#37
Teacher asks, “Who can tell me the chemical formula for water?”
Little Johnny pipes up, "HIJKLMNO"!
The teacher is puzzled, “What on Earth are you talking about, Johnny?”
Little Johnny looks hurt, “But sir, you yourself said yesterday that it's H to O!”
#38
Little Johnny's neighbor just had a baby. Sadly, the baby was born without any ears.
When the mum and baby came back home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a chat with him and explained how the baby had no ears.
Johnnys dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the hiding of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood and agreed not to mention the baby's lack of ears.
Johnny looks in the basonet and says "Wow, what a beautiful baby." The mother replies, 'Why, Thanks, Johnny." Johnny says: "He has beautiful little feet, beautiful little hands, a cute little nose, and really beautiful eyes. Is he able to see alright?"
"Yes", says the mum, "we are so grateful, the Doctor said he will have perfect vision."
"That is great", says Little Johnny, "cause he'd be stuffed if he needed glasses!"
#39
A science teacher wanted to teach her 6th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so she produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the teacher, putting a worm first into the water.
The worm in the water wiggled about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, she put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the teacher asked.
Little Johnny, who naturally sits in the back, raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"
#40
During a lesson, little Johnny yawns extremely wide.
The teacher tries to make a joke: “Johnny, don’t swallow me.”
He replies: “Don’t worry, teacher, I don’t eat pork.”
#41
Teacher: "Who can tell me where Hadrians' Wall is?"
Little Johnny: "I suspect it's around Hadrian's garden!"
#42
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, “No honey for you for one month!” Later that afternoon, Johnny’s dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. “That’s it! No butter for you for one month!” says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny’s mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, “Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?”
#43
During an English lesson, the teacher asks, "Can anyone give me an example for the word ‘COINCIDENCE’?”
Little Johnny volunteers, "Sir, my mum and dad were married on the same day."
Teampandas GF 2 years ago
...if not married to one another, that could be coincidence...and would explain the magicians half-siblings...
#44
At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug!"
#45
The teacher decided to teach the children in her class how to count. When it was Johnny’s turn, the teacher asked what came after the number ten. Johnny replied, “That’s easy. A Jack.”
#46
Teacher: “You know you can’t sleep in my class.” Johnny: “I know miss. But maybe if you were a little quieter I could.”
#47
Little Johnny was in church with his mom for Sunday Mass when he felt a sudden barf attack impending. "Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!" She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see you." So Little Johnny hauled ass for the door. Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his mom. He had a look of obvious relief on his young face. "Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?"
"I didn't have to go that far, mom. Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK."
#48
Little Johnny's teacher says to him, "Johnny! your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's!"
Did you just copy hers?, she asks.
Johnny says, "No, teacher, it is the same dog!"
#49
Little Johnny returns from the supermarket with his mother. While his mum is putting away the groceries she sees that little johnny has taken a box of animal biscuits and spread them all over the kitchen table. His mother asks "What on earth are you doing Johnny?"
Johnny replies "The box says that you shouldn't eat them if the seal is broken, I am looking for the broken seal."
#50
Little Johnny asks his mother for $20. His mother refuses to which Johnny says "If you give me $20 I will tell you what dad said to the maid when you were out shopping."
Johnny's mother says "Ok Johnny, here is 20 dollars. Now, what did your father say to the maid?"
Johnny replies "Hey Doris, can you make sure that I have a clean shirt for tomorrow."
#51
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
#52
Little Johnny and Silly Billy were engaging in the time-honored tradition of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world. "My Father is better than your Father!" Billy declared. "No, he's not!" Johnny responded. "My brother is better than you brother!" Billy said. "He is not! He is not!" yelled Little Johnny. "My Mother is better than your Mother!" Billy continued. A long pause ensued, then Little Johnny said, "Well, I guess ya got me there. I've heard my father say the same thing more than once."
#53
Little Johnny: "I got 100 in school today."
Mother: "Wonderful. What did you get 100 in?"
Little Johnny: "Two things - I got 50 in spelling and 50 in history."
Mother: "Well, at least you can add!"
#54
Teacher: "Give me a sentence with the words defense, defeat, and detail in it."
Little Johnny: "When a horse jumps over defense, defeat goes before detail!"
#55
Teacher: "Did your parents help you with these homework problems?"
Little Johnny: "No I got them all wrong by myself!"
#56
Little Johnny: "I'm not going back to school ever again!"
Mom: "Why not?"
Little Johnny: "The teacher doesn't know a thing, all she does is ask questions!"
#57
The teacher says, “I’m glad to see your writing has improved.”
Little Johnny grins and replies, “Thank you!”
Frowning, the teacher adds, “However, now I can see how bad your spelling is!”
#58
Little Johnny wrote: "Dear Santa, please send me a baby brother!"
Santa wrote back: "Send me your mother ..."
#59
I asked little Johnny, "What would you like for your birthday?"
He said, "Tampons please."
I said, "Tampons!? Why do you want tampons for your birthday!?"
He replied, "I saw a great TV ad. With a tampon you can go swimming, biking and skiing."
#60
Teacher: "This note from your father looks like your handwriting?"
Little Johnny: "Well, yes, he borrowed my pen!"
#61
Daisy: “Why do you have two different colored socks on? One’s blue, but the other is green.”
Little Johnny: “I’m not sure. It’s weird. There was another pair exactly like this one at home.”
#62
The teacher says, “Johnny, I told you to write this poem out 10 times to improve your handwriting, and you’ve only done it 7 times.”
Little Johnny replies, “Well, ma’am, I guess my counting isn’t too good, either!”
POKEPOKEpikapika 2 years ago (edited)
yup in case anyone wants to be the first to comment please tell me or else I'll be the first for all of the ones no one commented on!
#63
The teacher asks, “What are you going to be when you get out of school?”
Little Johnny thinks for a moment and says, “An old man!”
#64
The class was told to paint a picture of cows grazing in a meadow.
Soon, Little Johnny lifts a hand that he’s finished and shows the teacher a blank sheet of paper.
“But Johnny, you didn’t paint anything on it?” says the teacher.
“Well, the cows have eaten all the grass and since there was no grass left, they just went away.”
POKEPOKEpikapika 8 months ago
Well at least that's logical. But also not logical. What about the sky?
#65
Little Johnny peeks through the keyhole of his parents’ bedroom one night. He stares for a minute and then, thoroughly disgusted, shakes his head, “And these people tell me I shouldn’t pick my nose?!”
#66
Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?"
Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.
Little Johnny replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!"
#67
Little Johnny's family is sitting at the dinner table.
Father, "Can you please pray for dinner!"
Little Johnny, "Dear God. Please, please send clothes for all those poor ladies on Dad’s computer. Amen!"
#68
Miss Taylor the English teacher writes an incorrect sentence on the board: “I didn’t had no fun for months.” Then she faces the class and says, “OK class, how should this be corrected?”
Little Johnny says, “I think you should get yourself a better man!”
#69
Teacher: "What did they do at the Boston Tea Party?"
Little Johnny: "I don't know, I wasn't invited!"
#70
Teacher: "Does anybody know what we call a person who keeps talking when nobody else is interested?"
Little Johnny: "A teacher, miss."
#71
Teacher: "Johnny, I want you to say a sentence that begins with the letter i"
Little Johnny: "I is..."
Teacher interrupts: "No Johnny, always say "I am".
Little Johnny: "Ok Miss... I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
#72
Little Johnny asked his grandpa to croak like a frog. He did it and asked why Johnny wanted to hear him croak. Johnny said, “Mommy said that we’ll be loaded when you croak.”
#73
Little Johnny was telling his friends about how he used to pray that he would get a bike. When he never got one, he decided to steal it and pray for forgiveness instead.
#74
Teacher: "Why are you praying in class little Johnny?”
Little Johnny: “My mom taught me to always pray before going to sleep."
#75
Teacher: "Tell us, Johnny, where is your father staying on business?"
Johnny: "In Vishakhapatnam."
Teacher: "How interesting. And now tell us all how it is spelled."
Johnny: "Oh, I just remembered he got reposted to Goa."
#76
Teacher: "If I give you three rabbits today and five rabbits tomorrow, how many rabbits would you have?"
Little Johnny: "Nine."
Teacher: "That's not right, you'd have eight."
Little Johnny: "No, Teacher, I'd have nine. I already have one rabbit at home!"
#77
Little Johnny gets back from school and his dad says to him "Johnny, where is your report card?"
Johnny replies "Sorry dad, I don't have it". His father is furious and says "Why not?"
Johnny replies "I lent it to my friend, he wanted to scare his parents."
#78
The teacher asked, “How far have you gotten with your homework, Johnny?”
Little Johnny replied, “About 8 kilometers, ma’am. I went home with it and came back with it this morning.”
#79
"And, Johnny? How did your school report turn out?" asks the mother. "Come on mom, the most important thing is that I’m healthy!"
#80
Little Johnny to his mom: “I shot 4 goals at the soccer match today!”
Mom: “Wonderful, looks like your team won, right?”
Little Johnny: “Not really, we played 2:2.”
Jelle Vermeulen 2 years ago
But he still managed to score 4 times, which is more than all the others combined
#81
A pastor was chatting with some children about 'being good' and going to Heaven. When he was done, he asked the kids, "Where do you want to go?" "Heaven!" cried Little Suzie. "And what do you have to be to go there?" 'Dead!' cried Little Johnny.
#82
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
#83
Teacher: "Great news, we have a test today, come rain or shine."
Little Johnny smiles.
Teacher: "So what's so funny about it?"
Little Johnny: "It's snowing!"
#84
Little Johnny is being questioned by the teacher during a math lesson.
“If you had ten dollars,” asks the teacher, “and I asked you for a loan of eight dollars, how much would you have left?”
“Ten,” answers Little Johnny.
“Ten?” the teacher asks. “How do you get ten?”
Johnny replies, “That’s because you may ask for a loan of eight dollars, but that doesn’t mean you’re going to get it!”
#85
Little Johnny's mother was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle, the phone rang so she asked four-year-old Johnny to answer the phone. Little Johnny ran out into the living room and answered the phone. "Mommy, it's the minister," he said to his mother. From the kitchen, Johnny's mom said, "Tell him I'll call him back." Little Johnny spoke into the phone saying, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
#86
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
Little Johnny replied: "They couldn't get a babysitter."
#87
Little Johnny asks his mum, “Mum, do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once upon a time in a faraway land’?”
“No darling,” says his mother, somewhat distressed, “Sometimes, they can begin with ‘I’ve got too much work in the office tonight, I’ll come home later.”
#88
Little Johnny once bought his Granny a very fine toilet brush for her birthday. But when he went to visit her a few weeks later, there wasn’t a sign of it in the bathroom. Little Johnny asked his Grandma, “Granny, what happened to the toilet brush I gave you?”
“Darling, I really didn’t like it. After all those years, I’ve gotten used to the toilet paper, and this new thing was just far too scratchy.”
#89
Teacher: "I told you to stand at the end of the line?"
Little Johnny: "I tried, but there was someone already there!"
#90
Teacher: "Would you at the back of the room stop passing notes!"
Little Johnny: "We're not passing notes. We're playing cards!"
#91
Teacher: "Fred can you find me America on the map please?"
Fred: "There it is!"
Teacher: "Now, Johnny, who discovered America?"
Little Johnny: "Fred did!"
#92
Teacher: "Where does your mother come from?"
Little Johnny: "Alaska!"
Teacher: "Don't worry, I'll ask her myself!"
#93
Teacher: "What is further away, Australia or the Moon?"
Little Johnny: "Australia, you can see the Moon at night!"
#94
Teacher: "If I lay one egg here and another there, how many eggs will there be?"
Little Johnny: "None!"
Teacher (surprised): "Why not?"
Little Johnny: "Because you can't lay eggs!"
#95
The teacher decided to ask the class a riddle. "Does anyone know how to put 2 holes into one hole?".
None of the children knew the answer so it was their homework to go home and figure out how to put 2 holes into one.
The kids came back the next day and still, none of them knew the answer.
"I will show you the answer now children," says the teacher as he looks pretty chuffed with himself. He proceeds to hold his pointer finger against his thumb making a little ring. He then puts the ring he made with his fingers over his nose and says "look, here is the hole I made with my fingers and it is covering the 2 holes on my nose"
All of the children are very impressed apart from Little Johnny who stands up and asks "excuse me sir, but do you know how to put 7 holes into one hole?"
The teacher replies "I have no idea Johnny, why don't you tell us how do you put 7 holes into one hole?"
Little Johnny replies "You simply sit on your recorder sir".
WhyAmIHere 2 years ago (edited)
So that's why teachers can be b*tchy some days...they have 7 holes up theirs.
#96
Little Johnny says: “Mom, you know that lovely vase in the dining room that’s been handed down from generation to generation?” Mom replies: “Yes. What about it?” He says: “Well, the last generation just dropped it.”
#97
After Sunday school, the teacher released the kids to go to church and reminded them, “You all know to be very nice and quiet in the church. And why is that?”
Little Johnny offers, “Miss, it’s so we wouldn’t wake all those people sleeping.”
#98
One day Jimmy got home early from school.
His elder sister asked, “Why are you home so early?”
He answered, “Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class.”
She said, “Wow, my brother is a genius.
What was the question?”
Jimmy replied, “The question was ‘Who threw the trash can at the principal’s head?’”
#99
A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils' answer by reciting a short poem.
The first kid sat in the first row was a teachers pet. He stood and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can."
The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby ... if I can, and I think I can."
The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don't give a darn about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can ... and I think can!"
#100
Little Johnny is watching his mum rubbing cold cream on her face and he asks her "Why are you rubbing that stuff on your face mother?"
His mother replies "To make myself beautiful Johnny."
A few minutes later she starts rubbing the cream off with a tissue. Johnny says to her "What is the matter? Are you giving up?"
#101
Why was Little Johnny crying?
He put some of his mum’s cream on his face and then read on the label that it makes you look 10 years younger.
#102
Teacher: "What did you do over the long weekend?"
Little Johnny: "We went to Samson hill for a picnic but dad forgot to load the picnic basket. My mom looked at dad put her wrist on her hip and began to tap her toe. In seconds my dad was a hundred yards away at the bottom of the hill."
Teacher: "So your dad ran away?"
Little Johnny: "Not exactly, imagine if you will an armadillo rolling up in a ball on a 30% incline."
#103
"Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand. "My dog ate it," was his solemn response. "Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?"
"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "I covered it with peanut butter and he woofed it down."
#105
Teacher: "Little Johnny, how do you spell "elephant"?"
Little Johnny: "E-L-E-F-A-N-T"
Teacher: "No Johnny, that is incorrect."
Johnny: "Maybe it is wrong, Miss, but you asked how I spell it."
#106
Teacher: “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Johnny: “I want to follow in my father’s footsteps and be a policeman.”
Teacher: “I didn’t know your father was a policeman.”
Johnny: “He isn’t. He’s a burglar.”
#107
A teacher in Sunday school once asked Little Johnny, "Johnny, do you believe in the Devil?"
"No," said Little Johnny knowledgeably. "It's just like with Santa Claus. I know it's really my dad."
#108
Five-year-old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, “I’ve lost my dad!”
The policeman said, “What’s he like?”
Little Johnny replied, “Beer and women!”
#109
Teacher: "If you add 3452 and 3096, then divide the answer by 4 and multiply by 6, what would you get?"
Little Johnny: "The wrong answer!"
#110
Little Johnny’s teacher went to pay his family a home visit. When Johnny’s grandpa saw her walking over, he told him to hide. Johnny quickly said, “No way. You need to hide, grandpa. I told her yesterday that I had to go to your funeral.”
#111
When asked what he wanted to be when he grew up, Little Johnny said, “A detective. So that way I can be just like dad.” The teacher found this surprising because she didn’t know he was a detective. Johnny said, “Oh no, he’s not a detective. He’s a thief.”
#112
The teacher asks Little Johnny to name two pronouns.
Little Johnny looks puzzled and replies, “Who? Me?”
#113
Little Johnny wonders why his dad is bald. So he asks his mom. “Mommy, why is dad bald?”. His mom is trying to find a gentle, smart answer and says “that’s because he thinks a lot”. After hearing that, Little Johnny pauses for a second. He then asks “So, mommy, why do you still have all your hair?”
#114
Little Johnny was sitting on the pavement stuffing all of his Halloween candy into his mouth. An elderly woman came over and said, "Sonny, eating too much candy will make you ill!" "My grandpa lived to be 100!" he replied. "Wow, but did he eat twenty candy bars in a single sitting?" "Nope," replied Johnny, "but he minded his own darn business!"
#115
Teacher: "Little Johnny, I want you to give me a sentence using the word 'geometry'. Johnny: "The tiny seed grew and grew until it was finally big enough to say, 'Gee, I'm a tree!'"
#116
Teacher: "Can you count to 10?"
Little Johnny: "Yes, teacher – one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten."
Teacher: "Now go on from there."
Little Johnny: "Jack, Queen, King."
#117
Mother: "How was math today?"
Little Johnny: "Our teacher has a bad memory. For three days she asked us how much is two and two. We told her it was four. But she still doesn't know. Today she asked us again!"
#118
When Johnny discovered what static electricity could do, he went around and zapped all of the other kids in his class. What did his mother do? She grounded him.
#119
Johnny tried to buy a toy car with monopoly money at the store. The cashier said, “There’s no way I can take this. It’s fake.” Johnny said, “Well, the car’s not real either.”
#120
Johnny got caught digging a hole in his yard. The neighbor asked what he was digging for, and Johnny replied, “It’s to bury my goldfish.” The hole was pretty big, so the neighbor was confused. He asked why Johnny was digging such a deep hole. Johnny said, “It had to be! My goldfish is inside of your cat.”
#121
– Little Johnny, why does your little sister cry?
– Because I helped her.
– But that is a good thing! What did you help her with?
– I helped her eat her gummy bears.
#122
The teacher asked Little Johnny: "How can you prove the earth is round?"
Little Johnny replied: "I can't. Besides, I never said it was."
#123
Little Johnny: "Mummy, mummy, does a lemon have a beak?"
Mum: "No it doesn't my son."
Little Johnny: "Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed ..."
#124
Teacher: "Name an animal that lives in Lapland?"
Little Johnny: "A reindeer."
Teacher: "Good, now name another."
Little Johnny: "Another reindeer!"
#125
Johnny: "Dad, have you ever been to Egypt?"
Dad: "No son, why do you ask?"
Johnny: "Well where did you find our mummy?"
#126
Teacher: "Now class, stop acting silly and start behaving, god is everywhere you know."
Bobby: "Is god in this classroom right now?"
Teacher: "Yes, Bobby."
Jenny: "Is god outside in the playground?"
Teacher: "Yes Jenny."
Johnny: "Is god in my back garden?"
Teacher: "Yes Johnny."
Johnny: "But I don't have a back garden miss."
#127
The teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I ain't had no fun in months."
Then asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?"
Little Johnny raised his hand and replied, "Get yourself a new boyfriend."
#129
Teacher: "According to native lore a man rose from the earth and stood before a great plumb tree. Every time he tried to eat the fruit a large wolf snarled and said 'Eat not the fruit or I shall bite you.' Does anyone know the meaning of this classic dilemma?"
Little Johnny: "Sometimes it’s ok to settle, prunes aren’t all that bad."
#130
A new teacher was trying out something from one of her psychology classes that she learnt at university. She says to the children "Everyone who thinks that they are stupid, stand up now."
After a little while, Johnny stands up.
The teacher asks him "Why did you stand up Johnny? Do you really think you are stupid?"
Johnny replies "No Miss, but I hated seeing you standing there all by yourself".
#131
Teacher: "How far have you gone with your homework Johnny?"
Little Johnny: "About 8 kilometers miss. I went home with it and came back with it this morning."
#132
While grading essays, the teacher noticed that Little Johnny’s paper about ‘Family Pets’ was the same as his brother’s. So she asked, “Why did you copy your brother’s homework?”
Little Johnny said, “No, I didn’t! We just have the same pets.”
#133
Little Johnny hated going to church every Sunday. During this particular sermon, Johnny got so bored that he just wanted to go home. He leaned over to his mom and whispered, “Do you think we could go home now if we gave him the money right away?”
#134
Little Johnny’s teacher is walking through the cafeteria at lunchtime when she sees Johnny making faces at another child.
She starts to talk sternly to Johnny and says “Johnny when I was a young girl, I was told that if I made ugly faces and the wind changed, my face would stay that way.”
Little Johnny looks her over and replies, “Well, ma’am, you can’t say that you weren’t given fair warning.”
#135
Teacher: “Are you even paying attention, Johnny? Come, tell us at least two pronouns, right now!”
Little Johnny: “Who, me?”
Teacher: “Wow who knew, very well done.”
#136
Little Johnny's newborn baby sister just wouldn't stop crying one day. Annoyed, Little Johnny asked his mom where they had got her from. "From Heaven," replied his mom. "Well, I can see why they threw her out!"
#137
Little Johnny returns from the market with his mother. While his mom is putting away the groceries, she sees that Johnny has taken a box of animal cookies and spread them all over the kitchen table.
His mother asks “What are you doing, Johnny?”
Johnny looks up and replies, “The box says that you shouldn’t eat them if the seal is broken, so I’m looking for the broken seal.”
What do you think ?
TJ Farrell 2 years ago
There were some pretty funny ones but there were repeats and slightly edited versions of others. But it was pretty funny.
TJ Farrell 2 years ago
There were some pretty funny ones but there were repeats and slightly edited versions of others. But it was pretty funny.
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