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MIL Disrespects Lesbian Mom And Overrules Her Parenting, Then Snaps With “They Aren’t Even Your Kids”
Reddit user u/throwawayaitamil is a lesbian mom-of-two. And I know you might be wondering, what does her sexual orientation have to do with anything? Unfortunately, it’s relevant to the story.
When she and her little ones went to a BBQ with their extended family, the kids wanted to have some M&Ms. Their mom, however, told them to wait until after dinner and enjoy the candies as dessert. Sounds like a pretty simple situation, right? It was. Until the mother-in-law decided to go rogue.
The lady gave her grandchildren candies before the meal, even though her daughter-in-law explicitly said she was against it. What’s even worse, the mother-in-law refused to apologize and chose to destroy her relationship with her daughter and her family over a few M&Ms instead.
In doubt over the way she handled the conflict, u/throwawayaitamil turned to the subreddit “Am I the [Jerk]?” for help. Here’s what she wrote.
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Image credits: Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: throwawayaitamil
Honest Mum’s Vicki Broadbent believes this story is a prime example of ‘backseat parenting’
Image credits: Vicki Broadbent / Honest Mum
Vicki Broadbent, an award-winning lifestyle blogger, parenting expert, and bestselling author of Mumboss (UK) and The Working Mom (the US and Canada), refers to the act of challenging parents in front of their children or otherwise as ‘backseat parenting.’
“It’s rather like driving a car from the passenger seat and however well-meaning the intentions of those offering unsolicited advice, the parent will always feel disrespected,” the creator of Honest Mum told Bored Panda. “In this instance, the grandmother was entirely in the wrong, she tried to control the situation despite knowing the mother’s intentions, undermining her before then abusing her in front of the children, stating she didn’t consider her their real parent. This was highly distressing for all involved and most of all, the children. It seems this situation was far more complex than giving children candies and there are tensions and unresolved issues between her and the mother in question.”
“In general, if you feel a desperate need to share advice to a parent (and it’s not a dangerous situation where you must interfere immediately for e.g.), take them to one side in private (never in front of their children) and before doing so, please carefully consider whether your advice is necessary and it’s even your place to share,” Vicki added.
The mom of two boys with a baby girl due in the winter highlighted that everyone parents differently and individually. “The saying, ‘Mom (and dad) knows best’ is almost always right. Parents know their children inside and out, they’re aware of their schedules, routines, behavior, and needs, and while grandparents enjoy spoiling their grandchildren and should at times, offering kids candies 15 minutes before a meal seems ill-thought-out in this instance and intentionally disrespectful towards the mother,” Vicki Broadbent explained. “Common sense is rarely common, as my Dad would say. Think before you speak or act.”
If you also fall victim to backseat parenting, you might want to address your kids after everything cools down and clear up any confusion they might have. “Once your children are away from the grandparents and have calmed down (if they’re upset), I would gently explain that sometimes adults make mistakes and say and do things they don’t mean or they don’t fully think it through before saying/doing,” Vicki said.
“The point here is to first reassure your children that they are emotionally safe with you and that you are their guide and guardian when it comes to safety, rules, and boundaries. Children need to know they can count on their parents/primary caregivers at all times and it’s your job to ensure they don’t ever feel otherwise.”
When other people question your parenting, it can feed your fears and doubts. But try to fight them. As Laura Markham Ph.D. said, the proof of your child-raising approach will be in the pudding, and the pudding takes a long time to cook. Focus on the process and things will fall into place.
Here’s what people said about the entire ordeal
What do you think ?
Marcellus the Third 4 years ago
I'm shocked the phonecalls keep going. All has been said that needs to be said; stop repeating, put the phone down. No reason to insist on an apology which is meaningless as long as MIL feels/'knows' she did nothing wrong. I'm no genetic contributor to my dog but if I tell my MIL not to give it a treat she doesn't give it a treat --- it's not a matter of genetics it's who's caretaker.
David Andrews 4 years ago
Totally agree, they know what she did wrong, and what she needs to do, so no point engaging with them until she does. If her son and his wife had adopted a child, would she have told them they were not really it's mum and dad in front of it? Clearly she has a bigger issue with her daughter's relationship on some level
Load More Replies...
Biljana Malesevic 4 years ago
I feel like candies were just an excuse here to get into fight. MiL probably had some resentment long long time ago and just needed a cause. It's just too ridiculous to be so rude and really awful to daughter in law just because of such small thing. That mother in law has some previous resentment, and she should really address and solve her real issues because this way she doesn't look good.
Phil Vaive 4 years ago
Ok so I agree with all the comments posted in the article above, but I also want to add that the poster's wife is awesome. She listened to what happened, and immediately took her wife's side, no questions asked. That marriage is gonna last
Rugchairclockdog 4 years ago
I have a mom that didn't contribute eggs or birth me but she still my mom
Otter 4 years ago
I should think that giving birth counts for something, even if it was the partner's eggs!
Load More Replies... D Peterson 4 years ago
After MIL apologizes, I'd allow her to see the kids as much as she wants but never be alone with them. Children remember everything & they definitely don't need grandma poisoning their minds. I can see MIL taking the children's side against their mother with comments such as, 'just ignore her, she really isn't your mother.'
Cold Contagious 4 years ago
She seems to be a very toxic person towards the daughter in law and I would not be able to trust her again for a very long time until she earned that trust back. She currently has no intention of being a decent person
Load More Replies...
Rens 4 years ago
As the mother of a lesbian, I would NEVER undermine her authority and say anything so cruel and hurtful. My daughter is young and still single but one day I may be the MIL and grandmother. I'm very much of the opinion that blood is not thicker than water; my best friend is like the sister I never had; I don't have contact with any of my siblings. Families have evolved, and mean different things to different people; all families should have loving, supportive, caring, reliable people, regardless of DNA
Alethia Nyx 4 years ago
MIL sounds like the sort of horrible person who also thinks you aren't a real mother if you had a caesarean or needed IVF to conceive. Even with an apology that is such a bad attitude to have around your children.
SlothyK8 4 years ago
My mother did something similar to me. She went behind my back, several times, but my son told me what happened (he was about 10yo at the time). When I confronted her, she said "Well, I'm his grandmother!" I was stunned. "So? I'm his MOTHER!" She attacked me as a bad parent for not "letting" her do whatever she wanted. Miserable woman...I never let her near me again. There were other things going on, too, but this really took the cake.
ThatOneWriter 4 years ago
No apology, no grandkids. Simple as that. And it's not just the mom's feelings she wounded. She scared her grandkids. That is unacceptable behavior. She clearly doesn't keep their best interests in mind.
Marcellus the Third 4 years ago
I'm shocked the phonecalls keep going. All has been said that needs to be said; stop repeating, put the phone down. No reason to insist on an apology which is meaningless as long as MIL feels/'knows' she did nothing wrong. I'm no genetic contributor to my dog but if I tell my MIL not to give it a treat she doesn't give it a treat --- it's not a matter of genetics it's who's caretaker.
David Andrews 4 years ago
Totally agree, they know what she did wrong, and what she needs to do, so no point engaging with them until she does. If her son and his wife had adopted a child, would she have told them they were not really it's mum and dad in front of it? Clearly she has a bigger issue with her daughter's relationship on some level
Load More Replies... Biljana Malesevic 4 years ago
I feel like candies were just an excuse here to get into fight. MiL probably had some resentment long long time ago and just needed a cause. It's just too ridiculous to be so rude and really awful to daughter in law just because of such small thing. That mother in law has some previous resentment, and she should really address and solve her real issues because this way she doesn't look good.
Phil Vaive 4 years ago
Ok so I agree with all the comments posted in the article above, but I also want to add that the poster's wife is awesome. She listened to what happened, and immediately took her wife's side, no questions asked. That marriage is gonna last
Rugchairclockdog 4 years ago
I have a mom that didn't contribute eggs or birth me but she still my mom
Otter 4 years ago
I should think that giving birth counts for something, even if it was the partner's eggs!
Load More Replies... D Peterson 4 years ago
After MIL apologizes, I'd allow her to see the kids as much as she wants but never be alone with them. Children remember everything & they definitely don't need grandma poisoning their minds. I can see MIL taking the children's side against their mother with comments such as, 'just ignore her, she really isn't your mother.'
Cold Contagious 4 years ago
She seems to be a very toxic person towards the daughter in law and I would not be able to trust her again for a very long time until she earned that trust back. She currently has no intention of being a decent person
Load More Replies... Rens 4 years ago
As the mother of a lesbian, I would NEVER undermine her authority and say anything so cruel and hurtful. My daughter is young and still single but one day I may be the MIL and grandmother. I'm very much of the opinion that blood is not thicker than water; my best friend is like the sister I never had; I don't have contact with any of my siblings. Families have evolved, and mean different things to different people; all families should have loving, supportive, caring, reliable people, regardless of DNA
Alethia Nyx 4 years ago
MIL sounds like the sort of horrible person who also thinks you aren't a real mother if you had a caesarean or needed IVF to conceive. Even with an apology that is such a bad attitude to have around your children.
SlothyK8 4 years ago
My mother did something similar to me. She went behind my back, several times, but my son told me what happened (he was about 10yo at the time). When I confronted her, she said "Well, I'm his grandmother!" I was stunned. "So? I'm his MOTHER!" She attacked me as a bad parent for not "letting" her do whatever she wanted. Miserable woman...I never let her near me again. There were other things going on, too, but this really took the cake.
ThatOneWriter 4 years ago
No apology, no grandkids. Simple as that. And it's not just the mom's feelings she wounded. She scared her grandkids. That is unacceptable behavior. She clearly doesn't keep their best interests in mind.
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