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Grieving MIL Expects Her Son And His Wife To Take Care Of Her, But Doesn’t Know It Annoys Them Both
Everything on Earth, even the best things, come to an end sooner or later. Death is actually an integral part of our existence. And no matter how much wise people say that for a highly organized mind death is nothing more than a new adventure, it’s not easy to come to terms with the passing away of our loved ones. It’s damn hard to be honest.
The story we are going to tell you today, from the user Anonymous75, is about exactly this. Our heroine has a mother-in-law who became a widow 4 months ago—and since then she continues to mourn her late husband, not even realizing that constant grief actually wears out the ones around her…
More info: Mumsnet
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The author of the post has a mother-in-law who lost her husband around 4 months ago and has been mourning him ever since
Image credits: Pavel Danilyuk / Pexels (not the actual photo)
The main problem, according to the author, is that the lady keeps expecting her and her spouse to console her literally every given day
Image credits: Anonymous75
Image credits: Kaboompics.com / Pexels (not the actual photo)
The author understands and shares this deep grievance, too, but she thinks that this situation is starting to wear them all out
Image credits: Anonymous75
Image credits: gpointstudio / Freepik (not the actual photo)
So the woman considers setting some boundaries with her MIL—maybe asking her not to visit their place daily
Image credits: Anonymous75
However, the author also assumes she might look heartless and cruel, so she sought support online
So, the Original Poster (OP) says that about 4 months ago, her father-in-law passed away, and since then her mother-in-law has not stopped mourning him. Relatives—also the author’s family—have provided and continue to provide her with maximum help and support, but now, months after the funeral, the OP feels emotionally exhausted.
The thing is that in recent months, literally not a day has passed without the MIL visiting their home to seek comfort from the author or her son. Our heroine’s husband was perhaps the hardest of all – he had to cope with his own grief over the loss of his father, and with the support of his mother too.
And the mother could literally call at any moment and tearfully beg him or the author to come to her. Simply because she feels bad and needs consolation. The original poster saw how her husband was torn between this support and his own work, children, and hobbies, and with each passing day, she increasingly asked herself just one question.
Perhaps it was worth somehow setting boundaries in communication with the mother-in-law? For example, so that she comes to them not every day, but at least a couple of times a week. Moreover, the elderly lady has other relatives who also provide her with all kinds of family support. And the OP, overcome by these thoughts, simultaneously experiences remorse if she’s being horrible and heartless with these thoughts at all?
Image credits: RDNE Stock project / Pexels (not the actual photo)
In any case, experts say that experiencing the death of loved ones is an incredibly difficult experience, and each person does so in their own way. “For some people, mourning can go on so long or be so distressing that it becomes unhealthy. This prolonged and intense reaction to loss is known as complicated grief,” this dedicated post on the National Institute of Aging website says.
“People with this condition may be unable to comprehend or accept the loss, experience intense sorrow and emotional pain, and have trouble resuming their own lives and making plans for the future. Complicated grief can be a serious condition. Those who have it may need additional help to overcome the loss. If sadness is making it difficult for you to carry on in your day-to-day life, help is available,” the same source claims.
In these cases, there is grief counseling, which really helps people cope with unbearable sadness more effectively. Regular talk therapy with a grief counselor or therapist can really help here. On the other hand, another reasonable question arises—how can the author persuade her MIL to take such a step, and what kind of reaction might it cause on her part?
Most people in the comments, also paying tribute to the memory and respect of the late author’s FIL, admit that her mother-in-law should also consider other members of her family. After all, life goes on. “Yes it’s difficult all round, but your MIL has to start to learn to stand on her own feet again and forge a life for herself,” someone wrote. “4 months isn’t long but you don’t have to be in servitude,” another commenter agreed.
In any case, the responders urge the woman to try to get her MIL interested in life again. For example, by appealing to her hobbies. “There’s nothing wrong with starting to set boundaries and encouraging her to develop her own hobbies and things which bring her some joy,” someone added quite wisely. And what would you, our dear readers, advise our heroine to do? Please feel free to share your ideas in the comments below.
People in the comments gave the author their support and suggested she try to somehow get the MIL interested in life again
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What do you think ?
arthbach 2 weeks ago
The widow has recently lost her husband. I suspect she is trying to mould her son, to get him to take on some of the roles her husband played. This is why she is not so interested in receiving help from her daughter who lives nearby. She wants the comfort on having a man she can call on at any time. If this is not a role her son (and his wife) want for him, he needs to start speaking up, and using the word 'No'.
Lyoness 2 weeks ago
Agreed, but I have a feeling it's not malicious on Mum's side. It's a very normal grief reaction - to look for others to fill the gap in your life. Her son is just the closest person who's the most like her husband. It doesn't make it any easier on the DIL or her son though. Boundaries are a good idea, with a little empathy thrown in. No need to cut her off cold turkey, but it's time to start scaling back.
Load More Replies...
Janelle Collard 2 weeks ago
OP's *hubs* needs to talk to his mom re: Mom needs more help than he or OP can provide at this time. If OP tries to say this, MIL will go ballistic so HUBS needs to do this. And he needs to do this NOW!
Littlemiss 2 weeks ago
My mother tried to pull the same thing on me. She expected me to move heaven and earth for her after my Dad died. Not once did she actually think she needed to do a thing. Hubby needs to draw a line in the sand or he'll never escape his mother's needs and won't have a marriage to come back to
Load More Replies...
Somebodys grandmother 2 weeks ago (edited)
Been there, done that with my BIL when my MIL died. He looked after her through several years... His life was suddenly empty... Every day through years he was here.. Set boundaries now. Talk to your husband- it will eat you up! She needs therapy... not destroying your family...
kath morgan 2 weeks ago
Again, this is a husband problem. He needs to make himself less available and encourage her to seek out other sources of support.
Lyone Fein 2 weeks ago
As several comments already said, 4 months is way too soon to expect someone who has lost a long term spouse to be done grieving. A year is an average figure. But that doesn't mean that her son needs to accept being his mom's replacement husband, and he needs to gently and lovingly make this clear to his mom. I think the idea of people visiting her in her own home is really good. This way she will build new memories in the place she lives, and not just associate it with her husband. In addition to grief support groups, mom may also consider individual counseling for guidance on adjusting to her new situation, and for depression evaluation.
Melissa Harris 2 weeks ago
Sounds like she might need professional grief counseling or a support group.
Becca not Becky 2 weeks ago
Could OP and other friends/family schedule times with the grieving MIL in a way that plans for someone to be with her every evening/morning (whatever time is hardest)? That would reduce anxiety knowing that she has someone planning to see her, it could help her support system seem bigger, and it would more evenly distribute the stress. If MIL decides one day to have a day to herself, she can cancel the plans for that day.
Lailu 2 weeks ago
Four months isn’t long and watching my mum when my dad unexpectedly died, the nights are the hardest. I lived with her at the time so it wasn’t an imposition for me, but the husband has his own family and life too. Kinda torn here. Do think the sister should be pulling her weight, though.
ThisIsMe 2 weeks ago
I think all too often when providing support during a difficult time, the situation becomes hard to dial back. Personal example - SIL needed to move out of the home she was renting from a relative. Housing was tight in the area, so she moved in with a family member, and we rented her a large storage unit to temporarily store things. All of us knew that her health would not allow her to live on her own in the future, but she was not ready to accept that so putting things in storage would allow her time to accept that reality. That was over 3 years ago, and I am still paying for an increasingly expense storage unit that she has not once moved anything out of. Husband and I are aligned that after the first of the year she will be put on a deadline to sort through things and close storage unit, or take over payments herself. I think it is important for us and for OP to present options, and a gradual change in the boundaries. OPs MIL and my SIL will otherwise just continue on the same...
Orange Panda 2 weeks ago
As a widow, she may not be thinking about it, but yes, she is setting her son up to be hubby #2. OP says she has a wide social group, so the son needs to start pointing her to other people and saying no. She isn't doing herself any favors and it's going to be even harder when she tries to start doing normal things again.
FlamingRed 5 days ago (edited)
Tell your husband that his mother has to go to grief counseling or you're leaving the house when she comes over. Be there for one visit per week. Let him mostly deal with her. I know she's still grieving, but that doesn't give her the right to completely disrupt your life.
Julie Schraeder 2 weeks ago
4 months isn't long in mother's grief journey, but it is a long time to be hosting someone who's needy when you have a young child & work fill time & need to relax. Mother obviously still needs support, but they need to set boundaries & have her over less.
DrBronxx 2 weeks ago
Baby steps, I would say. In the grand scheme of things, 4 months is no time after losing a spouse. I wouldn't set any hard lines, but I would make attempts to scale back. The last thing a parent needs after losing their partner is to feel rejected by their children, which could very easily be how this could end up. It's such a delicate thing. Then, if OP's husband is against setting hard boundaries, it could cause resentment between OP and her husband, in turn demonising OP in the eyes of her in-laws.
brittany 2 weeks ago
i dont have much experience with spouses who lost their partner, but i know when my mother lost her dad (he had a stroke in his 60s), she went into a deep and dark depression. while she eventually went to therapy to work through those feelings, she was never the same. death and dealing with its permanence affects us all differently. i will say that while compassion is important, its also important to take care of your own mental wellbeing. my mother leaned heavily on us after the loss of her father, so much so that any time we wanted to celebrate something good o were upset about something, we were told to keep it to ourselves so as not to upset her. MIL needs to talk to a grief councilor. OP and her husband are not therapists and all they can do is absorb the hurt, they arent really qualified to help her work through these feelings, plus they have a child to take care of on top of that.
Kari Panda 2 weeks ago (edited)
I was torn since I understand both sides, but then there were a few parts that rubbed me the wrong way. So a) the MIL doesn’t expect as much support from her own daughter because of a child that is apparently the same age as OP‘s child, b) she won’t take no for an answer and c) by far the worst, she made snide remarks about OP about letting 'things slide' after birth?! 4 months is not long at all after such a devastating loss, but it sounds to me like MIL was never too fond of DIL.
arthbach 2 weeks ago
The widow has recently lost her husband. I suspect she is trying to mould her son, to get him to take on some of the roles her husband played. This is why she is not so interested in receiving help from her daughter who lives nearby. She wants the comfort on having a man she can call on at any time. If this is not a role her son (and his wife) want for him, he needs to start speaking up, and using the word 'No'.
Lyoness 2 weeks ago
Agreed, but I have a feeling it's not malicious on Mum's side. It's a very normal grief reaction - to look for others to fill the gap in your life. Her son is just the closest person who's the most like her husband. It doesn't make it any easier on the DIL or her son though. Boundaries are a good idea, with a little empathy thrown in. No need to cut her off cold turkey, but it's time to start scaling back.
Load More Replies... Janelle Collard 2 weeks ago
OP's *hubs* needs to talk to his mom re: Mom needs more help than he or OP can provide at this time. If OP tries to say this, MIL will go ballistic so HUBS needs to do this. And he needs to do this NOW!
Littlemiss 2 weeks ago
My mother tried to pull the same thing on me. She expected me to move heaven and earth for her after my Dad died. Not once did she actually think she needed to do a thing. Hubby needs to draw a line in the sand or he'll never escape his mother's needs and won't have a marriage to come back to
Load More Replies... Somebodys grandmother 2 weeks ago (edited)
Been there, done that with my BIL when my MIL died. He looked after her through several years... His life was suddenly empty... Every day through years he was here.. Set boundaries now. Talk to your husband- it will eat you up! She needs therapy... not destroying your family...
kath morgan 2 weeks ago
Again, this is a husband problem. He needs to make himself less available and encourage her to seek out other sources of support.
Lyone Fein 2 weeks ago
As several comments already said, 4 months is way too soon to expect someone who has lost a long term spouse to be done grieving. A year is an average figure. But that doesn't mean that her son needs to accept being his mom's replacement husband, and he needs to gently and lovingly make this clear to his mom. I think the idea of people visiting her in her own home is really good. This way she will build new memories in the place she lives, and not just associate it with her husband. In addition to grief support groups, mom may also consider individual counseling for guidance on adjusting to her new situation, and for depression evaluation.
Melissa Harris 2 weeks ago
Sounds like she might need professional grief counseling or a support group.
Becca not Becky 2 weeks ago
Could OP and other friends/family schedule times with the grieving MIL in a way that plans for someone to be with her every evening/morning (whatever time is hardest)? That would reduce anxiety knowing that she has someone planning to see her, it could help her support system seem bigger, and it would more evenly distribute the stress. If MIL decides one day to have a day to herself, she can cancel the plans for that day.
Lailu 2 weeks ago
Four months isn’t long and watching my mum when my dad unexpectedly died, the nights are the hardest. I lived with her at the time so it wasn’t an imposition for me, but the husband has his own family and life too. Kinda torn here. Do think the sister should be pulling her weight, though.
ThisIsMe 2 weeks ago
I think all too often when providing support during a difficult time, the situation becomes hard to dial back. Personal example - SIL needed to move out of the home she was renting from a relative. Housing was tight in the area, so she moved in with a family member, and we rented her a large storage unit to temporarily store things. All of us knew that her health would not allow her to live on her own in the future, but she was not ready to accept that so putting things in storage would allow her time to accept that reality. That was over 3 years ago, and I am still paying for an increasingly expense storage unit that she has not once moved anything out of. Husband and I are aligned that after the first of the year she will be put on a deadline to sort through things and close storage unit, or take over payments herself. I think it is important for us and for OP to present options, and a gradual change in the boundaries. OPs MIL and my SIL will otherwise just continue on the same...
Orange Panda 2 weeks ago
As a widow, she may not be thinking about it, but yes, she is setting her son up to be hubby #2. OP says she has a wide social group, so the son needs to start pointing her to other people and saying no. She isn't doing herself any favors and it's going to be even harder when she tries to start doing normal things again.
FlamingRed 5 days ago (edited)
Tell your husband that his mother has to go to grief counseling or you're leaving the house when she comes over. Be there for one visit per week. Let him mostly deal with her. I know she's still grieving, but that doesn't give her the right to completely disrupt your life.
Julie Schraeder 2 weeks ago
4 months isn't long in mother's grief journey, but it is a long time to be hosting someone who's needy when you have a young child & work fill time & need to relax. Mother obviously still needs support, but they need to set boundaries & have her over less.
DrBronxx 2 weeks ago
Baby steps, I would say. In the grand scheme of things, 4 months is no time after losing a spouse. I wouldn't set any hard lines, but I would make attempts to scale back. The last thing a parent needs after losing their partner is to feel rejected by their children, which could very easily be how this could end up. It's such a delicate thing. Then, if OP's husband is against setting hard boundaries, it could cause resentment between OP and her husband, in turn demonising OP in the eyes of her in-laws.
brittany 2 weeks ago
i dont have much experience with spouses who lost their partner, but i know when my mother lost her dad (he had a stroke in his 60s), she went into a deep and dark depression. while she eventually went to therapy to work through those feelings, she was never the same. death and dealing with its permanence affects us all differently. i will say that while compassion is important, its also important to take care of your own mental wellbeing. my mother leaned heavily on us after the loss of her father, so much so that any time we wanted to celebrate something good o were upset about something, we were told to keep it to ourselves so as not to upset her. MIL needs to talk to a grief councilor. OP and her husband are not therapists and all they can do is absorb the hurt, they arent really qualified to help her work through these feelings, plus they have a child to take care of on top of that.
Kari Panda 2 weeks ago (edited)
I was torn since I understand both sides, but then there were a few parts that rubbed me the wrong way. So a) the MIL doesn’t expect as much support from her own daughter because of a child that is apparently the same age as OP‘s child, b) she won’t take no for an answer and c) by far the worst, she made snide remarks about OP about letting 'things slide' after birth?! 4 months is not long at all after such a devastating loss, but it sounds to me like MIL was never too fond of DIL.
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