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Grieving MIL Expects Her Son And His Wife To Take Care Of Her, But Doesn’t Know It Annoys Them Both
Everything on Earth, even the best things, come to an end sooner or later. Death is actually an integral part of our existence. And no matter how much wise people say that for a highly organized mind death is nothing more than a new adventure, it’s not easy to come to terms with the passing away of our loved ones. It’s damn hard to be honest.
The story we are going to tell you today, from the user Anonymous75, is about exactly this. Our heroine has a mother-in-law who became a widow 4 months ago—and since then she continues to mourn her late husband, not even realizing that constant grief actually wears out the ones around her…
More info: Mumsnet
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The author of the post has a mother-in-law who lost her husband around 4 months ago and has been mourning him ever since
Image credits: Pavel Danilyuk / Pexels (not the actual photo)
The main problem, according to the author, is that the lady keeps expecting her and her spouse to console her literally every given day
Image credits: Anonymous75
Image credits: Kaboompics.com / Pexels (not the actual photo)
The author understands and shares this deep grievance, too, but she thinks that this situation is starting to wear them all out
Image credits: Anonymous75
Image credits: gpointstudio / Freepik (not the actual photo)
So the woman considers setting some boundaries with her MIL—maybe asking her not to visit their place daily
Image credits: Anonymous75
However, the author also assumes she might look heartless and cruel, so she sought support online
So, the Original Poster (OP) says that about 4 months ago, her father-in-law passed away, and since then her mother-in-law has not stopped mourning him. Relatives—also the author’s family—have provided and continue to provide her with maximum help and support, but now, months after the funeral, the OP feels emotionally exhausted.
The thing is that in recent months, literally not a day has passed without the MIL visiting their home to seek comfort from the author or her son. Our heroine’s husband was perhaps the hardest of all – he had to cope with his own grief over the loss of his father, and with the support of his mother too.
And the mother could literally call at any moment and tearfully beg him or the author to come to her. Simply because she feels bad and needs consolation. The original poster saw how her husband was torn between this support and his own work, children, and hobbies, and with each passing day, she increasingly asked herself just one question.
Perhaps it was worth somehow setting boundaries in communication with the mother-in-law? For example, so that she comes to them not every day, but at least a couple of times a week. Moreover, the elderly lady has other relatives who also provide her with all kinds of family support. And the OP, overcome by these thoughts, simultaneously experiences remorse if she’s being horrible and heartless with these thoughts at all?
Image credits: RDNE Stock project / Pexels (not the actual photo)
In any case, experts say that experiencing the death of loved ones is an incredibly difficult experience, and each person does so in their own way. “For some people, mourning can go on so long or be so distressing that it becomes unhealthy. This prolonged and intense reaction to loss is known as complicated grief,” this dedicated post on the National Institute of Aging website says.
“People with this condition may be unable to comprehend or accept the loss, experience intense sorrow and emotional pain, and have trouble resuming their own lives and making plans for the future. Complicated grief can be a serious condition. Those who have it may need additional help to overcome the loss. If sadness is making it difficult for you to carry on in your day-to-day life, help is available,” the same source claims.
In these cases, there is grief counseling, which really helps people cope with unbearable sadness more effectively. Regular talk therapy with a grief counselor or therapist can really help here. On the other hand, another reasonable question arises—how can the author persuade her MIL to take such a step, and what kind of reaction might it cause on her part?
Most people in the comments, also paying tribute to the memory and respect of the late author’s FIL, admit that her mother-in-law should also consider other members of her family. After all, life goes on. “Yes it’s difficult all round, but your MIL has to start to learn to stand on her own feet again and forge a life for herself,” someone wrote. “4 months isn’t long but you don’t have to be in servitude,” another commenter agreed.
In any case, the responders urge the woman to try to get her MIL interested in life again. For example, by appealing to her hobbies. “There’s nothing wrong with starting to set boundaries and encouraging her to develop her own hobbies and things which bring her some joy,” someone added quite wisely. And what would you, our dear readers, advise our heroine to do? Please feel free to share your ideas in the comments below.
People in the comments gave the author their support and suggested she try to somehow get the MIL interested in life again
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What do you think ?
arthbach 6 days ago
The widow has recently lost her husband. I suspect she is trying to mould her son, to get him to take on some of the roles her husband played. This is why she is not so interested in receiving help from her daughter who lives nearby. She wants the comfort on having a man she can call on at any time. If this is not a role her son (and his wife) want for him, he needs to start speaking up, and using the word 'No'.
Lyoness 4 days ago
Agreed, but I have a feeling it's not malicious on Mum's side. It's a very normal grief reaction - to look for others to fill the gap in your life. Her son is just the closest person who's the most like her husband. It doesn't make it any easier on the DIL or her son though. Boundaries are a good idea, with a little empathy thrown in. No need to cut her off cold turkey, but it's time to start scaling back.
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Janelle Collard 6 days ago
OP's *hubs* needs to talk to his mom re: Mom needs more help than he or OP can provide at this time. If OP tries to say this, MIL will go ballistic so HUBS needs to do this. And he needs to do this NOW!
Littlemiss 4 days ago
My mother tried to pull the same thing on me. She expected me to move heaven and earth for her after my Dad died. Not once did she actually think she needed to do a thing. Hubby needs to draw a line in the sand or he'll never escape his mother's needs and won't have a marriage to come back to
Load More Replies...
arthbach 6 days ago
The widow has recently lost her husband. I suspect she is trying to mould her son, to get him to take on some of the roles her husband played. This is why she is not so interested in receiving help from her daughter who lives nearby. She wants the comfort on having a man she can call on at any time. If this is not a role her son (and his wife) want for him, he needs to start speaking up, and using the word 'No'.
Lyoness 4 days ago
Agreed, but I have a feeling it's not malicious on Mum's side. It's a very normal grief reaction - to look for others to fill the gap in your life. Her son is just the closest person who's the most like her husband. It doesn't make it any easier on the DIL or her son though. Boundaries are a good idea, with a little empathy thrown in. No need to cut her off cold turkey, but it's time to start scaling back.
Load More Replies... Janelle Collard 6 days ago
OP's *hubs* needs to talk to his mom re: Mom needs more help than he or OP can provide at this time. If OP tries to say this, MIL will go ballistic so HUBS needs to do this. And he needs to do this NOW!
Littlemiss 4 days ago
My mother tried to pull the same thing on me. She expected me to move heaven and earth for her after my Dad died. Not once did she actually think she needed to do a thing. Hubby needs to draw a line in the sand or he'll never escape his mother's needs and won't have a marriage to come back to
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