My cousin is a nervous ball of wax, despite an Ivy League undergrad and a law degree from Cardozo that my uncle and aunt paid for and pushed him on for the first 25 years of his life.

He makes less money than a Panera employee (yep, even as a lawyer- he can’t get a decent firm associate position because he’s a nervous mess), he is deeply closeted, and would feel a lot better if he just admitted he was gay. Instead he’s hiding under the guise of Orthodox Judaism and wondering why every religious friend of his is married with 3-5 kids a piece by the time they’re 32.

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Felice Coles

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Sounds like a miserable life: suffering at his job, at his religious institution, with his friends...

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at 22 years old:

- I was on a date and did not answer my phone. Within an hour or two, my mother tracked my location and showed up outside my date's apartment, crying. She had my dad calling me on repeat the whole time so I had a ton of missed calls, messages, etc. (Before I left I had told her where I was going, who I was seeing, and had texted her so she knew I had arrived safely.)

- One night around midnight I drove my girlfriend to Steak n Shake for milkshakes. I was called irresponsible, dangerous, disrespectful, etc. I told my parents in advance where I was going and let them know when I made it back home safely. But I did not text them while at the drive-through, which was reckless and unsafe apparently. They could track my location the entire time.

- I moved across the country and my mother followed me and now lives there as well.

- While living with her, she trained me to be anxious. When I tried to leave the house, she would tell me statistics or stories of people who died that week (murder, hit by car, fell on train tracks, kidnapped, etc). All the dangers of the world. Or, it was too hot/cold, or I seemed sick.

- When I told her of jobs I wanted to apply for, there was some reason it wouldn't work out, the hours would get me out of work after dark or I'd have to walk too far, she didn't want to drive me, the job wasn't safe, etc.

- She tried to get my dad to bully me out of going on a road trip with my friends (that I had been planning for 6+ months and already paid for some things). The day of the trip she cried until I cancelled.

It wasn't until these events that I realized anything was wrong. I adored my mother and had no boundaries with her. If she called, I answered. If she wanted me home, I would come home. If she said a certain degree wasn't a good choice, I changed my major. If she had an opinion, it was objective fact. I couldn't make a single decision without getting her opinion.

Now? I need extensive therapy, am incredibly anxious, struggle with decision-making, and I'm trying desperately to get on my own feet. Damn coronavirus has set that back a little bit though. Now that Im breaking down the illusions, I have to re-work how I've viewed the world, relationships, and family dynamics for over two decades. It's traumatic.

Editing to add why I put up with it/lived with my parents so late: I was taught my entire life that my parents were giving me a good healthy life and that everything happening to me was normal/good. I was homeschooled and my mom kept me somewhat socially isolated, and monitored/edited the media I consumed as a kid. It took me a LONG time to realize that I was somewhat brainwashed to her anxiety. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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Jul Chv

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Steak and shakes, that cutthroat of a place.... please!

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A V-22 Osprey. No identity of their own, gets tilted easily and high maintenance.

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Weim Central

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This is good.

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I’m completing a thesis on this! They are more likely to: use pain medication with a prescription, have a prescription for depression and anxiety, use unhealthy coping strategies, feel alienation from peers. That’s off the top of my head. But it’s a really fascinating topic!

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Good luck on your thesis!

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1.) I moved to a different country.

2.) I do not go back to visit.

3.) When they come visit, they stay in a hotel.

4.) My husband, who was not raised in an overbearing environment, is always present when they visit. He serves as a reality check and is effective in shutting down misbehavior.

5.) I'm going to have to explain one day that they wont be allowed unsupervised visits with any children I have.

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Penny Hernandez

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Good for you!

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28 years old with highly abusive helicopter mom. Up until she died 4 years ago my life was an anxious mess. I never had to think for myself as a kid since she was the one always deciding who i got to hang out with or what my future should look like. I slowly started rebelling when i left for college 1000 km away but i didnt free myself from her grip until she died.

I have absolutely no ambitions, i finished college and studied what she wanted me to, but i have 0 interest in my career and could not care less about continuing my education (i'm a doctor so this should be important, but i just dont care)

I am super lazy, i procrastinate a lot, i was used from a young age to have her breathing down my neck making sure i got stuff done, so now that she's gone i see no reason to make the effort.

I have a really hard time making decisions, i'll get really anxious and i almost always need someone else to help or validate me. I also get very very anxious when i have to turn someone down, tell someone something thats bothering me or just stand up for myself in general. This has been an issue with my SO. This could be because of her abuse and not because of her helicoptering though.

I also have a really hard time being okay with disappointing people. My mom would lose her s**t if i failed her, she would get really hurtful and sometimes she would resort to physical violence. I will do stuff i dont want to just to avoid feeling i let someone down. This is a hard one because not only have i done projects or chores i didnt want to, i have also done sexual things with partners i did not feel comfortable with just to avoid them thinking i am not good enough. Working on this though.

Lastly, because my mom was so overbearing, when i finally left for college i realized the best way to get her off my back was to lie. I would lie to her all the time, about my grades, me friends, the people i dated, if i thought that something would bother her just a little bit, i lied. Now i still struggle with this, i lie to my dad, my friends and my SO. Not big bad lies like ripping them off or cheating or whatever, but i will find myself continually sugarcoating things, leaving important details out or just right out inventing things (for example i lost my wallet a few weeks ago because i was goofing around, but i told my SO and my dad that i had been robbed just so i didnt have to hear them tell me i should be more careful). I dont even plan on lying, it comes out on its own and then i would look bad if i corrected myself :c

All in all my life is pretty good now, i have a loving SO, we just bought an apartment and i have a steady job, but i always look at other people with their own dreams and ambitions and wonder how that must feel, i just float through life with no real goal except getting my paycheck so i can buy something/go out to eat/get a present for my SO.

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Diolla

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You're so honest. Very enlightening. Happy to see you're doing OK. If your current mentality troubles you a lot, maybe you could find a coach (not a shrink, you don't need that) to sort that out. I did and it helped me a lot, now I am happy with myself even though I have issues.

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I know several graduates of a high end private preparatory high school who have said that, by age 30, they attended more funerals than weddings for their former classmates because the suicide rate was so high. They all had had helicopter parents and took any sort of setback in their lives as a failure because they lacked any sort of coping skills.

Edit: I will also add that they were all said to lack any intrinsic joy or motivation in their own lives. They completed degrees and took jobs that made their parents happy or that were socially acceptable in the elitist/rich circles they grew up in instead of pursuing their interests. They also apparently had no understanding that things like marriage and children weren’t just 100% happy if done right so they internalized any marital or familial strife as personal failings.

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Quitethedilemma

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This is wretched.

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My mom was the original helicopter parent. My dad was a stereotypical "fun dad" who my mom didn't trust *at all* to look after myself and my siblings.

Adulthood was hard. I had zero real life skills. Moved out when I was 18 to go to school in another city. My parents found me an apartment, paid the deposit, connected the phone/internet for me, sent me enough money for rent each month. My bf moved with me, he had a very different upbringing. It was a rough first year and I honestly can't believe he didn't just dump me. Not only did I not know how to do many, many things, I honestly wasn't even really aware that some things needed to be done. I had never been taught things like that there was a specific day of the week on which garbage would be picked up, for example. I had to learn *everything* from how to cook a meal to how to make and follow a budget.

Now I'm 40 and have kids of my own. As a parent I am *much* more relaxed than my mom (or even my husband). I actually lean well into the "benign neglect" end of the parenting spectrum. I held a lot of resentment towards my mom for years for not teaching me things, and for "saving" me all the time. I love my kids like mad, so I let them fail and learn from their mistakes. My kids are way more competent as kids than I was as an adult. They know how to budget and save, how to cook and clean and are learning so many other aspects of "being a real person".

I still struggle with some things, but I was also diagnosed with ADHD as an adult and that certainly plays a part for me.

Unlike some of the other responses here, I don't struggle with anxiety. I'm rather probably not anxious enough about things. My default reaction is to blindly trust that something will "save me" in the end. Not always a great way to be.

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Well I have gone fully noncontact and I look like s**t a lot because I have crippling depression and don’t take care of myself well. Though it was more overly controlling narcissistic tiger parent b******t than classic overly invested pta mom type s**t.

EDIT: Read through some other responses and saw that everyone was being brutally honest so

— extremely mentally ill & qualifying for disability accommodations
— eating disorder they never bothered to do anything about f****d up my heart and it has almost given out several time
— permanent scars covering one arm and a large parts of the rest of my body
— can’t put value into anything, nothing in the future appeals to me, I have no passions/goals/etc & I’m mostly dealing with it by popping any pill I can find
— have absolutely no regard for my safety because I’m pretty sure I’m a toxic presence on the world
— holding relationships is painful because I’m always convinced my friends are conspiring against me and I’m very heavily burned out by minimal social interaction. Being alone really f*****g hurts though so it’s a catch-22

But I’m in one of the top business schools in the country, am holding down 3 jobs, managed a 3 year relationship, and am 100% financially self sufficient since age 20. Also they tried to commit tax fraud after I cut them off and I dragged lawyers in and ends up with 100k so that’s cool I guess.

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Diolla

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Narcissists are deadly. Really. Thanks for your honesty.

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I had a friend in college who will be 25 in a few days, and to this day her mother requires her to call when she gets to work and everytime she gets home. If she doesn't call, she will be called within minutes of arriving at a location. Her crazy mother tries to decide which boys she should date regardless of compatibility with her daughter. So she's been single for over three years now, and doesnt understand why. She uses tinder but refuses to leave her home city, so she is very limited. Her personality has slowly become "I own a cat" because she won't leave her comfort zone at all. The mom hates video games so she stopped playing them because she will get yelled at over the phone for doing so.

Its really sad.. I miss the girl I knew I college and had so much fun with. She wasn't obsessed with finding a boyfriend, she was always down for adventures. Even though we don't talk I worry she's going to be forced to become a mom before she's ready because her mother just wants her to pop out kids and go to church. If she's happy I guess that's what's important.

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Taylor ßudd

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Another church looney. Take a long walk off a short cliff

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I'm 25 and it took moving to a different continent to realize my mom is the root of my anxiety problems. Even as far back as high school I sort of had to separate parts of my life so she wouldn't take over. I never told her about assignments or named friends. I don't date because I'm too emotionally distant to maintain a relationship. She's let up on my younger brother a lot but she still treats me like an invalid who can't do basic household chores. She hovers over me when I cook so I basically lived off frozen food. She also constantly tells me that I'm unqualified for my job and it's made me seriously doubt myself in the past. When I try to have hobbies she'll either get involved and take over, or if she can't do that she'll try to disrupt me if she sees me doing something I enjoy.

When I was living on my own for the first time I realized that I have no problem with chores and cooking. My mom was just so stressful to be around that it was making me shut down and not want to do anything. When I moved to a different country my anxiety completely went away (my acne literally cleared up lol). As it turns out the farther away I am from her the less crippling my social anxiety is.

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If I'm around my parents. I better not make my own decisions. Even if it's the best one, since it is mine - it is wrong.

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loyalhufflepuff07

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My mom always assumes that even though she might be wrong, she is right just because she is the parent. She never lets me give any reasoning for my answers or opinions because if I do I'm "talking back"

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College mug shots.

These kids go crazy once they taste freedom.

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I ended up having to remove my parents from my life, and at first, it was really hard. But seriously, they've controlled every aspect of it:

* When I was a kid, my internet time was limited and supervised. I was allowed like an hour a day on electronics.

* I wasn't allowed to play any violent video games. I really only played Mario Kart.

* I wasn't allowed to play Pokémon because it had evolution in it.

* I wasn't allowed to read Harry Potter because it was magic and magic is bad.

* They decided which college I went to when I was 18. They decided which degree I got. When I was struggling to find work, they pushed me to go into a field I didn't want, which I am now stuck in.

* When I was sick as well, it was really rare I went to the doctor. At one point, I was dying from a bad case of pneumonia, and they refused to hospitalize me, even though I was almost dead (quite literally). My lungs were full of fluid, and my oxygen level was running at 82%. Even on oxygen, that number didn't go up.

Once I moved out of my house, I started to talk to them less, until last year I finally just decided to cut them off. Talking to them gave me anxiety, and they always tried to steer my life a different direction, so I figured it was better to cut them off completely.

At first it was hard, but it's gotten easier over time.

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College seniors who don’t know how to find resources on basic things like housing, mental health, how to find a job, and other basic functions that are necessary for someone to live an independent and productive life.

I know of one person who didn’t even know how to fill out a basic job application to work as a bagger at the local supermarket. This same person also drove four hours every week to have their mom wash and iron their clothes for the week because they couldn’t figure out how to operate the machines in the local laundromat and said figuring it out was too much work. I was floored.

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Sarah

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But they know how to drive?

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Went no-contact with my helicopter mom in May of 2018. I was 25.

She sent me bi-weekly emails trying to talk to me. Texted me random things, like a photo of her cat, from her phone and her husband's phone.

Her last email consisted of her telling me she was going to come over to my house, and if I wasn't there, she was going to come to my work to find me. A week after that email, I packed up everything and moved 1200 miles away without telling her. She messaged a "woe is me" sob story to my SO's mom about how "worried" she is because she "can't find me." Still talks to her to this day.

Then on this past Saturday, she calls my job and says, "Hi [name], this is mom." I hung up immediately and am now seriously searching for jobs. I don't care what it is, I need to change jobs NOW.

I'd get a restraining order, but she is just out of the legal requirement for stalking. A lawyer laughed at me when I asked them if I can have one.

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I'mNotARoboat

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She's literally harassing you and stalking you but a lawyer laughed at you wtf?

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Basically learned how to be sneaky and hide things.

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A frightened inexperienced failure or a rebellious jacka**.

spoonlicker3000 , Mahdi Bafande Report

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Adults with helicopter parents. Know a few they moved away to college and parents followed and moved where they moved and had them move in with them. Mid 20s and parents run their lives same as when they were teenagers.

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I will tell you. At 32, he still lives with his mommy. Mommy wakes up everyday before he goes to work to make him a smoothie, and hands it to him. He leaves his clothes on floor of the bathroom, and mommy picks it all up and washes all his clothes. Mommy folds it and puts it in his room. This guy has been dating the same girl for 10 years and they are still dating and only see each other on the weekends. Mommy washes, cleans, and does EVERYTHING for him. It's pathetic.

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Cammy Cat

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That sounds more spoiled than a helicopter parent

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Mental illness. Bad at articulating and defending themselves, indecisive, poor communicators.

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My parents were/are really overbearing and our family is very enmeshed. My brother is in his 40s, calls my mom every day and will still go to her about decisions in his life, but he gets a break because he's a man, and married and has kids.

My sister and I are in our late 30s and 40s and both unmarried with children, so in my mom's eyes we're still children. I had a medical issue that required surgery a couple years ago, and my mom was still trying to make appointments for me and wanted to go to my doctor's appointments. I was diagnosed with a chronic illness and she asks to see copies of my labwork so she "can get a second opinion" even though I told her I didn't need one. She assumes every job I get myself is a "bad" job and tries to get me to look for something better. OH and she is a nurse and was potentially exposed to COVID, did that stop her from giving me the guilt trip when I don't feel comfortable seeing her for her birthday? Nope.

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They have imposter syndrome, are depressed and anxious. I was raised by a helicopter mother.

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Gemma jones

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yep thats me

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They look like my brother in law, a 32 year old gamer who just got his drivers license and who has only had one date, which my mother in law chaperoned. He’s never had a job, never pays rent, never had sex, just sleeps until 2 or 3 pm and goes to bed whenever the f@ck.

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I grew up with strict Evangelical parents. Fundamentally, I have a good set of principles and fortitude, and there were 9 of us (I’m one of 6 boys, 3 girls), so I didn’t expect any miracles. They definitely had control issues and I pretty much cut them out of my personal life after I got my BA and left home. It was mostly my mother and my father going along with it. It’s better now, but mostly because of distance.

In answering your question, the biggest damage is being severely under-developed emotionally and being vulnerable to abuse. As such, many children of helicopter parents have ambivalent relationships because they don’t know what they need or what to expect when confronted with relationships outside of authoritarian figures. Good principles helps you personally, but most people you come into contact with are petty, manipulative, abusive and violent and indifferent, and I was woefully unprepared knowing how to navigate that.

Emotionally, I’ve also had a lot of issues with attachment and seeking acceptance, even when My first long-term relationship was exhausting as I did all of the work, while being abused and disposed of eventually.

I’ve improved but learning how to advocate for yourself is difficult and I have problems with anger, which I think is a healthy normal emotion. But now when I know people are gaslighting me and trivializing my concerns, I lash out.........and since I’m not an angry person.......I don’t really always know how to manage that. I’m mostly avoidant or I cut people off now. I know those are extreme options, but abusers, controllers and disrespectful people need to be explicitly told about why their behaviour is unacceptable, they need to be accountable and they need to know that any future interaction is contingent on their behaviour changing. Some people don’t change.

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Karen Lyon

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No, see, most of the people you come into contact with are NOT "petty, manipulative, abusive, and violent". Those are the ones who stick around, because you don't know how to make them leave you alone, and healthier people can't be around you because it's too stressful.

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I think there is three routes:

1. That person has never been able to get away from their parents. It is like an emotional dependence where there is an intense need of validation. There might be inability to make decisions for themselves. Those people tend to put a wall around themselves from the world and would feel extremely sharply to rejection.

2. The type that would become extremely wild. In a sense that they will do the opposite of anything that the parents would want them to do. They tasted freedom and got addicted to it. So, anything that cause them to feel like they are being controlled will be received in extreme hostility. However, they are crippled by insecurity.

3. This type was able to get off from the feeling of dependence and learn to make decisions for themselves. They also learned to control their feelings and establish their values well. This type of person started from the bottom, learning independence, coping skills, and their own emotions. They might experience a lot hardships due to the lack of certain life skills that they should have learned throughout childhood development such as right coping skills. However, humility and self awareness can save them from the insanity of this world without experience or knowledge of these life skills.

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Romani culture is inundated with domineering parents who make peremptory demands, expect deferential reverence, and their children to be subservient. You have the juxtaposition of an over-indulgent mother who's children are trammelled by her living vicariously through them and an authoritarian father who imposes his rigid, often antiquated, sensibilities up in them.

The repercussions are an entire generation of Roma who cannot assimilate in western societies, a manipulated dependency upon Elders who luxuriate in their authority, no self sufficient, no gumption, no adaptability, tempestuous tempers, social ineptitude, contemptuous disregard for education, and no prospects.

Too many are maladjusted and incapacitated by a lack of autonomy.

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OneHappyPuppy

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Now if only someone could translate this into English...

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They live in fear of all new experiences. Turns out never falling off the monkey bars, never learning to ride a bike, and never having a sleepover lead to never falling in love, never learning to manage your finances, and never having fun. Kids with helicopter parents turn into boring adults.

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I dated a girl who was an only child and had a helicopter mom. She couldn’t make decisions, had to talk to her mom daily (before cell phones), and was pretty much a narcissist. She cheated on me, I guess her mom told her to always look for something better. We talked once about 20 years later on Facebook, she was still single and after about 3 back and forth updates she made some shi**y comment about my wife (whom she had never met) so I blocked her immediately. She got married around age 45 I guess because her last name was changed on LinkedIn. What is funny is that her married name is something horrible, like Focker. Poor guy.

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I honestly think it depends on the child. A very independent child will probably rebel. A dependent child might flourish to a point. I've noticed all types of kids react differently. Some do well and some don't. It's just like kiddos that grow up in an abusive household. Some kids will find away to flourish as they need and some kids will suffer.

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Kids with helicopter parents can grow to become jaded because of so many missed opportunities. Granted, some things they may have missed out on may have very well saved their lives but there is still that regret. It's important to create some distance as you grow up if you find yourself under this type of roof not simply to get away from your parents but to grow as a person. You will get older and your parents won't always be there to make every decision for you. It is important to learn how to steer the rudder under normal circumstances because it does not take a lot of time before the tides change.

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I was a kid with a helicopter parent. I ended up developing two EDs, developing severe anxiety, depression, and PTSD, I was willing to marry someone who was super abusive so I could leave the house and just get away, if I wasn't working or at school my senior year I drugged myself with benadryl so I could sleep all day and developed a dependency and I've been to jail twice over said ex although one of the charges have been dropped because it was false accusations (I'd legit already been to court over this same thing just with different dates I dont know how a grown a*s man looked at that and didnt laugh her out of the room but what ever) and I'm currently in the process of getting my life together...... oh also the school kind of begged her to get me checked for ADHD as a kid and she wouldn't because she just didnt want to and she had a hero complex because she "saved" me from a "lifetime of taking pills" in reality all that happened is I only completed highschool thanks to the pandemic because regular highschool just didnt fit my needs I couldnt concentrate


Edit to add something I forgot: I would also be punished for self soothing and stemming in school which she for some reason was fine with so my life was honestly hell until I moved out

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As someone who is 21 and has helicopter parents i can tell you that we get very clever in hiding things and very paranoid about the smallest things. My parents still check my bank account to see what I purchase, read through my text messages, and is very strict on playing video games. But I can tell you that from years of this I have found ways around it. I have a venmo card to hide purchases, use dms on Twitter or discord to talk to people, and setup macros to mute and switch applications in one keystroke to avoid getting caught playing video games when i shouldn't be.

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At 21, you should be on your own, even if it means substandard housing. At least you'll be free.

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Honestly, me and my husband are trying to figure this out.

My MIL is a total helicopter parent; if one of us (me, my husband, or his brother) doesn't respond to her messages within an hour or two, she'll bombard the other two about where we are/if something happened to us. She freaked out on me when I didn't respond to her after three hours (we were doing a cross-country drive) and accused me of trying to shut her out and said we're never going to be a real family because of the "walls" I've built up around myself. I don't know what to do.

My husband won't stand up to her as much as I want him to, but I can't do this for the rest of my life. We have to establish some boundaries, but it's not my mom, so I can't be the one to initiate.

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Detached from said helicopter parent. Not mine, but one of my best friends. I'm amazed she hasn't done drugs the moment she moved out of her mom's place but she's doing well for herself now and is all good.

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I've interviewed them for work. I will not likely ever hire one. When they ask for their parents to join the interview (yes they do that), I know a couple things, first they will not have any idea what confidential means for our corporate info, mom and dad will get it all including client information, second, they will not be reliable to do anything at all on their own, they will have to be walked through everything. In short, they tend to be extremely unhirable for the roles I interview them for.

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They tend to struggle becoming self sufficient

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They either grow up to be non functioning adults that depend on their parents entirely, or they vastly limit their interactions with (if not cut them out completely) and become fully formed adults.

My parents were incredibly controlling, saying they were helicopter parents would be an understatement. They were also incredibly abusive, so despite their best efforts, I've done alright for myself. When they die, I will be over the moon. And judging by how ignorant and stubborn they are, that might be very soon.

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When I was coming up, this term hadn’t been invented...my father was a ‘control freak’... Sadly, children who have no say in their own lives are quite likely to run a bit haywire - or have a breakdown - when they go away to school...

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I’ve known a couple people whose parents were in ABSOLUTE control and here’s what I’ve seen so far.

- number 1, they either go wild child style and go crazy. Some of them do drugs, drink often, and are really bad at making decisions because their parents have made decisions for them. Usually, they were the baddest in the group because once they were out of reach of their parents they flipped their switch. A lot of them aren’t aware of “Consequences of their actions”, because when you have someone making decisions behind the scene, you won’t experience the consequences and learn from them. This results in a lot of them having to learn the consequences when their much older and messing them up for a long time.

-or number 2 they turn out to be extremely independent. Another half of these children turn out to be extremely independent, not relying on any outside help and some of them also fully cut off communication with said helicopter parent or parents. They also turn out to be successful and very capable people. A lot of them learn through experiences with friends and don’t end up having to learn about “consequences of their actions.” Because they’ve already learned.

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I mean from what I’ve learned from books and witnessed from my friends...

- they can’t stand up for themselves or make decisions

- trauma typically runs deep and they develop some sort of trust issues

- their work ethic is god awful if they get the opportunity to get out of their parents control

- and, obviously to us, spectators, but not to the helicopter parents, theyre typically depressed & end up with low self esteem.

My evidence? I took a bunch of psychology/sociology classes (even though I’m younger I still value being able to learn about children and the impact their parents & their parenting styles have on them). A decent amount of my friends also have helicopter parents. My friend complains to me constantly about how her work ethic got significantly worse after she left for college. Her parents are better now sure, but their consistent pestering forced her to stay on top of her work. Same thing goes for my neighbor....his mom actually DOES his projects. He’s off to college this year and I often wonder how he’ll handle it.

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I’m in the midst of dealing with this exact thing. My helicopter mother still tries to call the shots in my life, my wife’s life, and my sons’ lives. I’m 37 years old. I’m trying to set boundaries. My new boundaries are being received by my mom as withholding my family from her presence. My mom is telling my kids that I’m brainwashing [them] and teaching them lies about her. The victim roots run deep with my mom.

Here are some more details: (Fair warning, it’s a lot.)

January 2020: My dad became ill with a misdiagnosed illness. His condition deteriorated. He was transferred to a leading University Hospital ICU. My dad was diagnosed with “a Coronavirus, we just can’t seem to figure out which one.” Tests for COVID-19 hadn’t been invented yet.

February: (Money was the only way my dad knew how to show his love/support to his kids. Rather than bleed my dad dry, I asked for his financial support on an “as needed” basis, and I rarely needed his support.) My dad was a safety net for me, monetarily. Since my dad was in the ICU and deteriorating, I saw what may need to happen, so I explained to my baby-mom that [...] I may need to file for child support if my dad died. (I’ve had my boys for seven years without filing for child support.) My dad died of “a Coronavirus,” which caused my mom to lose her mind.

March: Lockdown began. Wife is out of work, I’m “essential.” I tried to mend the bridge with my mom, twice. Each time, my mom tried convincing me that my wife is wrong for her part in the falling out. My mom tried convincing me that I was wrong for my part in the falling out. My mom tried convincing me that she was without fault in the falling out. Okay, noted.

April: No change. The Department of Child Support determined a certain dollar amount that my kids’ mom is required to pay. The payment amount is based on my household income/expenses, baby-mom’s income/expenses, and the amount of time we each spend with our kids. I have my kids 90% of the time, per court orders; Also, baby-mom dipped out of the state and lives 680+ miles away. A hearing is scheduled. My mom openly interpreted my boundaries as abusive and neglectful behavior to my kids.

May: Work reopened. I went on furlough for mental health reasons. My dad died from COVID, and my work wanted me to screen guests on their way into my place of work, a casino. I had problems with that.

June: My boys’ mom started her court-ordered visitation. At the beginning of her visitation, she improperly served me with Emergency Custody/Visitation Revaluation paperwork. In her paperwork, baby mom quoted my mom, citing my abusive and neglectful behavior. I confronted my mom and asked her if she’s colluding with my kids’ mom, and she said yes. I said, “This means my kids could get taken away from me, mom. What happens if my kids get taken away from me, mom?” She replied, “What if your kids get taken away from you?” Since then, I’ve been investigated by my county’s Sheriff’s department as well as Child Protective Services for allegations of abuse/neglect.

Baby-mom’s request was denied. She filed the same thing again. It was denied again. Baby-mom said she’s not going to return my kids.

The Court isn’t helping because “this is a civil matter, not criminal.” Law enforcement isn’t helping because, “We don’t have orders to remove the children from her (baby-mom’s) custody and return them to your custody."

Silver lining: My attorney said that my baby-mom’s behavior is common and the court system knows it. A parent who is suddenly required to pay any amount of child support typically panics; they then try to smear the other parent in an attempt to get out of paying child support.

My attorney also said that my mom’s behavior is common, and the court system knows it. A grandparent who is suddenly denied access to their grandchildren will side with whichever parent grants them access to the grandchildren, even if it means alienating their own child.

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FinkAdele

FinkAdele

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2 years ago

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I registered specifically to respond to this post. This thread is all about me, but this post... I don't have kids, but it vibed with me the most. I cannot imagine how dreadful it must be to have your children kidnapped and discovering their "grandmother" is involved... It is shock for me. I hope law would be eventually by your side.

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The technical term is "disasters" I think. They're often utterly incompetent at life - both personally and professionally.

anon Report

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Anxiety, immaturity, inability to make decisions, identity crisis all the time, psychological self-abuse. And when they have kids of their own, they'll do the same.

Timullin Report

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Oh me! I cut them out completely and flipped my life. Entering the world for the first time as an adult was terrifying, however, as I had little real life skills and crippling anxiety/doubt. I'm painted as the villain in my family, but f**k if I care... I couldn't live with their abuse any longer. All that being said, I'm positive their terrible parenting is the reason I have zero desire to start a family or exist in anything permanent. I carved my path on running, and, unfortunately, it worked so well for me a decade ago that I just can't give it up. In recent years I have tried, and I am pretty blessed to be around people that understand it and support me "running in small doses," if that makes sense. I am still a high strung soul, I am flighty when I get too cozy, and I ultimately feel like a burden in any long term relationship, but I'm an overall drastically different and an exponentially happier person.

ckjm Report

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Bulldozer parents, the extreme version of helicopter parents that push away everything in their child’s way.

Win_That Report

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Helipads.
Parents just continue to use them if the child didn't cut them off.Worst case scenario,they live with their parents and are unemployed.Their "looks"are predominated by indecisiveness,a slighter thinner or bigger build,and usually with a hobby that seems inexpensive at first,but gradually becomes unbearable.They also end relationships and friendships based on their parents' decisions.
If they had cut off their parents,then they are ALMOST a normal adult.Almost because their parents keep pestering their life every day till they die.But what is beautiful about them is that they will usually never do what their parents did.

Alexander_R0S3 Report

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They lose their s**t and have breakdowns. Seen it many times.

anon Report

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it never stops. you can never truly feel "free" or independent. even when you are making close to 800 or 1000 a week, are successful, have your own things going on etc etc...it never stops. there's always this weird "thing". im not sure if it's overprotective? it's just odd

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I had mild helicopter parents, partly because they had trouble conceiving and because I’m an only child (extra protection, extra attention on myself with no siblings). Most recently, I realized how bad it was when I became engaged a year and a half ago. We wanted to get married where we currently live, whereas my parents insisted we get married by them because I’m the bride (about 475 miles away). They refused to contribute a cent to the wedding because of the dispute (not even for invitations or a cake topper? No). My mother kept asking why I was pushing my family away, which got worse last Christmas when I spent the holiday with my fiancé’s family for the first time. My mom called me crying on *Christmas Eve* because she insisted that I’d rather be in his family than my own and that she doesn’t know me anymore because of how distant I’ve become. Which is such utter bs because it’s healthy to need space once in a while, and it’s perfectly normal for a couple to split their holidays between families (we spent Thanksgiving with mine that year). We’re better now, but postponed the wedding because of how much drama was happening with my family, and how distraught I was that I couldn’t please everyone. We still don’t have a date partly because the whole planning experience was so traumatic the first go-around.

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FinkAdele

FinkAdele

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2 years ago

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I am only child - it is tough. But... pandemic did good for me and my mom, me and my husband got really quiet and peaceful time all by our own, without all the usual fuss... I would like to spend another pandemic Christmas, for sure :)

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A friend of mine just cheated on his wife, and moved out. They're on their way to a divorce. His wife has a helicopter mother.

When I asked him if he thought they could work it out he replied very seriously, "her mom knows I cheated so there's no going back even if I wanted to."

In other words, he didn't even mention his wife's feelings about being cheated on or their marriage, her mother was such a force between them that he regarded her as the ultimate response.

Toxic.

Amenra7 Report

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My sister is dating one. He’s helpless, hopeless, and coddled.

anon Report

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I was not raised by helicopter parents however I notice most my girlfriends with helicopter parents either never left moms house or only moved out of moms house when literally married and planning to be a housewife....they are adult women with no control in their lives.

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FinkAdele

FinkAdele

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2 years ago

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Terry Pratchett wrote about that: you are your mothers son until you're married, but you are your mothers daughter until you die. Life is hard for us, girls.

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Not me but a close friend. She's in her early thirties and struggling. She moved across the country to take a dream job and her parents will still visit her for months at a time and call her everyday. I once watched them flip out and call her 15+ times because they didn't listen when she told them where she was going and she didn't check in as she was at a movie. This was just a few months ago. It's always shocking to see her interract with them because she is constantly seeking their approval like a young kid.

She's actually the most social person I know and makes friends really easily as her parents were very social, just extremely strict. She's really struggling finding a partner because she didn't start truly dating until she was 29. She had a few flings but everything had to be kept secret so she never had the option to truly date people. She is really behind in terms of dating intelligence and has a lot of drama and ghosting as a result. Think about the cringey things you did when you started now put that in a 33 year old. To make matters worse her parents are now wanting grandkids and wondering why no one wants to date their daughter. They've even tried arranging marriages and we aren't in a culture that does it. It's really effected her self esteem but I guess she always thought when she was ready to settle down and start a family her perfect partner would just show up? I've tried gently guiding her to not get obsessive and be patient but she has been single for so long it's not easy.

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FinkAdele

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2 years ago

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Imagine doing it so at 42. I am trying :/

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I mean I still live with my parents because I’m too scared to fail if I move. I’m 18 :/