One night when my then three-year-old daughter, Harper, was taking a bath, she started to make up these funny little songs. They were normally just the same words sang over and over and over. But they were hilarious and actually quite catchy, so I started to write down the “titles.” That year for Mother’s Day, I mocked up an album cover and an album back – along with a tracklist. I printed them out and put them together on a simple piece of cardboard, and gave it to my wife as a part of her Mother’s Day gift. I have now done this every year since – my daughter is now 9, and this is the first year there will be no album; she just doesn’t sing them as much as she used to, or maybe she does, but she just doesn’t let me hear them. Haha. Here are all of the albums I made out of her songs over the years. Happy Mother’s Day, everyone!

Harper’s Albums

Play With My Heart – Harper Grace – 2015 – Age 3

Play With My Heart Track List

Track List:
1. Play with my heart
2. I was a showgirl, I was a bad girl, I went to prison. I will survive.
3. No one will help me in the hallway
4. Hallway Holiday
5. I love you JB-940
6. You can count on me every time
7. Him was a girl
8. You broke my heart… out of prison
9. My boyfriend wears a cape
10. Night of the forest
11. If you love someone, you will probably go to prison
12. I have been talking to your man
13. If you think you’re going back home… you’re not

The Lyrical Wizard Herself – Harper!

I Can’t Care For That – Harper Grace – 2016 – Age 4

I Can’t Care For That Track List

Track List:
1. You may be right, I may be wrong, we’re both disgusting
2. I love my issues
3. I can’t care for that
4. I’m a monster, not a kitty
5. You can kiss my favor, but you can’t let me go
6. Here I go now, WATCH ME FIGHT!
7. Big daddy’s don’t cry because of hard days
8. The dark wolf waits
9. When all the reindeers look at the sunset, babe, HEY HEY HEY!
10. You’re not a very nice man… should we have dinner anyway?

Bonus Track. I have a bed, Mom has a bed… Dad has the couch

Who Moved the Ranch Sauce out of My Bedroom – Harper Grace – 2017 – Age 5

Who Moved the Ranch Sauce out of My Bedroom Track List

Track List:
1. Rocket A**hole (She was instantly yelled at for this one)
2. You forgot that I never forget
3. Cabbage and Fire
4. You think I’m trouble… But I’m not so bad
5. You can blame me, but I never got some love
6. Thor Thor Thor, welcome to the kidnap store
7. Let’s get crazy enough to forget our language
8. Who moved the ranch sauce out of my bedroom?
9. Smoochely Smoochely Smooch!
10. I just can’t resist that stinky smell on your face
11. I stepped in sleeping pancakes yesterday! You said it’s gonna hurt me less some day
12. Airport cool farm
13. I love that I have to hate you
14. On a dark river with… nobody
15. I probably saw you on the radio
16. I was just put in prison for 50 years for falling in love with a stranger i hardly knew
17. Your brain turns me into a monster… a love monster
18. I’ll sell your apartment, I’ll make you all the money, I’ll make all your dreams come true
19. Magic Princess Aliens of the land of God and Earth
20. You make me want to throw myself away
21. I’m a girl with a brain and I like to save the day!

Harper Grace

Harp and Mom!

Love Monster – Harper Grace – 2018 – Age 6

Love Monster Track List

Love Monster:
Track List:
1. Pink Kryptonite
2. We are the Girls who will save America! (Duet with Harley Quinn)
3. Everything about you’s so big, except your brain
4. I’ll break your heart, I’ll bring it home, I’ll put it back together, but I won’t give it back… sucka! (hahahaha)
5. I know you want to win my love (but you’re a loser)
6. Frecklefart Superstar
7. You know I’m the most-hottest
8. There ain’t no boys in my system
9. I love that you love chicken
10. It’s okay, everyone has different boobies shapes
11. Did you just hate on my face, right to my face?
12. I’m a taco fairy with tortilla wings
13. Pancake band-aids would heal my heart
14. You turn me into a monster… a Love Monster
15. You make me want to throw myself into a trash can
16. Mirror mirror ghost ghost zombie zombie water water

Harp

Chocolate & Money – Harper Grace – 2019 – Age 7

Chocolate & Money Track List

Chocolate and Money:
1. I’m a big bad fairy tale
2. The ballad of the Blood Bride
3. You’ll be on my menu tonight
4. You said you’d take me for sushi… instead you took me for granted
5. Chocolate & Money
6. Waddle for me baby
7. Nipple 23
8. I’ve been telling you “No” since 1983
9. I’m a really trusty forgeter
10. I’m sexy and I’m homeless
11. I woke up with cheeto crumbs in my bra again (This was actually sung by her mom to her)
12. Welcome to “I Love You Land”
13. I found my question… did you lose your answer?
14. You always know how to make my thoughts feel good baby
15. Will you be my bad habit?
16. I will be the most important girl to ever walk the earth
17. You will be my man guest for the big ball
18. I’m celebrating who I will one day become
19. Pizza makes your boobs grow bigger
20. Confetti poop circumstance
21. I don’t care that you broke my heart, but did you have to break my scooter?

Diamond Ring, Onion Ring – Harper Grace – 2019 – Age 8

Diamond Ring, Onion Ring – Track List

1. Bacon and backrubs
2. Chocolate on top, vanilla on bottom
3. You picked the right time to be a bachelor
4. Get a life and go back to your wife
5. Talk into my eyes and look me in the ears
6. Diamond ring, onion ring
7. I told you I wouldn’t hurt you, obviously I’m a liar
8. Prison is overrated
9. Carpet butt-scoot-boogie (ode to my dogs)
10. Mommy daddy chicken patty
11. Box of chicken
12. I just got voted the ugliest girl in beauty school
13. Danny Devito, breakfast burrito
14. Romantic and disgusting
15. I can smell that you like cheese
16. I would lose half of my blood for you (but not all)
17. All I need is my Dad by my side
18. His legs – cute. His arms – cute. His face – cute. His brain – EWW.
19. Instead of thinking about my rear, maybe think about your career

Harper and Dad

Happy Mother’s Day!

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