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Misogyny is all around us. But as writer Nina Renata Aron pointed out in The New York Times, the word, which conventionally means hatred of women and was once a radical accusation has become like a synonym to the gentler "sexism" and "chauvinism" in popular use, and with the term's popularity comes a better understanding of what it encompasses.
And one Reddit user found a way to illustrate it. On Friday, u/horridhollowhead made a post on the subreddit r/AskWomen saying, "What is some internalized misogyny you have to continuously remind yourself to unlearn?" And many ladies came through with their experiences and realizations. From the language they use to the way they look at themselves, here are some of the things that stood out in the comments.
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#1
Sayin « son of a b**ch » to insult a guy. Like seriously if i want to hurt him why I’m insulting his mother
If i say « bastard » well it means that his mom cheated on his father
Crazy how so much slurs are related to women
Have to stop sayin that
RELATED:
#2
Assuming prestigious positions (judge, CEO, etc) are men before I know their gender. Caught myself doing it when my attorney referred to the judge who would be at our hearing as "her" and I was surprised.
It's scary how subtle it can be, and how it can pop up without you even realizing those things were internalized.
#3
My knowledge isn’t less valuable or accurate than a man’s knowledge.
#4
That sex is not something women give to men, but something BOTH parties (should) enjoy.
Brendan Roberts 3 years ago
In my opinion, a good sex life is essential for a strong relationship. And, in order for both parties to enjoy it, they need to communicate with each other. Saying that, I understand that this would probably not apply to asexuals.
Sky Render 3 years ago
As a decidedly not-asexual person married to an asexual, I can assure you that communication about sex is exceptionally important when your partner is asexual! Literally one of you has a need that the other does not, meaning that if you don't say anything, there will be tension...
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Veronica Sjöberg 3 years ago
When i was single i went on many dates and i would say its still very much standard to focus on the male perspective. Sure, some would (sort of) return the favor but only when asked. Some took it like some sort of insult too...
sophie mitchell 6 months ago
Sex is about sharing yourself with your partner. Its about being vulnerable and connecting
Sidra Badar 2 years ago
A year into marriage and I still feel that my husband controls our sex life
ZAPanda 3 years ago
this is very strongly internalised patriarchy. Google the sex strike incident/s. The idea is that you weaponise dispensing it as a way to get men to pay attention to their actions which are patriarchal. However, in effect, you reinforce the patriarchal idea that women "dispense" it.
Veronica Sjöberg 3 years ago
You are not wrong in what you are saying but i would say this is still a very actual issue. Some men are not aware of this though and i think its because of two reasons 1. They don't know how a womans body works 2. They just don't care because its not essential for male pleasure. Most likely a combo.
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#5
That my worth and existence as a woman isn't entirely decided by my appearance. That I don't need to achieve a standard of prettiness before I'm worthy of respect, love and self-confidence
That my value as a human being won't suddenly disappear the second I turn 30. Even though on average women spend 65 years of our lives as an adult, we're only considered "young enough" for 12 of them. For the remaining 53 years, or 82% of our adult lives, we're made to feel like old hags by society. It sucks
#6
I don't have to dye my greying hair if I don't want to. On the flip side, I can have it rainbow coloured if I feel like it.
#7
It's OK to be outside with unshaven legs. It's hair. It's just hair
ShriSha Kamboj 3 years ago
yes......hair is not unhygienic....unless a doc tells me so.....n this is not sarcasm ///
#8
That I don't have to have a husband or kids to live a fulfilling existence. (Totally cool that some women do though!)
#9
I was downtown one day and saw this woman in leggings, boots, and a jacket. She had a pony tail and Starbucks. I thought "Ha, look at this basic bi-" and had to stop myself. I then thought "No, she looks comfy and caffeinated, and that pony tail looks great!"
I often catch myself judging stereotypes for no damn reason.
#11
That other women aren't my competition.
Brendan Roberts 3 years ago
Women are always in competition with each other. Men are always in competition with each other. We all compete all the time. Whether it is in work, in relationships, or within family. It can be as destructive as it is beneficial, but we still do it.
#12
The not like the other girls trope. I'm just like other women, and I like most of them.
Andy Acceber 3 years ago
If you think you're not like other girls, that's because you haven't met enough of them yet. Expand your horizon. Meet more people. Be honest. Be vulnerable. You have more in common with other girls than you think, and there's nothing wrong with that.
#13
The hatred of hairy armpits in pictures. Idk if I’ll ever unlearn this one. I just hate how it looks (particularly on me).
#14
That women who do make up, nails, or pay attention to the way they look are not shallow or self-conceited. “Girly” should not be an insult.
#15
That i dont owe prettiness to anyone
here’s a qoute by Erin Mckean about it:
“You don’t owe prettiness to anyone. Not to your boyfriend/spouse/partner, not to your co-workers, especially not to random men on the street. You don’t owe it to your mother, you don’t owe it to your children, you don’t owe it to civilization in general. Prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked ‘female’.”
Roxy Eastland 3 years ago
Thank you. It is years since I read this quote and I'd forgotten who said it.
#16
Formerly raised Christian woman here: sl** shaming. I'm much better about it now but basically do not judge women's character who are promiscuous.
Also women who are hyper feminine. As long as they don't tell me I need to be the same I can respect their lifestyle as long as it's for them not to solely please men when they don't even like wearing all that stuff.
That my first sexual experience was my choice and that virginity is a concept. That nothing was taken from me. I chose to do it and we did an action together. Period.
#17
That it's not my job to monitor everyone's emotional status, and take care of their feelings and mental health.
#19
It's okay to piss someone off by speaking up.
Gaby Almodovar 3 years ago
No matter your gender, try to be diplomatic, if you can. But sure, you shouldn't hide your opinion, even if it pisses somebody.
#20
I can wear whatever length skirt or pants I want. I’m not a wh**e for wearing ones that end anywhere above my knee.
#21
"Girls suck."
As a 90s kid, this was the theme and in order to not suck, you had to be "not like other girls."
And as soon as you realize they don't suck, you're pitted against each other and aren't able to enjoy how awesome they are.
Turns out, girls are the s**t and their virtues don't detract from yours!
Sometimes when I'm out and about I still feel this vibe coming at me from other women and I understand that where they're coming from has nothing to do with me. Now, I just give them a nice, big smile. 9 times out of 10 they break into the sweetest smile you can imagine and I love that moment. We friends, y'all.
Susie Elle 3 years ago
Ah yes, the 90's. When we still thought women should either serve as an aesthetic or the target of insulting jokes.
#22
That I don't have to listen to men. I can't count how many times random men I barely knew started telling me deeply personal crap like it's my job to listen/care about their problems.
Missy Moo Moo 3 years ago
Ha YES!! Like a man telling me that "xyz" isn't attractive... ah so what?? Like makeup, or some item of clothing. Eewww what makes them think I want to be attractive to them?
#23
That saying no and having an opinion doesn't make me mean/unattractive
#24
Calling ppl pussies as a sign of weakness. Pussies are actually very resilient and strong.
Yvonne Dauwalder Balsiger 3 years ago
Betty White famously said: Why do people say "grow some balls"? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.
#25
Referring to women in their 20’s and 30’s (including myself) as “girls”
#26
I don’t owe my partner sex. For my whole life I’ve operated off this notion that my role as girlfriend is to give my boyfriend sex and if I say no too many times it’s legitimate cause for him to want out of the relationship.
Monday 3 years ago
I dunno, it seems like a perfectly legitimate cause for someone to want out of a relationship. If I'm only okay with having sex once a month but my partner wants sex every 3 days then our sex drives are not compatible. There's no shame in ending a relationship for that reason.
#27
That when the house is dirty/messy it is not because I am a failure. Chores are not divided by gender and self worth doesn’t come from the outward appearance of perfection.
ZAPanda 3 years ago
This one is heavily ingrained in women and I've tried with all my partners to ask them to not do it. As soon as guests are coming over, whooooosh the house gets a whirlwind clean. I mean really? They're my friends. They're much bigger slobs. They really won't see, know, or care.
#28
Being "girly" is not wrong. The disrespect shown towards "typical" female interests, i.e. pumpkin spice, yoga, makeup, etc. is because it is considered female. Even though women are more than half the population, their interests are considered "silly".
#29
That I don't need to be "sweet" all the time. I was always so scared of being perceived as rough or mean. I felt that I needed to be nice all the time like a Disney princess, and never be bothered by anything ever. And never cuss cause ladies don't do that.
I don't go out of my way to be mean. It's good to be good. But that doesn't mean I pretend to be okay when I'm bothered or watch how I'm perceived all the time to be attractive to men.
#31
ThAt I need to have a steady boyfriend or husband for my Survival and fulfillment. I. Do. NOT.
#32
Saying sorry for everything when you haven't actually done anything wrong. At least in the states this is a very common for women to basically apologize for existing or making someone else's life slightly inconvenient with their incredibly reasonable actions. "I'm sorry to bother you" when reaching out, someone holds the door "sorry, thank you", speaking up about something "sorry, but". We don't need to apologize for any of these things. Men rarely if ever do this.
XSpooky_Mint 3 years ago
One time I apologized because my sister pointed out that I looked really shaky, and then she gave me a weird look and I realized it was stupid to apologize and wondered why I did in the first place
#33
Okay so pink and purple are neat colours, but mainly that there’s no need to feel guilty about not wanting kids. I know the person I am and I know I wouldn’t be a kind mother. Sometimes it’s good to know your limits
XSpooky_Mint 3 years ago
My dad thinks I'm lying about not wanting/liking kids because I like to babysit my baby cousin. I mean, dude, I like watching her because I don't have to do it everyday, I'd be an awful parent if I had to do it everyday
#34
That women can be experts on things - often I’ll be watching the news and catch myself believing a woman specialist less than if she were a man. It’s the one misogynistic thing that’s really stuck in my brain and I catch myself out and correct myself every time but still it persists - so weird and annoying and against all of my values!
Leo Domitrix 3 years ago
You have no idea how often this one bites people in the a$$, medically speaking.
#35
I might be a girl and I might be the oldest but it is not my job to manage my parents' feelings and expectations. It took nearly 50 years to learn that lesson but at least I did it - and hopefully I managed to pass it on to my kid, so that she won't waste nearly the time on it I did.
#36
Rest isn’t just for men. My husband doesn’t do the dishes when he visits his parents and I feel bad for not always doing the dishes when I visit my parents.
Jessica Gunn 3 years ago
One hundred percent THIS. I'd like to rest too, I hate being expected to help with cooking and dishes while the guys (brothers and husbands) don't!
#37
I don't see the men in my life putting the time energy or give-a-damn into: getting rid of body hair, or keeping their skin perfect, or being the perfect body 110% of the time. I'm allowed to just be me and be comfortable in that.... But sometimes it digs into my subconscious that I SHOULD want these things. Trying my best.
#38
It's okay if she isn't wearing something of conventional/"weird" clothing but something which she loves.
ZAPanda 3 years ago (edited)
Again we're back on the clothing thing, but I must say it's definitely swung in favour of women at the moment. Try be a woman and wear a suit. You might get some sexist remarks that you are trying to be macho or dominating. Try be a man and wear a dress/skirt. If you don't get beaten up you will certainly be insulted. I get insulted for merely wearining non-blue clothing. Literally. Maybe this is a side-effect of living in Africa. We had a case where one guy publicly announced that he'd beat a woman who was wearing pants... but he was a rural guy. In cities, women wear pants all the time. I've only ever seen a man in a skirt at a scottish parade.
#40
I can not like another woman for whatever dumb reason I care to name, but if I go after her looks instead of the real issue between us I am the one in the wrong.
What do you think ?
Ozacoter 3 years ago
Yes. Toxic masculinity is internalised sexism from men to themselves and other men. So this is toxic femininity. Sexism harms everybody
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Leo Domitrix 3 years ago
My mother said this to me when I was about ten: "You don't need a man to be a person". And that has shaped my thinking more than I realize ever since, after I read this post. Memo: Thank Mom again.
elSti 3 years ago
but is the goal to be a person or to be happy? my mom thought me i don't need a man to be happy.
Load More Replies... Susie Elle 3 years ago
For me it's that I don't always have to be in control and be as level-headed as I can, because losing my patience or getting emotional would mean I'm 'getting hysterical'.
Kimi Tomminello 3 years ago (edited)
Someone needs to get Damon a bubba, a binky n a blankey n put him back to bed.
Ozacoter 3 years ago
For me it is that its ok to like flowers. I love nature and that is fine in my head. But i also love bouquets of flowers and that makes me feel guultt and shallow. Only quite recently i started getting them for myself and now my partner buys them occasionally (like cheap ones not too expensive)
elSti 3 years ago
is that a misogynyst thing to like bouquets? my wife likes them and i have my own favorite flowers. i always thought it would be the other way gender wise.
Load More Replies...
Lyone Fein 3 years ago
TBH, I got somewhat pissed off that a couple of men decided to try to monopolize this whole post. I found this to be quite obnoxious. To me the title of the article and the introductory paragraphs make it pretty clear that it is inviting *women* to discuss this issue/phenomenon. When a man is displaying misogynistic behavior can that even be called internalized? Isn't that just plain misogyny? The phenomenon being discussed here is specific to women, is it not?
elSti 3 years ago
The topic is internalized misogyny but the floor is everyone's to share their thoughts.
Load More Replies...
Jo Choto 3 years ago
Acceptable womanhood has been defined by men for centuries. Feminism has helped us move some way towards moving us away from this, but some of that message has been lost in man-hating rhetoric, both from the female side, and from men trying to negate the forward movement of feminism. I think a really good question to ask yourself, and be honest with yourself about, is: am I doing this because I want to/because it makes me happy, or am I doing this to please a man? Whether it's your appearance, your job performance, what you choose to say or not say, etc.
RandomBeing 3 years ago
I had to undo a a lot of negative associations with my gender I developed growing up as a hyperactive girl and It's definitely been worth it trying actively to undo them.
Lara Verne 3 years ago (edited)
Also, I don't have to wear heels If I don't want to. One woman once told me: "If I want to feel like a woman, I wear high heels. " Well, I feel like a woman regardless of my shoes.
SB 3 years ago
Agree. And wearing heels often damages feet. Heels also slow you down if you need to run anywhere or are being stalked.
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Stefan 3 years ago
Why "empowered" ? Can someone explain me the meaning of this word exactly ?
Lyone Fein 3 years ago
Here, empowered refers to women who already have some level of awareness regarding the patriarchal social programming that we all receive from birth. We are aware of it and we reject it because of the inferior, servile position it places us into in virtually every single society in the world. Instead of accepting this imposed identity, we strive to assert and define ourselves for ourselves.
Load More Replies...
SilverSkyCloud 6 months ago
women wearing revealing clothing were "asking for it" if we heard about a woman getting r*ped my dad would say she deserved it and was probably dressed like a slapper
Just saying 2 years ago
I think there is a lot of gender confusion about what femininity is - it's seems that if a young girl wants to kick about in jeans and t-shirt, short hair, play football, not bother with styling, make-up, clothes, accessories, that she must classify herself as non-binary or demi-girl. I think it's misogynistic, internal or otherwise, to say that a girl can't really be a girl unless you are into 'girlie' things.
GaeFrog 3 years ago
One is that everyone assumes animals in videos or pictures are automatically male, even women! I think It's because people don't try to identify with women so sometimes it seems like they forget we exist
Lucas 3 years ago
Hmm... guess it must be different for me. Grew up on a farm and so tend to look! Though a field of cattle I'd mostly assume would be female (very easy to spot the difference with cows!). Same for a field of sheep. The dogs we had were a mix but the cats were all tom cats so I never heard of the whole cats = female thing that elSti mentions. When I first read it (here on Bored Panda) I thought it was extremely strange. Personal experience makes such a difference.
Load More Replies...
Ozacoter 3 years ago
Yes. Toxic masculinity is internalised sexism from men to themselves and other men. So this is toxic femininity. Sexism harms everybody
Load More Replies... Leo Domitrix 3 years ago
My mother said this to me when I was about ten: "You don't need a man to be a person". And that has shaped my thinking more than I realize ever since, after I read this post. Memo: Thank Mom again.
elSti 3 years ago
but is the goal to be a person or to be happy? my mom thought me i don't need a man to be happy.
Load More Replies... Susie Elle 3 years ago
For me it's that I don't always have to be in control and be as level-headed as I can, because losing my patience or getting emotional would mean I'm 'getting hysterical'.
Kimi Tomminello 3 years ago (edited)
Someone needs to get Damon a bubba, a binky n a blankey n put him back to bed.
Ozacoter 3 years ago
For me it is that its ok to like flowers. I love nature and that is fine in my head. But i also love bouquets of flowers and that makes me feel guultt and shallow. Only quite recently i started getting them for myself and now my partner buys them occasionally (like cheap ones not too expensive)
elSti 3 years ago
is that a misogynyst thing to like bouquets? my wife likes them and i have my own favorite flowers. i always thought it would be the other way gender wise.
Load More Replies... Lyone Fein 3 years ago
TBH, I got somewhat pissed off that a couple of men decided to try to monopolize this whole post. I found this to be quite obnoxious. To me the title of the article and the introductory paragraphs make it pretty clear that it is inviting *women* to discuss this issue/phenomenon. When a man is displaying misogynistic behavior can that even be called internalized? Isn't that just plain misogyny? The phenomenon being discussed here is specific to women, is it not?
elSti 3 years ago
The topic is internalized misogyny but the floor is everyone's to share their thoughts.
Load More Replies... Jo Choto 3 years ago
Acceptable womanhood has been defined by men for centuries. Feminism has helped us move some way towards moving us away from this, but some of that message has been lost in man-hating rhetoric, both from the female side, and from men trying to negate the forward movement of feminism. I think a really good question to ask yourself, and be honest with yourself about, is: am I doing this because I want to/because it makes me happy, or am I doing this to please a man? Whether it's your appearance, your job performance, what you choose to say or not say, etc.
RandomBeing 3 years ago
I had to undo a a lot of negative associations with my gender I developed growing up as a hyperactive girl and It's definitely been worth it trying actively to undo them.
Lara Verne 3 years ago (edited)
Also, I don't have to wear heels If I don't want to. One woman once told me: "If I want to feel like a woman, I wear high heels. " Well, I feel like a woman regardless of my shoes.
SB 3 years ago
Agree. And wearing heels often damages feet. Heels also slow you down if you need to run anywhere or are being stalked.
Load More Replies... Stefan 3 years ago
Why "empowered" ? Can someone explain me the meaning of this word exactly ?
Lyone Fein 3 years ago
Here, empowered refers to women who already have some level of awareness regarding the patriarchal social programming that we all receive from birth. We are aware of it and we reject it because of the inferior, servile position it places us into in virtually every single society in the world. Instead of accepting this imposed identity, we strive to assert and define ourselves for ourselves.
Load More Replies... SilverSkyCloud 6 months ago
women wearing revealing clothing were "asking for it" if we heard about a woman getting r*ped my dad would say she deserved it and was probably dressed like a slapper
Just saying 2 years ago
I think there is a lot of gender confusion about what femininity is - it's seems that if a young girl wants to kick about in jeans and t-shirt, short hair, play football, not bother with styling, make-up, clothes, accessories, that she must classify herself as non-binary or demi-girl. I think it's misogynistic, internal or otherwise, to say that a girl can't really be a girl unless you are into 'girlie' things.
GaeFrog 3 years ago
One is that everyone assumes animals in videos or pictures are automatically male, even women! I think It's because people don't try to identify with women so sometimes it seems like they forget we exist
Lucas 3 years ago
Hmm... guess it must be different for me. Grew up on a farm and so tend to look! Though a field of cattle I'd mostly assume would be female (very easy to spot the difference with cows!). Same for a field of sheep. The dogs we had were a mix but the cats were all tom cats so I never heard of the whole cats = female thing that elSti mentions. When I first read it (here on Bored Panda) I thought it was extremely strange. Personal experience makes such a difference.
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