This has been on my mind for a while now and as tomorrow my baby would have been two I feel the need to finally express this. Many people have no idea what to say when someone has a miscarriage and honestly before I lost my babies I didn’t either but some things have haunted me and still caused me to break down two years later. I noticed many people don’t talk about it and if they did they left out many things because of the fear of what others thought, here is my story as real and raw.

I still remember the day like it was yesterday! I had some cramping, that was nothing new but suddenly I wasn’t well. I vomited and felt really unwell, it wasn’t like normal morning sickness actually felt like I had heat stroke. I went to the bathroom and had very very light brown discharge, so I went to the doctors. I didn’t have any other loss symptoms, no bleeding etc., so I was hopeful and excited to see my baby after the doctor wrote out a referral for an ultrasound.

I miss my baby and the sadness will always be there, I wanted to show my feelings of grief

I dropped off my eldest for a playdate at a friend’s and off I went. As soon as the ultrasound started I knew something wasn’t ok. I knew what a 9-10 week baby should look like and my baby didn’t look like that. The ultrasound tech looked at me worried and got another tech, by this time I was crying. I knew my baby was gone but the words “I am sorry but your baby doesn’t have a heartbeat” still rips through me. I went into a separate room because I couldn’t stop crying, this was just a storage room. I rang my husband to come straight to the hospital, he was over an hour away for work. I was then taken to emergency where I found my baby had passed weeks ago and I was developing an infection and I would need help to pass the baby.

This image was me holding my belly that should have been

I was scheduled for an operation the next day. I knew my baby had passed but I knew he/she was still with me, knowing I was going in to have my baby taken from me was hard. The next few weeks weren’t any easier. I lost my closest friends, they didn’t understand. One even sent me an ultrasound picture of her baby 5 days after I lost my baby because she “didn’t want me to feel excluded”. We were due the same day and she knew I lost my baby. Many people were trying to be comforting but these comments still haunt me: “It happened for a reason” – as much as this is trying to be helpful, please stop! I am the biggest believer in everything happens for a reason but I don’t need to be told this when we are talking about my baby. “At least you have your older child” – I love my child more than anything in the world but I also love my baby I don’t understand why my baby isn’t as important as my other children.

A small time in my belly a lifetime in my heart

“At least you weren’t further along” – this one has definitely been the hardest for me! My baby was 10 weeks, in this time I had already planned a future I was excited about the birth and especially breastfeeding, I love breastfeeding and the bond it creates. I would never create to even hold my baby against my skin. I already loved my baby but was told over and over again, I should be happy I had less time with my baby than others, I shouldn’t grieve like others who lost their babies further along. I didn’t get to hold my baby like others who lost theirs further along, I will NEVER know if my baby was a boy or girl and my baby has no paperwork of ever existing, if I was further along he or she would have a birth and death certificate. How is that in anyway a good thing? No one ever speaks of my baby because an early loss is considered a pregnancy loss not a loss of my baby. I am constantly told my loss isn’t as bad as someone who had lost a baby further along. If someone lost a baby that had been born no one would ever say at least they weren’t older and I still cannot fathom why anyone would believe having less time with your baby is a good thing? A person is a person, no matter how small – Dr. Seuss.

I wanted to show the feeling of grief, how lonely it can be

So what do you say? Just say I am sorry for your loss and truly be there for them! One thing I have learnt is losing a baby is one of the hardest things to ever go through! I felt like no one knew how I was feeling and I am not the best with words. As a photographer I decided to express my feelings through images. One thing I found hard is knowing I would never have photos of my baby, so now I have used my photography to help others too. If you are reading this because you have recently lost your baby, I am here for you! There are so many of us who have been there before, we are a sisterhood that nobody wants to belong to but that is one hell of a tribe that is always there for one another! Find a support group and be kind and gentle to yourself.

My angel baby poem

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