Gifts can be a hit or miss, as far as we know. Whether it’s a book, a piece of clothing or a gag gift, there’s always a possibility that the recipient might not be as thrilled about it as you had hoped.

And this is exactly what happened when u/Throwaway920390 received a rather puzzling gift from her breadwinning husband, who appears to have a wicked sense of humor. “He told me it would be hilarious if I wore it and I should lighten up. I gave it a nervous laugh and told him I thought it was funny too,” she writes in her recent “Am I The [Jerk]” post. Of course, she didn’t get the joke and that’s when things got a bit heated, requiring assistance from the gleefully judgy AITA community.

This stay-at-home wife shared how she and her husband got into an argument over his unexpected gift

Image credits: westend61 (not the actual photo)

The husband lashed out at her for not getting the joke which she thought was rather humiliating

Image credits: avidpradoperucha (not the actual photo)

Image credits: Iakobchuk (not the actual photo)

Image source: Throwaway920390

Turns out, there’s more science to gifting than we might have thought

It’s been said that “a good gift is one that is more valuable for the recipient than it is for the giver.” According to one fascinating piece of research, giving a giver-centric gift “may not only be somewhat easier but it may also carry its own positive relationship consequences and increase feelings of closeness.” Of course, gifting a beef jerky-making kit to someone who’s not that into jerky will most definitely be a misfire. The same rule applies to borderline-humiliating gag gifts – especially if you want your significant other to catwalk wearing it in front of your football buddies.

One study has revealed that 31% of individuals unabashedly cling to unwanted gifts, refusing to toss them into the trash the moment the giver turns away. While 1-in-3 people engage in the clandestine art of re-gifting these underwhelming ‘treasures’ – something that half of Americans shamelessly admit to doing.

There is, however, a reason why some gifts work better than others. As the economist Joel Waldfogel explained to The Atlantic, the uselessness of a gift can be attributed to a discrepancy between the perceived desirability and practicality of a product or service. Let’s say “your friend bought you a fancy wearable fitness tracker [and] probably thought it was a really cool and helpful gift,” Waldfogel explained. “To you, it seems like a massive headache to figure out, requires an app download and a monthly fee, and offers data that will either make you feel terrible about yourself or turn into a life-ruining obsession.” Most likely, it’s collecting dust at the farthest corner of your drawer if it’s not already sold on eBay.

There isn’t a single one-fits-all formula that would guarantee a flawless gift

Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)

Things get even more complicated when it comes to clothing – particularly one that can make guys hot under their collar. “You can’t just buy the first strappy, see-through thing that makes you horny,” Inside Hook’s sex and relationship editor remarked. Of course, she has a reason for this: almost 1-in-3 women in Britain admitted that the lingerie gifts their husbands picked out, however flattering and spicy, left them “embarrassed and disappointed.”

Finally, there are those who like to splash on luxurious gifts hoping to be rewarded with a reaction. However, this appears to be a double-edged sword. According to one 2019 survey from CompareCards, 46% of respondents felt guilty for being unable to give a gift worth as much as the one they received. And while there’s no one-fits-all formula to make sure your gift doesn’t backfire, after today, we know a gift idea that we can definitely steer away from.

However, it doesn’t help that people often think about their preferences when buying gifts

Image credits: Harold Wijnholds (not the actual photo)

While many of us believe that we prioritize the wants and needs of the gift recipient, researchers actually discovered that the process is not as straightforward as we might think. In most cases, it says more about the gift-giver than the one receiving it. And that’s where the problem stems from.

According to Deborah Carr, a Professor of Sociology at Boston University, people generally derive satisfaction from giving gifts, but they often struggle to consider the preferences of others beyond their own perspective. “They realize if they love something so dearly, they cannot conceive that other people might not appreciate it equally,” she told Bored Panda during a Zoom call.

While gifts are an expression of our feelings toward the recipients, turns out, they also convey how we feel about ourselves. “If you have a romantic partner that you think is the greatest person in the world, you cannot fathom the idea that your parents might not like them,” Carr argued. The same principle, then, applies to gift-giving, too.

“We have a very difficult time being objective about those things that we’re passionate about, right? If the gift giver loves a particular scarf or thinks that a particular piece of jewelry or liquor is wonderful, it’s very hard for them cognitively to envision that another person might not share that passion,” Carr explained.

There’s nothing wrong with being straightforward and saying what you expect for a gift

Image credits: John Schnobrich (not the actual photo)

One potential solution to address this issue is to openly communicate and express your preferences for a gift, even if it means sacrificing the element of surprise. “For some of us who are very practical people, we have no problem asking ‘what do you want’. And in fact, some practical recipients will tell people, ‘These are the things that I want for my birthday. Please do not buy me anything else’,” Carr said that this practice varies in popularity across different cultures.

Certainly, the act of gift-giving is intricately intertwined with the nature of relationships. A correspondent from the Michigan Daily humorously reflected on his own tragicomical experience: “At the time, it seemed like a brilliant idea. I genuinely believed it would be a nice addition, a small convenience to accompany the fact that my visit to see her was, in my eyes, a gift in itself. Unfortunately, she did not perceive it in the same light.” (Note to myself: unless you want to goof on your partner, a garlic press is not a great idea for an anniversary gift.)

This anecdote, then, underscores the importance of considering the recipient when selecting a gift. Deborah Carr emphasizes the significance of understanding the individual who will receive the gift. “If the recipient is someone with whom you have a distant connection or a purely professional relationship, any thoughtful gesture can be appreciated. However, when it comes to immediate family members, close friends, and especially romantic partners – the emotional stakes are much higher.”

People unanimously decided that the husband’s gift was a total miss

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