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Man Gives An Ultimatum To Divorce Or Get An Egg Donor So Kid Will Have His Features, Wife Hurt
Interview With Expert
A child is a beautiful creation born from the union of two people. They are a reflection of their parents’ genes, races, and cultures coming together. This is even more recognizable when it comes to mixed-race children who often have very strong characteristics from their mom or dad.
Unfortunately, not everyone feels joyful about having a mixed child, like the dad in this story, who did not like that his daughter looked more like his Asian wife and didn’t have his Nordic features. His solution to that ended up being quite extreme.
More info: Reddit
When your own partner makes racially charged comments, it can be a heartbreaking thing to handle
Image credits: shisuka / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The woman shared that she is a South Asian woman living in Northern Europe with her white husband and one child
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
Two years after their child was born, her husband said that he didn’t feel any connection to the girl because she didn’t look like him and had more Asian features
Image credits: Derek Owens / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
What shocked the woman the most was when her husband asked her if he could use an egg donor in order to conceive a child that had blond hair and blue eyes like him
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
Her husband felt so strongly about having a child who looked like him that he gave her an ultimatum of accepting his decision or getting a divorce
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
Even though the couple tried therapy, they didn’t seem to be reaching a compromise, and the woman realized that other family members also thought of her child as an “immigrant”
Image credits: BlueSugar116
The woman found her husband’s demands to be “shallow, superficial, and racist,” and she also felt hurt that the one person who was supposed to accept her had acted in this way
Every parent would love to see a part of themselves reflected in their kid. It is not unheard of for people to want their child to look like them, but creating a fuss over the kid’s race is going too far. The man had obviously been harboring these feelings for a long time before he told his wife he’d want to use an egg donor.
To get an expert’s opinion on this situation, Bored Panda contacted Dr. Aimee Eyvazzadeh. She is a fertility specialist and the star of ‘The Egg Whisperer Show’ podcast, which covers complex topics like egg freezing, IVF, and fertility. Dr. Aimee focuses on finding the sweet spot where science and patient care meet while also empowering people to understand their fertility better.
We asked Dr. Aimee if she had ever encountered parents who wanted their child to have very specific traits or features. She said: “Yes, it’s one of the first things they ask. It isn’t considered a trait in the typical sense like curly hair or blue eyes, but the one thing that they specifically ask is, can I detect autism risk in an embryo?”
“There are a couple of companies that have technology that actually may be able to do so. Most genetic testing companies cannot. The traits that people are looking for when they work with companies that can look for certain traits are very personal due to a desire to not pass on a certain trait because of the harmful nature that trait has been for a certain family member,” she explained.
Obviously, his child’s ethnic features weren’t harmful or a matter of concern at all. It’s obvious the man had been influenced by the way his family viewed his daughter. This kind of thinking is, unfortunately, more common than you’d expect. Research has found that 21% of biracial adults have been treated badly by a relative because of their race.
It was heartbreaking for the poster to learn that her own husband felt that way about their child. She did not know how to grapple with the issue, and even counseling did not seem to help resolve the situation since he was so firm about his plan.
Image credits: Timur Weber / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Apart from the child’s race, the man also wanted his next kid to have a personality similar to his own. Since he was quiet, nature-loving, and analytical, he hoped that their next kid would have all of those characteristics as well. We asked Dr. Aimee if it was possible to choose a specific personality type for the potential IVF offspring.
She told us that “the commonly used PGT companies that people use cannot choose a specific personality or features, but [some of] it is possible with current technology that certain companies offer. The features I’m referring to are height and IQ, for example. There are companies that offer this type of testing.”
The OP felt insulted by her husband’s idea because he was the one person who was supposed to accept her and their child. That’s why fertility counselors state that you can’t just force your partner to get on board with such a big decision. It’s important to speak to a therapist, do your research, and come to a solution together because it’s such a life-changing experience.
Dr. Aimee also told us that “similar to couples who choose to start a family outside of the fertility clinic, IVF patients aren’t treated differently. They don’t go through counseling in the traditional sense, and it isn’t required or mandatory. I discuss how important it is to have a healthy relationship with yourself and your partner before you start IVF.”
When we asked in what types of situations people may consider using donor eggs, Dr. Aimee said that she calls it “creative family building.” She explained that “women who age out of IVF or those who run out of healthy eggs at any age, may still choose to grow their family through egg donation.”
“LGBTQ female couples or single moms by choice may choose sp**m donation. Women who have a uterus that doesn’t work or has been removed, single men, or LGBTQ male couples may choose to use a gestational carrier to grow their family,” she added.
It’s an odd thing for a man to request using an egg donor just so that his Nordic features and genes can be passed on to their next kid. Clearly, he does not seem to care about his wife’s feelings or love his daughter exactly the way she is. This might just be too much red-flag behavior for one marriage.
What do you think the woman should do about this complicated situation?
Folks were mortified by the husband’s demand and told the woman she deserved so much better than him
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What do you think ?
Panda-sized Potato 6 days ago
Glad she's dumping that racist PoS. He got a taste of forbidden fruit, but now wants to go back to his "master race." She needs to take that child and get far away from his bigoted friends and family. The child is not the source of his negative feelings, but his white nationalist hate is.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 6 days ago
This feels like a sideways recap of my life. I'm adopted. My adoptive mom is Mexican (black hair, brown eyes) and my adoptive dad was Swedish (white-blond hair, ice blue eyes.) They had one bio child: brown hair, brown eyes. My mom apparently wanted a "white, blond-haired, blue-eyed child" and knew she'd never get one biologically. She wanted to adopt anyway so my sister wouldn't be an only child. I found out years later that I was chosen to be adopted ONLY because I am blond and blue-eyed. My dad was AMAZING and treated me 100% like his daughter, but my mother has always been horribly abusive towards me (even physically.) Multiple family members/friends told me (separately) that I was chosen because my mom is a narcissist who wanted to "show off" a blonde/blue-eyed child and she wanted a "white child". But I wasn't the perfect "girly" girl she wanted, so her attitude on me soured fast. Ironically my mom tries to pass as "white" herself (bleaches her hair blond, skin lightening, etc.)
Janelle Collard 6 days ago
I'm so sorry you went through this. Some people should never have kids. :(
Load More Replies... Panda-sized Potato 6 days ago
Glad she's dumping that racist PoS. He got a taste of forbidden fruit, but now wants to go back to his "master race." She needs to take that child and get far away from his bigoted friends and family. The child is not the source of his negative feelings, but his white nationalist hate is.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 6 days ago
This feels like a sideways recap of my life. I'm adopted. My adoptive mom is Mexican (black hair, brown eyes) and my adoptive dad was Swedish (white-blond hair, ice blue eyes.) They had one bio child: brown hair, brown eyes. My mom apparently wanted a "white, blond-haired, blue-eyed child" and knew she'd never get one biologically. She wanted to adopt anyway so my sister wouldn't be an only child. I found out years later that I was chosen to be adopted ONLY because I am blond and blue-eyed. My dad was AMAZING and treated me 100% like his daughter, but my mother has always been horribly abusive towards me (even physically.) Multiple family members/friends told me (separately) that I was chosen because my mom is a narcissist who wanted to "show off" a blonde/blue-eyed child and she wanted a "white child". But I wasn't the perfect "girly" girl she wanted, so her attitude on me soured fast. Ironically my mom tries to pass as "white" herself (bleaches her hair blond, skin lightening, etc.)
Janelle Collard 6 days ago
I'm so sorry you went through this. Some people should never have kids. :(
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