There are 12 siblings and they ALL flat out refuse to put him in a home. Me thinks those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. You cannot refuse to take care of him and at the same time refuse to entertain the idea of a group home. Everyone is an AH except Sam and the SIL.

Janelle Collard

Janelle Collard

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Notice how they sprang this on OP now that she + hubs are safely *married*? Wanna bet there were zero conversations about taking Sam in before the wedding? People that need 24/7 care need to be in a facility that can provide that. Bet if hubby had to care for Sam around the clock, his actual paid work would suffer. Also betting the in-laws figured OP could "take a turn" caring for Sam. I agree with the all the "get a divorce" comments.

Simplest solution, put him a group home where he will have staff to watch and care, and visit him regularly to keep him from getting depressed. Many families do this

This person is utterly heartless trying to guilt trip her sister-in-law to continue caring for Sam's twin brother. I don't care whether Sam decided to let his brother move in, or not. You don't turn round to a person who has spent years and years caring for other people and tell them they are being 'cold'.

Sorry but you are right and wrong in this situation. Right for not wanting to have the brother in the house and being upset about this not being disclosed to you before you were married. Here's where you goofed hon, guilt trip on the SIL to stay and keep the brother. She was parentified her whole life and on top of that had her own kids. Her job is done. Now the rest of the family is also at fault for not even considering the option of putting the brother in a home. They are not willing to take him in themselves. They know that they are not going to live forever either and he needs 24/7 care and you don't want to care for him. Your husband was sneaky and didn't mention the possibility of this happening either. So he's guilty as well. So either he goes to a home to get proper care from capable professionals because your husband is not going to be home 24/7 and you know that you can't handle caring for this guy or there's going to be a divorce in your future. Sorry but realistically that's the only choices there are. His family is going to be responsible for breaking up your marriage most likely. Better start looking for a divorce lawyer my friend.

Either put him in a home, or get a divorce since she's not going to take care of him anymore. Hubby broke his promise, if he can't keep it, the marriage is over. She has the right to the life that was agreed upon. Let her have that life with a husband who keeps his promises. I hate to say it, but anybody could have seen this coming.

NTA. And she only retaliated against SIL after she tried to guilt trip her and her husband. If this was discussed prior to marriage then absolutely not. You don't get to change up on something this huge after the fact. I am a foster parent by choice hoping to adopt, and it's a huge responsibility, but if my wife just up and unilaterally decided to do this without my consent, then we would be divorcing. Period.

They have only been married for a short time, and should probably just end it now. I don't see this going well, in any other scenario. She, doesn't want the responsibility of his brother, no matter what. He is from a large family, and that's his TWIN. It sounds like he's close with his siblings, like many people from big families are. If they stay together, either decision they make, one spouse is going to end up resenting the other. If the husband works from home, and has a flexible schedule, he should take his brother in, on his own. There are lots of day programs, for people with autism. He could get his work done, and his brother would have something interesting to do. Any woman he met in the future, would know the situation, and would have to be on board, to stick around. OP, can go find a man with similar values to her own, and be happy herself.

The husband is being very unrealistic if he thinks he can keep his job going and look after his brother. He’s asking his wife to make permanent changes to her life and is acting all aggrieved because she’s not happy with it. Sam needs to stop being passed around and given a home where he’s safe and happy and OP needs to reconsider her marriage.

NTA. Having a doppelganger of your husband who is highly neurodivergent moving into the home is ASKING for serious problems FOR ALL PARTIES.

NTA for refusing to have her BIL move in - A dependant person with ASD is a big committment which would utterly change their life, and this is a two-yes-one-no type issue. It could break up their relationship whichever way it goes. YTA for the way she emotionally blackmailed the sister. This woman also has the right to say she needs to not be her brother's carer. It really sounds like they should be looking at a group home or assisted-living situation for the brother.

I don't think this is a situation that lends itself to a question of who is and isn't an a*****e. I mean, OP is a d**k for guilt-tripping the sister, but other than that, this is just a situation that has to be handled. The standard she offers (and commenters offer) is bonkers. Two people cannot possibly sit down and walk through every possible situation before marriage. "Situation 94: My dad dies and my mom gets hit by lightning. Are you willing to spend a month helping her recover? Ok, situation 95..." OP just doesn't want to do it, and feels the need for some kind of justification, but there really isn't any, beyond, "I don't want to." That's not a great reason for rejecting a family member in need, but it is an understandable thing. But lying about the reason ("You never told me!") shifts the conversation, making it sound like the husband is at fault somehow. That's dishonest.