When couples marry, the bond they create includes way more people than just the two of them. For better or worse, the in-laws they “acquire” also enter the picture.

Recently, Reddit user u/sdgkoufcnkk took his wife and kids to a family gathering. A big one. The kind where every niece, cousin, and uncle show up to hug out the last year or however long it has been since they last saw each other.

The whole gang was having a good time too, so when u/sdgkoufcnkk’s partner decided that it was time to leave, her mother-in-law tried to change her mind.

But whether the woman was in a bad mood or simply had one too many drinks, she snapped and the situation escalated from zero to a family disaster in a heartbeat.

Image credits: Alex Green (not the actual photo)

Image credits: sdgkoufcnkk

In the woman’s defense, however, we do not know what’s the history between her and her husband’s mother. And according to research, chances are, it’s not very pretty.

A study from the University of Cambridge Center for Family Research and an organization called the Stand Alone Institute discovered that rifts between parents and their son’s wife are among the most common reasons for family estrangement.

The study was based on the responses of more than 800 men and women in England who had little or no contact with their families. It found that divisions between parents and sons lasted a third longer than those between parents and daughters. The issues most commonly listed as “very relevant” in the breakdown of relationships with daughters included mental health problems and emotional abuse. But the issues most closely associated with sons included divorce, in-laws, and marriage.

According to Dr. Terri Apter, who is a psychologist, former Senior Tutor at Newnham College, Cambridge, and author of What Do You Want From Me?: Learning to Get Along with In-Laws, the most common in-law tensions actually arise between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. “Closeness, respect, and influence in the family are particularly important to women,” Dr. Apter told Bored Panda. “For all the change that’s been, women still feel that part of their personal worth is linked to their roles in the family, whether that’s day-to-day care, or long-term nurturing. Since in-law visits often take place in the home, where kinship, status, and respect are expressed – and tested! – there can be competition.”

Sometimes this competition might start because the mother-in-law feels threatened. “This new woman, now closest kin to her son, may displace her. We get into the mindset: ‘I have to prove to her that I have more status/respect/love because I need to reassure myself that I’m still an important part of this changing family.’ The wife, on the other hand, wants reassurance that she has a proper say in the family she and her husband form. She does not want to be undermined, so her mother-in-law’s effort to protect her status may threaten her. That’s why when each assures the other that she is valued and included, the tension is likely to ease,” Dr. Apter explained.

Of course, there might be other reasons why in-law relationships get tense. For example, one spouse might start protecting the other from a painful relationship with a parent. “A husband may know that his wife feels that her mother criticizes or demeans her. His loving protection then becomes an in-law tension.”

However, when extended family members get along, it has positive effects for everyone. “There are huge benefits in good in-law relationships – a sense of belonging, personal support, family continuity, easier relationships between the couple’s children and their grandparents,” Dr. Apter said. “Sometimes these can be maintained even when there are tensions. After all, healthy relationships do not need to be stress-free. But very poor relationships with in-laws sometimes spill into the marriage, so a wife feels her husband is not standing up for her and her needs, or a son worries that his wife is undermining his loyalty to his parents, and everyone is just less happy than they might otherwise be.”

We also tried to get in touch with u/sdgkoufcnkk to find out about the aftermath of the conflict but he hasn’t responded yet. If he does, we’ll keep you posted!

People think it was the wife who’s being unreasonable

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