Get Premium
Dark mode theme is available exclusively for premium users. Learn more about the benefits of subscribing.
No fees, cancel anytime.
Dark Mode 
No fees, cancel anytime 
Christmas-Obsessed In-Laws Expect First Responder To Skip Job And Follow Their Rigid Traditions
Interview With Expert
Christmas is a fun time to meet family and enjoy all of the traditions that make it so special. Usually, folks get time off from work so that they can relax, unwind, and spend time with their loved ones. Unfortunately, that’s not the case for everyone, especially first responders.
Emergency service workers are expected to be available at any time to do their job, meaning they might struggle to make it to holiday events. This is what a 911 worker faced at Christmas time, but her in-laws couldn’t seem to understand.
More info: Reddit
RELATED:
Celebrating holiday traditions can be a wonderful experience, but if people have to force others to take part, it can soon turn into an annoyance
Image credits: Mikhail Nilov / Pexels (not the actual photo)
The woman mentioned that she’s a 911 operator who has rotating shifts and knows exactly when she has to work, which is why she knew she’d be occupied on Christmas day
Image credits: cottonbro studio / Pexels (not the actual photo)
The poster’s family understood her work requirements and were okay celebrating the holiday season with her later, but her Christmas-obsessed in-laws didn’t want to do that
Image credits: Kaboompics.com / Pexels (not the actual photo)
The woman’s husband also tried guilt-tripping her into attending his family’s Christmas party by saying, “we don’t know how much time we have left with my parents”
Image credits: Nat90
The poster felt that she was letting her in-laws down by missing out on their Christmas traditions for the sake of work, but she also felt like she had no other option
It’s obvious that the woman had a very grueling job to deal with and that, as a first responder, she knew how important her role actually was. Since she had been doing the work for three years, her family understood her obligations, but her in-laws didn’t seem to respect her work at all.
The holiday season also puts a lot of pressure on emergency workers. Research shows that accidents often occur at higher rates during festivities. That’s why first responders need to be present even if other people might be in a celebratory mood. It can be incredibly stressful for them to have to deal with and navigate all of this.
The woman’s husband also did not understand her point of view. Even though he knew the nature of her work and had attended a few family events alone, this time, it seemed to be different for him. He kept insisting on the OP making time for his family and driving almost 1.5 hours away to carry out their Christmas traditions.
The man’s reaction does make sense to an extent because he constantly has to deal with questions from his family about his wife’s absence. According to Mind The Frontline, “in addition to the emotional toll, the unpredictable nature of their partner’s job can also disrupt family routines and put strain on the relationship,” which is exactly what seemed to be happening in this story.
To understand what to do in such situations and how to communicate better with one’s in-laws, Bored Panda reached out to Dan O’Connor. He is a YouTube creator, keynote speaker, and renowned communication coach with over 20 years of experience helping individuals transform challenges into opportunities for growth.
An important thing Dan mentioned is: “your spouse is your teammate in navigating the in-law relationship. To foster collaboration instead of defensiveness, share your feelings constructively. Use this verbal pattern: ‘When [specific action happens], I feel [specific emotion] because [reason].’”
Image credits: cottonbro studio / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Instead of honestly telling his wife how he felt, the man sent her passive-aggressive messages and guilt-tripped her. This also made the OP feel bad and worried about whether she was letting her in-laws down.
Dan told us that it’s important to “keep the focus on your feelings, not blame. Then, invite your spouse to problem-solve with you. After speaking with your spouse, it’s your responsibility, not theirs, to approach your in-laws. Lead with vulnerability to create a space for understanding.”
The problem with this situation is that the woman’s husband didn’t want to openly communicate with her about how he felt. The OP also said that she felt her partner was more concerned about the situation as his dad, battling with dementia, had asked about her coming over. In such a case, the poster needs to take the lead and sit her husband down for an open, honest, and vulnerable discussion.
Dan O’Connor mentioned that “vulnerability disarms defensiveness and sets the stage for boundaries. Then, invite collaboration, leading with their needs. Instead of focusing on what’s wrong, reframe the situation and ask yourself: ‘What unmet need might they be expressing, and how can I address it in a way that also supports me?’”
“How you treat them is about you. If you want growth from others, then you grow. If you want understanding from others, then you understand. There is no way around this. It’s the law. Communicate in an honest, up-front manner that reflects the love you desire and the person you are,” Dan shared.
Spending time with one’s family during the holidays is supposed to be a joyful experience. Things can turn sour if people are met with a lot of expectations and are forced to show up even if they don’t have the capacity to do so. Unfortunately for the OP, this is exactly what she was faced with. Hopefully, she later had an honest talk with her husband and they found an easy compromise.
What would you do if you were in her shoes? Let us know in the comments.
Many first responders shared supportive messages for the woman and urged her not to feel guilty for doing her job
Poll Question
Thanks! Check out the results:
Newsletter
Subscribe to Access
Exclusive Polls
By entering your email and clicking Subscribe, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. You are also agreeing to our Privacy Policy.
Thank you! You've successfully subscribed to newsletters!
What do you think ?
TribbleThinking 15 hours ago (edited)
I agree with the IQ check. What part of her job is he not grasping? Or, which I suspect is the real reason, he's just a man child who is *refusing* to understand, and she should think very carefully about the repercussions of having children with an adult who indulges in such behaviour.
Tabitha 12 hours ago (edited)
I have always said if you want to be married to a 9 to 5/M to F type, then marry a 9 to 5/M to F type. Do NOT marry a doctor, nurse, cop, firefighter, EMT, soldier, or anyone who doesn’t work 9 to 5 from Monday to Friday, with every evening and weekend off, or you are not going to have a happy and predictable life. They are not going to be able to attend every holiday, birthday party, school play, ball game, office party, etc, etc, etc, unless you are very aware of the scheduling issues—-and no war, disaster, pandemic, or other unexpected emergency arises. You need to stay aware of their career if you decide to marry them, and. stop yourself from reproaching them and making them feel guilty for something they cannot control. The other thing you need to keep front and center in your mind is that most people doing that kind of work, especially those who choose it as their career, are not just doing a job, they’re following their calling. The vast majority of them are doing it because they’re driven to help people; keep them safe, rescue them from crises, save their lives. That’s a way higher calling than always being your plus one at your company’s Christmas Party or Company Picnic. If that’s not something you’re able to handle, do not even date someone in that kind of job. It’s not fair to you, and it’s doubly not fair for you to then continually try to guilt trip them into going against their calling and doing something else they’ll probably hate for a living, for no other reason than the hours are more to your taste. That’s not love and respect for your partner’s calling in life.
Load More Replies... vglw 10 hours ago
When our youngest was in the Army, he couldn't get leave until February one year, so we kept the Christmas decorations up and celebrated in February when he could be home. His older brother even changed his vacation time so he would be there when his younger brother was home. Family time is great, but doesn't have to be a particular date - it is the family time that counts.
Nils Skirnir 2 hours ago
Heck I spent 2 Xmas in VN and one on old German/Czech border.
Load More Replies... Woodsie 13 hours ago (edited)
My husband is in emergency services, one of the reasons I was attracted to him in the first place, him doing a job that helped people appealed to me. The shifts meant he had one free weekend out of every 8 due to overlapping shifts. Never once did my family ask if he was available if planning a lunch for anyone in the family, everyone else worked 9 to 5, M-F jobs. They would always discuss dates amongst themselves first then we'd get an invite " if we can make it". Used to annoy me hugely until I went LC with them. What was worse was that I would get chastised for not being involved in the family enough, I didn't want to go to events by myself when we've been married for 3 decades. I would try to get in first with suggested dates but was then told I was "scheduling " them. No win for me and they had no concept of shift work.
TribbleThinking 15 hours ago (edited)
I agree with the IQ check. What part of her job is he not grasping? Or, which I suspect is the real reason, he's just a man child who is *refusing* to understand, and she should think very carefully about the repercussions of having children with an adult who indulges in such behaviour.
Tabitha 12 hours ago (edited)
I have always said if you want to be married to a 9 to 5/M to F type, then marry a 9 to 5/M to F type. Do NOT marry a doctor, nurse, cop, firefighter, EMT, soldier, or anyone who doesn’t work 9 to 5 from Monday to Friday, with every evening and weekend off, or you are not going to have a happy and predictable life. They are not going to be able to attend every holiday, birthday party, school play, ball game, office party, etc, etc, etc, unless you are very aware of the scheduling issues—-and no war, disaster, pandemic, or other unexpected emergency arises. You need to stay aware of their career if you decide to marry them, and. stop yourself from reproaching them and making them feel guilty for something they cannot control. The other thing you need to keep front and center in your mind is that most people doing that kind of work, especially those who choose it as their career, are not just doing a job, they’re following their calling. The vast majority of them are doing it because they’re driven to help people; keep them safe, rescue them from crises, save their lives. That’s a way higher calling than always being your plus one at your company’s Christmas Party or Company Picnic. If that’s not something you’re able to handle, do not even date someone in that kind of job. It’s not fair to you, and it’s doubly not fair for you to then continually try to guilt trip them into going against their calling and doing something else they’ll probably hate for a living, for no other reason than the hours are more to your taste. That’s not love and respect for your partner’s calling in life.
Load More Replies... vglw 10 hours ago
When our youngest was in the Army, he couldn't get leave until February one year, so we kept the Christmas decorations up and celebrated in February when he could be home. His older brother even changed his vacation time so he would be there when his younger brother was home. Family time is great, but doesn't have to be a particular date - it is the family time that counts.
Nils Skirnir 2 hours ago
Heck I spent 2 Xmas in VN and one on old German/Czech border.
Load More Replies... Woodsie 13 hours ago (edited)
My husband is in emergency services, one of the reasons I was attracted to him in the first place, him doing a job that helped people appealed to me. The shifts meant he had one free weekend out of every 8 due to overlapping shifts. Never once did my family ask if he was available if planning a lunch for anyone in the family, everyone else worked 9 to 5, M-F jobs. They would always discuss dates amongst themselves first then we'd get an invite " if we can make it". Used to annoy me hugely until I went LC with them. What was worse was that I would get chastised for not being involved in the family enough, I didn't want to go to events by myself when we've been married for 3 decades. I would try to get in first with suggested dates but was then told I was "scheduling " them. No win for me and they had no concept of shift work.
You May Like “AITA For Asking My Husband To Prioritize Our Family Tradition Over His New Friendship?” Guy Seeks Advice Online: “My Family Invited My Ex To Thanksgiving And Christmas” Wife Finds Husband's Christmas Gift, Feels Let Down: "Yet Again I’ve Got A Useless Present"
Mindaugas Balčiauskas
Rugilė Žemaitytė
Ieva Pečiulytė
Related on Bored Panda
44
12