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Husband Thinks Wife Is Exaggerating Her ‘Mental Load’: “Seriously Annoyed”
You can feel exhausted even without exerting yourself physically. The mental weight you’re carrying can be just as heavy, if not more.
However, a dad who is known on the parenting forum Mumsnet as Whatnow123 doubts the extent to which this is true for his wife.
In his candid post, the man shared his experience of taking on the majority of their household responsibilities and how he was starting to think that a lot of the “mental load” that his spouse talks about could be self-imposed.
RELATED:
After this man’s wife took a lucrative job offer, he picked up the majority of their chores
Image credits: ninelutsk / Envato (not the actual photo)
And started to question what the big deal was
Image credits: thelivephotos / Envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: whatnow123
Mental load impacts everything from our productivity to our relationships
“Mental load” (sometimes also called “worry work” or “cognitive labor”) is not about the physical tasks but rather the overseeing of those tasks. It’s about being the one in charge of the never-ending list of to-do items constantly running in your head, remembering what needs to get done and when, delegating all the tasks to other family members, and making sure they actually follow through.
A study published in the American Sociological Review, for example, describes it as the responsibility of “anticipating needs, identifying options for filling them, making decisions, and monitoring progress.”
According to Lucia Ciciolla, Ph.D., a psychologist at Oklahoma State University who has researched the impacts of invisible labor on mothers, in addition to sapping time and energy, it is also often taken for granted.
“I think it has become a topic of discussion in recent years in part because men are contributing more to the care of children and the household, and even though women may be physically doing fewer loads of laundry, women are realizing that they continue to hold the responsibility for making sure it gets done—that the detergent doesn’t run out, that all of the dirty clothes make it into the wash, that there are always clean towels available, and that the kids have clean socks,” Ciciolla explains. “Women are recognizing that they still hold the mental burden of the household even if others share in the physical work, and that mental burden takes a toll.”
However, people do handle stress differently
Image credits: yanalya / Freepik (not the actual photo)
Elizabeth Scott, PhD, has over two decades of experience educating and working with others on issues related to stress, emotional well-being, health, relationships, and overall life satisfaction. She is the author of 8 Keys to Stress Management and says that any situation is basically neutral until you interpret it. Because of that, stress is a highly subjective experience.
“Some people are naturally more sensitive and reactive to stress,” she writes. “Differences in temperament and a collection of inborn personality traits can cause some people to be naturally more resilient in the face of stress while others can feel more threatened and less able to cope.”
Scott acknowledges that accepting another perspective can be tough. But it’s not like we can’t do anything about it.
“While we can’t change the temperament we were born with, we can become more aware of our predispositions and work around them by building up skills that may compensate for certain sensitivities, or structure our lifestyles to minimize the impact of triggers.”
The reactions to the story were split, with some people disagreeing with the man
And some supporting his claims
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What do you think ?
Susie Elle 1 month ago (edited)
The mental load is definitely partly self inflicted. HOWEVER, I don't know about you guys, but a lot of MY mental load comes from automatically becoming the person in charge or responsible for A, B and C. If the dishes aren't done, I will be the one to get comments or remarks from parents or friends or whomever. If there's no laundry done, I get the notification. If there's nothing in the house to eat, I get the news. Everything is directed towards me, and I've spoken to a fair share of friends who experience the same. My ex's mom would tell ME I need to clean the kitchen better, while it was HER SON who made an absolute pigsty of everything. My dad tells ME that he doesn't think my boyfriend's hairstyle suits him. The list goes on. I don't understand why. These days I either reply "well what do you want me to do about it?" or directly relay it to my partner. Obviously I do my share in the household, but I'm also petty as f**k and I WILL let everyone know who's mess it is we're standing in. (don't worry, still love him very much, he's just a slob sometimes ;) )
zovjraar me 1 month ago
heheh my dude is also a slob and i love him. he'll clean up if i tell him, which i know will drive a lot people on here crazy (that i have to tell him), but he also does s**t like bring home something that he knows i'd like, or tells me about a game or show that isn't to his taste, but he thinks i'd like it. he put up with me when i wasn't on meds (y'all i was batshit crazy before meds). i know he loves me, he just doesn't show it by cleaning. he shows it in other ways. and once in a while, i'll come home to a completely clean house, unasked, and not for a special occasion- just out of the blue! if i have to ask him to take out the trash or feed the cats sometimes, that's ok. it's worth it to me.
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v 1 month ago
Meh. Too little information as to the reality under her tenure and his tenure as the house parent yet people on the OP are crucifying him simply because he's a guy who dared to say part of his wife's stress could be self inflicted. Likely the comments here on BP will be more of the same.
Sue User 1 month ago
Hey, i agree. Maybe she is a perfectionist. Maybe he is a slob. But after years of " i must sweep the kitchen every night, wash all dishes before going to bed, etc" I am giving myself some grace.
Load More Replies...
Agat 1 month ago
In my opinion the mental load often comes from people requiring everything to be perfect in their eyes. It's not enough if your partner did a chore - they must do it a certain way, otherwise you have to "fix it", i.e. do it your way for the second time. In many cases there's no real difference and it's borderline OCD. I have a big problem with this because accusing someone of not pulling their weight when the chores are done is unfair and very hurtful.
Sue User 1 month ago
I struggled with this because when my husband folded clothes, he eould fold them like they do in the store, whereas i fold then in fours. His way looked nicer but didnt fit in the drawers.
Load More Replies...
Susie Elle 1 month ago (edited)
The mental load is definitely partly self inflicted. HOWEVER, I don't know about you guys, but a lot of MY mental load comes from automatically becoming the person in charge or responsible for A, B and C. If the dishes aren't done, I will be the one to get comments or remarks from parents or friends or whomever. If there's no laundry done, I get the notification. If there's nothing in the house to eat, I get the news. Everything is directed towards me, and I've spoken to a fair share of friends who experience the same. My ex's mom would tell ME I need to clean the kitchen better, while it was HER SON who made an absolute pigsty of everything. My dad tells ME that he doesn't think my boyfriend's hairstyle suits him. The list goes on. I don't understand why. These days I either reply "well what do you want me to do about it?" or directly relay it to my partner. Obviously I do my share in the household, but I'm also petty as f**k and I WILL let everyone know who's mess it is we're standing in. (don't worry, still love him very much, he's just a slob sometimes ;) )
zovjraar me 1 month ago
heheh my dude is also a slob and i love him. he'll clean up if i tell him, which i know will drive a lot people on here crazy (that i have to tell him), but he also does s**t like bring home something that he knows i'd like, or tells me about a game or show that isn't to his taste, but he thinks i'd like it. he put up with me when i wasn't on meds (y'all i was batshit crazy before meds). i know he loves me, he just doesn't show it by cleaning. he shows it in other ways. and once in a while, i'll come home to a completely clean house, unasked, and not for a special occasion- just out of the blue! if i have to ask him to take out the trash or feed the cats sometimes, that's ok. it's worth it to me.
Load More Replies... v 1 month ago
Meh. Too little information as to the reality under her tenure and his tenure as the house parent yet people on the OP are crucifying him simply because he's a guy who dared to say part of his wife's stress could be self inflicted. Likely the comments here on BP will be more of the same.
Sue User 1 month ago
Hey, i agree. Maybe she is a perfectionist. Maybe he is a slob. But after years of " i must sweep the kitchen every night, wash all dishes before going to bed, etc" I am giving myself some grace.
Load More Replies... Agat 1 month ago
In my opinion the mental load often comes from people requiring everything to be perfect in their eyes. It's not enough if your partner did a chore - they must do it a certain way, otherwise you have to "fix it", i.e. do it your way for the second time. In many cases there's no real difference and it's borderline OCD. I have a big problem with this because accusing someone of not pulling their weight when the chores are done is unfair and very hurtful.
Sue User 1 month ago
I struggled with this because when my husband folded clothes, he eould fold them like they do in the store, whereas i fold then in fours. His way looked nicer but didnt fit in the drawers.
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