There’s a line of thinking that says healthy relationships aren’t 50/50—instead, they’re 100/100, meaning that both partners bring their A game, and whenever one is lacking the energy or will, their combined effort will still be enough.

However, a husband who goes on Reddit by the nickname Plastic_Voice_6229 believes his wife is purposely lowering her bar so that he contributes more to their household.

In a post on ‘Am I the [Jerk]?‘, he recalled a time when his mother came over for dinner and harshly critiqued her daughter-in-law’s cooking skills. Since he agreed with the underlying message, the man didn’t step in to defend his spouse, and that is the main reason why his wife got mad at him.

This man married his partner knowing that she couldn’t cook

Image credits: Kampus Production / Pexels (not the actual photo)

And it has eventually led to frustration and tension in their relationship

Image credits: Marcus Aurelius / Pexels (not the actual photo)

Image credits: Yan Krukau / Pexels (not the actual photo)

Image credits: Plastic_Voice_6229

Image credits: Ivan Samkov / Pexels (not the actual photo)

Our wants and needs change together with us, and it’s important to be able to talk everything out with your partner and create compromises that work for both

Some people who read the story said that it’s a vivid example of weaponized incompetence, a phenomenon that occurs when an individual, consciously or not, demonstrates helplessness in order to avoid certain responsibilities, resulting in others stepping in and doing the tasks for them.

Indeed, weaponized incompetence can occur in a lot of everyday situations. For example, “Imagine you’ve just come home from a business trip, and the house is in disarray,” said psychotherapist Emily Mendez. “You ask your partner, ‘Why is our home a mess?’ They respond with ‘I’m not good at cleaning, so I thought you could do it,’ or they try to flatter you by saying, ‘I don’t know how to stack the dishwasher the way you do it, so I just left the dishes in the sink.'”

In the worst-case scenario, these actions are intentional and calculated. “Sometimes it’s used by a partner strategically to shift the responsibility of tasks to you,” Mendez explained. “This is a very skillful form of manipulation that can go unnoticed for some time.”

But she added that isn’t always the case. “It doesn’t always come from a bad place. It can stem from a lack of confidence or self-esteem; they may genuinely believe that they’re unable to perform those actions or tasks.”

And judging from the man’s post, he was aware of his wife’s cooking skills even before marrying her.

However, according to Bob Taibbi, L.C.S.W., who has five decades of clinical experience, compatibility is an ever-moving target because what’s important to us now in a relationship may be very different than what it was five or ten years ago. Time passes, we grow, and our personalities as well as our schedules change together with us.

Most importantly, the relationship should feel balanced and couples ought to be able to have productive problem-solving conversations.

“If you don’t feel safe to say how you feel but are always walking on eggshells and anxious, or are always giving in because you don’t want to upset your partner, you never get what you need because your needs are never voiced; you’re running on fear and ultimately not solving problems,” Taibbi wrote.

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And not feeling safe creates an imbalance where the other person’s needs and wants dominate the relationship, or where you feel like you’re always initiating, reaching out, and doing the emotional and practical heavy lifting. “Instead, you want a more equal relationship where you both feel that the other person has your back, that your happiness and needs are just as important as theirs, that your problems are taken seriously rather than minimized or dismissed, and where they are willing to step up and do as much as you.”

Whether or not this Redditor and his wife will be able to stop their arguments that keep circling back after the dust settles and create a win-win compromise might very well determine their future together.

The reactions to the story were mixed; some people said the man did nothing wrong

Some claimed everyone involved should have more empathy for one another

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And some believe the husband is responsible for causing the tension

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