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#1
Why are there pyramids in Egypt?
They were too heavy to steal and put in a British museum.
The Radio Demon 2 years ago
"Oi mate why can't we take the right old bugger out of here" "Because it's too heavy" "P!SS OFF MATE I DO WOT I WANT"
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#2
Isn't it great to live in the 21st century?
Where deleting history has become more important than making it.
#3
I don’t see why Brits don’t celebrate the 4th of July.
Surely 240 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.
#4
It is really unfortunate that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism have been fighting each other for centuries.
Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.
#5
Why does history keep repeating itself?
Because we weren’t listening the first time.
#6
Swedish astronomer Andres Celcius died in 1744 at the age of 43.
Though his rival, Fahrenheit, was convinced he was 103.
#7
How do you get Americans to join a World War?
Tell them it's nearly finished.
#8
Last night on Dancing with the Tsars, Peter and Catherine were great, but Ivan was terrible.
Katja Katze 2 years ago
Dmitri faked the whole performance! https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/False_Dmitry_I
#9
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles' elbow.
#10
On March 10th, 1876, Alexander Graham Bell made the first telephone call.
Moments later, he learned his auto warranty had expired.
#11
Russian history in 5 words: "And then things got worse."
#12
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
#13
Isaac Newton died a virgin. That means I have one up on history's greatest scientific genius.
Because I'm not dead.
#14
A Roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please!”
#15
And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and receive eternal life.” But John came fifth and won a toaster.
#16
My nerdy friend just got a Ph.D. on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
#17
My grandpa destroyed 12 German planes during WW2.
He was, without a doubt, the worst mechanic in the history of Luftwaffe.
#18
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance.
#19
A history degree is useless.
Because there's no future in it.
#21
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
But two Wrights did make an airplane!
Frank Hayes 6 months ago
the wrights had previously visited Lyman Gilmore, hoping he could assist with their rudder issues. Gilmore HAD an airplane and was using it to make deliveries as far as 200 miles away. He wasn't interested in patenting his ideas so they did. 'first in flight' baloney! A man in France made the first fully functioning airplane YEARS before Lyman Gilmore built his.
#22
What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
The same middle name!
#23
What did Richard III say when a planning proposal was submitted for building a parking lot?
“Over my dead body”
#24
Between the Stone Age and the Bronze Age, there was The Copper Age...
Back then, people really knew how to conduct themselves...
#26
It's amazing that the ancient Greek sculptors made statues without arms.
I mean, how did they hold the tools?
#28
A Frenchman walks into a library and asks for a book on warfare. The librarian replies, “You’ll only lose it.”
gerard julien 2 years ago (edited)
"If you repeat a lie often enough, people will believe it, and you will even come to believe it yourself. If you tell a lie long enough, it becomes the truth." Joseph GOEBBELS. Pathetic joke made by pathetic people.
#29
Why is England the wettest country?
Because the queen has reigned there for years!
#30
What is Abraham Lincolns least favorite phone box?
John Wilkes Booth.
#31
How do you get rich in Ancient Greece?
Well, step one, become an oracle.
Step two:
Prophet.
#32
To the many that have been ritually sacrificed by Aztec kings... My heart goes out to you.
#33
In a democracy, it's your vote that counts...
...and in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
#34
Haegel, Nietzsche and Aristotle walk into a bar...
Why?
#36
No one should have been surprised by the rise of the USSR after World War II.
I mean, there were red flags everywhere.
#38
What kind of tea did the American colonists want?
Liberty.
#39
Why didn't Isaac Newton dodge the apple?
He didn't understand the gravity of the situation.
#42
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hissssstory.
#43
What do French recruits learn in basic training?
How to surrender in 17 different languages.
#45
I just found out Albert Einstein was a real person, all this time I thought he was a theoretical physicist.
Norma Jean Morrissey 1 year ago
Cute! Did the scientist, Dr. Harvey, ever return the brain to his family, after he studied it?
#47
Why did Columbus cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Hestia Moon 2 years ago
“To get to the culture he would diminish and kill 90% of” would be a better punchline
#48
What did the terminator say when he accidentally got sent back in time to the renaissance?
I'll be Bach.
RafCo (he/him) 2 years ago
Then he would be nearly 150 years early, as Bach lived from the late 17th to mid 18th centuries. And the Renaissance really covers 14th to the 16th centuries. Maybe go back to the Enlightenment. Also, what happened to his Bach? It got baroque.
#49
A major yet unspoken difference between medieval times and now is...
These days, if someone owns a sword, it's a pretty safe bet you can kick their bum.
#50
What is the name of a severely injured historical figure?
Napoleon Bone-Apart!
#52
What did King George think of the American colonies?
He thought they were revolting.
#53
What was Camelot famous for?
It’s knight life.
#54
If Atlas supported the world on his shoulders, who supported Atlas?
His family and Friends.
#55
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
#59
Why were the early days of history called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
#60
How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Shocked.
#61
What kind of lighting did Noah use for the ark?
Floodlights!
#62
Why aren't you doing well in history?
Because the teacher keeps on asking about things that happened before I was born!
#66
I started studying art history.
I'm really learning a lot. This painter named 'Renaissance' is just amazing.
#67
Which Pharoah played the trumpet?
Tooting-khamun!
#71
What did the Greeks say after Constantinople was taken by the Turks?
What a load of Istanbull.
#72
After World War 2, France seriously considered changing its name.
Unfortunately, Iran was already taken.
John Barber 2 years ago
For sale: 50,000 WW2 French Army rifles. Never fired, only dropped once. Best offer.
#73
How did the Vikings send secret messages?
By Norse code!
#79
My ex-girlfriend is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me!
I want to go say hi but there's just so much history between us.
#83
How did Louis XIV feel after completing the Palace of Versailles?
Baroque.
#85
Abraham Lincoln had a very hard childhood. He had to walk 8 miles to school every day!
Well, he should have gotten up earlier and caught the schoolbus like everyone else!
#90
A joke that only 1300's kids would get.
The Bubonic plague.
#94
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
#95
Do you guys like Civil War jokes?
Because General-Lee I don't find them funny.
#99
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
Norma Jean Morrissey 1 year ago
Just plain stupid! There are many, many things to poke fun or laugh about. Wars and human tragedy, and great personal efforts that results are not amongst them!
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