“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
—Betty White
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“I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb…and I also know that I’m not blonde.” —Dolly Parton
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“The downside of my celebrity is that I cannot go anywhere in the world without being recognized. It is not enough for me to wear dark sunglasses and a wig. The wheelchair gives me away.”
― Stephen Hawking
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“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”– Jim Carey
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“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
— Tom Clancy
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“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
—Jack Handey
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“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” —Albert Einstein
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When Mick Jagger insisted that his wrinkles were actually laugh lines, jazz singer George Melly replied, “Surely nothing could be that funny.”
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“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” —Jack Whitehall
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“This book was written using 100% recycled words.”
― Terry Pratchett, Wyrd Sisters
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“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
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“He’s always asking: ‘Is that new? I haven’t seen that before.’ It’s like, Why don’t you mind your own business? Solve world hunger. Get out of my closet.”
― Michelle Obama
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"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him."
— Oscar Wilde
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"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” ― Bob Hope
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“There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you're interrupting.“– Mark Twain
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“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” —Isaac Asimov
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“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.“ — Greg Tamblyn
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“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”— Winnie the Pooh
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“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.” – Groucho Marx
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“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
— Stephen Hawking
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"The trouble with having an open mind is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it."— Terry Pratchett
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A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
—Graham Norton
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"When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative."
― Chris Rock.
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“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”
― Steven Wright
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“I love deadlines, I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” – Douglas Adams
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“Life isn't a fairy tale. If you lose a shoe at midnight, you're drunk.”
― Darynda Jones
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“Friends are God’s way of apologizing to us for our families.” —Anonymous
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“I asked my brother-in-law, the father of four boys, ‘If you had it to do all over again, would you still have kids?’ ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘Just not these four.’”
— Sheila Lee
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“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
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"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
— Steve Martin
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“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.”—Oscar Wilde
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“The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.”
—Zach Galifianakis
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”Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”— Doug Larson
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“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.“ — George Burns
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"I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me."
― Stephen Fry
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“You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.”
—Joan Rivers
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“If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.” —George Carlin
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“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
—Noel Coward
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“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
—Steven Wright
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"Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion.” — Tina Fey
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“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” —Nora Ephron
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"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’" —Conan O’Brien
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“I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.”– David Lee Roth
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"The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate me away from those who are still undecided."– Casey Stengel
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“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
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“If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.” —Judith Martin
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“According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that seem right? That means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
—Jerry Seinfeld
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“When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, ‘Four. I don’t think I can eat eight.'”— Yogi Berra
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“I recently asked a student where his homework was. He replied, ‘It’s still in my pencil.’”
— Larry Timmons
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“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
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“I just realized that ‘Let me check my calendar’ is the adult version of ‘Let me ask my mom.’”
— Noelle Chatham
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"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments."
— Flip Wilson
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“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer”
― Douglas Adams
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“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
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“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
—Robin Williams
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“There is one word that describes people that don’t like me: Irrelevant.”
— Anonymous
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“The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.”– Mark Russell
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“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
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“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
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“Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!” —Charlie Brown
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“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
—Groucho Marx
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“It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he’s madly in love, drunk, or running for office.” —B. Birdsong
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“My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.”
—Halley Reed (Mia Farrow), Crimes and Misdemeanors
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"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone."
— Reba McEntire
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"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'"
— Tommy Cooper
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”Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”— Billy Sunday
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"My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I don't know how much she charges him though."― Emo Phillips
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"Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers."
—Matt Groening
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"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
— George Gobel
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”Formula for success: rise early, work hard, strike oil.”
— J. Paul Getty
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“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.“ — Helen Rowland
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“I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.”
—Anonymous
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“If you even dream of beating me you’d better wake up and apologize.”– Muhammad Ali
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“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.” —Phil Pastoret
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“The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.” —Mark Twain
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“Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you’re finished.” —Leslie Nielsen
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“If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?”
― Steven Wright
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“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
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“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
― Bill Watterson
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"Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch."
—Jon Stewart
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"When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic."
― Jane Wagner
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“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
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“Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.”
—Oscar Wilde
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Police officer: “Pull over.”
Harry: “No, it’s a cardigan. But thanks for noticing.”
—Harry Dunne, Dumb and Dumber
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“Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.”
—Adam Gropman
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“Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room.” —President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), Dr. Strangelove
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“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
—Sir Norman Wisdom
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“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”– Bob Hope
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“Don't make me an optimist. You will ruin my life.”– Fleabag, Fleabag
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”The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream."
― Bill Murray
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“I admit that I live in the past, but only because housing is so much cheaper.”
— Matt Wohlfarth
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“I don’t believe in reincarnation, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.” —Shane Richie
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“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
— Erma Bombeck
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“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
—Zach Galifianakis
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“Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they’re the ones who can sign you into a home.” —Dennis Miller
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“Eggs are fantastic for a fitness diet. If you don’t like the taste, just add cocoa, flour, sugar, butter, baking powder and cook at 350 for 30 minutes.”
—Anonymous
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“Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse.” – Thomas Stephen Szasz
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“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
—Mitch Hedberg
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“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
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“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” —Edgar Bergen
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“Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like.” — Lemony Snicket
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“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God... I could be eating a slow learner.”― Lynda Montgomery
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“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
—Dave Barry
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“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.”
— Reese Witherspoon
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“An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, ‘So far so good!’”
— Anonymous
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“There are two classes of travel—first class and with children.”—Robert Benchley
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“The cat could very well be man’s best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.” —Doug Larson
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“A camel is a horse designed by a committee.“– Sir Alec Issigonis
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"You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer."― Robin Williams.
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"My psychiatrist told me I am crazy, and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too."― Rodney Dangerfield.
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"I love South Dakota, I do. And you know, the Black Hills of South Dakota are sacred to the Lakota Indians. And out of respect, our government carved four white guys into the side of a mountain."― Jim Gaffigan
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“Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?”
—Lillian (Maya Rudolph), Bridesmaids
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"Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family."— Chelsea Handler
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“It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.”
― Rick Riordan
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“In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.” —Fran Lebowitz
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“The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.“ — Josh Billings
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“If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn’t hear the other dead people.” – Dwight Schrute, The Office
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“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.”― Charles Schulz
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“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
—Jarod Kintz
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"I'm an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat."
― Harold Wilson
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"Does the brain control you or are you controlling the brain? I don't know if I'm in charge of mine."
— Karl Pilkington
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“Do not take life too seriously, you will never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard
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“There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends.”
― Sylvia Plath
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”Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.”– Jules Renard
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“I’m one stomach flu away from my goal weight.”
—Emily Charlton (Emily Blunt), The Devil Wears Prada
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“What they could do to make it easier is combine the two, real estate and obituaries: Mr. Klein died today leaving a wife, two children, and a spacious three-bedroom apartment with a wood-burning fireplace.”
—Harry, When Harry Met Sally
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“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” — Erma Bombeck
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“Not sure which is harder on a relationship: sharing a dresser for three years or sharing an iPhone charger for one day.”
— Rhea Butcher
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"Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter."
— James A. Garfield
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“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
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“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”– Al McGuire
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"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."― Mitch Hedberg.
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“The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.”― Lily Tomlin
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"Mother Nature is wonderful. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers."― Eugene Bertin
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“Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.”
—Dorothy Parker
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“Good parenting means investing in your child’s future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard someday.”
— Lin-Manuel Miranda
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“If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
— Will Rogers
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“Write what you know. That should leave you with a lot of free time.”
― Howard Nemerov
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A pun is the lowest form of humor—when you don't think of it first.”
― Oscar Levant
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“When asked, "Why do you always wear black?", he said, "I am mourning for my life.” ― Anton Chekhov
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“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
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"For those of you who don't know what it is, blackout drinking is when your brain goes to sleep, but your body gets all 'Eye of the Tiger' and soldiers on." ― John Mulaney.
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“You know there’s a problem when you realize that out of the three Rs, only one begins with an R.”
— Dennis Miller
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“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
—Les Dawson
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"If you text 'I love you' and the person writes back an emoji - no matter what that emoji is - they don't love you back."– Chelsea Peretti
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"For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three." — Alice Kahn
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"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is."― Ellen Degeneres.
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"I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back."― Jimmy Kimmel.
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“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” —Jerome K. Jerome
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"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, Coming to America
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“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
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“Love is not a sprint, it’s a marathon -- a relentless pursuit that only ends when she falls into your arms ...or hits you with the pepper spray.”– Howard Wolowitz, The Big Bang Theory
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"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that." ― Mitch Hedberg.
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“I’ve come to learn that the best time to debate family members is when they have food in their mouths.”
— Kenneth Cole
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“I was going to sue for defamation of character, but then I realized I have no character.” — Charles Barkley
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"True love is singing Karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddy Mercury part."– Mindy Kaling
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“They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.”
— Clint Eastwood
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"I married a woman who loves to camp ... and I am what you would call indoorsy."– Jim Gaffigan
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"When I'm walking down the street I don't think anybody goes, 'Hey look at that man', they're just like 'Woah, that tall child looks terrible'."― John Mulaney
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“In eternity there is no time, only an instant long enough for a joke.”
― Hermann Hesse
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"Math was my worst subject because I could never persuade the teacher that my answers were meant ironically"― Calvin Trillin.
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"I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the piñata promotes violence against flamboyant animals."― Demetri Martin.
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"I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'"― Demetri Martin.
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"I don't know much about The Bible myself. I haven't read it 'cause I don't have to, 'cause I'm Catholic."― Jim Gaffigan
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“Even as a junkie I stayed true [to vegetarianism] - 'I shall have heroin, but I shan't have a hamburger.' What a sexy little paradox.”― Russell Brand
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"Zombies eat brains, you are safe."― John Stewart
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"I recently hurt myself on a treadmill and it wasn't even on."― Amy Poehler.
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“You are more mysterious than David Blaine reading a Sue Grafton novel at Area 51.” ― Ted Lasso, Ted Lasso
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“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
—Sir Norman Wisdom
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“I won’t go into a big spiel about reincarnation, but the first time I was in the Gucci store in Chicago was the closest I’ve ever felt to home.”
— Kanye West
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