So I work in the security industry , watching over vulnerable people and have been with the company for just over a year now. I work with two other people and one of them...is insane. Absolutely, genuinely insane.

Now bear in mind that this woman is "5,2, weighs about 14 stone and is 1000% NOT a looker. I know that sounds mean but imagine that and then tell me you can picture any of this being true. Within twenty minutes of meeting me, she told me that:

- She was dating Keanu Reeves.

- Johnny Depp loved her more than Keanu though and was doing his best to break them up. When I asked to see a picture of them together, she said she didn't have any of them for 'security reasons'.

- She's capable of doing the one inch punch and once stopped an armed robbery with it.

- She and her biker gang joined forces with local police to crucify a child abuser on the beach; then hid the body afterwards.

- She was 22 pounds when she was born and her mother gave birth to her naturally.

- Her brother is "8,5 (the world record holder is "8,3 but sure).

- She saved Tom Hardy's life by pushing him out of the way of a falling snow machine on a movie set she worked on.

- She's primed to have her script made into a movie any day now (she then made me take it home and read it - couldn't understand a goddamn word).

Honestly, I'm not even exaggerating - she told me this within 20 minutes of our first EVER meeting and expected me to believe it! She's the most deluded, idiotic, self centred, selfish woman I've ever met in my entire life and she's not even good at her job! Our entire job is literally to look after the building and make sure residents are keeping to the rules. In the year I've worked with her she has:

- Almost set the building on fire twice because she brings in four heaters with her every shift. They fried the electrics twice and resulted in a £60,000 rewire of the entire building.

- Had a completely unqualified, random friend take over her 12 hour shift on a multi million pound contract without telling our boss (I made sure to do it for her).

- Worked at a completely different venue whilst pretending she was working at ours - and was paid for both. Why? Because they were paying double time and ours wasn't. Got paid for three shifts instead of one. And no, she didn't get caught for this.

- Had our company convinced she was selling drugs to residents because all they ever hear her going on about is her 'script' - they put her somewhere else til it was disproved.

- Tells everyone she can that I'm not qualified and am working there illegally (this isn't true but we hate each other, so it's no surprise).

- Turns up late for work religiously and has left as much as four hours early.

- Sleeps on the job and once, a resident walked in to see her having a wank in the office. Apparently my colleague panicked and went to go shake the residents hand...wtf?

Why after all this is she still working here, you ask? What the ever loving fuck is wrong with your boss? I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING CLUE - PLEASE DO ENLIGHTEN ME, STEVE!!!!