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Just a dad joke, it dosn’t even have to be funny.
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#1
Q: Where do bad rainbows go?
A: Prism. It's a light sentence though.
Final score:
31points
#2
I'm reading a horror book in Braille... Something's about to happen... I can feel it!
Final score:
31points
#3
I was walking past a farm and a sign said "Duck, eggs"... I thought that was an unnecessary comma and then it hit me...
Final score:
29points
#4
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars... Today everyone has cars and only the rich have horses... Clearly the stables have turned!
Final score:
29points
#5
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar... but it's a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house... the difference is staggering!
Final score:
25points
#6
Waiter: "How would Sir like his steak?"
Sir: "Like winning an argument with my wife"
Waiter: "Rare it is then"
Final score:
21points
#7
The Beastie Boys are releasing a 5 part anthology... parts A-D are for free, but you have to fight for your right to Part E!
Final score:
18points
#8
Child: Dad. I am hungry
Dad: Hi hungry. I am dad
Final score:
18points
JUINNO TAN Moe 2 years ago
Child: dad I'm serious. dad: I thought you were hungry. child: WHAT THE F**K
#9
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB...
It was a trip down Memory Lane.
Final score:
15points
#10
This is my step ladder....
I never knew my real ladder
Final score:
15points
#11
Q: why dont seagulls fly over bays?
A: cus then they’d be bay-gulls, geddit?
Final score:
13points
#12
what do you call a deer with no eyes?
no idea.
what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
still no idea
what do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no sexual organs?
still no f*^king idea.
Final score:
13points
#13
Poop jokes aren't my favourite kind of jokes... but they're a solid number 2!
Final score:
13points
#14
Q: What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
A: Beer nuts cost $1.25. Deer nuts are under a buck.
Final score:
13points
Hope Cows&Chickens 2 years ago
YES! Sorta naughty dad jokes that are also puns are the best!
#15
Two men walked into a bar.
The third one ducked.
Final score:
13points
#16
This one my dad told me a while ago
Did you hear of the math teacher who was scared of negative numbers
She stopped at nothing to avoid them
Final score:
13points
#17
What do you call a fly without wings?
A walk.
Final score:
10points
#18
What’s the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire
Final score:
10points
#20
Whomever stop my copy of Microsoft Office I WILL FIND YOU... you have my word!
Final score:
9points
#21
Dad: What’s the first letter in “yellow”?
Kid: Y.
Dad: Because I want to know.
Final score:
9points
#22
I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like?’.
I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’
She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’
‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.'
Final score:
8points
#23
My uncle got his tongue shot off during the war. He never talked about it
Final score:
8points
#24
6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down🤣🤣 ( this is my dad’s favorite)
Final score:
8points
Karen, not *that* Karen 2 years ago
When is it time to go to the dentist? ................................2:30!
#25
Two snowmen standing in a field. One says to the other "Can you smell carrots?"
Final score:
7points
#26
My husband announced that he was divorcing me in a letter he left taped to the ceiling. Our marriage ended on a high note.
Final score:
7points
#27
Woman in the bathroom hears knock on her front door, yells who is it? Voice from the door says, it's the police ma'am your husband has been run over by a steam roller. Woman says, can you slip him under the door, I'm in the shower.
Final score:
7points
#28
Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees?
Cause they're so dam good at it
Final score:
7points
Stephanie Did It 2 years ago
How do you spot an elephant hiding in a tree? You look for his red tennis shoes. Why didn't you find the elephant in the tree? Because he's wearing his blue shoes today.
#29
I have a few!! 1. What is red and smells like blue paint? Red paint! 2. Some people think prison is just one word, however to a criminal it’s a whole sentence. 3. Shout out to anyone wondering what the opposite of in is.
Final score:
7points
#30
What do you call an albino alcoholic Rhinoceros?
An albino wino rhino
Final score:
7points
#32
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter 'W'.
Final score:
7points
#34
Why didn't Cleopatra realize she was in danger until it was too late?
Because she was Queen of Da Nile
Final score:
6points
#35
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea!
(Then he’d always say, “get it? No-eye-deer!”, with such a happy look only seen immediately before, during or after a dad joke has occurred - we all know ‘the look’)
Final score:
6points
#36
I sure hope the rain keeps up.
Huh, why?
So it won't come down!
Final score:
6points
#37
Did you ever look up and see geese flying in a "V" formation?
Isn't that pretty?
Did you ever notice that one side of the "V" is usually longer than the other side?
Did you ever wonder why this is?
..because there's more gesse in that one line.
Final score:
5points
#39
So, the potato chip company owner was thinking of new products and was having trouble coming up with something. After a long day at work, he sat down in his chair at home, took off his shoes and socks. He exclaims: Ahhh, Fritos!
Final score:
5points
#40
The Dali Lhama (sp?) is in NYC and decides to get a hot dog from a vendor at a cart:
"Make me one with everything" and hands the vendor a $20 bill
The vendor assembles the dog and adds all the condiments, sauerkraut, onions, etc. and hands it over to the DL
DL says to the vendor,
"thanks, but where is my change, I handed you a $20
Vendor replies back, "all change must come from within !"
... I will see myself out!
-Actual Dad of 2
Final score:
5points
#41
This is a series of jokes
How many elephants can fit in a Volkswagen Beetle?
Four-two in the front and two in the back!
How can you tell if an elephant has been in your fridge?
Footprints in the butter!
How can you tell if two elephants have been in your fridge?
Two sets of footprints in the butter!
How can you tell if there are three elephants in your fridge?
You can’t close the door!
How can you tell if there are four elephants in your fridge?
Their Volkswagen Beetle is parked outside!
And then another set
How do you get an elephant into your fridge?
You open the door, put the elephant in, and then close the door!
How do you put a giraffe in your fridge?
You open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, and then close the door!
The lions want to have a meeting with all the animals. Who isn’t there?
The giraffe! The giraffe is still in the fridge!
I hope these made you laugh!
Final score:
5points
#42
What's the difference between a Buffalo and a Bison?
You can't wash your hands in a Buffalo.
Final score:
4points
#43
What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor?
Where's my tractor 🚜 🤣
Final score:
4points
#44
Pete and Re-Pete were sitting on a fence. Pete hopped off, who was left?
Re-Pete.
Pete and Re-Pete were sitting on a fence. Pete hopped off, who was left?
Re-Pete!
Source: a YouTube video seen months ago
Final score:
4points
#46
10 yo me: Dad, where are we going?
Dad: Why, are you writing a book?
Me: Y...yeah!
Dad: Leave that chapter out and call it a mystery
Final score:
4points
#47
What do you get when you push a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
Final score:
4points
#48
Why did the dolphin blush?
Because it saw the ocean's bottom.
Final score:
4points
#49
Never count on horses for encouragement. They're just a bunch of neigh-sayers.
Final score:
3points
#50
Why do nurses love red crayons? Because sometimes they have to draw blood.
What did Tennessee? The same thing Arkansas.
Dad: did I ever tell you my corn joke?
Me: no.
Dad: shucks.
And then he threw a sheep, a drum, and a snake off a cliff. Bath-dum-hissss.
Final score:
3points
#51
A skeleton walks into a bar: He orders a beer and a mop.
Final score:
3points
#53
Q: Why did the toilet paper stop rolling down the hill?
A: It got stuck in a crack.
Final score:
2points
#54
hear about the man with 5 penises? his pants fit him like a glove...
Final score:
2points
#55
I named my favorite cow Queen Victoria. She was not a-moo-sed.
Final score:
2points
#56
A hunter entered a bar & started a conversation with the person sitting next to him. Chatting for a while and seemingly hitting it off, the hunter asked his new pal, ‘You wanna hang out together again sometime?’ As to which his new friend replied, ‘Sure, I’m game!’ So the hunter shot him.
Final score:
2points
#57
Mom why don't we have chocolate milk because child your dad never came home with it
Final score:
2points
#58
Jokes I made up:
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
I know tyjits!
I know tyjits who?
Ooo you threatening me?
What kind of jacket does a cop wear?
- A pullover
Why did the kid put his Dad in the freezer?
- He was trying to make a pop-sicle.
Final score:
2points
#59
What is the oldest living organism?
Zebra.. cus it's black and white...
Final score:
2points
#60
Why was the fish in the fishbowl happy?
They had indoorfins (Endorphins)
Final score:
2points
#61
How does a disabled gingerbread man get around?
He uses a tuilechair.
Final score:
1point
#63
Late for work, sitting on the toilet and super irritated.
Man, I don't have time for this sh*t!
Final score:
1point
#65
My sister and I went to Paris a while ago. My sister saw a Ferris Wheel, and wanted to show me.
I told her it was called a Paris Wheel.
Final score:
1point
#66
I was a clumsy child but I begged my dad
for some boxing gloves anyway.
He surprised me on my birthday, saying,
"Knock yourself out, kid"
Final score:
1point
#68
What are they going to call Bob the Builder, when he retires?
Bob
Final score:
1point
#69
Dung beetle walks into a bar, looks around and decides to leave. All the stools were taken.
Final score:
1point
#70
Remember: you can only ran in a campground, because it’s past tents.
Final score:
1point
#71
there's a line of people waiting to punch you in the face. . . . . . that's the punch line.
Final score:
1point
#72
What do you get if you cross an elephant and a rhino?
Elephino...
Final score:
1point
#73
My dad and I every time we pass a graveyard..
My dad: "You know people are doing to get in there..🤪😝"
Me: 😑🤦♀️
Final score:
1point
Actively Lazy Cat (Submission author) 2 years ago
Not sure how to edit but I made a small typo..the word doing is supposed to say dying..sorry guys
#74
What is invisible and smells like earthworms?
Bird farts!
Final score:
0points
#75
The internet’s gone
Looks like we need to start putting up some missing posters
Final score:
0points
#76
Q: what would the country be called if Canada and the United States combined?
A: the United States of Eh
Final score:
0points
#78
Why did Adele cross the street? So she could call from the other side.
Final score:
0points
#80
Best joke I have heard listening to comedy radio:
For father's day my kids got me a gift certificate good for 1 full body massage at a local parlor.
I have never had a good massage before so I thought what the heck and went down there the next day.
Expecting an oriental woman masseuse I was quite surprised when a man with a French accent entered the room. I figured as long as he knew what he was doing I guess it doesn't matter after all a massage is a massage.
So I'm lying on my back in my underwear and he is working his magic on my shoulders and it's feeling really nice. At that moment I get embarrassed and ask him "this is my first good massage so forgive me when I ask you, is it common to get an erection?" He replies "actually it happens quite often if not every time I give a nother man a massage" to that I reply "well to each his own but could you get it out of my face?"
Final score:
0points
#82
"knock knock" "who's there" "you" "you who?" "yoohoo! big summer blowout!"
Final score:
0points
#83
My favorite: What do you call a seagull flying over the bay? ... A bagel!
Final score:
0points
#84
What did the cop say to his belly button ?
your under a vest!!!
Final score:
0points
#86
My grandfather (Dad's Dad) had one, but it hasn't aged all that well. I still think it's kind of funny though.
Q: How can you tell the difference between boy and girl potatoes?
A: The boys only "have eyes" for the girls.
Final score:
0points
#87
Answer: Siss, Boom, Bah!
Question: Describe the sound made when a sheep explodes.
(Thanks to Carnac the Magnificent)
Final score:
0points
#88
If April showers bring May showers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims!
Final score:
0points
What do you think ?
Henry Myers 2 years ago
I failed my driving test because I ran over a kid carrying some cymbals. *ba dum ching*
Karen, not *that* Karen 2 years ago
3 men covered in coal dust walk into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry. We don't serve miners here".
Henry Myers 2 years ago
I failed my driving test because I ran over a kid carrying some cymbals. *ba dum ching*
Karen, not *that* Karen 2 years ago
3 men covered in coal dust walk into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry. We don't serve miners here".
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