Get Premium
Dark mode theme is available exclusively for premium users. Learn more about the benefits of subscribing.
No fees, cancel anytime.
Dark Mode 
No fees, cancel anytime 
Post your favorite or best comeback.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Your laxatives have backfired, the shite's supposed to come out the other end
Final score:
50points
Petrified Pigeon 3 years ago
Wow !!! This is the best comeback ever !!! Do you mind if I borrow it ?
RELATED:
#2
I said something and someone went "that's just in your world" i immediately said "my world is called reality"
Final score:
43points
#3
This one is simple and works in a variety of situations...
"How embarassing, did you mean to say that out loud?"
Final score:
43points
#4
Well you’re so narrow minded you can look through a keyhole with both eyes!
Final score:
40points
WilvanderHeijden 3 years ago
"Contrary to you, I don't need to peep through keyholes to tell my friends I know about sex."
#5
Not that I hate you. . .but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.
Final score:
35points
#6
~SAY AT YOUR OWN RISKS~
If someone says get a life. Say- Like yours? Nah, pass.
If someone rolls their eyes say- Keep rolling those eyes and maybe you'll find a brain back there.
If someone says you're so dumb. Say- oh well... once you know everything you should know when to shut up
If someone says did I ask? Say- Then why are you still listening.
If someone says you're fat say- at least I can lose weight but you cant lose your ugly face.
If someone says im hotter than you guys say- sure, you dont need makeup... You need plastic surgery
if someone says I dont like you say- that's a shame cause my middle finger seems to like you
if someone says no one would ever date you say- tell your boyfriend that- then wink and walk away.
if someone says I know a lot of stuff about you say- is your a$$ jealous of the $h!t coming out of your mouth?
HAVE fun! But also be aware that these might make things worse... :)
Final score:
31points
Aski Markup 3 years ago (edited)
Lol, knowing my luck, I'll forget what I'm supposed to say half way through the sentence.
#7
Everyone in my class doing math work. My friend: teacher, I have a problem. My teacher: I know, I’ve been trying to tell your parents
Final score:
29points
#8
When someone calls me a name, I correct them by saying they mispronounced a word or misspelled it (if it’s via text or email) and provide them with a more appropriate adjective that describes me.
Guy I know (via text): Women are so dramatic! 🙄
Me: You misspelled “determined.” 😂
My best friend (said in jest): You’re such an idiot! 😂
Me: You pronounced “intellectual” as “idiot.” You should really learn correct English pronunciations. 😂 “I’m such an intellectual.”
Final score:
28points
#9
When ever a guy says ‘that’s what she said’ I say ‘not to you she doesnt’
Final score:
28points
WilvanderHeijden 3 years ago
Answer: "How would you know? You were at home, crying your eyes out because no one likes you."
#10
A "pro-lifer" asked me, "You mean, women should decide who lives and who dies?" I replied, "You men have been doing that for thousands of years."
Final score:
28points
#11
A woman was ranting at me one day, I held up my hand to stop her talking and said." I would love to have a battle of wits with you but you are totally unarmed" That shut her up.
Final score:
24points
#12
When someone is spouting crap, claiming free speech, I
like to reply, "The first amendment means you can't be arrested for things you say. It doesn't mean I have to put up with your bullshit."
Final score:
24points
#13
At one point in middle school, while on the bus home, one girl told me that I'd never be popular. The girl wasn't exactly the prettiest person either so I shot back "And you think you're gonna be prom queen?"
Final score:
20points
#14
~Being a d**k won’t make yours any bigger
~Please move out of the sunlight I hate the smell of burning plastic
~I may not be perfect but at least I ain’t you
~ Better shut your mouth or the next thing coming out of it will be teeth, not bullshit
~What doesn’t kill you. Severely disappoints me.
Just a few I’ve said to annoying people, say at your own risk.
Final score:
20points
#15
Back when I was a bartender (in my early 30s), a bunch of college guys came into my bar. The ringleader walked up to me and said, "You know what? I have a 12-inch d*ck." I replied, "Yeah? Where are you measuring from? Your a$$hole?" His friends nearly fell on the floor laughing at him.
Final score:
17points
#16
if someones being rude or annoying, in your best yoda voice say "a sh*t, i don't give" and walk away
Final score:
16points
#17
I love you. You're beautiful, you look great, are smart, and/or important. Confuses angry people everytime & usually makes people laugh.
Final score:
15points
#18
1. You're a very uneducated potato
2. Try eating all that makeup. Maybe you'll be pretty on the inside too.
3. I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you
4. It's a shame you're not half the man your mom is
5. Too bad your mind isn't as sharp as your tongue
6. Your inferiority complex is totally justified
7. I'm impressed! You used your entire vocabulary in a single sentence!
8. Uber drivers beware: if you drop this person off, you'll be fined for littering
9. I'm not offended by what you say - I'm proud of you for stringing words into full sentences now
10. You should try one of those journeys to find yourself! (Guys, don't tell them they won't actually find anything. I'm just hoping they'll look - they'll be gone forever!)
Final score:
14points
#19
My sister uses this one:
Some guy: "Women belong in the kitchen."
My sister: "Of course, that's where the knives are."
Final score:
12points
Bob Belcher 3 years ago
And meat tenderizer, mini torch, mandolin, blenders, oh and so much more that Dr. Lecter would love to show you.
#20
Not my best, but one of my recent. Had some idiot tell me, "Yeah, whatever, go back to the kitchen, b***."
Replied, "Well what are you doing out here? Go fix a car or something. The grill isn't going to light itself, f*cker."
Final score:
11points
Katie Lutesinger 3 years ago
"Isn't there a war you should be fighting in right now, little man? Pfft, so feisty - guys these days don't understand that's all they're good for!"
#21
For even the biggest stupidity or insult I say "you are right". I have better things to do than engage in that kind of conversations.
Final score:
11points
#22
My grand nephew lived with us for awhile and he was emptying the garbage when I opened the refrigerator and he asked, "Is there anything old in there?", meaning leftovers. Without skipping a beat, I said, "Just the guy reaching for a beer". He dropped the garbage can.
Final score:
10points
#23
My most absolute favourite, an oldie but a goodie as the saying goes: “If your brains were dynamite, there wouldn’t be enough to blow your nose.” They have to stop and think about it.
Final score:
10points
#24
“Go to hell.”
“I don’t know if you noticed but I’m already there. After all, I have looked at your face for at least five minutes.”
Final score:
9points
#25
There was a co-worker who, in addition to thinking that he was the supreme of sensuality, insistently harassed the girls and that bothered me a lot (everyone really) until the day when, in front of all the harassed women, I asked him: " Do you know what women say when they meet a real man? ", To which he replies:" I don't know ". My return: "But I know".
Final score:
9points
Katelyntheweirdo 3 years ago
That is great he literally just admitted that he wasnt a man 😆 also I applaud you for this 👏🏼
#26
I would try to see it from your perspective but I fit my head that far up my a**
Final score:
8points
#27
A friend of mine said K-pop's 'gay' so I said, "Well, you're straight, yet nobody likes you."
Another one I used was when my classmate was being blatantly racist so I said that I'd slap her but it would be animal abuse.
Final score:
8points
#28
1. Someday you'll go far. I hope you stay there.
2. You bring people so much joy...when you leave the room
3. The people who deal with you on a daily basis are the real heroes
4. You're so full of crap, the toilet's jealous
5. If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world
ur welcome
Final score:
8points
#30
It’s a good thing you’re pretty!
Final score:
7points
#31
These are my top favourite comebacks I use :
1) I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.
2) Isn’t there a bullet somewhere you could be jumping in front of?
3) Somewhere out there, there’s a tree working very hard to produce oxygen so that you can breathe. I think you should go and apologize to it.
4) What doesn’t kill you, disappoints me.
5) Good story, but in what chapter do you shut up?
6) Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything!
7) JOKER: Knock Knock
BATMAN: Whos there
JOKER: Definitely not your parents
BATMAN : (
Warning: Use at your own risk !!!
Final score:
7points
#32
Used this on some boy who had harrassed me for months. Felt. So. Good.
Me: Go f*ck yourself
Them: Well actually that's phsycally impossible
Me: Well if your d**k's as big as your ego I really doubt it
Final score:
7points
#33
Once a guy I worked with who was constantly hitting on me had me cornered in in the parts department. He leered at me and said, "I bet you're a tiger in bed!" I said "I'm better. Too bad you'll never find out first hand!" And while he was taking that in I slipped under his arm blocking my way and walked off...
Final score:
7points
Leslie K Von Dell (Submission author) 3 years ago
Sorry Bob, this is or rather was a situation that is somewhat different than a usual case of sexual harassment. I was a woman automobile repair technician, a mechanic. When a woman breaks into a male dominated work field a whole different set of rules applied. There was no way in the world I was going to go to HR with that. I always fought (and won) my own battles. To go to my boss, his boss, HR, whoever and complain about it would have been a death sentence for me. Every day was a battle for me, I always, ALWAYS had to bring my A game to work, I could never rest on my laurels so to speak, I could never show a sign of weakness, I could never whine or whimper about my back hurting or the ouie I got on my little finger. I was working with some hard core, hard working men doing a hard job. If I couldn't be as hard as them, if I couldn't work as hard as them, if I could not fight my own battles and win I would no be respected nor tolerated in the shop. 40 years, I always won!
#34
My favorite comes from "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior." I read this in the 80s, when it wasn't exactly an enlightened time for the LGBTQ community, so I found her comeback profound and instructive, if rather unexpected.
Someone wrote in: What should I say when I'm introduced to a gay couple?
Her answer: "How do you do?" "How do you do?"
Final score:
7points
#35
A guy was bragging how clean his house was. "You can literally eat from my floor" he said. Me: "Yes, a 6-course menu for 18 people."
Final score:
6points
#36
Mate, put a fu**ing nappie over your face, cause you’re talking s**t!
Final score:
6points
#37
This wasn't mine, but was the best comeback/pun I ever heard, and came from a woman named Beth:
A young Indian employee was telling his co-workers about his betrothed, and said her name was "Roshni" (pron. Rosh-nee). One of the women in back didn't hear the name too well, and asked if it were "Lunchmeat". Beth shot back, without missing a beat, "Well, she's from New Delhi."
Final score:
6points
#38
Get someone else’s life — yours isn’t working . . . . . . . . . What goes around comes around. Looks like you’re on the down side of karma . . . . . . . . . A beautiful woman will only be pretty for a few years. I’ll be smart and sassy all my life . . . . . . . . . One of my best: An out-of-control child was bothering everyone waiting for a table. When the kid got to me, I looked down and said “Go stand by your mother. Not everyone likes children.” Kid went to mom. Mom says, “Bitch.” Suddenly I felt like Cyrano de Bergerac, “Is bitch the best you can do? I’ve been a bitch lots of times. Once more won’t change anything.” . . . . . . . . . . . And for adults . . . . . . . . One of my few times at a bar, I saw man striking out with women. When he got to me he said I wasn’t what he was looking for. My comeback was an old joke I heard a long time ago: “I may not be much to look at but I can suck start a Harley. Shame you’re never gonna know what that feels like.” His mouth hung open as I strolled away . . .
Final score:
6points
#39
On a new (and last) date the guy leaned over and said, "I'd really like to get in your pants".
I looked puzzled and said. " Now why would you want to do that? There's one a**hole in there already.
Final score:
6points
#40
I've been called a B---H before, no problem. I correct them by saying that's B-being I-in T-total C-control of H-herself and don't you forget it!
Final score:
6points
#41
I had a violent husband who used to hallucinate when he was very drunk on spirits. (Notice I did say HAD.) One evening, he came stumbling in and went to the kitchen, going to the fridge to see if he could find something else to drink. He couldn't but started to chase me down the hallway, swearing at me because he said I had "a man in the freezer for later." I have no idea what gave me the courage to reply but I yelled back at him that "At least he'd be stiff!"
Final score:
6points
#42
After a lengthy discussion about guitars, someone asked me what guitar I had. I said a red one. But I was being serious and not insulting, guess it's an Asperger's thing.
Final score:
5points
Agnes Jekyll 3 years ago
someone asked me what kind of car I drove, I said Datsun Green. I didn't know, and I didn't care.
#43
My friend told me he was a non conformist. I told him I knew that already. He asked what gave it away. I replied ‘you fit the stereotype’. I wonder what ever happened to that guy...
Final score:
5points
#44
I know i've already posted but this one is good. If someone is being a jerk and says you're pretty but you know they're being sarcastic say this"I may be hotter than the sun but your colder than the moon"
Final score:
5points
#45
"Have you narrowed down the identity of your father to less than a dozen possibilities?"
"That was almost close to nearly being semi-intelligible."
"I have the answer if you'd ever get to the end of your question."
"Let us know if you ever achieve competency at anything."
"You need to set your sights lower. Adequacy is clearly beyond your skillset."
"There's a point in there somewhere, drowning in a sea of verbiage."
"You're boldly going where no one would ever want to go."
"Your parents said you should concentrate on your brains because you'd never get anywhere with your looks. You should have listened to them."
"Your inferiority complex is justified. You're actually inferior."
Final score:
4points
#46
I had one the other day on here. I’ll attach a screenshot in the chat.
Final score:
4points
Aragorn II Elessar (Submission author) 3 years ago
My device only allows me to put an image in a reply
#47
If you had a dollar for every brain cell you had you’d be a millionaire but look at that, your broke.
Final score:
4points
#49
My comeback to the old misogynists' joke of "What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?" with the punchline of "Nothing, I already told her twice". I said "hmmm, I'm pretty sure what you say is please don't shoot me again!" Shut those two chuckleheads up pretty quick.
Final score:
4points
#50
I love reading Shakespeare, so I usually just say "Why (sir/ma'am,) cobble you. I do have a few for special occasions:
"F**k you!" F**k me yourself, you coward.
"Nobody asked." Oh well I was about to make you some cupcakes, but since you didn't ask for them just forget it.
"What is wrong with you?" Everything. (Or perhaps, "Well I eat hands and kill people, that's two things)
"She speaks!" You stopped speaking for two seconds! Oh wait, I fell asleep.
Final score:
3points
#51
A loud, obnoxious, trash talking poker player who I'd just won a huge pot from after calling his all in bluff:
"I'm gonna bust you up. Lets PLAY!"
Me: "No thanks. If I want to play with a prick I'll play with my own. Buh bye!"
Final score:
3points
#52
Book references. Lots of pineapples up noses.
Final score:
3points
#54
When a random person finds a typo in my work and they write to say how stupid they think i am, if im in the mood i'll fire back:
"Glad i could make your day. It's all down hill from here, better go back to bed. Lol"
People who regulary get joy from others' mistakes are sad and powerless. They aren't worth anything more than my dismissal - and that's only if they catch me at the rare moment where i have so little to do, I'll piss away a couple of seconds on a troll. If they reply - which is rare - i dont read it, i dont respond. Ive gotten out of this situation all i could possibly want. We're done here (which is another great comeback - outright refusing to engage in someone's bs and saying it right to their faces *chef's kiss*)
TL;DR Be Beyonce. Dont stoop to their level - make sure they know you have dismissed them or simply never engage - and living well is the best revenge.
PS.
I also enjoy in a pro setting when some angry guy swears at me - "you cannot talk to me like that. This conversation is over until you can calm down and act like an adult" (hangs up, walks out)
Sorry so long, there are a lot of randos out there who like to crap on creatives - it comes with the gig
Final score:
3points
Freya the Wanderer 3 years ago
Peopke who make fun of other's mistakes do so because they know they are inferior and need to pull down those around them. Pathetic.
#56
My mother in law was complaining about all the steps up to our apartment on the fourth floor. I asked, 'Then why don't you climb on your broom and fly up?'
Final score:
3points
#57
"I didn't mean to push your buttons. I was looking for MUTE."
Final score:
3points
#58
This guy was talking sh*t so I said ‘I bet your a** is jealous of all the sh*t coming out your mouth’
Final score:
2points
WilvanderHeijden 3 years ago
It's a common comeback, that's already met with:" You're confusing bodyparts again. Like your father did with your mother."
#59
Alright, this'll be the last one I add.
Someone: "Angry and rude criticism."
Response: "Thank you for your response! For further comments, please contact 1-800-IDONTGIVEAFUCK. [Passive aggressive smile]"
Final score:
2points
#60
And yet, despite my face. You are still talking...
Final score:
2points
#61
Use the thing between your ears that God gave you
Final score:
2points
#62
Not a witty comeback to someone being rude; but I have two sayings that I made up and still use. 1: Sometimes before you see the light at the end of the tunnel, you have to be hit by the train. 2: Life's a bitch, so slap it. (Bitch in this sense not meaning a female but meaning just a pain in the ass).
Final score:
2points
#63
I have 3 original examples:
Some dude in my comments said, "I highly suggest you vote for Trump" and I replied, "I highly suggest you take that brain of yours back to the dollar store for a refund."
When starting a TV show with my siblings if it says "This show is intended only for mature audiences", I sometimes tell one of my siblings they have to leave.
And finally, a story I was imagining about the characters in Punch Out - Lil Mac to Glass Joe: "You're pretty good at this, maybe one day you can be boxer!"
Final score:
2points
the pan with a plan 3 years ago
ohh damn do you mind if i use the dollar store one that was a buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurn
#64
"You don't know that." It works with everything, and it's disarming.
Final score:
2points
#65
If they make some nasty a$$ comeback just 'smile' at them and watch them get peed off...
Final score:
2points
#66
My teen daughter was on her phone and wouldn't do her homework and when I demanded she hand over the phone she said "hang on, I'm picking out a nursing home for you" so I shot back, "what you should be doing is picking out the park bench you'll be living under after you drop out."
Final score:
2points
#67
When someone says "F**K YOU"
Is that an insult or a request?
Final score:
2points
#68
Go eat an unseasoned carpet you quarter cup of warm mayonnaise
Final score:
2points
#69
When somebody is obviously talkin smack and can't back up what they are spouting I always tell them to not let their alligator mouth get their hummingbird butt in trouble.
Final score:
2points
Ray Lebowski 3 years ago
A long-time friend of mine used a similar line, but a different part of the hummingbird's anatomy was mentioned
#70
I had a construction guy holler at me from the roof he was working on saying
"Hey baby, wanna sit on my face"? My reply was,"Why? Is your nose bigger then your d**k"? That shut him up and all his buddies were laughing historically at him.
Final score:
2points
#71
1)Your death with probably be caused by being sarcastic at the wrong time.
2)Quit trying to be a smart ass when you are just an ass.
3)How long did it take you to come up with that one?
4)No. No. I am listening; it just takes me a moment to process so much stupid information all at once.
5)I bet you were up all night trying to come up that one.
6) If I threw a stick, you’d leave, right?
7)If you had a brain cell, it would die of loneliness.
8)You’re the reason why tubes of toothpaste have instructions on them.
9)Next time you cross the road, don’t bother looking.
10) Your face makes onions cry.
and my personal favorite. Don’t worry about me. Worry about them eyebrows. shuts them up immediately.
Final score:
2points
#72
When a woman I used to work with tried to fat-shame me in front of loads of co-workers (after I recovered from temporary partial paralysis and had put on weight from not being able to walk for six months), my reply was, “I used to be a size 6 too, but at least I have great boobs now” (:
Final score:
2points
#73
I have no major come back answer, just a couple of inadequacies: (1) NBD, no big deal. (2) Forget you ever knew me as I have already done for you.
Neither reply is dangerous to the speaker's body or ego.
Final score:
1point
#74
I just insult people in Yiddish. "Gay koken offn yan". "Gey strashen di gens". "Kholerye"
Always works!
Final score:
1point
#75
“-Please do not insult my intelligence with your stupidness”
Final score:
1point
Aragorn II Elessar 3 years ago
Perhaps “You singlehandedly bring down the national IQ average”
#76
My brother was intimidating the zombies from call of duty, and I said "you are as annoying as them".
Final score:
1point
#77
I say this to the jerks at school
You're the reason God created the middle finger. ...
Final score:
1point
#78
Just a simple shut up or F**k off does the trick for me
Final score:
1point
#80
And?
Its way more effective than you think and works best of teenager's.
Final score:
1point
#82
'I don't think I have the words to describe that in the abstract form'
Final score:
1point
#84
SOME IDIOT: What is wrong with you?/You're weird
ME: I'm fabulously weird! [Blank smile, then turn and walk away]
SOME IDIOT: You're {fill in the blank with any adjective that does not describe me at all}.
ME: Really? I hadn't noticed! [Look surprised] Well, write me a 5-paragraph persuasive essay with an Introduction, 3 reasons(one paragraph each), and a conclusion by this time tomorrow, because I really would like to know why {aforementioned adjective} describes me! [Smile enthusiastically and walk away while they are trying to comprehend what I just said with their immensely slow and tiny brain]
I find the last one rather effective, because on the off chance they do write the essay, it will be quite entertaining to read, and if they don't, which is what usually happens, then they basically are admitting they don't have any proof.
Final score:
1point
#85
K. tone-deafly used a comment thread about toxic masculinity as an opportunity to talk about how attractive she is so I said she shouldn’t be concerned because her personality would put anybody off.
Final score:
0points
MAX THOMPSON 3 years ago
I should have known punished edward would end up with 0 points, all of his comments are hidden.
#86
You have a great face for radio
The last time I saw a mouth that big it had a fishhook in it. (Fishhook can be replaced with “d**k” for a more jarring effect.)
You can’t spell stupid without u. (The person may respond angrily, “Well you can’t spell stupid without i, either!” And then you can laugh at how they just proved you right.)
Final score:
0points
#87
So me and My friend where on the swing and some guys Came up and where like “Ooh u can date us cuz we are in a hand and have phones bla bla bla...” and I Said No1 Your To Idiotic to date anyway No 2 and I don’t F***ing Care about your Dumba** Club and F**k off” (sorry for swearing XD)
Final score:
0points
Aragorn II Elessar 3 years ago
I apologize, but I was completely unable to read this post. I’m sure it was an outstanding comeback, but would you terribly mind reposting in a legible manner?
#88
got so tired of those people that keep rushing you for an answer that I came up with something to stop them in their tracks:
"the underlying syntax has a parallel equation that hyphens back to a bi-lateral contherium"
- and if you throw the inflection of a question into the last bits, it literally and completely jams up their thought process
Final score:
0points
TheSneakyNinja 3 years ago
Not really if you actually know what some of those words mean. Then it's just nonsense to you. I suppose it could work against someone who doesn't know though.
#89
if someone says "your gay" just say " at least i show how i really feel.
Final score:
0points
#90
When I was a young girl I was quite tall. A kid in my neighborhood used to ask almost daily "How's the weather up there". One day I was tired of it and spit on his head and told him it was raining. He stopped asking.
Final score:
0points
#92
"Correcting your recto-cranial inversion is going to take a lot of time and money."
Final score:
0points
#93
Ran into a friend at Costco just now. She’ll see this, I’m sure.
After pleasantries:
Friend: You have a mean sense of humor.
Me: No flies on you, Sherlock.
Friend: What does that mean?
Me: I take the Sherlock part back, but it means ‘no s**t.’
Friend: Haha. That’s what I mean.
Me: That’s not mean, that’s me being blunt. Mean would be if I made fun of that bedazzled suitcase you call a purse.
Final score:
0points
What do you think ?
dandelion moon 3 years ago
And then there's the mega depressed kids hanging out at this post but just won't post anything lol
Load More Replies...
Podunkus 3 years ago
Try these rock-solid comebacks when the occasion calls for it. 0C841C33-5...913e8.jpeg 
Zoe Hoesley (Post author) 3 years ago
Omg I’ve been looking at those hahaha!
Load More Replies... dandelion moon 3 years ago
And then there's the mega depressed kids hanging out at this post but just won't post anything lol
Load More Replies... Podunkus 3 years ago
Try these rock-solid comebacks when the occasion calls for it. 0C841C33-5...913e8.jpeg
Zoe Hoesley (Post author) 3 years ago
Omg I’ve been looking at those hahaha!
Load More Replies... 
Related on Bored Panda
