Your laxatives have backfired, the shite's supposed to come out the other end

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Final score:

50points

les

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I said something and someone went "that's just in your world" i immediately said "my world is called reality"

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Final score:

43points

Bridget Price

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This one is simple and works in a variety of situations...

"How embarassing, did you mean to say that out loud?"

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Final score:

43points

Scarlett Fox

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Well you’re so narrow minded you can look through a keyhole with both eyes!

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Final score:

40points

Lou Wow

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Not that I hate you. . .but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.

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Final score:

35points

DONNA L HENSON BOHLEN

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~SAY AT YOUR OWN RISKS~
If someone says get a life. Say- Like yours? Nah, pass.
If someone rolls their eyes say- Keep rolling those eyes and maybe you'll find a brain back there.
If someone says you're so dumb. Say- oh well... once you know everything you should know when to shut up
If someone says did I ask? Say- Then why are you still listening.
If someone says you're fat say- at least I can lose weight but you cant lose your ugly face.
If someone says im hotter than you guys say- sure, you dont need makeup... You need plastic surgery
if someone says I dont like you say- that's a shame cause my middle finger seems to like you
if someone says no one would ever date you say- tell your boyfriend that- then wink and walk away.
if someone says I know a lot of stuff about you say- is your a$$ jealous of the $h!t coming out of your mouth?
HAVE fun! But also be aware that these might make things worse... :)

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Final score:

31points

Your.New.Husband

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Everyone in my class doing math work. My friend: teacher, I have a problem. My teacher: I know, I’ve been trying to tell your parents

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Final score:

29points

Persephone

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When someone calls me a name, I correct them by saying they mispronounced a word or misspelled it (if it’s via text or email) and provide them with a more appropriate adjective that describes me.

Guy I know (via text): Women are so dramatic! 🙄
Me: You misspelled “determined.” 😂

My best friend (said in jest): You’re such an idiot! 😂
Me: You pronounced “intellectual” as “idiot.” You should really learn correct English pronunciations. 😂 “I’m such an intellectual.”

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Final score:

28points

April Caron

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When ever a guy says ‘that’s what she said’ I say ‘not to you she doesnt’

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Final score:

28points

Top_ramen

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A "pro-lifer" asked me, "You mean, women should decide who lives and who dies?" I replied, "You men have been doing that for thousands of years."

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Final score:

28points

Freya the Wanderer

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A woman was ranting at me one day, I held up my hand to stop her talking and said." I would love to have a battle of wits with you but you are totally unarmed" That shut her up.

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Final score:

24points

Eithne Griffiths

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When someone is spouting crap, claiming free speech, I
like to reply, "The first amendment means you can't be arrested for things you say. It doesn't mean I have to put up with your bullshit."

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Final score:

24points

Jan Feline

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At one point in middle school, while on the bus home, one girl told me that I'd never be popular. The girl wasn't exactly the prettiest person either so I shot back "And you think you're gonna be prom queen?"

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Final score:

20points

glowworm2

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~Being a d**k won’t make yours any bigger
~Please move out of the sunlight I hate the smell of burning plastic
~I may not be perfect but at least I ain’t you
~ Better shut your mouth or the next thing coming out of it will be teeth, not bullshit
~What doesn’t kill you. Severely disappoints me.

Just a few I’ve said to annoying people, say at your own risk.

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Final score:

20points

Anxiety

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Back when I was a bartender (in my early 30s), a bunch of college guys came into my bar. The ringleader walked up to me and said, "You know what? I have a 12-inch d*ck." I replied, "Yeah? Where are you measuring from? Your a$$hole?" His friends nearly fell on the floor laughing at him.

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Final score:

17points

Nikki Sevven

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if someones being rude or annoying, in your best yoda voice say "a sh*t, i don't give" and walk away

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Final score:

16points

Jeni S

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I love you. You're beautiful, you look great, are smart, and/or important. Confuses angry people everytime & usually makes people laugh.

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Final score:

15points

Taradactyal

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1. You're a very uneducated potato
2. Try eating all that makeup. Maybe you'll be pretty on the inside too.
3. I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you
4. It's a shame you're not half the man your mom is
5. Too bad your mind isn't as sharp as your tongue
6. Your inferiority complex is totally justified
7. I'm impressed! You used your entire vocabulary in a single sentence!
8. Uber drivers beware: if you drop this person off, you'll be fined for littering
9. I'm not offended by what you say - I'm proud of you for stringing words into full sentences now
10. You should try one of those journeys to find yourself! (Guys, don't tell them they won't actually find anything. I'm just hoping they'll look - they'll be gone forever!)

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Final score:

14points

Harleen

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My sister uses this one:
Some guy: "Women belong in the kitchen."
My sister: "Of course, that's where the knives are."

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Final score:

12points

sans the skeleton

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Not my best, but one of my recent. Had some idiot tell me, "Yeah, whatever, go back to the kitchen, b***."

Replied, "Well what are you doing out here? Go fix a car or something. The grill isn't going to light itself, f*cker."

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Final score:

11points

n i k o

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For even the biggest stupidity or insult I say "you are right". I have better things to do than engage in that kind of conversations.

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Final score:

11points

Samuel

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My grand nephew lived with us for awhile and he was emptying the garbage when I opened the refrigerator and he asked, "Is there anything old in there?", meaning leftovers. Without skipping a beat, I said, "Just the guy reaching for a beer". He dropped the garbage can.

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Final score:

10points

Dr Nostromo

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My most absolute favourite, an oldie but a goodie as the saying goes: “If your brains were dynamite, there wouldn’t be enough to blow your nose.” They have to stop and think about it.

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Final score:

10points

KombatBunni

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“Go to hell.”
“I don’t know if you noticed but I’m already there. After all, I have looked at your face for at least five minutes.”

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Final score:

9points

Lucy Gregory

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There was a co-worker who, in addition to thinking that he was the supreme of sensuality, insistently harassed the girls and that bothered me a lot (everyone really) until the day when, in front of all the harassed women, I asked him: " Do you know what women say when they meet a real man? ", To which he replies:" I don't know ". My return: "But I know".

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Final score:

9points

Ricardo Meneghel

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I would try to see it from your perspective but I fit my head that far up my a**

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Final score:

8points

Top_ramen

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A friend of mine said K-pop's 'gay' so I said, "Well, you're straight, yet nobody likes you."

Another one I used was when my classmate was being blatantly racist so I said that I'd slap her but it would be animal abuse.

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Final score:

8points

Prasanta Anima

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1. Someday you'll go far. I hope you stay there.
2. You bring people so much joy...when you leave the room
3. The people who deal with you on a daily basis are the real heroes
4. You're so full of crap, the toilet's jealous
5. If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world

ur welcome

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Final score:

8points

Khloe Ness

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Silence.

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Final score:

8points

Needmorecowbell

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It’s a good thing you’re pretty!

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Final score:

7points

April Caron

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These are my top favourite comebacks I use :
1) I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.
2) Isn’t there a bullet somewhere you could be jumping in front of?
3) Somewhere out there, there’s a tree working very hard to produce oxygen so that you can breathe. I think you should go and apologize to it.
4) What doesn’t kill you, disappoints me.
5) Good story, but in what chapter do you shut up?
6) Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything!
7) JOKER: Knock Knock
BATMAN: Whos there
JOKER: Definitely not your parents
BATMAN : (
Warning: Use at your own risk !!!

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Final score:

7points

Shruthi L

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Used this on some boy who had harrassed me for months. Felt. So. Good.

Me: Go f*ck yourself
Them: Well actually that's phsycally impossible
Me: Well if your d**k's as big as your ego I really doubt it

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Final score:

7points

Binapple

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Once a guy I worked with who was constantly hitting on me had me cornered in in the parts department. He leered at me and said, "I bet you're a tiger in bed!" I said "I'm better. Too bad you'll never find out first hand!" And while he was taking that in I slipped under his arm blocking my way and walked off...

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Final score:

7points

HammerzToe

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My favorite comes from "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior." I read this in the 80s, when it wasn't exactly an enlightened time for the LGBTQ community, so I found her comeback profound and instructive, if rather unexpected.

Someone wrote in: What should I say when I'm introduced to a gay couple?

Her answer: "How do you do?" "How do you do?"

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Final score:

7points

Susan Stead

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A guy was bragging how clean his house was. "You can literally eat from my floor" he said. Me: "Yes, a 6-course menu for 18 people."

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Final score:

6points

WilvanderHeijden

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Mate, put a fu**ing nappie over your face, cause you’re talking s**t!

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Final score:

6points

sai kwan mak

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This wasn't mine, but was the best comeback/pun I ever heard, and came from a woman named Beth:

A young Indian employee was telling his co-workers about his betrothed, and said her name was "Roshni" (pron. Rosh-nee). One of the women in back didn't hear the name too well, and asked if it were "Lunchmeat". Beth shot back, without missing a beat, "Well, she's from New Delhi."

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Final score:

6points

Paul P.

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Get someone else’s life — yours isn’t working . . . . . . . . . What goes around comes around. Looks like you’re on the down side of karma . . . . . . . . . A beautiful woman will only be pretty for a few years. I’ll be smart and sassy all my life . . . . . . . . . One of my best: An out-of-control child was bothering everyone waiting for a table. When the kid got to me, I looked down and said “Go stand by your mother. Not everyone likes children.” Kid went to mom. Mom says, “Bitch.” Suddenly I felt like Cyrano de Bergerac, “Is bitch the best you can do? I’ve been a bitch lots of times. Once more won’t change anything.” . . . . . . . . . . . And for adults . . . . . . . . One of my few times at a bar, I saw man striking out with women. When he got to me he said I wasn’t what he was looking for. My comeback was an old joke I heard a long time ago: “I may not be much to look at but I can suck start a Harley. Shame you’re never gonna know what that feels like.” His mouth hung open as I strolled away . . .

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Final score:

6points

Octavia Hansen

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On a new (and last) date the guy leaned over and said, "I'd really like to get in your pants".
I looked puzzled and said. " Now why would you want to do that? There's one a**hole in there already.

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Final score:

6points

T Horth

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I've been called a B---H before, no problem. I correct them by saying that's B-being I-in T-total C-control of H-herself and don't you forget it!

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Final score:

6points

HammerzToe

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I had a violent husband who used to hallucinate when he was very drunk on spirits. (Notice I did say HAD.) One evening, he came stumbling in and went to the kitchen, going to the fridge to see if he could find something else to drink. He couldn't but started to chase me down the hallway, swearing at me because he said I had "a man in the freezer for later." I have no idea what gave me the courage to reply but I yelled back at him that "At least he'd be stiff!"

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Final score:

6points

Margaret Colquhoun

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After a lengthy discussion about guitars, someone asked me what guitar I had. I said a red one. But I was being serious and not insulting, guess it's an Asperger's thing.

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Final score:

5points

Steve Barnett

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My friend told me he was a non conformist. I told him I knew that already. He asked what gave it away. I replied ‘you fit the stereotype’. I wonder what ever happened to that guy...

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Final score:

5points

Peppermallow

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I know i've already posted but this one is good. If someone is being a jerk and says you're pretty but you know they're being sarcastic say this"I may be hotter than the sun but your colder than the moon"

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Final score:

5points

CaelynTheCheeto

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"Have you narrowed down the identity of your father to less than a dozen possibilities?"
"That was almost close to nearly being semi-intelligible."
"I have the answer if you'd ever get to the end of your question."
"Let us know if you ever achieve competency at anything."
"You need to set your sights lower. Adequacy is clearly beyond your skillset."
"There's a point in there somewhere, drowning in a sea of verbiage."
"You're boldly going where no one would ever want to go."
"Your parents said you should concentrate on your brains because you'd never get anywhere with your looks. You should have listened to them."
"Your inferiority complex is justified. You're actually inferior."

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Final score:

4points

Ray Lebowski

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I had one the other day on here. I’ll attach a screenshot in the chat.

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Final score:

4points

Aragorn II Elessar

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If you had a dollar for every brain cell you had you’d be a millionaire but look at that, your broke.

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Final score:

4points

Top_ramen

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And yet, despite my face. You are still talking

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Final score:

4points

Shabibble

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My comeback to the old misogynists' joke of "What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?" with the punchline of "Nothing, I already told her twice". I said "hmmm, I'm pretty sure what you say is please don't shoot me again!" Shut those two chuckleheads up pretty quick.

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Final score:

4points

Xenon

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I love reading Shakespeare, so I usually just say "Why (sir/ma'am,) cobble you. I do have a few for special occasions:
"F**k you!" F**k me yourself, you coward.
"Nobody asked." Oh well I was about to make you some cupcakes, but since you didn't ask for them just forget it.
"What is wrong with you?" Everything. (Or perhaps, "Well I eat hands and kill people, that's two things)
"She speaks!" You stopped speaking for two seconds! Oh wait, I fell asleep.

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Final score:

3points

Wolfowl

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A loud, obnoxious, trash talking poker player who I'd just won a huge pot from after calling his all in bluff:
"I'm gonna bust you up. Lets PLAY!"
Me: "No thanks. If I want to play with a prick I'll play with my own. Buh bye!"

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Final score:

3points

Matthew Jameson

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Book references. Lots of pineapples up noses.

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Final score:

3points

Pearl Of the SeaWing RainWings

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Yeah. I wasn't worth a damn when I was your age either.

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Final score:

3points

msminnie

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When a random person finds a typo in my work and they write to say how stupid they think i am, if im in the mood i'll fire back:
"Glad i could make your day. It's all down hill from here, better go back to bed. Lol"
People who regulary get joy from others' mistakes are sad and powerless. They aren't worth anything more than my dismissal - and that's only if they catch me at the rare moment where i have so little to do, I'll piss away a couple of seconds on a troll. If they reply - which is rare - i dont read it, i dont respond. Ive gotten out of this situation all i could possibly want. We're done here (which is another great comeback - outright refusing to engage in someone's bs and saying it right to their faces *chef's kiss*)

TL;DR Be Beyonce. Dont stoop to their level - make sure they know you have dismissed them or simply never engage - and living well is the best revenge.

PS.
I also enjoy in a pro setting when some angry guy swears at me - "you cannot talk to me like that. This conversation is over until you can calm down and act like an adult" (hangs up, walks out)
Sorry so long, there are a lot of randos out there who like to crap on creatives - it comes with the gig

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Final score:

3points

BlahBlahBlackSheepah

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Your the reason god created the middle finger.

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Final score:

3points

internet person

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My mother in law was complaining about all the steps up to our apartment on the fourth floor. I asked, 'Then why don't you climb on your broom and fly up?'

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Final score:

3points

Paul K. Johnson

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"I didn't mean to push your buttons. I was looking for MUTE."

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Final score:

3points

Emma Galbraith

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This guy was talking sh*t so I said ‘I bet your a** is jealous of all the sh*t coming out your mouth’

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Final score:

2points

Top_ramen

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Alright, this'll be the last one I add.

Someone: "Angry and rude criticism."
Response: "Thank you for your response! For further comments, please contact 1-800-IDONTGIVEAFUCK. [Passive aggressive smile]"

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Final score:

2points

n i k o

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And yet, despite my face. You are still talking...

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Final score:

2points

Shabibble

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Use the thing between your ears that God gave you

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Final score:

2points

Ashlee Schaal

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Not a witty comeback to someone being rude; but I have two sayings that I made up and still use. 1: Sometimes before you see the light at the end of the tunnel, you have to be hit by the train. 2: Life's a bitch, so slap it. (Bitch in this sense not meaning a female but meaning just a pain in the ass).

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Final score:

2points

Bob Belcher

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I have 3 original examples:
Some dude in my comments said, "I highly suggest you vote for Trump" and I replied, "I highly suggest you take that brain of yours back to the dollar store for a refund."
When starting a TV show with my siblings if it says "This show is intended only for mature audiences", I sometimes tell one of my siblings they have to leave.
And finally, a story I was imagining about the characters in Punch Out - Lil Mac to Glass Joe: "You're pretty good at this, maybe one day you can be boxer!"

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Final score:

2points

Marilyn Bojanowski

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"You don't know that." It works with everything, and it's disarming.

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Final score:

2points

Adam Francis

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If they make some nasty a$$ comeback just 'smile' at them and watch them get peed off...

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Final score:

2points

Deal _Anneal

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My teen daughter was on her phone and wouldn't do her homework and when I demanded she hand over the phone she said "hang on, I'm picking out a nursing home for you" so I shot back, "what you should be doing is picking out the park bench you'll be living under after you drop out."

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Final score:

2points

Irina Rachow

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When someone says "F**K YOU"

Is that an insult or a request?

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Final score:

2points

Kevin Gilley

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Go eat an unseasoned carpet you quarter cup of warm mayonnaise

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Final score:

2points

Hehehehehehehehe (ve/ver)

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When somebody is obviously talkin smack and can't back up what they are spouting I always tell them to not let their alligator mouth get their hummingbird butt in trouble.

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Final score:

2points

HammerzToe

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I had a construction guy holler at me from the roof he was working on saying
"Hey baby, wanna sit on my face"? My reply was,"Why? Is your nose bigger then your d**k"? That shut him up and all his buddies were laughing historically at him.

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Final score:

2points

Janis

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1)Your death with probably be caused by being sarcastic at the wrong time.
2)Quit trying to be a smart ass when you are just an ass.
3)How long did it take you to come up with that one?
4)No. No. I am listening; it just takes me a moment to process so much stupid information all at once.
5)I bet you were up all night trying to come up that one.
6) If I threw a stick, you’d leave, right?
7)If you had a brain cell, it would die of loneliness.
8)You’re the reason why tubes of toothpaste have instructions on them.
9)Next time you cross the road, don’t bother looking.
10) Your face makes onions cry.
and my personal favorite. Don’t worry about me. Worry about them eyebrows. shuts them up immediately.

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Final score:

2points

ME

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When a woman I used to work with tried to fat-shame me in front of loads of co-workers (after I recovered from temporary partial paralysis and had put on weight from not being able to walk for six months), my reply was, “I used to be a size 6 too, but at least I have great boobs now” (:

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Final score:

2points

𝖊𝖜𝖔𝛋

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I have no major come back answer, just a couple of inadequacies: (1) NBD, no big deal. (2) Forget you ever knew me as I have already done for you.
Neither reply is dangerous to the speaker's body or ego.

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Final score:

1point

BananaAnna

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I just insult people in Yiddish. "Gay koken offn yan". "Gey strashen di gens". "Kholerye"
Always works!

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Final score:

1point

Sylvanticx

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“-Please do not insult my intelligence with your stupidness”

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Final score:

1point

Linn

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My brother was intimidating the zombies from call of duty, and I said "you are as annoying as them".

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Final score:

1point

Flare

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I say this to the jerks at school
You're the reason God created the middle finger. ...

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Final score:

1point

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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Just a simple shut up or F**k off does the trick for me

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Final score:

1point

CaelynTheCheeto

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Why thank you, I choose to take that as a compliment.

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Final score:

1point

AlmightyOne

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And?

Its way more effective than you think and works best of teenager's.

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Final score:

1point

Roadkill The Brave

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oh ... the tragedy is positively Grecian

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Final score:

1point

shado

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'I don't think I have the words to describe that in the abstract form'

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Final score:

1point

shado

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'I am surprised no one has put you in a box and shaken it"

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Final score:

1point

shado

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SOME IDIOT: What is wrong with you?/You're weird
ME: I'm fabulously weird! [Blank smile, then turn and walk away]

SOME IDIOT: You're {fill in the blank with any adjective that does not describe me at all}.
ME: Really? I hadn't noticed! [Look surprised] Well, write me a 5-paragraph persuasive essay with an Introduction, 3 reasons(one paragraph each), and a conclusion by this time tomorrow, because I really would like to know why {aforementioned adjective} describes me! [Smile enthusiastically and walk away while they are trying to comprehend what I just said with their immensely slow and tiny brain]

I find the last one rather effective, because on the off chance they do write the essay, it will be quite entertaining to read, and if they don't, which is what usually happens, then they basically are admitting they don't have any proof.

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Final score:

1point

CuttlefishRule

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K. tone-deafly used a comment thread about toxic masculinity as an opportunity to talk about how attractive she is so I said she shouldn’t be concerned because her personality would put anybody off.

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Final score:

0points

Punished Edward

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You have a great face for radio

The last time I saw a mouth that big it had a fishhook in it. (Fishhook can be replaced with “d**k” for a more jarring effect.)

You can’t spell stupid without u. (The person may respond angrily, “Well you can’t spell stupid without i, either!” And then you can laugh at how they just proved you right.)

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Final score:

0points

Louie

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So me and My friend where on the swing and some guys Came up and where like “Ooh u can date us cuz we are in a hand and have phones bla bla bla...” and I Said No1 Your To Idiotic to date anyway No 2 and I don’t F***ing Care about your Dumba** Club and F**k off” (sorry for swearing XD)

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0points

Willow

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got so tired of those people that keep rushing you for an answer that I came up with something to stop them in their tracks:
"the underlying syntax has a parallel equation that hyphens back to a bi-lateral contherium"
- and if you throw the inflection of a question into the last bits, it literally and completely jams up their thought process

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0points

shado

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if someone says "your gay" just say " at least i show how i really feel.

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0points

Mae

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When I was a young girl I was quite tall. A kid in my neighborhood used to ask almost daily "How's the weather up there". One day I was tired of it and spit on his head and told him it was raining. He stopped asking.

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Final score:

0points

LiuLiu

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You have life and bullshit confused

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Final score:

0points

Elsabeth

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"Correcting your recto-cranial inversion is going to take a lot of time and money."

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Final score:

0points

Ray Lebowski

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Ran into a friend at Costco just now. She’ll see this, I’m sure.
After pleasantries:
Friend: You have a mean sense of humor.
Me: No flies on you, Sherlock.
Friend: What does that mean?
Me: I take the Sherlock part back, but it means ‘no s**t.’
Friend: Haha. That’s what I mean.
Me: That’s not mean, that’s me being blunt. Mean would be if I made fun of that bedazzled suitcase you call a purse.

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Final score:

0points

jpazsf

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Technically, cow meat is 100% plant-based material.

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Final score:

-8points

Kroet van den Pinguin

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