In grade 10 I would argue with my math teacher for at least 10-15min at the start of every class. The rest of the students just watched. He would also tell us, religiously, that he didn’t care if we passed because he still got paid.

So one day in our usual bickering match I said “you always tell us you don’t care, then why do you bother to spend every day arguing with me?”
He paused for a second, then said “that’s the smartest thing I’ve ever heard you say” and went to the blackboard. I literally did not know what to say. Thanks? I think?

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Final score:

52points

Sathe Wesker

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Not one that was directed at me:
my friend was like "Hey I have a cool insult" and it was

"Sharp as a marble, that one"

Lol

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Final score:

46points

Vaiel

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I complained about a loud-mouthed, drunk man at the ballet and he told me my voice was quieter than a mouse's fart. Admittedly the insult was in German, but I think it still stands!

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Final score:

40points

cerinamroth

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Used to work as a cashier in a market, if someone was being rude or abusive I would say "I hope you have the day you deserve" instead of "have a nice day." Some of them, used to the common send-off, would respond 'thanks'.

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Final score:

39points

Karma Belles

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I remember back in like 5th or 6th grade, I was a room monitor for the handicapped students in the morning before school. One of the kids who was blind was acting up. I went over to see what was going on and to stop the commotion. Dude got mad at me and, I quote "Shut up kid! I bet your ugly!" Pretty much, I just laughed it off and sat him down and I'm sure I said something in return, but can't remember. But that just caught me off guard.

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Final score:

36points

Ozymandias73

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"You talk like you're in a dubbed anime"

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Final score:

33points

(っ◔◡◔)っ blush

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It was not directed at me, but my favorite is "You look like when you die, you drop BASIC loot!"

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Final score:

32points

Kevin the Manager

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One Christmas, I got a card from Santa. It said “Tidy your room”

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Final score:

28points

Cathy Robson

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"You look like you come from sturdy Norwegian stock". I don't even know what that means

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Final score:

28points

Jen Mart

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Years ago, an elderly lady told me, " You have an unusual face." Gee, is there such a thing as a "usual" face?

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Final score:

28points

Christy Thompson

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At times, I have been called 'A Wealth of Useless Knowledge'. Not sure if it was intended as an insult, though. However, in future, I plan to start making use of the 'Shakespearean Insult Kit' -

Shakespearean Insult Kit –
Combine one word from each column, prefaced with ‘Thou’:
Column 1Column 2Column 3
artlessbase-courtapple-john
bawdybat-fowlingbaggage
beslubberingbeef-wittedbarnacle
bootless beetle-headed bladder
churlishboil-brainedboar-pig
cockeredclapper-clawedbugbear
cloutedclay-brainedbum-bailey
cravencommon-kissingcanker-blossom
currishcrook-patedclack-dish
dankishdismal-dreamingclotpole
dissemblingdizzy-eyedcodpiece
droningdog-heartedcoxcomb
errantdread-bolteddeath-token
fawningearth-vexingdewberry
fobbingelf-skinnedflap-dragon
frowardfat-kidneyedflax-wench
frothyfen-suckedflirt-gill
gleeking flap-mouthedfoot-licker
goatishfly-bittenfustilarian
gorbelliedfolly-fallengiglet
impertinentfool-borngudgeon
infectiousfull-gorgedhaggard
jarringguts-gripingharpy
loggerheaded half-faced hedge-pig
lumpishhasty-wittedhorn-beast
mammeringhedge-bornhugger-mugger
mangledhell-hatedjoithead
pestiferousmewling quim

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Final score:

24points

Bill Swallow

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Hetero cis female and my "fave" was when a guy i turned down for a date snarled, "Do you have gender identity issues?!"

No. He, however, had courtesy issues. :-)

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Final score:

23points

Leo Domitrix

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Someone in band came up to me and was like 'hey crow you look like you drink warm water' which was both deeply confusing and incredibly hurtful

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Final score:

21points

crowspectre (he/they)

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Getting called "homeschooler" in a derogatory manner.

Bro, if I was ashamed of how I was schooled, I'd try harder to hide it.

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Final score:

20points

Lil Miss Hobbit

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so i recently changed my hair color again, its bright red and i have a shadow root, this one kid sees me with it and goes "EWWWW ITS ADAM LAMBERT BUT MORE EMO"

that was supposed to be a stupid insult, but im honored to be Adam Lambert :) but it was an odd one because ive never heard of that one before. bet you hes never actually heard of his stuff tho

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Final score:

18points

Robby (Ze/Zir)

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Once somebody told me that I looked like If Emma Watson and Ted Bundy had a kid and I honestly didn't know whether I should laugh or cry.

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Final score:

18points

MagicFrog

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in fourth grade it was clean up time because the school day was almost over. everyone had a cleanup job. one girl had trash duty where she walked around with a trashcan and put things inside. she walked up to me and said im putting all the trash from the classroom in this trash can, get in. the funny thing was that i zoned out and didn't realize what she said so i just said sure.

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Final score:

18points

….gray. (She/Her)

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At least I’m not a pimply shrek

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Final score:

17points

Cam the cookie walker

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Not an insult, but a backhanded compliment from my favorite nurse. He told me "You are like an ox in a donkeys body." I replied "thanks?" He laughed and said "You know what I mean." I was the hardest working CNA on our floor. Still my favorite backhanded compliment that I've ever received.

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Final score:

16points

Lantana Howell

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I have been a nurse going on 31 years this year. For the most part I have worked in geriatrics, i.e. nursing homes. I've heard stories about some hospital patients being entitled but you can get entitled nursing home residents on occasion.
I lived in the Tampa Bay area of Florida for 5 years and I worked in a nursing home there on the 3pm-11pm shift and it was one of the best places I have ever worked and I have a lot of funny stories from working there but I rate this story one of the best. One evening I was passing my medications and one lady was being just plain nasty and mean and I wasn't having it. I usually don't let the residents get to me but I was having a bad day and while I can't remember our complete conversation she said something to me and I was being sarcastic back and she said "well you're a b!±ch" and without skipping a beat I said "that won't be the first time I've been called that and it certainly won't be the last" and walked away as her jaw dropped as she was expecting a fight from me but I was NOT going to indulge her that day 🤣🤣🤣🤣

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Final score:

16points

Kristie Miller

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(This is me being pedantic but…)

Partner: “You look lovely, today.”
Me: “As opposed to every other day, when I look like shite?”

Why does the “today” turn it backhanded to me???

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Final score:

14points

Doodles1983

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Some random guy at my school (I’m in 7th grade aka I’m 12) called me a and i quote “frog looking a*s with Clown nose” I laughed my butt off

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Final score:

14points

Alex the great

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“You are the human version of period cramps”

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Final score:

14points

MicrowaveGoddess

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My staff calls my husband a "schleprock". Had to look that up : "To carry heavy burdens. One who is said to unlucky or extreamly unfortunate. Also formerly a character on the popular cartoon "The Flintstones."

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Final score:

12points

Jen Mart

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my older bro once got called “maggot bread” by my then 4-year-old brother and actually got offended 😂 lmao

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Final score:

12points

Mike_the_nike

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My favourite to use: "He couldn't figure out how to pour p**s out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel"

Received: not really a "unique" insult, but after 15 years of casual friendship with a woman and her husband, she and I had a misunderstanding that could have been cleared up easily but we never had the chance, because her husband sent me a nasty FB DM about "now we see your true colours" **eyeroll to the moon** Fifteen years you've known me... one mistaken misheard miscommunication, and suddenly THOSE are my true colours? Byeeeee

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Final score:

12points

Catastrophisticate

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Ok, I have to admit that no one has actually used a good insult on ME.

But there was a time where me and my cousin were coming up with insults trying to fit this exact theme, his best was: "If I had a penny for every idiot that talked to me, I'd now have another!"

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Final score:

12points

MaximumKarmaSaint

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Not the same thing but still funny. Someone rode past me on their bike and said my nose was bigger than his d**k. Obviously I said I feel bad for how small his d**k is then :)

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Final score:

12points

Aroace tiger (she/they/he)

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1) That i look like someone who can raise my eyebrows, yet I can't. ( i have really big and expressive eyebrows btw if anyone was wondering)

2) I am the shy girl from every manga :/

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Final score:

11points

shanila.pheonix_

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"You aren't just an a*****e, you're an a*s' a*****e."

Said by someone who hates my guts for no clear reason

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Final score:

11points

QueerAxolotls

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“May both sides of your pillow be warm tonight…”

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Final score:

11points

I Am, In Fact, That Weirdo

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Does someone want me to call them a twatbasket? Just so they can say they received the rare insult, twatbasket?

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Final score:

10points

Nathaniel (He/Him) Cis Het.

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I'm referred to as "Soft Can-Opener" multiple times a day.

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Final score:

10points

Bouche and Audi and Shyla, Oh My!

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I was my elderly grandfather’s caregiver and one evening he was being especially difficult as I was trying to give him his after dinner medication. He got so mad at me that he called me the worst thing that he could come up with….pip-squeak. Now, I am a rather large person, but I still had to cover my mouth and walk away to laugh. He was a very quiet and reserved man and never once swore in his entire 85 year existence. He passed away back in 1997 but I still laugh and tell this story every chance I get.

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Final score:

10points

Amber Arseneaux

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Not me but my Mum. After continuously dyeing her hair for 30+ years, needless to say its pretty dated. Ots not horrendous and falling out or anything but it definitely has that 'brittle frizziness' to it.

Anyway, some kids had broken into our garden to steal our chicken's eggs and my Mum went to confront them. She has one Hell of a temper when she gets going and gave them a serious bollocking but they were having none of it.

They just laughed at her and flipped her off as they climbed back over the wall. But not before the leader came out with:

"Pfft, f**k off Hair Bear Bunch!"

Obviously I felt bad for my Mum but secretly, I thought that was hilarious.

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Final score:

9points

The_Nicest_Misanthrope

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Need to add another one.
My sister told me yesterday that I looked like "someone with a stick who thinks everyone else look'n like a piñata." XD

I've never been so insulted and so tickled at the same time.

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Final score:

9points

Lil Miss Hobbit

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I couldn't understand what my best friend said and asked her to repeat it. She said that my sense of hearing is comparable to the one of Ludwig von Beethoven

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Final score:

9points

TotallyNOTaFox

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I worked for a while with a crusty, colorful, and hardened roofer, who was definitely a handful and put out vibes that he was troublesome to everybody who was in his orbit (except our boss, but including his decades-long comrades), especially guys like me who weren't and would never be hard-core roofers. Over time, I proved myself by being the best helper/demimechanic I possibly could because I have extensive parts/materials/engineering/mechanical/logistics skills and always had the guys' backs and could do anything with some direction. This man came to help me and more often than not treated me kindly and well, always totally on the qt, and we even had some good pleasant chats.

Usually when I saw him first thing, and various times through the day, he would shout out "PN, You Dog F*cker!!!!" to establish dominance.

My SO hates it when I tell her stories about this interaction, and everybody generally thinks it's crude/stupid/offensive/banal/etc., which it is, but for various reasons it's actually quite dear to my heart and I smile to myself when thinking of it.

RIP Mr. Greg, hope you found some peace now

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Final score:

8points

PolymathNecromancer

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When insulted, I’ll reply, “Thank you! That’s a compliment coming from a person like you.” The person who insulted me always get frustrated and infuriated because they know it’s an insult but they can’t figure it out. They’ll ruminate over it for the rest of their life. It’s unique.

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Final score:

8points

Cousin Vinny

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This isn't one someone has told me, but it's one I commonly use with my friends. I say 'best of the buttered beer-battered babyback bastard b***h boys from Boston" as fast as I can, and they can never tell what I'm fully saying. It doesn't mean anything and it's just a bunch of words thrown together, but it's still fun to say.

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Final score:

7points

100%LegitTurtle

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Bad hair day? My hubby likes to say, "Combed your hair with a pillow?"

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Final score:

7points

Stephanie Goadsby

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Being a peon, look it up its bad.

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Final score:

6points

Brightnettle(she/her)

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one of my bullies called me the definition of the carona virus lmao

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Final score:

6points

MirohLoome (he/she/they)

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I call a certain 'person'in my life an asshat and twatwaffle on a daily basis. and those are t

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Final score:

6points

LIL JOHNNY AND OCS

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I (a deaf person) was called the r-word by my brother once. Rare insult because it was the only time I’ve ever been called that. But I’m not mad at him at all, he didn’t know what it meant and he never said it again.

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Final score:

5points

StitchIsCuteAndFluffy

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I like too use "If she was an candle she would be Baby Bell skin ...no wick or flame in sight"

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Final score:

4points

sturmwesen

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I'm called "Bad Cat," "Get Down," "Move, You Idgit," and "Don't Scratch." I don't know why!

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Final score:

4points

Bouche and Audi and Shyla, Oh My!

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order your mcflurry ang go

i forgot the context but it was via text message lol

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Final score:

3points

luvsick

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Be quiet (student) and watch the movie. If you don't like it then just go play with your bugs." Any other teacher would have been told to eff off, but this was the best insult he could think of for me.

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Final score:

3points

JenC

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that i look like a sumo wrestler combined with baby face.. idk how i would react when i heard this i kinda want to laugh and choke that mf

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Final score:

3points

Chex mylicks

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My grandmother told me that my aunt - while young - called her, on separate occasions, an "Irish frog" and a "Communist crab"

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Final score:

3points

Freya the Wanderer

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in a Passion Play (Easter production) many times I was told I was perfect for Mary Magdelene😬

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Final score:

3points

Amanda Silliker

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i’m very skinny, so once when i got called a fat b***h, my (toxic) friend retaliated with “no, she’s a stick with a butt” (i DID come out btw)

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Final score:

3points

Mike_the_nike

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You are the TWIG HULK

Said the younger sister to the slender older sister in an argument.

Older girl still feels it.

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Final score:

3points

Leigh

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I look like cartman from South Park,

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Final score:

3points

MZ (she/they/he)

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You are so clever in your head you're even cleverer than yourself.

I mean it came from my child, but the sarcasm was supreme.

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Final score:

2points

Leigh

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I ask folks if they had a big bowl of stupid for breakfast. Sometimes I imply they also went back for second helpings.

If you insult my roommate he says "I've been called worse, by better".

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Final score:

2points

Kraneia The Dancing Dryad

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Remember over 70 years ago when my mother told the neighbor-(Up your giggy with a lawn mower). God- how can you beat that? You can’t!

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Final score:

1point

Biggie Ed

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F**k you, everyone you know, and everything you own.

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Final score:

1point

InfiniteZeek

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While working as a telephone operator for a short period of time, I got a request from a customer who wanted me to place a long distance call (this was a long time ago) to a business in another state and charge the call to the business. Not a collect call, mind you, just charge the call to the business. Of course, this is wrong and probably illegal so I had to refuse the request.

The customer was very persistent in his attempt to get me to do this but I continued to reject it. Finally, he gave up but before he did, he said to me "Operator, think of the worst thing you can in your head. Something that totally disgusts you. That's what I'm thinking about you right now." Then he hung up.

The best and most amusing insult I ever got.

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Final score:

1point

Bill Pearson

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One time this nerdy guy was mad I didn’t like him and called me a “flirt-gill” I had to look that one up.

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Final score:

1point

Natasha

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i'm of portuguese /ashknazi jewish background. i'm usually even tempered but when you push the right buttons do have a temper. to give context, i was in an argument with my ex about his spending habits and after he made a very expensive long term purchase i lost my temper. after venting my spleen he just commented: wow! that 'portugee' has quite the mouth but at least you are thrifty!

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Final score:

0points

talliloo

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Arguing children have it every time.

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Final score:

0points

Leigh

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The most memorable one was from an Italian roommate I had in school, about 40 years ago. His English was not good but he was surrounded by swearwords like ‘a*****e’ and ‘f**k off’. So one day, when he was really angry with me, he combined those two and said: “You are an a*s-off”. All I could do was laugh. Poor guy.

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Final score:

0points

Mark D

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For years I wrote columns for our local metro newspaper, so three times a week I'd write my thoughts on this or that issue. Great career. Anyhow, one day a couple of friends were debating some issue and I jumped in and gave my view. One friend said to me, "If I want your opinion, I'll spend 50 cents and buy the newspaper."

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Final score:

0points

PSimms

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I was wearing a dustin cap on roblox and someone said my hair looked like dodo turds lol.

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Final score:

0points

Jackson McGuire

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“If I jumped of your ego and landed on your IQ I would die.

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Final score:

0points

Quentin Brown

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Starb**ch. I'd blown up his planet in a text based role playing game. Hugs, Neggie.

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Final score:

0points

A. Starhawk Hunt

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